Know Thy Enemy: Volcanoes 2.0

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

With volcanoes in the news lately, I thought I’d do a Know Thy Enemy on them. Then I found out I already did one. Well, Science! has advanced a lot since then and numerous more facts are known about volcanoes, so I had my crack research team come up with an even more comprehensive list of what we know about volcanoes:

FUN FACTS ABOUT VOLCANOES

* Volcanoes erupt when, deep within the earth, deposits of baking soda mix with deposits of vinegar.

* Volcanoes are like mountains… but with a gooey center!

* What a volcano kills most people with is its lava… or is it its smoke. Well, whatever it is, just stay the hell away from whatever comes out of a volcano.

* Iceland names their volcanoes by repeatedly smashing their palm into a keyboard.

* Where lava comes from is deep within the earth. If you dig a lot, after getting through the dirt, you’ll hit hot magma. And then China.

* If you dig a hole that flows magma into China, the Chinese will get angry. Stupid Commies.

* Scientists say that global warming can cause volcanoes. If you think that’s idiotic, Science! has also proved that global warming causes idiotic scientific arguments, so bad Science! is even more proof of global warming, stupids!

* Many islands have volcanoes. This is much more dramatic because then you can’t just drive away from the slowly moving magma.

* Volcanoes can easily shut down air travel any time they want, which is why most volcanoes are on the “No Fly” list.

* I’d hope on a normal day, though, they still wouldn’t let someone named Eyjafjallajökull on a plane.

* To stop a volcano, throw a virgin in it. Sluts only make it angrier.

* Volcanoes can contribute to mass extinction events, so if you see lots of animals around you dying and can’t figure out why, the killer is probably either a volcano or a butler.

* A volcanic explosion puts a huge amount of pollution into the air, making it comparable to Al Gore.

* If the volcano you see is hollowed out, look out for evil geniuses.

* If you see a lava flow coming towards you, jump! Maybe it will cool to regular harmless rock before you hit the ground.

* Childhood obesity is another cause of volcanic eruptions. I’m not sure how, but I just really hate fat kids and I’m pretty sure volcanoes do to.

* Extremely large volcanoes capable of causing mass extinction events are called “supervolcaoes”. Volcanoes capable of climbing walls and sensing danger are called “spider-volcanoes”.

* The reason things get so hot within the earth is because the earth is spinning. To demonstrate this effect, spin around really fast and then take your temperature.

* In a fight between a volcano and Aquaman, the exact results of the fight wouldn’t be known until ten thousand years later when Aquaman’s remains are unearthed from the rock.

* If you think you see an erupting volcano, call the police. Someone should know about it.

* A volcano can explode with far more power than a nuclear bomb, and yet the earth refuses to take part in disarmament talks.

* Whatever you do, don’t let your kids play on a volcano’s edge unless it has railing.

* The Roman god most closely associated with volcanoes is Vulcan, god of logic and bowl haircuts.

* The site of Yellowstone National Park was once a giant volcano. If that ever goes off again, expect park services to ask for more money. They’re always looking for an excuse to ask for more money.

http://www.imao.us/index.php/2010/04/know-thy-enemy-volcanoes-2-0/

[Calypso 464]

I thought he'd end that with "Let's start worshiping volcanoes."

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I like saying the word, magma. Makes me feel dirty.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

If you put a lava lamp in a microwave, will it will erupt?

[one...two...tree 2,762]

If you put a lava lamp in a microwave, will it will erupt?

I don't want to find out.

Remember those high school science projects where someone would make a volcano using baking soda and peroxide? It was more like a magic show than real science, but it was sure cool to watch.

[Dr. Obvious 49]

If you put a lava lamp in a microwave, will it will erupt?

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

[Ban Hammer 13,398]

* To stop a volcano, throw a virgin in it. Sluts only make it angrier.