How many of you here married to a /widow/widower?

[crishe_30 0]

Hi Everybody,

I've been an avid reader of this website and I find it very interesting and informative. Most of the people here ( but not all) have something in common and it is great because they can relate and understand each other. In my case, like where I am now, I feel that I am just alone in this situation. I have nobody to talk to when I need to express my feelings and thoughts about my situation. Hey, my life is not terrible but not perfect either. I can't complain anything other than my insecurities/jealousy of his late wife. I know the comparison between me and his late wife is normal and there were times that I felt like a third wheel and didn't know where to stand. I should have not felt this way but I can't control myself. Another thing, my husband is very firm from the very beginning of not having a kid with me. At first, I was fine about it but there were times that I long of having a kid of my own, probably because of my insecurities or I don't know.

Hey, I just need your inputs and insights about my situation. I know being married to a widower is quite crucial. Yhank you

[justashooter 430]

Hi Everybody,

I've been an avid reader of this website and I find it very interesting and informative. Most of the people here ( but not all) have something in common and it is great because they can relate and understand each other. In my case, like where I am now, I feel that I am just alone in this situation. I have nobody to talk to when I need to express my feelings and thoughts about my situation. Hey, my life is not terrible but not perfect either. I can't complain anything other than my insecurities/jealousy of his late wife. I know the comparison between me and his late wife is normal and there were times that I felt like a third wheel and didn't know where to stand. I should have not felt this way but I can't control myself. Another thing, my husband is very firm from the very beginning of not having a kid with me. At first, I was fine about it but there were times that I long of having a kid of my own, probably because of my insecurities or I don't know.

Hey, I just need your inputs and insights about my situation. I know being married to a widower is quite crucial. Yhank you

in general, Americans tend to grieve loss of a spouse in proportion to the years spent with the deceased. for men, recovery to true independence and completion of processing of the loss averages 2 years for every 10 married. for women it's 3-4 years for every 10 married. this is true in divorce, as well as widowhood, and applies to any person worth marrying. it it doesn't seem to apply to some people that's because they are so shallow and self centered (sociopathic) that they are not worth marrying. use this average as an estimate for the number of years you will have to suffer being compared to your husband's last wife. it sounds harsh, but is a realistic estimation of your place in this relationship.

things are more complicated if you married very close to the death of the last wife. if your husband spent less than 1-2 years alone before marrying you he will be "transferring" some of his interdependency with his last wife onto you. he will do this unconsciously, and cannot control it. it is a normal feature of remarriage soon after loss, and will prevent him from ever fully grieving his last wife until he has to grieve you, if this ever happens. in this case you have married into what remains of an existing marriage (in a psychological sense) and will reap the costs and benefits of the balance in the last relationship.

long term prognosis? you will always have the shadow of his last wife over your life, but it will get fainter as the years roll by. he will come to develop a deeper relationship with you that will take first position in his life. he will come to cherish you for the way you care for him, and will develop a love for you that is yours and yours alone. he will think of YOU as his wife, and will struggle to remember the woman he had been married to and lost some years before.

the long and the short of it is that you will have the position in your husband's life that you make for yourself, but you will have to be a bit patient and forgive him for his need of time to let go of the past. i understand your situation as a man who was married young and lost his relationship, then remarried. i can see it when i look back many years into the past. your husband will be able to see it then, too. it just takes a little time.

in the meantime, remember, love begins with respect. be worthy of your own respect and he will respect you. be worthy of your own admiration and he will admire you. be worthy of your own love, and he will love you.

[crishe_30 0]

in general, Americans tend to grieve loss of a spouse in proportion to the years spent with the deceased. for men, recovery to true independence and completion of processing of the loss averages 2 years for every 10 married. for women it's 3-4 years for every 10 married. this is true in divorce, as well as widowhood, and applies to any person worth marrying. it it doesn't seem to apply to some people that's because they are so shallow and self centered (sociopathic) that they are not worth marrying. use this average as an estimate for the number of years you will have to suffer being compared to your husband's last wife. it sounds harsh, but is a realistic estimation of your place in this relationship.

things are more complicated if you married very close to the death of the last wife. if your husband spent less than 1-2 years alone before marrying you he will be "transferring" some of his interdependency with his last wife onto you. he will do this unconsciously, and cannot control it. it is a normal feature of remarriage soon after loss, and will prevent him from ever fully grieving his last wife until he has to grieve you, if this ever happens. in this case you have married into what remains of an existing marriage (in a psychological sense) and will reap the costs and benefits of the balance in the last relationship.

long term prognosis? you will always have the shadow of his last wife over your life, but it will get fainter as the years roll by. he will come to develop a deeper relationship with you that will take first position in his life. he will come to cherish you for the way you care for him, and will develop a love for you that is yours and yours alone. he will think of YOU as his wife, and will struggle to remember the woman he had been married to and lost some years before.

the long and the short of it is that you will have the position in your husband's life that you make for yourself, but you will have to be a bit patient and forgive him for his need of time to let go of the past. i understand your situation as a man who was married young and lost his relationship, then remarried. i can see it when i look back many years into the past. your husband will be able to see it then, too. it just takes a little time.

in the meantime, remember, love begins with respect. be worthy of your own respect and he will respect you. be worthy of your own admiration and he will admire you. be worthy of your own love, and he will love you.

Your insights and thoughts were highly appreciated. What can I do? I can not just control my feelings about it but I believe I will be fine eventually. Besides, I am still having a hard time adjusting my life here in the US. You would probably understand what is like when you are new to the country, culture, lifestyles, marriage and everything else around. I know these negative thoughts won't bring me nowhere but I can't just help it. I also feel that I have nobody whom I can express my feelings and thoughts about my situation now so I think this is the best place where I can express myself. Some people can be very judgemental but I don't care. To be honest, I feel better now after I posted here. Anyway, I have faith in myself that I can get past this moment of my life. Deep in my heart and soulI feel lucky to have a great husband who is always loving, compassionate and supportive. He is the only one I got!!! Unfortunately, topics like these are quite sensitive to be discussed with him. I tried and it didn't help. Thank you once again---Crishe

[justashooter 430]

Your insights and thoughts were highly appreciated. What can I do? I can not just control my feelings about it but I believe I will be fine eventually. Besides, I am still having a hard time adjusting my life here in the US. You would probably understand what is like when you are new to the country, culture, lifestyles, marriage and everything else around. I know these negative thoughts won't bring me nowhere but I can't just help it. I also feel that I have nobody whom I can express my feelings and thoughts about my situation now so I think this is the best place where I can express myself. Some people can be very judgemental but I don't care. To be honest, I feel better now after I posted here. Anyway, I have faith in myself that I can get past this moment of my life. Deep in my heart and soulI feel lucky to have a great husband who is always loving, compassionate and supportive. He is the only one I got!!! Unfortunately, topics like these are quite sensitive to be discussed with him. I tried and it didn't help. Thank you once again---Crishe

sugar,

i'm speaking form the man's perspective on this, and every man is different, so i'm generalising in my comments.

you do have a right to be upset about the "third person" in your relationship, but should have thought about this going into the marriage. harsh words again? sure, but it would be of no service to you to lie about the nature of the problem. you married this guy knowing he was widowed, and should have found out what that meant before accepting him "as-is". he is a work in progress, and will be a different guy 2 years from now. what he turns into is partly up to you, but partly up to him, so beyond your control. learning the difference between what you are responsible for and what he is responsible for is the key to your happiness in the marriage. you just have to do what is right from your side in order to earn your respect and be able to love yourself. he will follow your example soon enough.

you're prolly much younger than your husband and have prolly never been married or lived with a guy for many years, so have no basis on which to understand what your husband is going thru. you're just gonna have to try to understand it like a bird learning how to fly the first time it falls out of the nest. this may involve meeting the dirt a few times. you have my complete sympathy, no doubt. you have my compassion out of the respect i have for the understanding my wife has given to me in regard to my own grief.

your husband doesn't skate for free in my book. he was irresponsible to allow a woman to set her heart on him before he was able to give his. he should have waited and grieved the loss of his wife in private, without dragging you into his "mess". but then, he's prolly just a normal guy who got lonely and thought that marrying again would heal the loss he experienced. marrying again can't fix the pain he has. the only thing that can heal his loss is time. the second marriage should be a new joy, not a fix for the loss of the first.

what can you do with the frustrations and disappointment about this issue? you're thai born and can distill your experience and write it out in a second language so fluently? you must be a very clever and well educated girl, with lots of intellectual potential. you must have a very high IQ and educational level. you prolly have a passing understanding of individual psychology and couples dynamics from kollege. if you don't you can read about this in texts available from your local library. there are good books available about the grief process and relationships after grief. you can use knowledge gained by reading to rationalise your way into a new cognitive schema that compensates for your husband's temporary "incapacity".

once you have taken the time to read about where your husband is right now you may be able to more easily forgive him. once you understand that he is in the middle of a process that is temproary in nature you may decide to just wait him out. you may realise that his extreme devotion to his last wife is indicative of his capacity to have committment to you. you may find this a virtue that is rare in men, and of high value, and love him more because of it.

if you can find an older man to talk with about this who is in the correct position to discuss (preist or other churchman, or counselor) it may help for you to speak it out. just be careful to choose someone who has the restraint to avoid becomoing personally involved with you and polluting your relationship with your husband. speaking is related to hearing. writing is related to reading. both are theraputic in mentally processing change or new experience, and help us adjust to challenges that we face in life. if you can explain to your husband that you are getting counseling to help you understand the loss he feels, he may be willing to come with you and talk about it. talking about his loss would help him process it, as well.

i understand what it is like to live in a foreign place. i lived in china many years and developed a "new person" to live there. you will do fine in adjusting to America. find some thai friends to talk with about this kind of thing who are also here. i understand that you can't complain to people in thailand. you would loose face to do this.

you can always talk with me. PM me anytime.

[thongd4me 69]

Your insights and thoughts were highly appreciated. What can I do? I can not just control my feelings about it but I believe I will be fine eventually. Besides, I am still having a hard time adjusting my life here in the US. You would probably understand what is like when you are new to the country, culture, lifestyles, marriage and everything else around. I know these negative thoughts won't bring me nowhere but I can't just help it. I also feel that I have nobody whom I can express my feelings and thoughts about my situation now so I think this is the best place where I can express myself. Some people can be very judgemental but I don't care. To be honest, I feel better now after I posted here. Anyway, I have faith in myself that I can get past this moment of my life. Deep in my heart and soulI feel lucky to have a great husband who is always loving, compassionate and supportive. He is the only one I got!!! Unfortunately, topics like these are quite sensitive to be discussed with him. I tried and it didn't help. Thank you once again---Crishe

sugar,

i'm speaking form the man's perspective on this, and every man is different, so i'm generalising in my comments.

you do have a right to be upset about the "third person" in your relationship, but should have thought about this going into the marriage. harsh words again? sure, but it would be of no service to you to lie about the nature of the problem. you married this guy knowing he was widowed, and should have found out what that meant before accepting him "as-is". he is a work in progress, and will be a different guy 2 years from now. what he turns into is partly up to you, but partly up to him, so beyond your control. learning the difference between what you are responsible for and what he is responsible for is the key to your happiness in the marriage. you just have to do what is right from your side in order to earn your respect and be able to love yourself. he will follow your example soon enough.

you're prolly much younger than your husband and have prolly never been married or lived with a guy for many years, so have no basis on which to understand what your husband is going thru. you're just gonna have to try to understand it like a bird learning how to fly the first time it falls out of the nest. this may involve meeting the dirt a few times. you have my complete sympathy, no doubt. you have my compassion out of the respect i have for the understanding my wife has given to me in regard to my own grief.

your husband doesn't skate for free in my book. he was irresponsible to allow a woman to set her heart on him before he was able to give his. he should have waited and grieved the loss of his wife in private, without dragging you into his "mess". but then, he's prolly just a normal guy who got lonely and thought that marrying again would heal the loss he experienced. marrying again can't fix the pain he has. the only thing that can heal his loss is time. the second marriage should be a new joy, not a fix for the loss of the first.

Chrishe,

This guy may have taken a slightly different approach from me but I believe our message is the same.

Wise words indeed. Nothing to add or take away. It's good to get this off your chest in an anonymous

online forum, because talking about it with neighbors, acquaintances could be counter-productive as

you know and being new in a new country you don't know who you can or cannot trust.

TD4Me

what can you do with the frustrations and disappointment about this issue? you're thai born and can distill your experience and write it out in a second language so fluently? you must be a very clever and well educated girl, with lots of intellectual potential. you must have a very high IQ and educational level. you prolly have a passing understanding of individual psychology and couples dynamics from kollege. if you don't you can read about this in texts available from your local library. there are good books available about the grief process and relationships after grief. you can use knowledge gained by reading to rationalise your way into a new cognitive schema that compensates for your husband's temporary "incapacity".

once you have taken the time to read about where your husband is right now you may be able to more easily forgive him. once you understand that he is in the middle of a process that is temproary in nature you may decide to just wait him out. you may realise that his extreme devotion to his last wife is indicative of his capacity to have committment to you. you may find this a virtue that is rare in men, and of high value, and love him more because of it.

if you can find an older man to talk with about this who is in the correct position to discuss (preist or other churchman, or counselor) it may help for you to speak it out. just be careful to choose someone who has the restraint to avoid becomoing personally involved with you and polluting your relationship with your husband. speaking is related to hearing. writing is related to reading. both are theraputic in mentally processing change or new experience, and help us adjust to challenges that we face in life. if you can explain to your husband that you are getting counseling to help you understand the loss he feels, he may be willing to come with you and talk about it. talking about his loss would help him process it, as well.

i understand what it is like to live in a foreign place. i lived in china many years and developed a "new person" to live there. you will do fine in adjusting to America. find some thai friends to talk with about this kind of thing who are also here. i understand that you can't complain to people in thailand. you would loose face to do this.

you can always talk with me. PM me anytime.

[chinese_mutt 11]

in the meantime, remember, love begins with respect. be worthy of your own respect and he will respect you. be worthy of your own admiration and he will admire you. be worthy of your own love, and he will love you.

This is inspirational.