Failing relationships

[WalkonWildSide 0]

Already in the works! If I had a little more time (or a rich uncle who could fund me) I'd already have my screen play done. In the mean time, I gotta work at the factory and pay some bills. Here, maybe this will tide you over until the big release date - http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseacti...ideoID=37942594

Hysterical!!!

So the lead in for that video is something like...

Slim: Sometimes a woman and man start arguing about little things and then...

(cue watermelon exploding)

Slim: <<some pearl of wisdom>>

hey if your rich uncle wants to fund a project...I have a business idea or two that needs some startup capital.

[Brad and Vika 129]

Brad: With the needing more hours of sleep per day...this is a typical FSU woman thing. I have heard this so many times before. Your sleep schedules don't have to align perfectly. Unless both of you work at the same factory on the same shift, somebodies schedule will be different.

In regards to shouting at night. I suffer from this too. It is triggered by stress. Almost always when I am move to a new location the first few months I have this issue. The new location, new sounds, etc, cause stress and it happens. The first time really freaked out the GF. There is nothing you can do about it. You have to learn to live through it. Buy some earplugs is about the best advice one can give. It isn't her fault. She can't control it.

However, it can help if she gets into a good routine and does relaxing things BEFORE going to bed. Talking to mama right before bed is not relaxing, she may disagree but it is true. She needs to read or have a cup of tea or something right before bed. She needs to find something that works.

And by the way when she eventually starts shouting in English, then you will know she is assimilated into American life.

Thanks easytarget, I do recognize that the sleep-talking is out of her control. I have friends in my situation whose wives almost become vampires (sleeping all day and on the phone/web to Europe all night). My wife does sleep at night, so I am blessed there, and when she starts class next month in the mornings I think the late night stuff will end. Viktoriya tested almost out of ESL English reading, and will be immersed in an English course for Americans this summer. She also switches flawlessly to English as soon as I speak to her, even in her sleep.

And you are right about relaxing before sleep too. When Vika talks to one of her vampiric girlfriends until one or two am, she chatters for hours in her sleep. She was absolutely not hearing me about relaxing, but did respond to my request to please not call late because it disturbs my rest. Go figure. Interesting that you chalk it up to stress and a new environment. I travel for business quite a bit (less right now obviously), and have never had that problem. Makes sense though.

[Kotenochek 0]

Ok Guys,first I want to thank you all for trying to give advices:)))You are the best!!!

I am sorry to be away for a while had to work on a relationship...

So .I took all of your advices and started very aggressively search for a job.I asked all people I know to help me...Tomorrow I already have an interview..Hopefully something will come out of this...

I think if I have my full time job and always gone,he will realize what he is missing on and time we spend together will turn into a quality time...

Slim,you are right my husband is a great guy,I just guess this is a 2 year crisis....Just got to live through this and see how it goes...

I also agree with all stuff you wrote there...It is all true!!!!I wish government made it easier on couples to give them more dating time before marriage.It is just crazy to get married within 90 days!

P>S> never meant to say American guys are bad...Just trying to figure out His(AMERICAN) mentality ))

Edited May 11, 2009 by Kotenochek

[anka 1]

I've actually tried to post some of the "bad" stuff here because I believe the other part of our Visa Journey (The unofficial stuff that doesn't directly deal with visas, immigration, paperwork, etc. - The everyday life stuff.) is just as important, maybe more so, than the visa. My wife wasn't thrilled when I shared some personal details here on the forum but I think it's a great place to get feedback and advice and to also help us realize we're not alone and many of us here are going through similar situations. Sure, we're not all best friends, but we're not really strangers either. Some things we can share because we don't really know each other but other things we try to keep private when really, we should be sharing. I made a good friend through VJ, met in person, and wouldn't feel funny sharing anything with him or his wife. Several others here on the forum I've never met but I'm pretty sure we'd be good buddies too. (On that note, it's time to get a VJ Russia Forum meetup going!) Anyway, we're all going through something, and maybe what you're going through is exactly what someone else needs to hear. So, that's my little plea to everyone to open up a little more. Don't feel like you have to keep everything private. Share!

OK - Kotenochek, from the limited bit of things you've posted about your husband, he seems like a pretty good guy, and what sounds like is happening is just the lull that naturally occurs once the fire and passion and the "newness" of being together wears off and the daily grind sets in. My wife absolutely HATED me for about a year (OK, more like two years) because she expected all those nice things that I did while we were still in the "warming up" stages to continue indefinitely. I'm telling you, as a man, I'm not going to buy flowers all the time. I'm not going to go out of my way to be romantic, all the time. As a matter of fact, now that we've been married for a while, dare I say, I shouldn't have to. - And that's where the problems start.

See, women expect a man to always be that guy. The guy who they fell in love with, the guy who waited out in the rain for two hours, the guy who held their hair while they puked (bad example, but you get the point) the guy who cared about them and asked them how their day was. That nice, wonderful, loving, adoring guy.

Men, on the other hand, expect that she will be that same girl. That girl who didn't care if he went out with his buddies because they'd catch up later. That girl who didn't care if he wore pants with wrinkles in them. That girl who would "surprise him" while he was driving to dinner. That girl who was fun to be around, who didn't care if he wanted to do his own thing, who didn't really make a big deal about anything except spending time together once in a while.

And what happened?

He turned into the guy who stopped trying. Who was unwilling to go the extra mile. The guy who would rather watch TV than give his wife a massage. She turned into the girl who now, instead of saying, "I'll see you later" said, "You better see me now or else there won't be a later." That funky spontaneity was gone, and everything turned all serious!

Why?

Well, short answer is you went from "dating" (and trying to impress upon each other 100% of your good qualities and mutual interests) to "cohabitating" (living together and sharing every single little itty bitty piece and intricate detail of your entire life) and now there's no more room for 100% to be good. Bad things are a part of life, and they have to be dealt with together.

It's hard to do. Especially in cases like ours where you take two adult people who are accustomed to living totally separate lives and then try to mesh them into one, and do it in a hurry. Usually the cohabitating stage can be prolonged before marriage and serious relationships develop over time. She leaves a toothbrush. He has a drawer. She stays over more and more. Then they decide to be together forever. In our cases, we jump in head first then have to sort out who gets which drawer and where our toothbrushes go.

And it's an ongoing process. My wife and I celebrated our second anniversary with a nice dinner and toasted to getting divorced. We seriously were at that point where we just could not stand each other anymore and both of us were ready to throw in the towel. We actually sat there and told each other how pissed off we'd become and then drank to getting it over with. The weird thing is, that was kind of a release for both of us. Once we took that stress off each other, and started doing our own thing, it started working out pretty good. Right now, she's in Florida with a buddy of hers and I'm here at home. Why? Because that's what she wanted to do and I'm glad she's doing something to make herself happy. When she makes herself hapy... I DON'T HAVE TO!!!! When the obligation is gone, and you're free to enjoy yourself, it's a lot more fun to enjoy together.

Men and women are different. The person you married isn't exactly who you thought they'd be, but you do like each other. If you take the stress off of trying to make it work, and just let it naturally work itself out, it will. There are going to be rough spots and things that don't seem all that great, but if you do your own thing and make yourself happy through them, then your partner is free to do so as well. You can't make your partner happy when you're not happy yourself. And really, it's not your job to make your partner happy, it's their job to be happy together with you. If they're not, you can work on it together, but really, it's up to them. Trying to "make them happy" will not only NOT make them happy, but it won't make you happy either. Make yourself happy, and your partner will most likely be happier with you having done so.

There's an interesting video out there, maybe you should watch it. The guy pretty much sums up the interesting dynamic of the difference between what's going on in our brains. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuMZ73mT5zM Watch that video, and see if what's going on in your relationship is really as serious as you think it may be. Or is he just in his "nothing box?"

Keep the stories coming, keep posting them, and everyone, come on! Don't make VJ just about paperwork. The most important part of our Journeys is after the visa!

Really good, insightful post, Slim! You're always so helpful!

[WalkonWildSide 0]

Interesting that you chalk it up to stress and a new environment. I travel for business quite a bit (less right now obviously), and have never had that problem. Makes sense though.

Everyone is different. I am just relating my personal experiences. The new classes will help tremendously. First, she will be on a similar schedule as you. Second, she will be out of the house making new friends. If the only issue is a little talking in her sleep, at least it is something you can work around.

[Brad and Vika 129]

Interesting that you chalk it up to stress and a new environment. I travel for business quite a bit (less right now obviously), and have never had that problem. Makes sense though.

Everyone is different. I am just relating my personal experiences. The new classes will help tremendously. First, she will be on a similar schedule as you. Second, she will be out of the house making new friends. If the only issue is a little talking in her sleep, at least it is something you can work around.

Absolutely! In the big picture, that has got to be a very small problem. I think that thought is what I was trying to convey in my earlier post - we mostly fight about stupid stuff like sleep and (salty, stinky, fishy) food. I really appreciate you sharing your experiences.

[slim 1,514]

I am definitely the light sleeper here. Also, VIka came from an environment where people live much closer, and apparently learned to sleep through a pretty constant racket -

One thing that was nice about growing up in an urban area is I've become accustomed to sleeping through sirens, gunshots, yelling, etc. My Air Force training helped immensely too. Nothing like catching a combat nap while F-15s are taking off. Afterburners? No problem!

And by the way when she eventually starts shouting in English, then you will know she is assimilated into American life.

Slim: Sometimes a woman and man start arguing about little things and then...

(cue watermelon exploding)

Slim: <<some pearl of wisdom>>

hey if your rich uncle wants to fund a project...I have a business idea or two that needs some startup capital.

The scary thing is my wife tore up a Mt. Dew can right after that. We still have it sitting here on a shelf. I thought she was missing because the can wasn't moving but when we went down to check it there was a nice group of holes right through the center. She's been through an Appleseed (www.appleseedinfo.org) and is going to another in three weeks. I'll probably let her shoot the Tannerite-filled watermelon next time.

Talk about stress relief!

Ok Guys,first I want to thank you all for trying to give advices:)))You are the best!!!

I am sorry to be away for a while had to work on a relationship...

So .I took all of your advices and started very aggressively search for a job.I asked all people I know to help me...Tomorrow I already have an interview..Hopefully something will come out of this...

I think if I have my full time job and always gone,he will realize what he is missing on and time we spend together will turn into a quality time...

I didn't realize you weren't working (or at least not working full time.) That explains a lot right there. The whole issue is probably just that you were ALWAYS there! Not that he dislikes you at all, he probably just needs a break. And like you said, once you're gone, he'll be missing you!

Slim,you are right my husband is a great guy,I just guess this is a 2 year crisis....Just got to live through this and see how it goes...

I also agree with all stuff you wrote there...It is all true!!!!I wish government made it easier on couples to give them more dating time before marriage.It is just crazy to get married within 90 days!

Two years is make it or break it. The newness has worn off, the everyday grind is in full-effect, and there's no end in sight! That puts a strain on the relationship, big time! But, the good news is as long as you two keep yourselves happy, miss each other in the process, you'll be just fine.

I too wish they'd allow more than 90 days. But, I don't know, maybe it's a good thing because if it was 180, there's no way I'd be married right now!

P>S> never meant to say American guys are bad...Just trying to figure out His(AMERICAN) mentality ))

If I had a dollar for every time I heard "American men so stupid." I'd be a millionaire. But, I've also heard, "Men so stupid and primitive." many times as well so I know it's not a nationality thing, it's cross-cultural. When my wife first got here she was shocked that American men were so rude. No one would hold the door for her or extend a hand to help her off the bus, offer to carry her bags, help load groceries. Oh wait, that was her husband!

[eekee 182]

^I have to say, that's one of my favorite things about Russia: men magically appear to carry heavy things for you.

[Chuckles 0]

Agreed about Russian men being very helpful and curtious tword women, and not just their wives.

However, for the most part, if American men tried that with many American women, they would get cold stares and nasty comments about minding their own business. I'm not a hater, just my observations.

[eekee 182]

Agreed about Russian men being very helpful and curtious tword women, and not just their wives.

However, for the most part, if American men tried that with many American women, they would get cold stares and nasty comments about minding their own business. I'm not a hater, just my observations.

Are you sure? I think the pull of laziness would outweigh any kind of "omg but I'm a FEMINIST" reaction.

[WalkonWildSide 0]

Oh ya, I got caught on the whole, why don't you offer me a hand when I get off the bus? Well because there is three feet of snow on the ground, I don't know how to walk on snow and ice, you should be helping me. <roll eyes>

I have told her never to call me stupid. I already know I am stupid I am planning on marrying you ain't I? No need to remind me.

[eekee 182]

Well, to a Russian women if you don't do those things, it's really a sign of disrespect. Like if I saw a girl on the street in Russia with her boyfriend or husband and he wasn't carrying her heavy things or whatever, I would think, "Oh, there is some kind of problem in their relationship/he's an @$$hole" etc. It's not just manners; it's also how everyone else on the street will perceive you.

[WalkonWildSide 0]

It's not just manners; it's also how everyone else on the street will perceive you.

[eekee 182]

^Where are those from? Englishrussia.com?

[slim 1,514]

Are you sure? I think the pull of laziness would outweigh any kind of "omg but I'm a FEMINIST" reaction.

Yeah, you would think that (PJs and UGGS came from somewhere, right?) but for some reason most AWs think when a dude is offering to help them, he's offering (as Chris Rock said) to "help them with some d--k." And they're probably right, but at least RWs have the balls to accept help without feeling obligated to do something in return.

I spent the first several months my wife was here trying to explain how women have given up their own right to femininity by being feminist. Further, in demanding "equal" treatment they've guaranteed they can no longer be afforded "lady" treatment because of it. Not publicly, anyway, and that's where AMs have been conditioned, over time, to only offer to help if they're indeed offering to help with some d--k.

Kind of defeats the whole purpose of the system, no?