A Hard Situation

[~ameriptian~ 54]

Salam everyone!

Hope all of you are doing well. As our timeline shows we have sent our K1 papers in June and got our NOA1. Everything between me and my fiance is going great alhamdulillah our relationship is great and everything is going well. We just have a problem that is not making our happiness complete and we are afraid it might affect our visa process and the length of time before being together .. My family is refusing to give us their consent and approval of our engagement. At times they say do what you like but we are not agreeing with this and at other times they literally try to split us up these times come and go and currently I am facing one these days. My family's only reason for disagreeing with me is that they want me to marry an Egyptian! My fiance is a good man, a good Muslim, and he is the only man I should be with I know it in my heart I have no doubt. He tries all he can to get to know them and let them get to know him with no success. They even set a kind of blind date for me BY FORCE to meet some guy back in January completely ignoring my fiance who just asked me to marry him two months before and I told them I said yes and we can't wait to meet and make it official!... I had to ignore the guy completely and try to tell him by all means I AM NOT INTERESTED without embarrassing my family!! Thank God he did not come back again and said I was cold 'which was totally done on purpose'... My mother has been talking about future blind dates set by family... They have been very rude to my fiance at many occasions and the whole situation is just breaking my heart... It is very hard for us now because they all got mad after they knew our intention of marrying soon and after a mother and daughter talk heart to heart between me and my mother, I feel like her approval is so far fetched at the moment.. Currently I am going through a very hard time for being honest about my personal life and sharing every decision with them.. We are scared if I have home visitations from the embassy our visa could get denied because my family would deny our relationship though they DO know nothing in the world is going to split us unless one of us passes away.. We are also afraid it will make it very hard for us at the interview stage (I am going to be 100% honest about the whole situation), it could result in our visa denial.. Is there any way we could ask for no family visitation at the moment until we get to sort things out with them (though they do get sorted out at times and out of a sudden they go all bad again. It's very confusing!).. I have been and still am living with my family I am close to them.. I am not putting an option to move out and inform the USCIS of a change of address it could save us a lot of trouble although I am independent and my fiance can help, but it's just not an option now.. I want things to be ok and everyone to be happy.. I am just so sad and desperate at the moment.. I don't know what we should do to avoid these two scary scenarios.. You all know how hard it is not being together and this situation is not making me at rest at all...

Please help with any opinion tip or anything you can do... Oh and please no rude answers (I know none of the MENA ladies would post any), it's just I am sad enough now to deal with rude responses...

Thank you,

Aya

[Beth/ Paris Heart 2]

Salam everyone!

Hope all of you are doing well. As our timeline shows we have sent our K1 papers in June and got our NOA1. Everything between me and my fiance is going great alhamdulillah our relationship is great and everything is going well. We just have a problem that is not making our happiness complete and we are afraid it might affect our visa process and the length of time before being together .. My family is refusing to give us their consent and approval of our engagement. At times they say do what you like but we are not agreeing with this and at other times they literally try to split us up these times come and go and currently I am facing one these days. My family's only reason for disagreeing with me is that they want me to marry an Egyptian! My fiance is a good man, a good Muslim, and he is the only man I should be with I know it in my heart I have no doubt. He tries all he can to get to know them and let them get to know him with no success. They even set a kind of blind date for me BY FORCE to meet some guy back in January completely ignoring my fiance who just asked me to marry him two months before and I told them I said yes and we can't wait to meet and make it official!... I had to ignore the guy completely and try to tell him by all means I AM NOT INTERESTED without embarrassing my family!! Thank God he did not come back again and said I was cold 'which was totally done on purpose'... My mother has been talking about future blind dates set by family... They have been very rude to my fiance at many occasions and the whole situation is just breaking my heart... It is very hard for us now because they all got mad after they knew our intention of marrying soon and after a mother and daughter talk heart to heart between me and my mother, I feel like her approval is so far fetched at the moment.. Currently I am going through a very hard time for being honest about my personal life and sharing every decision with them.. We are scared if I have home visitations from the embassy our visa could get denied because my family would deny our relationship though they DO know nothing in the world is going to split us unless one of us passes away.. We are also afraid it will make it very hard for us at the interview stage (I am going to be 100% honest about the whole situation), it could result in our visa denial.. Is there any way we could ask for no family visitation at the moment until we get to sort things out with them (though they do get sorted out at times and out of a sudden they go all bad again. It's very confusing!).. I have been and still am living with my family I am close to them.. I am not putting an option to move out and inform the USCIS of a change of address it could save us a lot of trouble although I am independent and my fiance can help, but it's just not an option now.. I want things to be ok and everyone to be happy.. I am just so sad and desperate at the moment.. I don't know what we should do to avoid these two scary scenarios.. You all know how hard it is not being together and this situation is not making me at rest at all...

Please help with any opinion tip or anything you can do... Oh and please no rude answers (I know none of the MENA ladies would post any), it's just I am sad enough now to deal with rude responses...

Thank you,

Aya

Aya, I know this process is hard enough to go thru, but to have family problems makes it worse, and Im so sorry for that.

Honestly is the best policy IF they ask, but never volunteer information. I truly have no answers for you IF and only IF a family visitation is done, it will be I believe after the interview IF the C/O sees if it is necessary. I had a friend who went thru this in Egypt, her ficance was from Egypt. But of course there was other factors there that is not in your case.

For now most important , keep a constant communication with him, keep all letters, cards, emails, phone bills to show at interview.

Try to keep strong Sweets, nothing has happened with a denial, and I bet it wont happen. Just keep a constant communication with him, afterall, the embassy looks to see if your relatationship is real, and I know it is, maybe your family will not even enter into it at interview.

Best wishes and stay strong.

[doodlebugg 10]

Well first off I personally have never read about a home visit performed in Egypt when the applicant is a female so that should set your mind at ease a little.

As for the interview, when they ask if your parents approve I would say yes and not elaborate. You would not be lying technically because your parents HAVE said yes before. The rest of the details in my opinion are personal and no business of the Embassy whatsoever.

I feel for you on the blind date thing. My sister tried to set me up AND I WAS ALREADY MARRIED!!! He obviously wasn't here yet but she made sure a guy she wanted me to see was at a party and I was so mortified and po'd I didn't speak to her for a while after that. Now she loves my husband and has no problems whatsoever.

I think families in general are hard to accept a long distance relationship with someone they don't know that well. I think of my own daughters and I'd be upset too. That didn't change the fact that I was aggravated with my family's reaction but as people say hindsight is 20/20 and I see now where the anger on their part came from.

Good luck and maybe try to talk to your mom about other subjects and steer clear of the whole marriage issue for a while. Does your fiance live with you and your family? Is he in Egypt? Perhaps a lengthy trip for him to you is in order so that they can better get to know him?

Good luck!

Edited July 1, 2009 by doodlebugg

[HLM 1]

It is a hard situation and I know how it feels sweetie I am so sorry that you are going thru this. Did you try to tell them that being Egyptian has nothing to do with successful marriages..my brother is divorced with a kid in his late 2O's from an Egyptian wife!!! I'm sure you've tried to tackle the issue from many different sides; unfortunately the "tradition" is more important to our families than even religion Honestly in my interview they asked me how did my family feel about my marriage and I said they are excited; it's something new to them. You can answer the question by saying the truth but don't give clear explaination of the situation. You can say it's new to them and they are getting used to it or something like that; you know what I mean. Also like Parisheart said; make sure you have as much proof as you can; because that's definitely the important part. Sister; never say never...you never know what can happen; don't give up and I'm sure your family will come to terms with this. Say dua and keep praying all the way thru and NEVER GIVE UP! I believe everything is possible because Allah is capable of everything and He promised to give those who ask...so insha Allah things will go your way

[UmmSqueakster 54]

My family too did not (and still does not) like my husband. It does make things harder, but not insurmountable.

Would your parents be willing to communicate with your fiance via email? If your husband wrote a letter, would they read it? Or would they be happier if you 2 got married in Egypt? Or if he spent some time with them in Egypt? It's hard for parents to send their little girl off to another country with someone they don't know very well. They probably don't have much knowledge of american men aside from what they see on TV, and don't know what kind of husband he would be. Even if they seem misguided, they really do believe they have your best interest in mind.

Where would you be moving in the US? Is there a muslim population there? Egyptians? Maybe they would feel better knowing more about where you were going, not just to the america they see on TV and in the movies.

AbuS and I talk about the marriages of our (future inshaAllah) children, and how we would react if they met someone online like we did. We both feel that if our daughter or son came to us and was honest about it, kept us actively aprised of the relationship, if the person was a good muslim and gave us a good opportunity to go with him/her to meet this person, we'd be ok with it. That wasn't something we did with our own relationship, and it caused a lot of problems that we're still feeling the effects of 8 years later.

Edited July 1, 2009 by UmmSqueakster

[Nothing1234 2]

{{{{Aya}}}} I'm very sorry you are going through this. Would they most definately be doing a home visit? My fiance never had one...so I'm not sure that would be expected always. Some of us have had them, others have not. I'm just not sure.

I know for a fact that its almost impossible for most of us on here to answer you with a good solution as many of us born and raised in the US just would not have run into these issues. I would love to say its no ones business but the both of you however, as you know...embarassing the family/causing shame, etc are a huge thing when it comes to family obligation there. My only suggestion is to let them know your intentions and perhaps ask them with Ramanda coming to open their hearts and minds and pray for guidance for support in your future. Let them know you intend to pray during this time for your future and ask them to make the same commitment as its important for your family. You are only asking them to pray and ask God for guidance...no opinions, no personal issues. Then let it go and let God help you. I think continual discussion and trying to force emotions on them when they are so against this only makes the situation worse.

I hope that helps a bit...wish there was something more I could do or say to help. Wanna borrow my MIL, SIL and BIL's as family for pictures and the interview? JK

[doodlebugg 10]

AbuS and I talk about the marriages of our (future inshaAllah) children, and how we would react if they met someone online like we did. We both feel that if our daughter or son came to us and was honest about it, kept us actively aprised of the relationship, if the person was a good muslim and gave us a good opportunity to go with him/her to meet this person, we'd be ok with it. That wasn't something we did with our own relationship, and it caused a lot of problems that we're still feeling the effects of 8 years later.

I remember when my mother asked me what would *I* do if it were one of *MY* daughters I said immediately that I would go with her to meet him. No ifs, ands or buts about it!!! Always looking for an excuse for a vacation anyways!!! Plus if the dude had bad intentions I think the presence of parents would probably put him in check.

[~ameriptian~ 54]

Well they actually refused to meet him when he came to visit, I brought it up before he did and they were like 'we are not meeting him'.. It was very embarrassing but he understood. He does not live in Egypt now and we do not have enough savings with all the visa requirements and our daily responsibilities for him to have a lengthy stay here. We are saving though so he can come before my interview time and be here with me when it's time and meet me family together whether they like it or not because I am not going to hide nothing I really do not want any hard feelings in the future. They are a big part of my life and I love them and forgive them not matter what they do (and they have done A LOT) ...

I actually talk every day except when we have to work but always text or IM in our work breaks or whenever we get a chance till we get to get home and talk for hours... We use our cellphones though cause it is not so easy to use the computer all the time so send packages, letters, emails, texts and IM's... I am not worried about how to prove we have a genuine true relationship cause we do.. My only concern is about my family's feelings and that they already don't care about my fiance and our relationship they try to split us and they would love if our visa gets denied

I know what you mean, HLM. I know a few examples when the girl gave up on her relationship for her family and now they are miserable with kids with someone they are not in love with. My family is very traditional and it's making things worse. The reasons they state for refusing my relationship with my fiance wouldn't convince a three-year old. I have been exhausted of trying with no success and it would totally break my heart if they result in any more hurt for me and my fiance by causing us to be apart for a longer time. All we are doing now is praying and hoping for the best but this is consuming me with all the possibilities and the questions in my head.

[Beth/ Paris Heart 2]

Well they actually refused to meet him when he came to visit, I brought it up before he did and they were like 'we are not meeting him'.. It was very embarrassing but he understood. He does not live in Egypt now and we do not have enough savings with all the visa requirements and our daily responsibilities for him to have a lengthy stay here. We are saving though so he can come before my interview time and be here with me when it's time and meet me family together whether they like it or not because I am not going to hide nothing I really do not want any hard feelings in the future. They are a big part of my life and I love them and forgive them not matter what they do (and they have done A LOT) ...

I actually talk every day except when we have to work but always text or IM in our work breaks or whenever we get a chance till we get to get home and talk for hours... We use our cellphones though cause it is not so easy to use the computer all the time so send packages, letters, emails, texts and IM's... I am not worried about how to prove we have a genuine true relationship cause we do.. My only concern is about my family's feelings and that they already don't care about my fiance and our relationship they try to split us and they would love if our visa gets denied

I know what you mean, HLM. I know a few examples when the girl gave up on her relationship for her family and now they are miserable with kids with someone they are not in love with. My family is very traditional and it's making things worse. The reasons they state for refusing my relationship with my fiance wouldn't convince a three-year old. I have been exhausted of trying with no success and it would totally break my heart if they result in any more hurt for me and my fiance by causing us to be apart for a longer time. All we are doing now is praying and hoping for the best but this is consuming me with all the possibilities and the questions in my head.

That would be wonderful if he could attend your interview!! That would be a big plus !!! Dont ever give up, fight for what you love and cherish!!

[~ameriptian~ 54]

My family too did not (and still does not) like my husband. It does make things harder, but not insurmountable.

Would your parents be willing to communicate with your fiance via email? If your husband wrote a letter, would they read it? Or would they be happier if you 2 got married in Egypt? Or if he spent some time with them in Egypt? It's hard for parents to send their little girl off to another country with someone they don't know very well. They probably don't have much knowledge of american men aside from what they see on TV, and don't know what kind of husband he would be. Even if they seem misguided, they really do believe they have your best interest in mind.

Where would you be moving in the US? Is there a muslim population there? Egyptians? Maybe they would feel better knowing more about where you were going, not just to the america they see on TV and in the movies.

AbuS and I talk about the marriages of our (future inshaAllah) children, and how we would react if they met someone online like we did. We both feel that if our daughter or son came to us and was honest about it, kept us actively aprised of the relationship, if the person was a good muslim and gave us a good opportunity to go with him/her to meet this person, we'd be ok with it. That wasn't something we did with our own relationship, and it caused a lot of problems that we're still feeling the effects of 8 years later.

He actually wrote letters but none was read... I do not know what would make them happy at the moment cause all it seems is 'NO' all the time. I am moving to Florida, the mosque is a couple of blocks away from my fiance's house and we have mutual Egyptian older couple friends. He and they suggested that they would visit my family to ease things up a little, but I was not sure cause the time wasn't suitable. It can happen any time though, I just don't want things getting worse.

We, also, talked about what we would feel if our children had the same situation and it was give them a chance to prove the person is good and is worth being with them. That is what we are trying to do....

Nawal, I am so happy for you that you have nice in-laws. It's a blessing. John's family are so nice. I have emailed his mom and dad and phoned them and his grandma a couple of times. I have a good relationship with them. May be when John and I have future look-alike Zain and Nour they would completely give us their blessing.. See their adorable pics just made me smile again.. ...

[Nothing1234 2]

I truly hope the best for both of you and many blessing for healthy and happy babies in your future!!

My inlaws are truly wonderful and have been so supportive of this whole process including me stealing their son away JK! Actually, he thinks I have taken his family away...they recently have asked that I come to Cairo with the babies alone and that its fine if he can not travel for a while. They only want us to come back and my hubby can stay home and take care of the dog and house while we visit.

[~ameriptian~ 54]

That is sweet Annie. I really hope you have a great time with your in-laws and enjoy every minute! ... I hope for the best for everyone as well

[ak3 0]

I think the best thing to do in this situation is that he needs to come to egypt and stay awhile. I know it may be hard to do but in the long run it will help a lot. It shows that he cares about your family and wants to meet them and gives them a chance to know him and they can see he is sacrificing whatever to meet them and show he will take good care of you. I think this is what he needs to do....and the longer he stays, the more they will probably accept him or learn to. Also, you dont want them hating him forever, so it is more beneficial to everyone involved to create strong relationships.....IMO it doesnt matter that he has a job, needs to do anything back home.. make him show that he is sacrificing a lot for you and they will see...actions speak louder than words~

Edited July 2, 2009 by ak3

[100% Al Ahly Fan 53]

Aya sweety....my goes out to you. I can't imagine how difficult this must be. InshaAllah, the family will turn around, but just know that you must do what you feel is right in your heart.

I'm sure my baba would have turned over in his grave if he had known I married a non-Saudi. Not just once, but twice! He really didn't like Egyptians (which is crazy since his wife was Egyptian, which makes his own children - my brother and me- half Egyptian). Sigh....

Anyhow, have you tried by having a sister, brother, cousin, aunty, uncle.....anyone in the family talk to John. Try with them and see if it is possible for them to get to know him and if they accept him, then perhaps it could have the domino effect. I agree too, see if he can stay in Egypt for a while of time. If possible, take some personal time from work. Hopefully this will say a lot to your family.

It's so hard when tradition is ingrained in every cell of our bodies from the culture we come from. This can be a plus or a negative, depending on the situation.

I don't know how the K-1 visa works, but from what I have read, it doesn't appear that they do home visits (if they do, it's not very often). I wouldn't worry yourself with this right now. Just let your family know your intention (which is what you have done so far), although continue to be gentle with them. Allah (swt) knows all. So with time, everything will work out as planned. I will definitely say du3a for you, sister. Hugs!

Edited July 2, 2009 by 100% Al Ahly Fan

[Ihavequestions 419]

My family's only reason for disagreeing with me is that they want me to marry an Egyptian!

I'm not saying they're right, but try to look at it from their point-of-view: there's a man out there who is going to take their little girl (and I don't care how old you are, you're still their little girl) far, far away from them. Not only that, this man is from an entirely different culture, a culture that doesn't have the best reputation in Egypt.

Once you're able to see the situation the way they see it, the more likely it is you will be able to resolve your problem with your parents. When you talk to them about it, skip the "love" talk because, to them, love hasn't got anything to do with it because what they're probably concerned about is your future (and, sure, having to explain this to the neighbors). If you and your fiance are able to reassure and prove to them he will provide for you and protect you and not remove you from your family completely, it may just make a difference.

I feel for you. I really do.