Adjustment to the United States

[Mrs. Smith 0]

Hey you guys,

I've been gone for awhile, but another Vjr told me to get on and share my "adjustment" story.

As most of you know, my relationship has been a constant battle. Going back to the yardie thread part 1 or 2 ?

I met Craig on my 20th time to Jamaica, so I knew the island, the culture, the people, the food, etc etc. way before I met him. I've stayed at both hotels and then at his (moms house). I know how both sides live there, that was never an issue.

It took a couple of trips for our relationship to blossom, because I had seen it all. Craig was different than any of the Jamaican man that I knew (and known) and met over the years. He was kind, considerate, affectionate, smoked but never in front of my son. I only found out later (after he moved here and was honest about it) just *how much* he smoked. We talked everyday, sometimes a couple of times a day. I went there every other month for a year, with and without my son (whom he met 1st and my son introduced us). I extended our petition 4x because I wasn't ready and I felt he wasn't ready either. We even took a 6 month break in between. Something was just different about him than any other man I had met, ever.

I had little red flags, but what relationship doesn't. Now since I was going through this back with some of the "veterans", we really didn't have much experience to bounce things off of each other like we can today. When he basically got denied for failing his medical (although didn't make it to the embassy, hence paying off someone at the lab), that was huge for me! "I" was the one that got interviewed, not Craig.

I've said it a million times, Craig has changed since coming here. He's not the same person that I met and he says that to me all of the time. He knows that he's become "ugly", but never does anything about it to improve himself and make a better life. He's miserable and wants to make everyone around him miserable.

I have a client that works for immigration in Baltimore, so Craig has been working since the 3rd week of him stepping into the US. Craig NEVER ever puts towards anything in bills. I've taken money out of his account, without him knowing it because asking (or demanding) it never gets us anywhere.

I've sat down with him time and time again and gone over the bills, bank accounts, money, groceries, school, work, pets, etc etc etc a million times, but he STILL doesn't get it !!! He's overdrawn his bank account about 20-30x now!!

I found out about another farrin women (he failed to mention about before he came here) about the 3rd week he got here....and he tried to hide the relationship. We've been through the other womens phone numbers, smoking, emotional affair, physical ####### (lead to his arrest, 22 weeks of anger management, I kicked him out), I mean everything you can imagine .....we've been through.

I stupidly allowed him to come back the middle of October because I truly saw a little bit of a better change in him. I had a trip already planned to Jamaica with my son, he whined so much that he ended up going too. He was out of control there, smoked and drank to embarrass himself and me in front of Managers and staff at the hotel, my friends and his cousin.........we are now SOOOO DONE !!! We haven't slept in the same bed since the week before that trip, we are not affectionate with each other, we talk...but it's on a "friendship" level.

He just WILL NOT LEAVE THIS HOUSE ! I've been nice, I've been a bee-atch, I've been patient, understanding, compassionate, helpful and compromised the heck out of everything, but it's just not working!!! I do NOT love him anymore, I do care about what happens to him, but there's no love between us. He says he loves me all the time, but he truly doesn't know what it means to be in a marriage or faithful and honest relationship and I'm done trying to teach him.

We've been together for 4 years, married for 2. I told him that I will not file the ROC come November. I want a divorce...but...that just all leads to another battle, threats of suing me, etc etc. My son and I BOTH want him gone, but .....like I said, he will not leave !!

I'm very close to Craig's mom, she knows everything that's been going on (so do some relatives now), but the way I feel about Craig will never ever change the way I feel about Jamaica and the island, vibe, etc etc etc !!!

Craig has sucked the life out of me, it's affecting my relationship with my son. I just got back from the Dominican Republic Friday night for a travel agent trip and I had THE BEST time of my life. I truly needed it. I danced, laughed, sang, just everything to enjoy being me and to not have that feeling of someone of making me feel guilty for being ME, was really and truly nice !!

As everyone that knows me knows that I'm never ever ever afraid to discuss my relationship on here or behind closed doors, ever. I've made some wonderful relationships with women on here that I treasure everyday because they've been my rock and you know who you are !!!

He's now in Philly, I think .....didn't really tell me where he was actually heading to or when he'll get back, but DA&N is it NICE to be in my home QUIET AGAIN !!! and have me and my son laughing and enjoying each others company without feeling guilty for being his mother !

Take care everyone, I'm never on here anymore, but I'm here .... if anyone needs to vent, talk to...'kay?!

Love,

Kelly

KElly.

Thank you sooooooooooooo much for sharing your story............................

[justucia 0]

luvtravlin~

holy sh*t, thanks for being so honest and sharing your experiences

sending you much love and light

I had THE BEST time of my life. I truly needed it. I danced, laughed, sang, just everything to enjoy being me and to not have that feeling of someone of making me feel guilty for being ME, was really and truly nice !!

that made me smile, enjoy you

"I’m gonna love myself. More than anyone else. I’m gonna treat me right ..."

-tracy chapman

[*JG* 2]

Since someone brought up the puff puff.....I will go there. That is my biggest issue with my husband to this point. I know he did it in JA and he functioned well on JA pace. Here, it's much more expensive. When we could afford it less, he was fine with little. As we dug out of debt and he started making more, he increased. Somewhere along the line it got to every day. Recently, I've found him lighting up before work, after work, taking it to work, before driving the car, in the car, around the kids, etc. The tom foolery that has occured with the car has made me see red. We were in tremendous debt....just now dug our way out....that car is the biggest thing we own at this point. He treats it like it's disposable and we can snap our fingers and go out to buy another. Anyhow, it's all taken a toll lately. All he says is he knows how to handle himself. Can't get it through to him that this is not JA. That drug laws are strict and he's risking everything, including losing his job.

The concept of monthly bills.....he's been here nearly 3 years, been working over 2. Still thinks when he gets paid, we get to spend freely. No concept of monthly bills at all. I've tried so hard. Funniest thing lately was talking about him saving for a car for himself. Can't get the idea of insurance, personal property taxes, and actually putting gas into it into his head.

Family and friends calling asking for money........Continues on a very regular basis. Not only are they not doing a damn thing to help themselves, they are continually adding to the household with stupid lapses of judgement.

JG D likes him some puff puff too but he hasn't been able to get any because we are so far behind in bills and debt. Now that you've posted this I wonder what will happen once money is no longer an issue. I really don't have a problem with an occasional hit. The job he has gotten as a security guard will require checks and all I can do is remind him of the dangers.

It really is a shame. Sometimes I think back on my past relationships. Those guys were never good for me - meaning they didn't honor me or treat me respectfully however; we didn't have issues with them knowing basic laws and sticking to them. Now, I get all the love, nurturing, romance, and respect (except for the hanging out). But, I have to teach him stuff everyday. Sometimes I just get tired and really miss being single when I could just pull out my toys and nurture myself

JG; you have a message

That is my biigest fear, is getting brought down, I have struggled so hard to keep us a float, and feel I don't get the apprecitatin for it, cause he doesn't see how hard it is to keep the ball going....

I agree, that was one of my biggest fears too. He felt like I should co-sign for things for him if needed becuase he was my "HUSBAND"

I tried to explain to him about getting too far ahead of ourselves credit wise, and how it's not good to be stretched out like that.. Besides it took me a really really long time to get to where I have A-1 credit and I'm not trying to lose it..

D really prides himself on opening bills and worries over them with me. Sometimes I thank God for the debt we're in because he is learning just how expensive things are and how money in U.S don't grow on trees. He has done some catering a few times and when I tell you that man can hold a dime until it shines!! I'm like how the hell do you keep $20 so long. He will only buy clothes or stuff that are inexpensive. He loves the thrift stores like me and we like doing this when we get some free cash. Again, until money gets better for us, I can't speak for certainty about how it will be. Of course, he tells me he will always be careful with money and only time will tell.

Wakey...

I wish you luck. He couldn't get any either. First couldn't find it. Then, the cost. He was happy with $40 every couple of weeks once we figured it out. Now, well, I think it's out of control.

[*JG* 2]

My turn

As many if you know my BIGGEST issue was my MIL..ooohh yeaa my MIL. Kashi felt he was doing her injustice or being disrespectful if he didn't listen to his mother. Before coming here that woman and I lived the way MIL and DIL should..see her every weekend or every other, asks me to do something I do (she neva have nuttin fi offa, unless she cook when I went there) thats just reality not talking down about her.

You all know the story of the night Kashi came..that's where she started hating me for what I don't know as she thought she had to be nice to me cause I am "filing" for her son...umm lady you do not know your son..u left when he was how old?? She plays on him cause she knew he was dedicated to her. I dear not tell him his mother is EVIL.And u'll not I wouldn't be kimmy if i didn't and of course him get upset but OH DYAM WELL a di truth.

My husband was not used to a woman taking care of him no matter house short the time, not used a woman actually showing him emotions. He was used to living with something that asked questions, make statements, spoke her mind. He had a hard time with the dif laws here.

When we were good we were good,..but when it's bad we avoid eahc other for like a day. Another issue was making him realize he HAD to take of HOME 1st before nuttin go a JA. Not saying the girls do not deserve but how can he provide for them when he can't provide here? mek no sense. As we would argue I learned to LET him make his mistakes until u know, not by any work of mine hea realize what his mother was doing and he was disgusted..they didn't speak for months. We still had our tiffs but not like before. I would say one thing and he takes it total negative when I absolutely didn'tmean it in that context. But when u grew up defending urself how do u just stop over nite..u don't just time..

Kashi is a great provider he doesn't hand over his paycheck I wouldn't want him to he still needs to be a man..so he has dedicated bills he has to take care of..if for some reason his hrs were short 1 wk we back up each other that way. I have no question about his love it was about his teachings growing up. The things most see in JA is miniscule compared to living in a 1st world country. I takes alot of PATIENCE which i was ready to give b/c I have seen alot of it..even growing up with my family..I know no one who has had a interracial relationship in my family..so it's not cause of Black or White. My hsuband is sweet as pie and sometimes i look back and say "u know i didn't have to contribute to his attitude" so i'm learning he's learning and today I can say we are in such a fantastic place it makes me laugh about the past. Hubby smokes but it no bodda me, when it becomes a problem den all hell ago bruk lose !

To those that have a perfect marriage home and all....it's nice to hear..sometimes we have to look into ourselves and ask..is it perfect or did I compromise myself so much it SEEMS to be fabulous..

And I'm not knocking just chatting..cause my relationship sound to ..hehee

MIL another big problem for me. I got so frustrated with that whole scene, I had to stop even thinking about it.

[*JG* 2]

Kelly, I e-mailed you.

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

Hey Kelly, thanks for sharing that..

I have several friends in the same situation the "smoking" is a big issue. One of them her husband has not been able to get a job because he has failed all the urine drug screen and all he says to her is "if he was in Jamaica, you jus fling a few dollahs"...well, you not in Jamaica.

[nannygirl82 0]

Well a little update on my situation. Mike and I are divorced. He signed the papers in January and became official on the 5th. Of course he won't go away. Still calls and texts me blah blah blah....gave me another special gift that will be with me forver. I tested positive for HPV have to get biopsy's done end of this month. He came clean and told me that he cheated on me 2 weeks after out interview in JA and 2 weeks before he came to the states with ZERO protection. Has not been to see his daughter, he talks a good game but that is about it. I thought we could be friends but that is NOT happening at all, he started to go back to the same abusive ways, telling me everything is my fault and other not so nice things. Needless to say this is NOT the way I expected it to be ever, but like Kelly said (luvstravlin) he changed right after he got here. Thought things would get better after I found out I was preggo but it got worse, to the point where I had to call the police because he went after our dog with a screwdriver.

He says he wantst to stay in the states and I say that is fine but he needs to do ROC by himself and I am not helping with that anymore.

[Islandwoman 0]

Hey Kelly, thanks for sharing that..

I have several friends in the same situation the "smoking" is a big issue. One of them her husband has not been able to get a job because he has failed all the urine drug screen and all he says to her is "if he was in Jamaica, you jus fling a few dollahs"...well, you not in Jamaica.

Ugh...I'm having trouble with that attitude.... do it right the first time and not worry about cleaning up the mess after....

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

Well a little update on my situation. Mike and I are divorced. He signed the papers in January and became official on the 5th. Of course he won't go away. Still calls and texts me blah blah blah....gave me another special gift that will be with me forver. I tested positive for HPV have to get biopsy's done end of this month. He came clean and told me that he cheated on me 2 weeks after out interview in JA and 2 weeks before he came to the states with ZERO protection. Has not been to see his daughter, he talks a good game but that is about it. I thought we could be friends but that is NOT happening at all, he started to go back to the same abusive ways, telling me everything is my fault and other not so nice things. Needless to say this is NOT the way I expected it to be ever, but like Kelly said (luvstravlin) he changed right after he got here. Thought things would get better after I found out I was preggo but it got worse, to the point where I had to call the police because he went after our dog with a screwdriver.

He says he wantst to stay in the states and I say that is fine but he needs to do ROC by himself and I am not helping with that anymore.

OMG...my heart just dropped. I'm so sorry. My friend is in the same situation and she's pregnant with his twins. Her (SOON) to be EX had the nerve to ask if she was still going to file for his 4 kids and his mother. No protection, putting my life in DANGER, I would F'kin lose my mind, I'm sorry, but I have NO, NONE TOLERANCE for cheating...some people say work it out and it's great if you can, but me, I CAN'T DO IT, I just can't...forgive you, MAYBE, but forgetting what you did to me is another thing! My girl, I'm so sorry.

Kelly like you said...some of them they just "DON'T F'kin (added) GET IT!

[luvtravlin 0]

Hey Kelly, thanks for sharing that..

I have several friends in the same situation the "smoking" is a big issue. One of them her husband has not been able to get a job because he has failed all the urine drug screen and all he says to her is "if he was in Jamaica, you jus fling a few dollahs"...well, you not in Jamaica.

Ugh...I'm having trouble with that attitude.... do it right the first time and not worry about cleaning up the mess after....

And unfortunately the "attitude" WILL NEVER EVER GO AWAY !!!! When he gets here and doesn't get his "way", doesn't have a job for months and months, doesn't have money in his own pocket (and I'm not supposed to be the ATM, especially if he's working), there's going to be major attitude. It's always all about them and NOT his wife and/or HER children!!!!

Gosh, just thinking back to all of the constant "promises" Craig made to be such a supporting husband, both mentally and physically. That he couldn't wait to work hard.... to support his wife, helping around the house, with Austin, and the list goes on and on. He hates that I have to work a 2nd job, but....he's done nothing about that to change it ! I have yet to see "promises" fulfilled to any of that. Him doing the dishes once a week or taking out the trash once a week is his way of helping!!!! Yeah right...

The smoking was never really a huge issue till he moved back in. He probably did it more when he was not living in this house for 9 months, but forgot that it's unacceptable. We talked about the smoking prior to him coming here, till I was blue in the face and he "understood" that it was not going to happen in the house, especially with Austin here. Austin has seen him get high numerous times and Craig tries to deny it !

It's really and truly frustrating for all of us that have our men here and the ones whose relationships don't (or didn't) work out...and I know personally of 9 of them in this past year. What we put out for these guys ...in time, energy and money ....thinking (hoping and praying) that this will be forever....yeah....not happenin !!!

If ANY of your men have any cousins and/or friends here already, or actually they don't have to be here -it's just what they hear and see on TV, good luck with that. You can talk about everyting until your blue in the face, they won't truly truly get it until they feel and see it for themselves. Then when they get here, they'll get the phone call from a "friend" or cousin that says, no mon....it's not like this or that and then there's where the arguments start. YOU are constantly competing with what eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeveryone else puts into their head!!!!!!

I've said it before and I'll say it again ....you are basically training an "adult" ....i.e. babysitting. You can deny it all you want, but it's true. You are molding a person to fit into the "US" rules & regulations and that entire scenario brings constant battles and arguments!!!

[SupportOAFJF 0]

Nanny that is absolutely crazy...ur a bigger woman than me

[sus 70]

Kelly, we have talked many times in the past - You are a stronger woman than I am, because I would be in jail by now for murder - I hope that all works out the best for you.

Well a little update on my situation. Mike and I are divorced. He signed the papers in January and became official on the 5th. Of course he won't go away. Still calls and texts me blah blah blah....gave me another special gift that will be with me forver. I tested positive for HPV have to get biopsy's done end of this month. He came clean and told me that he cheated on me 2 weeks after out interview in JA and 2 weeks before he came to the states with ZERO protection. Has not been to see his daughter, he talks a good game but that is about it. I thought we could be friends but that is NOT happening at all, he started to go back to the same abusive ways, telling me everything is my fault and other not so nice things. Needless to say this is NOT the way I expected it to be ever, but like Kelly said (luvstravlin) he changed right after he got here. Thought things would get better after I found out I was preggo but it got worse, to the point where I had to call the police because he went after our dog with a screwdriver.

He says he wantst to stay in the states and I say that is fine but he needs to do ROC by himself and I am not helping with that anymore.

Nanny, I am so sorry to hear that - stay strong, and enjoy the blessing of your daughter that came out of this situation - I dealt with the same ####### from my ex - he always talked a good game with our son, but never ever walked the walk - finally, I just stopped answering the calls or reading the texts - it was too hard.

[SupportOAFJF 0]

Wow...I wonder what it really is..cause i'm not judging anyone..but i don't feel i need to talk..b/c it seems i have no issues compared to some...my heart goes out to all u guys..that r having a HORRIBLE time..

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

Nanny that is absolutely crazy...ur a bigger woman than me

she more dan biggah dan mi...cause mi wah find the bloodclatt jail dat ago ole mi aftah u do dat tu mi no sah...fiyah fi fiyah!

[Shemmy 4]

Wow...I wonder what it really is..cause i'm not judging anyone..but i don't feel i need to talk..b/c it seems i have no issues compared to some...my heart goes out to all u guys..that r having a HORRIBLE time..

I agree...this is terrible.

One thing I would to say is that when you post...please post about YOUR experience...try not to say THEY or what others will go through. Everyone experience is different. All Jamaican men should not be painted with the same brush.