K1 - petitioner got cold feet - final interview Monday (in 3 days in london) - What best to do

[TracyTN 237]

She's never going to get a guarantee that it will work, even spending weeks and weeks more with her is still no guarantee of success. LDRs inherently have risk in them, esp. when one person is leaving their homeland for an entirely new life.

Regardless, if your plan is to interview later, you need to be contacting the consulate pronto.

[SunDrop 59]

I haven't even started the process yet, but can relate to your situation.

My USC bloke and I have been together for nearly 3 years. We met up for 2 trips of 3 weeks each in 2007, once him here and once me there. Then in May 2008, he came over for what was supposed to be 3 weeks and turned, thankfully, into 5.5 months.

When we first realised we wanted to be together, he was going to move to London. Several reasons, but mainly income, ease of visa acquisition and also issues like having the NHS for having any kids we might want, etc. He was terribly homesick, though. November he flew home and by December 08, back living with his parents and being jobless, he was very depressed. He didn't feel able to say 'I can't move there' and instead withdrew.

I realised that it was make or break. The distance was absolute torture and we weren't going to be seeing each other until Easter this year. I made the decision to get on a plane and called his mom to ask if she'd be willing to pick me up at the airport and for me to stay with them for a couple of days. I wanted to 'surprise' him. I knew if he wasn't expecting me, his reaction to seeing me would be genuine.

Needless to say, I was spot on with my thinking. After a couple of hours together again, he turned to me and said "Coming here was the best thing you could ever have done. I am so excited that you're here, and I don't want to spend my life without you.' We were able to talk through all the issues that were causing him anxiety, and that included not having really lived together before getting married. He's incredibly worried about all the failed marriages he sees around him and desperately doesn't want to end up a statistic. He wants to feel like he can be the best provider he can (which he can't right now) and has to know that life won't be a struggle. He resents the process forcing us to marry.

We've traveled to the US for a total of 9 weeks already this year, and are leaving in just under 3 weeks for another 4 week trip. And on this trip, I am going to have to say to him that it's now or never. I understand his fears, genuinely, but living in limbo like this (granted the complexity of my divorce hasn't speeded up the process!) is too much. It's literally driving my kid insane from anxiety and insecurity and I can't do anything with my life to better myself in the way I want, because it's futile qualifying here as I'd need to retrain over there.

I'm terrified of what he'll say but have to trust that love will prevail. Having said this, and the point to all my rambling about my relationship, is that I honestly think some people just aren't cut out to be in an international relationship. I wish we could press a reassurance button and help our anxious SOs see that while the going is tough when it comes to visas and the demands they make/ force on us, the result is worth the effort. And I do believe that being face to face with you can only help her overcome the anxiety.

Postpone the interview or it you can't, go to the interview and get that blasted K1. Tell yourself that you need to be in the US and then just go as soon as you can. If I were you, I'd be packing all my stuff up right now, getting it into storage and booking a flight for a week on Monday. I'd simply prepare my life here for a 3 -6 month suspension. At best, you'll have to fly back for a couple weeks to sort your stuff out after you've got your AP. At worst, you'll be back in 3 months starting your life up in the UK again.

The only hiccup is if you think she's likely to cancel your petition without telling you.

Thinking of you and wishing you much luck and a happy outcome,

Tish

[Lisa and Ian 7]

Hi all;

My fiancee is the petitioner in the U.S. We have known each other for 18 months and have been going through the K1 oricess since April. My interview in London is 23rd November.

After 8 months of hard process, and not seeing each other for 5 months i had felt the relationship not as vibrant as once was. We were still speaking every day but i was getting worried so i thought I would ask the question if she want ed to get of this train (metaphor for not beign able to stop a moving train).

She said she had massive anxiety about marrying without living together first. We discussed and in the end she wanted to finish it. No ther reason except anxiety. I have sent her a long email since (like we used to, to woo each other) and i have only had 1 text saying she is lost for words, hard for her too and will write back. That was Monday and still nothing. I did lay out options around me going over after the visa has been processed for a week and staying in a hotel just to meet. Then see how we go. I haven't had a reply except for that text saying "lost for words, hard for her too".

I feel its the pressure of marriage that is getting to her. She has had some bad relationships in her past and life for her is quite hard at the moment. I think i would make it better but maybe she is thinking of me and the damage it could do to my life of going there and it not working. Again, i am guessing. I dont know

So this feels like the end but hope is a good thing (as Shawshank would say). I am giving her time.

so what to do.

I have more or less everything i need for the interview but dont have the heart to do it. I dont want to stop the process because if she changes her mind i cant go through this again. Its 8 months of real heartache.

I want to cancel the meeting and go to the bottom of the queue, maybe 2 - 3 months later , where we can see where we are.

Is this the best idea. How do i do it? I see no numbers and they say in writing? People must get ill an not make these interviews. What happens?

Thoughts please

Paul

Some leaglities...

She can stop the process by withdrawing the petition with a letter to the consulate. Maybe she did, maybe she didn't

If you go there and state that you intend to marry this person within 90 days, when she has called it off, it is visa fraud.

Were I you, I would do one of two things...

disconnect the phone, Thank You, goodbye and book a plane ticket to a target rich atmosphere to forget about it

OR

Send her an email, tell her you ARE GOING to the interview and then will be coming to the US to marry her and if she wants to say no, she will tell you to your face. No wussy, wimpy email breakups for a guy who agreed to move across continents for her...you deserve a face to face. Then turn of your email and the next she sees you you are on her doorstep. This way, at least it isn't visa fruad if you tell her you are going to do it and she doesn't put a stop to it.

Either way...YOU grab the knobs and turn. Whatever you do, don't quit your day job. Once you enter the US on a K-1...well if you marry her, who needs the job in England? If you don't, you don't need to worry about protectng status so you can go home.

This is pressure on her and that what worries her. I need to see her without the marriage bit. What i want to do is...

Postpone it and hopefully hear nothing until the new year when i get an interview date in February

Travel over there in the next two to three weeks for a week and see how we get on. Meet her kids again and see how we get on in normal life. There has never been any argument she is just worried what happens if i come over and marry and it goes wrong. This way i cant stay. But the process doesn't go back to zero either. Yes, i do know i could be turned away at the border.

This way i get my face-to-face, with no pressure on her, with a chance to resurrect the process if she agrees

If that doesnt work i have done everything i can and i am going to go somewhere hot to forget it all for a while :0)

I think you have a good plan. If she's fearful of marriage, then perhaps she'll feel better discussing it with you face-to-face.

I can't see going to the interview under the circumstances, really.

[Jewel-8 21]

I think you have a good plan. If she's fearful of marriage, then perhaps she'll feel better discussing it with you face-to-face.

I can't see going to the interview under the circumstances, really.

I like the idea of postponing the interview and going to see her once more. I have been at the place where all I wanted was to see him again to make sure we were doing the right thing. At least you have an idea that whether you live together or get married, it will take work to get over the issues that are causing this hurdle.

Edited November 20, 2009 by Jewel-8

[Alan D. 0]

Hi all;

My fiancee is the petitioner in the U.S. We have known each other for 18 months and have been going through the K1 oricess since April. My interview in London is 23rd November.

I want to cancel the meeting and go to the bottom of the queue, maybe 2 - 3 months later , where we can see where we are.

Is this the best idea. How do i do it? I see no numbers and they say in writing? People must get ill an not make these interviews. What happens?

Thoughts please

UK citizens don't need a visa to come here. Fiance can just jump on a plane and come over tomorrow and live with you for up to 3 months.

Don't know why you havent tried that before.. ya, it's gonna cost about $1k for a plane ticket, but sounds like it would be money well spent.

If you want to be sure, just call and reschedule the interview for a later date and live together for a couple of months.

Only problem I can see with that would be losing the job in UK but fiance was going to have to give that up anyway.

[thongd4me 69]

Hi all;

My fiancee is the petitioner in the U.S. We have known each other for 18 months and have been going through the K1 oricess since April. My interview in London is 23rd November.

I want to cancel the meeting and go to the bottom of the queue, maybe 2 - 3 months later , where we can see where we are.

Is this the best idea. How do i do it? I see no numbers and they say in writing? People must get ill an not make these interviews. What happens?

Thoughts please

UK citizens don't need a visa to come here. Fiance can just jump on a plane and come over tomorrow and live with you for up to 3 months.

Don't know why you havent tried that before.. ya, it's gonna cost about $1k for a plane ticket, but sounds like it would be money well spent.

If you want to be sure, just call and reschedule the interview for a later date and live together for a couple of months.

Only problem I can see with that would be losing the job in UK but fiance was going to have to give that up anyway.

I'd cancel & go to the bottom of the queue, but you have to iron out a few more relationship shirts before you

start to wear them in public. That is, she has to genuinely WANT you to be with her for X amount of time

even if it's a trial period. She may have met someone and can't bring herself to tell you that. It may be

that women relate in emotional terms and men are more direct, but the result is often communication

run amok and neither is to blame, they are just playing their own roles. That's why you have to

develop some set of rules by which you can compromise & come to agreement on basic things.

When I married my Japanese ex, we hadn't sorted out our communication well enough and the

result was disaster. I had many doubts and I didn't confront her and she had as well and didn't

confront me. She had overstayed a student visa and it was like an ultamatum, marry me or

I'm gone. I should have taken it for what it was, called her bluff and let the chips fall, but

I was overly optimistic that the things I found offensive about her would change.

You might also come to the US to be "on the pull" for other talent, but then you have to

admit that you're not going there to be with her but to "find yourself" whatever that means.

I think that for each of you, you're emotionally spent/lost and the long distance thing is taking it's toll.

I never had any doubts in almost 7 years about my fiancee. Maybe I'm in a dream world but I don't

think so as we have covered just about every subject humanly possible, from family to finance and intimacy.

We communicate more and better in a week with each other than I did with my ex in over 20 years.

Part of learning to live with someone can benefit from interview skills - you are interviewing each other

each and every day. If you don't know what the other means, admit that you don't understand and

ask for clarification. We do that with each and every conversation. That way false assumptions don't

build and fester over time.

At this point there is a communication impasse for you. Face time may or may not sort that out.

Best of luck.

[S_AL_ 1]

Paul,

Its disturbing to know about your situation. People would say everybody deserves a second chance but this whole idea of first living together to see if two people are compatible for marriage is just hard to understand. You moving all the way to the US, leaving behind your work, family, friends and what not just on a chance to see if this works out seems like a rather risky decision. In the end, if you both manage to fall back in love in the true sense then no one on earth can come between you two...but please do remember...if someone's can retreat once...chances are they will retreat again. Imagine her retreating from you after you get married and get stuck here in the US...and what if you are not even able to find work here. Its a huge decision on your part knowing how a man's role of the provider of the family is. I wish you all the best but please be careful.

regards,

S.

[Lisa and Ian 7]

Paul,

Its disturbing to know about your situation. People would say everybody deserves a second chance but this whole idea of first living together to see if two people are compatible for marriage is just hard to understand. You moving all the way to the US, leaving behind your work, family, friends and what not just on a chance to see if this works out seems like a rather risky decision. In the end, if you both manage to fall back in love in the true sense then no one on earth can come between you two...but please do remember...if someone's can retreat once...chances are they will retreat again. Imagine her retreating from you after you get married and get stuck here in the US...and what if you are not even able to find work here. Its a huge decision on your part knowing how a man's role of the provider of the family is. I wish you all the best but please be careful.

regards,

S.

I think in any relationship where both people inhabit the same country, it would be quite normal to live together and determine if marriage is the right thing to do. When a norm makes sense to you and provides you with a comfort level, then it is tough to bypass the norm.

Using the VWP to spend more time together, I think, is an excellent idea. Maybe a leave from work would help facilitate more time together.

There is a risk in any relationship. Hurdles are not necessarily a bad thing. People learn and grow closer by overcoming them.

[rebeccajo 14]

I hadn't seen this thread earlier. I'd like to add something and I hope it won't be misinterpreted by you, Paul.

You say you brought up the discussion about 'stopping the train'. You also state your fiance has had other bad relationships.

Is there any chance she thought you were really ditching her? And that her reaction at this point is "oh great just another guy who is dissing me"?

I mean .......... no offense.......buy you are the one that started the conversation.

Edited November 20, 2009 by rebeccajo

[paul p 0]

I haven't even started the process yet, but can relate to your situation.

My USC bloke and I have been together for nearly 3 years. We met up for 2 trips of 3 weeks each in 2007, once him here and once me there. Then in May 2008, he came over for what was supposed to be 3 weeks and turned, thankfully, into 5.5 months.

When we first realised we wanted to be together, he was going to move to London. Several reasons, but mainly income, ease of visa acquisition and also issues like having the NHS for having any kids we might want, etc. He was terribly homesick, though. November he flew home and by December 08, back living with his parents and being jobless, he was very depressed. He didn't feel able to say 'I can't move there' and instead withdrew.

I realised that it was make or break. The distance was absolute torture and we weren't going to be seeing each other until Easter this year. I made the decision to get on a plane and called his mom to ask if she'd be willing to pick me up at the airport and for me to stay with them for a couple of days. I wanted to 'surprise' him. I knew if he wasn't expecting me, his reaction to seeing me would be genuine.

Needless to say, I was spot on with my thinking. After a couple of hours together again, he turned to me and said "Coming here was the best thing you could ever have done. I am so excited that you're here, and I don't want to spend my life without you.' We were able to talk through all the issues that were causing him anxiety, and that included not having really lived together before getting married. He's incredibly worried about all the failed marriages he sees around him and desperately doesn't want to end up a statistic. He wants to feel like he can be the best provider he can (which he can't right now) and has to know that life won't be a struggle. He resents the process forcing us to marry.

We've traveled to the US for a total of 9 weeks already this year, and are leaving in just under 3 weeks for another 4 week trip. And on this trip, I am going to have to say to him that it's now or never. I understand his fears, genuinely, but living in limbo like this (granted the complexity of my divorce hasn't speeded up the process!) is too much. It's literally driving my kid insane from anxiety and insecurity and I can't do anything with my life to better myself in the way I want, because it's futile qualifying here as I'd need to retrain over there.

I'm terrified of what he'll say but have to trust that love will prevail. Having said this, and the point to all my rambling about my relationship, is that I honestly think some people just aren't cut out to be in an international relationship. I wish we could press a reassurance button and help our anxious SOs see that while the going is tough when it comes to visas and the demands they make/ force on us, the result is worth the effort. And I do believe that being face to face with you can only help her overcome the anxiety.

Postpone the interview or it you can't, go to the interview and get that blasted K1. Tell yourself that you need to be in the US and then just go as soon as you can. If I were you, I'd be packing all my stuff up right now, getting it into storage and booking a flight for a week on Monday. I'd simply prepare my life here for a 3 -6 month suspension. At best, you'll have to fly back for a couple weeks to sort your stuff out after you've got your AP. At worst, you'll be back in 3 months starting your life up in the UK again.

The only hiccup is if you think she's likely to cancel your petition without telling you.

Thinking of you and wishing you much luck and a happy outcome,

Tish

This is what makes this site so wonderful. Thanks for your time and compassion in this reply. You have helped me immensely and as we know, sharing our owns thoughts help us as well. Real thanks

I think contacting mother and jumping on the plane is a really good idea. I am still awaiting a reply from my fiancee and i have tried contacting my fiancee yesterday but nothing. So, i am going to text my fiancee tomorrow, after the time of my interview (i'm not going and will explain to all on another reply) and then i will contact her mom and see if she can shed a little more light. obviously there my be something that i dont know and i get on with her mom. I will do it via email.

If her mom thinks its worth the chance i will go in about 3 weeks time.

God, i so understand your anxiety etc. I felt like i had no enthusiasm for anything for the 8 months i was waiting. Waste of time building for a future here when it may not happen. I so wish you the best. Thanks to you again,

Paul

[paul p 0]

I hadn't seen this thread earlier. I'd like to add something and I hope it won't be misinterpreted by you, Paul.

You say you brought up the discussion about 'stopping the train'. You also state your fiance has had other bad relationships.

Is there any chance she thought you were really ditching her? And that her reaction at this point is "oh great just another guy who is dissing me"?

I mean .......... no offense.......buy you are the one that started the conversation.

I understand your point but im sure not. I think she was relieved and looking for a way out. I gave her an opportunity. I dont know what has happened but i felt i was losing her over the last two months. Not sure why. Life had become hard for in money terms etc. She my be protecting me, or found someone else, or just gone off me. I dont know. She said in the communication (a text) i have had off her in 14 days (we used to contact each other many times every day), that she was "lost for words". That was a week ago. Going to write an update now at the end of this thread.

[SunDrop 59]

This is what makes this site so wonderful. Thanks for your time and compassion in this reply. You have helped me immensely and as we know, sharing our owns thoughts help us as well. Real thanks

I think contacting mother and jumping on the plane is a really good idea. I am still awaiting a reply from my fiancee and i have tried contacting my fiancee yesterday but nothing. So, i am going to text my fiancee tomorrow, after the time of my interview (i'm not going and will explain to all on another reply) and then i will contact her mom and see if she can shed a little more light. obviously there my be something that i dont know and i get on with her mom. I will do it via email.

If her mom thinks its worth the chance i will go in about 3 weeks time.

God, i so understand your anxiety etc. I felt like i had no enthusiasm for anything for the 8 months i was waiting. Waste of time building for a future here when it may not happen. I so wish you the best. Thanks to you again,

Paul

You're welcome, I'm glad you found it helpful in its own way. I hesitated about editing it, if I'm honest, because I really struggle with what many would perceive as his lacking commitment. But then, what does it matter what anyone else thinks! We're all human and I sometimes feel we hesitate to show vulnerability, particularly where our kinds of relationships are concerned. I think many here could agree that our relationships have been marked as doomed, frowned upon, criticized and scrutinized, not only by the authorities but also our nearest and dearest. My 'in laws' still can't understand how he turns down a dinner/ movie invite from them because he has a 'date' with me, his friends have asked how on earth we survive intimately and then there's our own expectations.

I firmly believe that life is too short to not be bold. International love isn't for the faint of heart and sure as hell is going to push every insecurity button going. I've learnt over the past 3 years that stepping outside of your comfort zone is hard but more often than not, rewarding. Even if the outcome isn't what you wanted most, you gain insight and perspective that can only serve to grow you as a person.

Go and see her, unless Mother point blank tells you that she's moved on. At best you can re-ignite what brought the two of you together in the first place and reassure her. At worst, you'll learn that it isn't going to be but at least you'll get real closure.

Wishing you strength of mind and courage of heart,

Tish

[Gary and Alla 3,695]

Hi all;

My fiancee is the petitioner in the U.S. We have known each other for 18 months and have been going through the K1 oricess since April. My interview in London is 23rd November.

After 8 months of hard process, and not seeing each other for 5 months i had felt the relationship not as vibrant as once was. We were still speaking every day but i was getting worried so i thought I would ask the question if she want ed to get of this train (metaphor for not beign able to stop a moving train).

She said she had massive anxiety about marrying without living together first. We discussed and in the end she wanted to finish it. No ther reason except anxiety. I have sent her a long email since (like we used to, to woo each other) and i have only had 1 text saying she is lost for words, hard for her too and will write back. That was Monday and still nothing. I did lay out options around me going over after the visa has been processed for a week and staying in a hotel just to meet. Then see how we go. I haven't had a reply except for that text saying "lost for words, hard for her too".

I feel its the pressure of marriage that is getting to her. She has had some bad relationships in her past and life for her is quite hard at the moment. I think i would make it better but maybe she is thinking of me and the damage it could do to my life of going there and it not working. Again, i am guessing. I dont know

So this feels like the end but hope is a good thing (as Shawshank would say). I am giving her time.

so what to do.

I have more or less everything i need for the interview but dont have the heart to do it. I dont want to stop the process because if she changes her mind i cant go through this again. Its 8 months of real heartache.

I want to cancel the meeting and go to the bottom of the queue, maybe 2 - 3 months later , where we can see where we are.

Is this the best idea. How do i do it? I see no numbers and they say in writing? People must get ill an not make these interviews. What happens?

Thoughts please

Paul

Some leaglities...

She can stop the process by withdrawing the petition with a letter to the consulate. Maybe she did, maybe she didn't

If you go there and state that you intend to marry this person within 90 days, when she has called it off, it is visa fraud.

Were I you, I would do one of two things...

disconnect the phone, Thank You, goodbye and book a plane ticket to a target rich atmosphere to forget about it

OR

Send her an email, tell her you ARE GOING to the interview and then will be coming to the US to marry her and if she wants to say no, she will tell you to your face. No wussy, wimpy email breakups for a guy who agreed to move across continents for her...you deserve a face to face. Then turn of your email and the next she sees you you are on her doorstep. This way, at least it isn't visa fruad if you tell her you are going to do it and she doesn't put a stop to it.

Either way...YOU grab the knobs and turn. Whatever you do, don't quit your day job. Once you enter the US on a K-1...well if you marry her, who needs the job in England? If you don't, you don't need to worry about protectng status so you can go home.

This is pressure on her and that what worries her. I need to see her without the marriage bit. What i want to do is...

Postpone it and hopefully hear nothing until the new year when i get an interview date in February

Travel over there in the next two to three weeks for a week and see how we get on. Meet her kids again and see how we get on in normal life. There has never been any argument she is just worried what happens if i come over and marry and it goes wrong. This way i cant stay. But the process doesn't go back to zero either. Yes, i do know i could be turned away at the border.

This way i get my face-to-face, with no pressure on her, with a chance to resurrect the process if she agrees

If that doesnt work i have done everything i can and i am going to go somewhere hot to forget it all for a while :0)

Sure you can do that also.

[Allie and Nigel 2]

I'm so sorry Paul, this shouldnt happen...really...all the work and the wait and she does this?? I think holding off on the interview is the right thing for the time being....just to see what she's all about when you see her. THEN do the interview.