Avoiding "bad" Russian influence

[clueless_in_usa 8]

I want to open this topic for those people who already have a Russian spouse (especially wife) in the USA.

I have heard many horror stories of good Russian ladies who became very different people after they befriended other "bad" Russians already living in the USA. Everybody likes to have some kind of familiar surrounding at all times, so it is not surprising for foreign wives to search for new friends from her home country. However, that can be a double-edge sword (according to what I heard), because some of these people will only get bad ideas into our SOs heads (like how to call the police and say that they got abused, even though it never happened).

I know that these stories are extreme cases, but I have heard similar stories more than once, and I wonder if there is anything a USC can do or say to avoid this and at the same time not be paranoid or look like an insecure controlling husband.

Does anybody have anything to add/suggest?

[mox 298]

I think the type of person that would ever listen to the "claim abuse" advice from anyone is the type of person that is going to find these "bad elements" with or without your help anyway. So really, I think the answer to your question goes back to before you even file, and make sure you find a person who wants to be with you. And I know that there's no way to screen out the bad elements 100%, but it means that you shouldn't be worried about introducing your wife to other Russians. If she's an honest woman, she'll know herself whether to stay away from them. And if she's not, well then there's really nothing you're going to be able to do about it.

Remember too: she's not a gradeschool child whose friends you need to screen. She's an adult, capable of deciding who's good and bad herself. Put yourself in her situation. If you were going to Russia to live, would she need to be concerned about what American influences you should be hanging around with?

[Thomas-n-Elena 0]

Mox hit the nail on the head.

My wife met a someone from Russia who turned out to not be very nice and said things to Lena that made her angry so we dont talk to her anymore.

Through a ESL class she met two women from the Ukraine and made friends with them. One is married to someone who is a bit controlling and the other is just 2 years ahead of my wife as far as the immigration process goes. I have spoken with both of their husbands and they are ok guys.

My best advice to see what kind of people your wife is getting to know is invite them and their american SO out for a meal. Use your radar to scope out the SO, a lot can be learned from watching the two of them interact with each other. The husband might be a control freak or just a regular guy who is struggling with the same questions you are.

Dont assume that you got the only good woman from Russia, I have one, Mox has one, Slim has one. We all have found happiness but it takes work.

The most important thing I can advise you is talk to your new wife about how she feels, encourage her to make your home hers as well(It may take some paint and carpet), get her involved in ESL classes so she doesnt feel so alone or trapped. And as always if you have questions ask us we are here to help both of you make this transition.

[clueless_in_usa 8]

I think the type of person that would ever listen to the "claim abuse" advice from anyone is the type of person that is going to find these "bad elements" with or without your help anyway. So really, I think the answer to your question goes back to before you even file, and make sure you find a person who wants to be with you. And I know that there's no way to screen out the bad elements 100%, but it means that you shouldn't be worried about introducing your wife to other Russians. If she's an honest woman, she'll know herself whether to stay away from them. And if she's not, well then there's really nothing you're going to be able to do about it.

Remember too: she's not a gradeschool child whose friends you need to screen. She's an adult, capable of deciding who's good and bad herself. Put yourself in her situation. If you were going to Russia to live, would she need to be concerned about what American influences you should be hanging around with?

I am not as worried about her as I am about my particular situation. My job requires me to stay away from home very often, so I worry about leaving her alone surrounded by the wrong company. I worry only in case she does not find "good" friends and ends up with the wrong company as default (due to the lack of other friends). I know that being alone away from family and friends is not easy, thus the temptation to befriend the wrong crowd if she does not find proper people to talk to.

Other than that, I know her well and I know that she really wants to be with me ... but, what if I cannot be there with her often?

[AKguy 1]

... but, what if I cannot be there with her often?

What about your friends and family? Could they hang out with her or include her in the group?

Other than that, you have to be secure in trusting her to make good choices. That's the same in any relationship. There are bad influences everywhere and for everyone, we either choose to partake in them or we don't.

You won't always be able to manage her environment.

[SuperDuper! 230]

Mox hit the nail on the head.

My wife met a someone from Russia who turned out to not be very nice and said things to Lena that made her angry so we dont talk to her anymore.

Through a ESL class she met two women from the Ukraine and made friends with them. One is married to someone who is a bit controlling and the other is just 2 years ahead of my wife as far as the immigration process goes. I have spoken with both of their husbands and they are ok guys.

My best advice to see what kind of people your wife is getting to know is invite them and their american SO out for a meal. Use your radar to scope out the SO, a lot can be learned from watching the two of them interact with each other. The husband might be a control freak or just a regular guy who is struggling with the same questions you are.

Dont assume that you got the only good woman from Russia, I have one, Mox has one, Slim has one. We all have found happiness but it takes work.

The most important thing I can advise you is talk to your new wife about how she feels, encourage her to make your home hers as well(It may take some paint and carpet), get her involved in ESL classes so she doesnt feel so alone or trapped. And as always if you have questions ask us we are here to help both of you make this transition.

Forget good one. What we want to know is, who has the hottest one!

[Rob_Lesya 4]

During my first marriage, we met quite a few of the "bad Russians." I felt so sorry for the American spouses who didn't speak a word of Russian and so had no clue the extent to which their wives would bad-mouth them to others right in front of them! I can give you many examples of the types of "negative influences" that my wife encountered from these "bad Russians". But I still would never blame them for the breakup of our marriage. Our marriage broke up because of issues that existed even before we were married or before we met any of these people, problems which were there but which we both chose to ignore. Perhaps these "negative friends" helped speed along the break-up of the marriage, so in my particular case, maybe I should be glad they were there.

Of course, almost all couples fight at some point-- have their arguments, disagreements, rough patches, etc. In those situations, I can see where such negative friends might be the difference between whether the marriage survives or doesn't. But what can you do about it?

1) THE MOST IMPORTANT--- you need to make sure that you truly know your SO and are as certain as you can be about the strength of your relationship and about your commitment to each other BEFORE you even file the petition. If that means you take some additional time to make additional trips to Russia to resolve any doubts-- you do it. Or you have them come here on a tourist visa so that you can spend time together. Or you spend time together with them in a 3rd country. If you don't have the time, the patience, or the finances to do that -- you don't go forward with a petition and simply hope that things will work out.

2) Have open and direct discussions with your SO about this topic (along with 1,000's of other topics) before they come here. Even before they come here, they are encountering Russians with many different views about foreigners and the different types of relationships that they (the Russian women) should have with foreigners. They will recognize that many view these relationships only as a form of "manipulation" and know that for a TRUE relationship to thrive, people with that type of attitude should be avoided.

3) Be vigilant and observant and wary of everyone that you meet with as individuals or as a couple. It's not just Russians that can have negative influences. Often the attitudes of some American friends can be very condescending and hurtful to your SO ... and to your relationship. You can encounter Americans who think that all Russians are liars and manipulators and only here for the green card, or consider all such relationships to be "MOB" relationships, and not "real" relationships.

4) Continually reinforce with your SO that your marriage and your relationship with each other is THE most important thing in each of your lives ..... and ANYone who exhibits attitudes or behaviors that threaten that or that are disrepectful of that MUST be eliminated from your social circle.

The main thing is -- COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION. If you have good communication with your SO BEFORE and DURING the marriage, no amount of communication from these "bad russians" is going to make a difference. If that good communication isn't there to begin wth, then you can't really blame anyone else for the failure of that relationship.

[clueless_in_usa 8]

During my first marriage, we met quite a few of the "bad Russians." I felt so sorry for the American spouses who didn't speak a word of Russian and so had no clue the extent to which their wives would bad-mouth them to others right in front of them! I can give you many examples of the types of "negative influences" that my wife encountered from these "bad Russians". But I still would never blame them for the breakup of our marriage. Our marriage broke up because of issues that existed even before we were married or before we met any of these people, problems which were there but which we both chose to ignore. Perhaps these "negative friends" helped speed along the break-up of the marriage, so in my particular case, maybe I should be glad they were there.

Of course, almost all couples fight at some point-- have their arguments, disagreements, rough patches, etc. In those situations, I can see where such negative friends might be the difference between whether the marriage survives or doesn't. But what can you do about it?

1) THE MOST IMPORTANT--- you need to make sure that you truly know your SO and are as certain as you can be about the strength of your relationship and about your commitment to each other BEFORE you even file the petition. If that means you take some additional time to make additional trips to Russia to resolve any doubts-- you do it. Or you have them come here on a tourist visa so that you can spend time together. Or you spend time together with them in a 3rd country. If you don't have the time, the patience, or the finances to do that -- you don't go forward with a petition and simply hope that things will work out.

2) Have open and direct discussions with your SO about this topic (along with 1,000's of other topics) before they come here. Even before they come here, they are encountering Russians with many different views about foreigners and the different types of relationships that they (the Russian women) should have with foreigners. They will recognize that many view these relationships only as a form of "manipulation" and know that for a TRUE relationship to thrive, people with that type of attitude should be avoided.

3) Be vigilant and observant and wary of everyone that you meet with as individuals or as a couple. It's not just Russians that can have negative influences. Often the attitudes of some American friends can be very condescending and hurtful to your SO ... and to your relationship. You can encounter Americans who think that all Russians are liars and manipulators and only here for the green card, or consider all such relationships to be "MOB" relationships, and not "real" relationships.

4) Continually reinforce with your SO that your marriage and your relationship with each other is THE most important thing in each of your lives ..... and ANYone who exhibits attitudes or behaviors that threaten that or that are disrepectful of that MUST be eliminated from your social circle.

The main thing is -- COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION. If you have good communication with your SO BEFORE and DURING the marriage, no amount of communication from these "bad russians" is going to make a difference. If that good communication isn't there to begin wth, then you can't really blame anyone else for the failure of that relationship.

The process cannot be delayed anymore (the long wait is not healthy) and her interview at the consulate should happen within a couple of months.

Regarding your suggestions, I already did 1) and 2) over and over and I have got plenty of reassurance from both options. However, she has never been to the USA and I want to make sure that WE are prepared for what SHE is going to endure here (I know by my own experience).

I was wondering what other's experiences are/were so I can prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best

... but, what if I cannot be there with her often?

What about your friends and family? Could they hang out with her or include her in the group?

Unfortunately I live far away from my family, and I have friends here and there because I work here and there. B)

[mox 298]

I am not as worried about her as I am about my particular situation. My job requires me to stay away from home very often, so I worry about leaving her alone surrounded by the wrong company. I worry only in case she does not find "good" friends and ends up with the wrong company as default (due to the lack of other friends). I know that being alone away from family and friends is not easy, thus the temptation to befriend the wrong crowd if she does not find proper people to talk to.

Other than that, I know her well and I know that she really wants to be with me ... but, what if I cannot be there with her often?

My advice is the same. She's an adult, and she knows which friendships to cultivate and which to avoid. You trust her enough to be away from her for business trips, so you need to trust also that she's going to make wise decisions. Don't let this bug you, and don't try to over analyze it. If she's the woman you think she is, she will do the right thing on her own. In fact, the worst thing you could do is to put yourself in a position where you're screening her friends. Again, put yourself in her shoes. If you've picked up your entire life to live with her in Russia, and she feels the need to approve all the friends you make, how would this sit with you?

As someone who's been through this process (and lemme tell ya, mine was a doozy), this is the least of your concerns, trust me. You're only months away from marrying a wonderful woman, and both of your lives are going to change in crazy and wonderful ways. As men, our instinct is to always act as the protector. And if you were sitting in a bar and some dude started chatting her up, then hell yeah, give in to that instinct. But this is a case where you're going to have to resist the urge to protect her. If she's the woman you know she is, she'll make the right decisions no matter how lonely she is while you're gone.

And by the way, best of luck in this process and don't be a stranger!

[clueless_in_usa 8]

In case you have not read it, this may be interesting to read ... a little related to the discussion here. I found it in the IMBRA forum ...

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=204935

... MOB qualifiers have cost me a few "friends" already, because I will never accept anybody calling my fiancee an MOB (nor is she one - we did not meet through an IMB). Some times, when I am told this, I respond: "and I even got a money back guarantee." I may be taking it too serious, but a "friend" must first respect me and my family (and my future family).

The statement above may answer MOX's question about friends I would make if I were to live in Russia

[Brad and Vika 129]

I was wondering what other's experiences are/were so I can prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best

My wife is Ukrainian, so if that is a disqualifier please disregard. I have a bunch if Russian speaking acquaintances and friends here in KY, and heard so much negative stuff from them that I had some of the same concerns you discribe. I posted about them here, with the same sorts of responses you are hearing. In addition I was also worried about Vika failing to integrate because of interracting mostly with Russian speakers. This is only my own experience, but my concerns were entirely unfounded. Vika dislikes gossip or interference of any kind from any one with her family - so she just doesn't mix much with the Russian community (they are bigtime gossips and LOVE to lay on the advice). Our family is the most important thing in the world to her, and she simply will not put herself intentionally in situations where negativity is the order of the day.

I believe that the Eastern Europeans that come here for the right reasons and marry decent USCs are not often noticed to the extent the scammers, etc, are, primarily because they don't have the problems and relationships you describe above. The good ones are in the majority - but kind of invisible. Most of the advice about communicating and getting to know each other seems to me common sense, but still needs saying.

[mox 298]

The statement above may answer MOX's question about friends I would make if I were to live in Russia

Exactly. You've got high standards of friendship, you don't need your spouse telling you what friends you should and shouldn't have. Trust that her standards are as high.

[amberdima 6]

i was warned about the 'bad' russians before my husband arrived; however, i live in a city full of russians (this includes ukrainians, serbians, etc.) Therefore, it is hard to 'avoid' them. what i did when he came is took him to the closest russian orthodox church and the local russian store. we have frequented the church, have met many helpful people, and are having our wedding ceremony there. they are also baptizing me orthodox in a few weeks. they have tried to help find my husband work and have welcomed me with open arms. many russians come to our pool club and he has spoken to them, and i encouraged it because i like to watch him interact with them. he took esl courses in which other russians attended. i have been present for most of his communications with his own people. what i have found is that he enjoys being able to speak his language fluently (as i know limited russian), but he enjoys learning about american culture more. my advice would be to encourage involvement in the local russian community, but to be a part of it.

oddly enough, as i am writing this, he is talking to his friend on the phone in russian and i understand much of what he is saying - about me! he's talking about how we me met on the plane and i thought he was french and he thought i was french and we were trying to speak to each other in french. now he's saying we talked on skype. then he said 'blaat!'

learn as much russian as you can. promote her communicating with other russians so it's not so taboo and be a part of it. they won't talk sh!t on you if you know what they're saying!

[clueless_in_usa 8]

learn as much russian as you can. promote her communicating with other russians so it's not so taboo and be a part of it. they won't talk sh!t on you if you know what they're saying!

Thanks!

I speak Russian ... it is the only language in which we can really communicate ... so far

To tell you the truth, knowing her language has helped a lot ... and it is a blessing for her. I would recommend it to anybody trying to get involved with a Russian speaker, even if s/he speaks English fluently (Russian women only speak Russian when they are angry )

[SuperDuper! 230]

If a bunch of Russians are at a celebration, can we call it a "Communist Party"?