Adjustments... from LDR...

[Jen&Carsten 0]

I think this is a topic that could probably use its own section...lol.

My Fiance has remarkably been hired on an H1B and will be arriving in the USA in THREE DAYS! We had anticipated dealing with the K3 or K1 process, so this is truly a miracle. We certainly will be filing an AOS after we get married- but this has changed our plans significantly.

As long as the last 3.5 years have felt, it now feels like time if flying and my entire life is about to change. No more sitting in front of the computer for hours, Skype, complaining about missing each other, dreading the time between visits, etc... It all seems incredibly surreal right now. Everything we have dreamed of is about to happen and I cannot even begin to describe how I feel.

I think I have narrowed it down to 2 specific concerns. I worry that he will harbor resentment toward me at some point due to the fact that he is leaving his home, job, family... moving 4,000 miles to be with me. In addition to that I worry that changing the dynamic of our relationship will break it somehow. We have remained strong through the hell that you all surely understand, and for quite some time. I do not want anything to destroy that when we have finally made it this far.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated!

[Damian&Kelly 16]

I wasn't prepared for the way he'd react to the change. The first 6 months were amazing as we both were so happy to be together and get married. After that it got rocky as he couldn't work yet and he got bored. He got homesick and missed his friends and family. Once he got a job things changed as he started to rebuild a life here in the US. He still wasn't completely happy. He missed going out for drinks with his friends and playing sports. Just this summer, 2 years here, he has made some friends. He actually met a fellow Englishman and now he plays soccer with them and goes out some evenings. I haven't seen him this happy since we were in England.

My advice would be don't take anything personally. When my husband wasn't happy, I got very upset that I couldn't make him happy. I didn't understand why he wasn't happy to be with me instead of 3,500 miles away. This made tension but we got through it as I started to understand that he was happy with me just missed home. I'd also say give him space as he'll need to take things in his own time and way. Make him feel as at home as possible. I got my husband the soccer channel so he could still watch the English football and I also learned how to make some of his favorite foods from home that he couldn't get here. We also found an English shop that we go to every once in awhile and stock up on some English treats.

One thing we took from being in a LDR was the communication. As we used to talk every day online. I think that's what a lot of couples lack. So we decided we couldn't lose that communication and we treat it like we're still apart. It doesn't matter how much time you spend together there are always interruptions in life. Every night we go for a 15 min car ride or walk and just talk, about anything and everything that's going on. This has become a routine just like talking on skype when we were far. It helps us get through the stresses of every day life and stay as close as ever.

Congratulations on finally being together and getting through the distance! Enjoy every minute together!

[Jen&Carsten 0]

I wasn't prepared for the way he'd react to the change. The first 6 months were amazing as we both were so happy to be together and get married. After that it got rocky as he couldn't work yet and he got bored. He got homesick and missed his friends and family. Once he got a job things changed as he started to rebuild a life here in the US. He still wasn't completely happy. He missed going out for drinks with his friends and playing sports. Just this summer, 2 years here, he has made some friends. He actually met a fellow Englishman and now he plays soccer with them and goes out some evenings. I haven't seen him this happy since we were in England.

My advice would be don't take anything personally. When my husband wasn't happy, I got very upset that I couldn't make him happy. I didn't understand why he wasn't happy to be with me instead of 3,500 miles away. This made tension but we got through it as I started to understand that he was happy with me just missed home. I'd also say give him space as he'll need to take things in his own time and way. Make him feel as at home as possible. I got my husband the soccer channel so he could still watch the English football and I also learned how to make some of his favorite foods from home that he couldn't get here. We also found an English shop that we go to every once in awhile and stock up on some English treats.

One thing we took from being in a LDR was the communication. As we used to talk every day online. I think that's what a lot of couples lack. So we decided we couldn't lose that communication and we treat it like we're still apart. It doesn't matter how much time you spend together there are always interruptions in life. Every night we go for a 15 min car ride or walk and just talk, about anything and everything that's going on. This has become a routine just like talking on skype when we were far. It helps us get through the stresses of every day life and stay as close as ever.

Congratulations on finally being together and getting through the distance! Enjoy every minute together!

Thank you Kelly, that is a lot of good advise, and encouraging! I do tend to take things personally, I can just imagine...

Congratulations to you and Damian on getting his greencard!

[ibtd 0]

From an immigrant point of view:

That Carsten is able to work right away will help a lot. I know that I was quite bored every now and then in the months where I wasn't allowed to work and my wife probably noticed that a lot. The biggest problem will be that he has no one besides you in the beginning. So I would suggest that you try to introduce him to many people. Maybe he will find a friend soon (having a job will help with that).

Ask him what items/food he misses the most from Germany and try to change that. Maybe go to a German deli every now and then and get a typical German dinner together.

In other words, try to make him feel at home as much as you can. I know that one of the hardest things is to adjust to life together. It's true for you, but also and especially for him. Finding the line between leaving the space each of you needs and doing things together is very important. Don't force yourself on him and let him explore his new country on his own, if he wants to.

From my experience I can tell you that there were a few things here and there that were a little rough to adjust, but all in all it wasn't as hard as expected. So don't sweat things. Everything will work out fine. It will take a little time in the beginning, but it's worth it.

Good luck to you.

[Damian&Kelly 16]

I totally agree with letting him explore on his own! Once my hubby got his license we bought a GPS, he goes out often and now he likes to rub it in if he knows a short cut that I never knew though I was born and raised here. Once he showed me a few he felt that this was his home as well. It took a good year to call this home and to call this his house and not just mine.

[Mrs.J06 4]

Since everybody adjusts so differently I find it always hard to give advice.

From my personal experience - I found it hard to be suddenly "dependent" and not knowing how things are done didn't help.

Suddenly here I was in my thirties and didn't even know how to register a car, pick up prescription medication etc.

I agree that him being able to work, meet colleagues and make money right from the start will help a lot.

Be patient, offer to help but don't press him if he's the independent type. My husband always asked me if I wanted him to come along (to Social Security Office, DMV and things like that), and I really appreciated that. When I felt comfy enough to do things myself I said so and he didn't insist, but I knew he'd gladly come with if I wanted to.

Take time to explore together. We took a lot of little drives in our area in the first few weeks and I enjoyed that tremendously. My husband showed me the house he used to live in before, where he worked before and things like that. Helps to understand each other better and helps the immigrant to feel more part of the USC's life.

Good luck, enjoy the time, it's unique!

[FrostyMist 1]

I don't feel that going from a LDR has in any way changed my relationship with my husband in a bad way. If anything, it has brought us closer and made us even happier than we were before. I did worry that such a change might change our relationship somehow, but to be honest, we'd spent so much time together (months visiting each other) that we were used to each others' company so the adjustment from an LDR wasn't all that big of a thing for us.

On a personal level, the hardest thing for me when I moved here was the loss of independence. I hated having to re-learn how to do simple things like get a prescription or post a letter. I even began to dread grocery shopping because I felt utterly overwhelmed by trying to find brands of foods that I liked to eat. Also, not having any idea at all about how much things cost was difficult for me.

I've only been here since April, so I've still a ways to go yet, but I can definitely say that I do feel settled here. It was hard at the start, but once I began to regain some independence, I found it easier to adapt. My husband has been very patient and understanding throughout the whole experience - he's taken me on a drive round most of the town, showing me the places he went to as a kid, and also the various stores and places of interest (here is the bank, here is the grocery store, here is a place to buy gifts, etc etc) so now I feel like this place is more familiar.

Edited August 21, 2010 by FrostyMist

[rlogan 2,036]

communication.

A great big AMEN to communication.

Do not keep feelings bottled up inside. Do not lie. Do not think that by taking some indirect action the spouse will understand the hidden message. Each of you tell the other exactly what is on your mind and in your heart every day.

We live in a log cabin in the woods of interior Alaska and go to town as little as possible for supplies. It was a huge change of environment for her coming from the polluted, crowded, ghastly heat of a poor city in the Philippines. There was no such thing as tracking moose, lumberjacking, bush planes, four wheelers, snow-machines - and sixty below zero raw temperature. We don't do the Phil-Am society thing. No clubs, social events, or outside friends. Neither of us. I do consulting on the internet so we are both home with our son or in the woods 24/7. It's wonderful. Life couldn't be better for either of us.

Jen&Carsten he can do webchat with his family and friends back home. My wife does that just about every day with her family. We have a dish for internet.

But the main thing is communication. If you aren't compatible, then that's that. But never let any tiny little resentment start building up into a big ordeal simply because you didn't nip it in the bud. Women especially think men are mind-readers and get upset because their husband could not see their invisible sign. Tell him in plain english what is going on in your head, and have him do the same for you.

Best of luck.