Overlooked Question

[msd 3]

Well it's very silly and ignorant of his parents to tell him such things if they have never been in the USA themselves.

They clearly have no idea that for the most part, americans are very open and friendly people who will (mostly) only discriminate against ILLEGAL immigrants. If he is friendly and hard working himself, nobody will say something against him I'm sure. Especially in a community with a lot of indian people.

All advice I can give you is to introduce him to all of your friends and encourage him to also hang out with a couple of guy-friends without you. I reckon it will give him a sense of belonging and not just being there JUST because of you and it might make him more confident that he will also be accepted for himself and not just because his wife is a USC and they have to accept him.

Good luck to your family!

[CaliforniaGuy 2]

what do you mean by infiltrate our marriage?

Some people are too nosey and they don't know when to stop. They can get too close to you enough to give wrong thoughts to you or your husband. Have a lot of friends but make sure they don't cross that line.

[smsgrl2009 1]

Thanks to everyone for their input. It looks as though he is going to try and postpone the interview date. Even if he gets the visa on September 2, he won't come for a while. I am not sure that any of this is going to work out and I am pretty devastated. What do you say to someone who thinks you are being selfish because you want to be with them so badly? Maybe I am just too selfish..either way, we are at an impasse. I hate being alone as much as he hates the idea of coming here to live. Its to the point we are attacking each other and thats no good so I am just giving him space for now. I am happy everyone else's stories work out..but I cannot foresee my happy ending anymore. Good Luck to you all!

[LotofPatience 65]

Where there's a "WILL", there's a "WAY"!

Loto

Edited August 22, 2010 by LotOfPatience

[hobokenworkingman 4]

I live in the Charlotte area..plenty of IT here with all the banks and there are several large companies here like IBM and Siemens..It is a perfect for us both since we are both in the IT industry. Of course his company is actually headquartered out of NY and I offered to move there if he wanted to transfer though I think we would live better here due to costs of living comparisons... Bottom line is..I just have to get him over the hurdle and get him here. His parents have forced him to choose between me and them...and he is just in turmoil..he wants to come but he literally feels he is leaving his world totally behind. The only way to prove to him that he will flourish here and we will be happy together is to just take the leap of faith.

Hi smsgrl, wow yours and my situation are indeed very similar (had even remarked this before). My wife is from bangalore too and its been a couple of months since she got here. she, like your husband, had all kinds of trepidations about the US, espeically the job situation. My wife was at IBM in bangalore (thus in IT like you guys) and in a great position and was very scared as to what would happen to her in terms of obtaining a job. let's face it; there are reports of job losses everyday in the US and India's outlook is portrayed as sunnier and sunnier on a daily basis. she was concerned about having to start over, go to school, possibly work at a 7-11 and all kinds of stuff. there were similar family issues, although perhaps not to your husband's family's extent. to boot, after she got here, she got a 1st taste of NYC by getting bitten by bed bugs (a real epidemic in NYC), an ear inflammation from her flight from India, and real homesickness (she's from Kerala and really wanted authentic kerala food, which unlike other conventional s.indian food, is not readily available in NYC). she also doesnt have anyone in the US, so the feeling of being completely alone was also there, regardless of how much we love each other...

so where are we now? well, as someone commented earlier, the IT job situation is not that bad at all. the IBM experience really has opened doors for her and does command respect, despite the fact that her IBM experience is in India. I'm happy to say that she got a job within a month (nailed the 1st job interview she went on and is in a place where just in a month, she's commands her boss's and coworkers' respect - not surprising cuz she's damn good!). we didnt do anything fancy, except for put her resume up on monster and careerbuilder. as a matter of fact, she just got her 1st paycheck yesterday. right now she's on a contractor basis (which btw, is not that bad at all) and her company was nice enough to let her work despite having a SS # already issued (we got a letter from the SS office saying that she was eligible to work while she waited for them to issue her a #). she finally got her SS # last week and will now start receiving the back pay owed to her. so while you may not get paid immediately, at least you're not sitting around the house waiting for your spouse - you guys should do the same thing - apply for the ss# and get that letter saying he can work whiel waiting. that'll give him some confidence. hopefully you'll find a decent contracting company willing to let you do that. btw, she works for a major finance company in wall st - something we'd all dreamt about working at, and now its a daily occurrence for her.

is everything perfect? not by a milestone! we're still trying to deal w/ bed bugs. we've been sleeping on the floor while trying to deal with the bugs in our bed. believe me, going w/o proper sleep is NOT fun, especially when you've been given promises of a beautiful life, after going thru months of waiting in visa hell. so we're still dealing with that, but are making progress daily. and we've been house-shopping. so you have to take it one day at a time. but finally getting the ss# and getting paid was huge to both our morales!

i'd say that you have to make every effort and go beyond to make them feel as much as home as possible. try finding social groups/organizations in charlotte that cater to his background. my brother lives in raliegh and i know that there are lots of indians in NC and in that region and also temples. the more you're around that environment, the better it will be for him to adjust, esp. after he meets ppl from a similar background and starts making friends. cook all his favorite foods - also, you have to let him talk to his family/folks as much as he wants. maybe set up video conf thru skype or something, so that he can see them. the one thign that works in our favor is that we live in NYC, so mobility thru public xport is not an issue. but living out there in NC requires one to drive. you have to set up some kind of thing where he doesnt feel stranded/isolated. i dont know what that is - perhaps take him to the local library when you go to work or something so that he has his own thing to do while you're gone. this is where the social contacts that you make will come in use; so that friends can hang out w/ him whiel you're not around.

anyway, hope this helps some. obviously we havent gotten it all figrued out at all and take it 1 day at a time, but it WILL be a gradual process. you will hit milestones (like getting the SS, GC, dirver's license, getting paid etc) that will be major morale boosters, but it may be punctuated a lot more by fights, confrontations and periods of unrest that will drive you absolutely insane. but ultimately you have to frame it as such to him - that it is/was his choice to come to the US to live with you and if he wants a life w/ you and loves you, this is what he will have to do, or else this is doomed to fail. perhaps that's a talk to have now, rather than after he comes here and feels trapped. here is one idea - right after he gets the visa, tell him to NOT quit his job; rather take a month or 2 long leave or something. let him enter the US and thus get the GC. once he has entered, the GC will allow him unrestricted access. if at anytime he feels trapped, he always has a way out. in that time, it will be up to you to convince him that this indeed is the life to go forward with.

organizations like meetup.com will have lots of listings of social meetups and such that can help you get started.

best of luck, truly!

[smsgrl2009 1]

Hi smsgrl, wow yours and my situation are indeed very similar (had even remarked this before). My wife is from bangalore too and its been a couple of months since she got here. she, like your husband, had all kinds of trepidations about the US, espeically the job situation. My wife was at IBM in bangalore (thus in IT like you guys) and in a great position and was very scared as to what would happen to her in terms of obtaining a job. let's face it; there are reports of job losses everyday in the US and India's outlook is portrayed as sunnier and sunnier on a daily basis. she was concerned about having to start over, go to school, possibly work at a 7-11 and all kinds of stuff. there were similar family issues, although perhaps not to your husband's family's extent. to boot, after she got here, she got a 1st taste of NYC by getting bitten by bed bugs (a real epidemic in NYC), an ear inflammation from her flight from India, and real homesickness (she's from Kerala and really wanted authentic kerala food, which unlike other conventional s.indian food, is not readily available in NYC). she also doesnt have anyone in the US, so the feeling of being completely alone was also there, regardless of how much we love each other...

so where are we now? well, as someone commented earlier, the IT job situation is not that bad at all. the IBM experience really has opened doors for her and does command respect, despite the fact that her IBM experience is in India. I'm happy to say that she got a job within a month (nailed the 1st job interview she went on and is in a place where just in a month, she's commands her boss's and coworkers' respect - not surprising cuz she's damn good!). we didnt do anything fancy, except for put her resume up on monster and careerbuilder. as a matter of fact, she just got her 1st paycheck yesterday. right now she's on a contractor basis (which btw, is not that bad at all) and her company was nice enough to let her work despite having a SS # already issued (we got a letter from the SS office saying that she was eligible to work while she waited for them to issue her a #). she finally got her SS # last week and will now start receiving the back pay owed to her. so while you may not get paid immediately, at least you're not sitting around the house waiting for your spouse - you guys should do the same thing - apply for the ss# and get that letter saying he can work whiel waiting. that'll give him some confidence. hopefully you'll find a decent contracting company willing to let you do that. btw, she works for a major finance company in wall st - something we'd all dreamt about working at, and now its a daily occurrence for her.

is everything perfect? not by a milestone! we're still trying to deal w/ bed bugs. we've been sleeping on the floor while trying to deal with the bugs in our bed. believe me, going w/o proper sleep is NOT fun, especially when you've been given promises of a beautiful life, after going thru months of waiting in visa hell. so we're still dealing with that, but are making progress daily. and we've been house-shopping. so you have to take it one day at a time. but finally getting the ss# and getting paid was huge to both our morales!

i'd say that you have to make every effort and go beyond to make them feel as much as home as possible. try finding social groups/organizations in charlotte that cater to his background. my brother lives in raliegh and i know that there are lots of indians in NC and in that region and also temples. the more you're around that environment, the better it will be for him to adjust, esp. after he meets ppl from a similar background and starts making friends. cook all his favorite foods - also, you have to let him talk to his family/folks as much as he wants. maybe set up video conf thru skype or something, so that he can see them. the one thign that works in our favor is that we live in NYC, so mobility thru public xport is not an issue. but living out there in NC requires one to drive. you have to set up some kind of thing where he doesnt feel stranded/isolated. i dont know what that is - perhaps take him to the local library when you go to work or something so that he has his own thing to do while you're gone. this is where the social contacts that you make will come in use; so that friends can hang out w/ him whiel you're not around.

anyway, hope this helps some. obviously we havent gotten it all figrued out at all and take it 1 day at a time, but it WILL be a gradual process. you will hit milestones (like getting the SS, GC, dirver's license, getting paid etc) that will be major morale boosters, but it may be punctuated a lot more by fights, confrontations and periods of unrest that will drive you absolutely insane. but ultimately you have to frame it as such to him - that it is/was his choice to come to the US to live with you and if he wants a life w/ you and loves you, this is what he will have to do, or else this is doomed to fail. perhaps that's a talk to have now, rather than after he comes here and feels trapped. here is one idea - right after he gets the visa, tell him to NOT quit his job; rather take a month or 2 long leave or something. let him enter the US and thus get the GC. once he has entered, the GC will allow him unrestricted access. if at anytime he feels trapped, he always has a way out. in that time, it will be up to you to convince him that this indeed is the life to go forward with.

organizations like meetup.com will have lots of listings of social meetups and such that can help you get started.

best of luck, truly!

Wow, thank you so much for replying. I am going to copy and paste this to him in an email. Day to day it is a struggle with him. One day he has the confidence and one day..well he thinks I am pushing to hard. I told him I will wait as long as it takes but that it is my wish for him to come here and be with me and my daughter (whom he adores as his own) and live as a family and that just like his parents, we are his family too. I didn't know we could take that SSN letter and apply for work so thank you for letting me know. That may make all the difference. I am planning to take the first week off to be with him and get all the "running around" done..but then i have to go to work during the day. I live in the suburb and work in the city...and I had planned to bring him to work with me as he would be close to the mall, best buy...etc..and even bus stops if he wanted to just take a ride into downtown so that he isn't just sitting home all day. I am learning how to cook indian food..his favorite dishes in fact..and familiar with the good indian grocery stores. I haven't located temples yet but will look into that as well. I am looking into some social sites to meet some other indian people and get acquainted with that can help him too. As far as him talking to his family, I have vonage so he can talk unlimited. They have webcams and we can all video chat but his family is telling him they will have nothing to do with him..so this is an issue that will just take time to resolve. I also told him we can go visit his family at Christmas (if they are willing)..but he seems to be doubtful that this can happen.

Bottom line is, I am trying to my best ability to be patient, and supportive and understanding with him but my patience is wearing thin. I have waited a year and half to be with him and I don't want to wait any more. Moreover, I know once he is here, his family will begin to accept me, he will find a job where he isn't a slave, and overall, he will be happy. I know he will get homesick and I am prepared for a mild depression..another thing is winter..he has never experienced temperatures lower than 50 degrees F...I am trying to figure out if its time to just flat out tell him that he made the commitment when he married me and that his parents are no longer his only family..that he as my husband has to consider my feelings in this as well and that he has had the last year to prepare mentally for this transition. Now the time has come and he needs to just man up to it...But..not sure how these statements will fly with his delicate ego..lol.

Currently, he is planning to go Friday to get his vaccinations from local hospital in Bangalore. He has not scheduled his medical though plans to call tomorrow and see what appointments are available. Based on that, I have to email the embassy back and see if they have a later date in September that he can attend. Their first response was maybe...to email them the date we will have all our paperwork complete. Not sure if he will be able to interview Sept 2 or not..and even if he does and passes, I am not sure when he will come. My hopes is by the end of September I will get to hug him once again! Love can be such a B*$#@h sometimes.

[hobokenworkingman 4]

Wow, thank you so much for replying. I am going to copy and paste this to him in an email. Day to day it is a struggle with him. One day he has the confidence and one day..well he thinks I am pushing to hard. I told him I will wait as long as it takes but that it is my wish for him to come here and be with me and my daughter (whom he adores as his own) and live as a family and that just like his parents, we are his family too. I didn't know we could take that SSN letter and apply for work so thank you for letting me know. That may make all the difference. I am planning to take the first week off to be with him and get all the "running around" done..but then i have to go to work during the day. I live in the suburb and work in the city...and I had planned to bring him to work with me as he would be close to the mall, best buy...etc..and even bus stops if he wanted to just take a ride into downtown so that he isn't just sitting home all day. I am learning how to cook indian food..his favorite dishes in fact..and familiar with the good indian grocery stores. I haven't located temples yet but will look into that as well. I am looking into some social sites to meet some other indian people and get acquainted with that can help him too. As far as him talking to his family, I have vonage so he can talk unlimited. They have webcams and we can all video chat but his family is telling him they will have nothing to do with him..so this is an issue that will just take time to resolve. I also told him we can go visit his family at Christmas (if they are willing)..but he seems to be doubtful that this can happen.

Bottom line is, I am trying to my best ability to be patient, and supportive and understanding with him but my patience is wearing thin. I have waited a year and half to be with him and I don't want to wait any more. Moreover, I know once he is here, his family will begin to accept me, he will find a job where he isn't a slave, and overall, he will be happy. I know he will get homesick and I am prepared for a mild depression..another thing is winter..he has never experienced temperatures lower than 50 degrees F...I am trying to figure out if its time to just flat out tell him that he made the commitment when he married me and that his parents are no longer his only family..that he as my husband has to consider my feelings in this as well and that he has had the last year to prepare mentally for this transition. Now the time has come and he needs to just man up to it...But..not sure how these statements will fly with his delicate ego..lol.

Currently, he is planning to go Friday to get his vaccinations from local hospital in Bangalore. He has not scheduled his medical though plans to call tomorrow and see what appointments are available. Based on that, I have to email the embassy back and see if they have a later date in September that he can attend. Their first response was maybe...to email them the date we will have all our paperwork complete. Not sure if he will be able to interview Sept 2 or not..and even if he does and passes, I am not sure when he will come. My hopes is by the end of September I will get to hug him once again! Love can be such a B*$#@h sometimes.

well, they should definitely be able to give you a letter stating that you should be able to work while you are waiting. the exact lingo that we got in the letter (its a form letter, so not specific to us:)

"If you are not a U.S. citizen and you are applying for a Social Security number card for employment purposes and your immigration status allows you to work, you may legally begin employment while you await issuance of a Social Security card. You cannot work if your immigration status does not authorize you to do so."

we had some name discrepancies in my wife's passport (the idiots at the indian passport office lumped her middle and last names together as last) and so SS needed to verify her identity and cr-1 immigration status when we applied. that's why they gave us this letter saying that after they verified her status, they would issue the #, but in the meantime, she can work. I dont want to make it seem like that's a cure-all, but its a start, since while the SS office may be ok with this, it is still up to whichever company you work for to be ok w/ allowing him to work while he is in waiting. the suggestion you can offer up to prospective companies is to withhold pay (so that they can take out taxes) until the # comes in and then issue the paycheck (that's kinda what we did).

yea you definitely have to gear up for winter, no doubt! but atleast NC does not get as cold as NYC, so that's a saver. but still yes - my wife is very cold averse and i will be bundling her up bigtime in NYC winter!

as for vaccinations, i believe you have to go to the apollo clinic in chennai to get them done (i know that's where my wife went and they gave her vaccinations). i dont think local vaccinations are accepted (but i could be wrong; they may accept the vaccination records) - definitely clarify and inquire about that.

as for the interview, i believe you have 3-4 months to enter after you get the visa. so even if he gets the visa in september 2nd, you'll have till the EOY or so to enter. perhaps you can go during xmas and come back together?

yup Love is a total b*****h sometimes, but it is totally worth it! my guess is that you're not Indian, right? I would really try to get the cooking down (at least his foods), cuz more than anything, that can be a contentious issue...

[nab 74]

{snipped}

yea you definitely have to gear up for winter, no doubt! but atleast NC does not get as cold as NYC, so that's a saver. but still yes - my wife is very cold averse and i will be bundling her up bigtime in NYC winter!

{snipped}

off topic but just a suggestion for those who really need to be bundled against the winter weather: buy her a down coat. those things are so hot i couldnt even carry mine around the stores without the arm it was thrown over sweating LOL! i gave mine to a NYer friend and it was even too hot for them but we're used to the cold

to the OP... just be patient with him but FIRM. dont belittle, just remind him that he is grown, with a wife and step-daughter and he now has responsibilities to his new family.

parents over there have a lot of control over their children, even grown ones it can be quite frustrating, especially if you dont get along with them.

good luck <hug>