Verbal abuse

[Mew 0]

Alex, may I ask if he used to behave like this when you lived in Brazil and were able to spend time together 'in real life'? I'm not trying to get you to go easy on him, because one shouldn't tolerate being disrespected, but maybe he has a point with the 'long distance' thing. Also, it seems to me that he's taken a very big step by recognizing this is a problem. If he does, it means he's not happy with it and is probably willing to make everything in his power to solve it.

[KarenCee 3]

I feel weird airing this out in public (and sorry to anyone offended by private info) but, here goes. This is my fear. He has apologized up and down for his inappropriate (and bizarre!) comments yesterday, but they still happened, and they still really upset me. There were a few other incidences. Mainly it was just a lot of jokes at my expense and then being told not to take them seriously. Once we talked about it, he really stopped doing it...96%. We just talked, and he has really recognized that he has a problem, and he HAS really made it quite a way in terms of stopping, and showing me the respect I deserve (as do all people). He says the long distance thing is just really taking a toll on him.

But if it can't COMPLETELY stop, I'm not going to go through hell for this relationship, only to have the relationship turn into its own hell later.

The long distance takes its toll on most everyone here. It's still no excuse for verbally abusing someone.

You are right in thinking that it has to stop. You are also brave for taking a stand for yourself in that regard. I don't blame you for deciding that you don't want to go through hell for this process only to have your life with this man become a living hell too.

96% isn't good enough hon....it has to be 100% or nothing. I wish the best for you both and I really hope he can change...permanently.

[gimygirl 0]

well, only you know rey ... no one here will be able to tell you if he can completely stop. some will say he can't and others are able to give someone 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc chances.

personally, i wouldn't accept 96% either ... but that's just me.

gather support here and continue communicating with rey ... i wish you the best of luck in your journey.

[babybunny 2]

I would NOT tolorate anyone yelling at me and calling me names- then have the Nerve to call themself my husband. I dont think so! I was in an abusive situation I got out of it real fast!!

[JenT 0]

I feel weird airing this out in public (and sorry to anyone offended by private info) but, here goes. This is my fear. He has apologized up and down for his inappropriate (and bizarre!) comments yesterday, but they still happened, and they still really upset me. There were a few other incidences. Mainly it was just a lot of jokes at my expense and then being told not to take them seriously. Once we talked about it, he really stopped doing it...96%. We just talked, and he has really recognized that he has a problem, and he HAS really made it quite a way in terms of stopping, and showing me the respect I deserve (as do all people). He says the long distance thing is just really taking a toll on him.

But if it can't COMPLETELY stop, I'm not going to go through hell for this relationship, only to have the relationship turn into its own hell later.

Alex,

I he should be going through hell and back for YOU... to reassure YOU of his love for YOU and to build YOU up. If long distance triggers disrespect, what will happen when you are together 24/7 and he doesn't like the way you fold towels????

Someone mentioned this as being a control issue and I completely agree. That's the first thing I thought of when I read your rhinoplasty thread as well... No one who truly loves someone else will tease them about something that they KNOW is already a sensitive subject. There's no point in that other than to belittle the person it's directed toward and in some way feel superior because of it.

People use humor to disguise the impact of what they are trying to say. They will say that they are only joking, but they are not.

You are right in reconsidering the consequences of continuing this relationship. I assume you will want to have children with him... what sort of father will he be? What sort of parenting role models has he had?? More to think about....

Best wishes, Jen

PS - If you are reading this, Rey, as Alex says you are, then grow the hell up. You may be about to lose what could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

Edited August 29, 2006 by JenT

[ceriserose 1]

What does your gut tell you? What is your instinctive reaction to his behavior? Because that is the best way to know how you should proceed.

I've been where you are. I eventually came to the right decision, but would have saved myself years of difficulty if I'd just followed my instincts.

Best of luck to you.

[babybunny 2]

thats how abuse starts...goes from yelling....then moves on to

name calling....then progresses to pushing... then hitting....then jealousy. each event is WORSE than the last one. til one day he will love you to DEATH...

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I feel weird airing this out in public (and sorry to anyone offended by private info) but, here goes. This is my fear. He has apologized up and down for his inappropriate (and bizarre!) comments yesterday, but they still happened, and they still really upset me. There were a few other incidences. Mainly it was just a lot of jokes at my expense and then being told not to take them seriously. Once we talked about it, he really stopped doing it...96%. We just talked, and he has really recognized that he has a problem, and he HAS really made it quite a way in terms of stopping, and showing me the respect I deserve (as do all people). He says the long distance thing is just really taking a toll on him.

But if it can't COMPLETELY stop, I'm not going to go through hell for this relationship, only to have the relationship turn into its own hell later.

I can completely understand the fear of the future. If it's just joking around, I don't think it's an issue of control as some verbal abuse can be. Probably more about tact and it's being amplified by the distance. Perhaps you could have a zero tolerance policy with him on the phone - the moment he starts up again, you warn him that you'll end the call.

Have you watched him around friends and colleagues? Do you see the same behavior?

thats how abuse starts...goes from yelling....then moves on to

name calling....then progresses to pushing... then hitting....then jealousy. each event is WORSE than the last one. til one day he will love you to DEATH...

I disagree. My parents yelled at us kids but we're all still alive. It just depends on what is being said and how it is being said. My parents yelled, but they never called us kid's names. I was married to someone who called me names and I hated it - it was abusive, but it never escalated beyond her calling me names.

Alex, may I ask if he used to behave like this when you lived in Brazil and were able to spend time together 'in real life'? I'm not trying to get you to go easy on him, because one shouldn't tolerate being disrespected, but maybe he has a point with the 'long distance' thing. Also, it seems to me that he's taken a very big step by recognizing this is a problem. If he does, it means he's not happy with it and is probably willing to make everything in his power to solve it.

[Alex+R 0]

Alex, may I ask if he used to behave like this when you lived in Brazil and were able to spend time together 'in real life'? I'm not trying to get you to go easy on him, because one shouldn't tolerate being disrespected, but maybe he has a point with the 'long distance' thing. Also, it seems to me that he's taken a very big step by recognizing this is a problem. If he does, it means he's not happy with it and is probably willing to make everything in his power to solve it.

Not so much. In Brazil it was pretty much limited to jokes with the insanely witty punchline of "that's because you're stupid." I had to tell him to stop making fun of my nose and the pounds I put on in Brazil (now off--thanks USCIS!) but he did stop. (Until yesterday.) He does do this to some degree with other people, but I don't know. He is otherwise always telling me he loves me for being so independent, opinionated, etc. It's a behavior that "flares up" but that is not good enough. It has to never flare up. Respect is basic.

What does your gut tell you? What is your instinctive reaction to his behavior? Because that is the best way to know how you should proceed.

I've been where you are. I eventually came to the right decision, but would have saved myself years of difficulty if I'd just followed my instincts.

Best of luck to you.

My gut is telling me a lot of things! That's the worst part. His gut says he can change. My head says don't be with someone for what they may someday be, but for what they are today. But of course, as Gimygirl pointed out, I love the guy, I've invested a lot of time, we've lived together before, etc. This makes your guy reactions very complicated.

ps Thank you to everyone listening. As I'm sure many of you have experienced, it is kind of uncomfortable talking to people in your life about this SO that seems imaginary to them. So many are bound to disapprove anyway without this information. gimygirl especially thank you. I really take your advice to heart. I have a lot of respect for your opinions and I should probably frame what you wrote to help me through this week!

[rebeccajo 14]

Sounds like immaturity to me. Try giving him some of it back. Bet he won't like it.

Oh...and the next time he says....that's because you're stupid....tell him not as stupid as he will be when he realizes what life is like without YOU.

Edited August 30, 2006 by rebeccajo