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Watch out, Red State!

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Red States, Heed My Warning! by Scott Jacobson September 12, 2008, 12:08 AM

ElectoralMap.jpg

Every election year for the past decade, I have made the same threat: if my preferred candidate does not win, I will pack up my wife and children and three designer schnauzer-poodles and move to Canada. I have always made this threat in a loud tone of voice. I have often made it while standing in line at the Pottery Barn, for the appreciation of like-minded people buying linens. And I have always meant it, Jack.

In 2000, I made it all the way to the Canadian border with family and schnoodles in tow before my wife reminded me I had not packed enough warm sweaters for a life in Canada. Guess you got lucky, America.

In 2004, I actually arrived in Toronto and began the arduous process of starting anew far from the tyranny of a cretinous government in thrall to the backwards priorities of the Christian Right. That time I forgot the family and schnoodles. With some reluctance I doubled back.

As this election season barrels towards its November reckoning, I’ve given much thought to what I will do if America disappoints me yet again and chooses to elect scary Bush/Cheney clones John McCain and Sarah Palin. I believe I’ve hit on an even better solution than uprooting my life and fleeing the country. If Democratic candidate Barack Obama does not win in November, I will organize a massive caravan of sensitive, intelligent liberal voters and forcibly colonize the Red States.

Oh, there will be objections. Some in the Red States will say you cannot just show up someplace you aren’t wanted, stake your claim and proceed to mold the established order of things to your liking. To them I will ####### a quizzical eyebrow, smile indulgently and say, “Oh really? But isn’t that PRECISELY WHAT WE HAVE DONE IN IRAQ, A DISASTROUS WAR YOU DEFEND AND SUPPORT?”

There will probably be other objections, too, but man, I hope that one comes up first.

Step one will be to assemble the caravan. Night and day I will haunt Williams and Sonomas. I will flyer Priuses. I will hide in palm leaf hampers at The Container Store and pop out when I hear someone discussing “Fresh Air with Terry Gross.” I will assemble an army of graduate degree–holding, Good Magazine–subscribing, Kiva-donating, Feist-by-way-of-Starbucks-listening, cruelty-free deodorant–wearing, casually gay, table-scrap composting, Seventh Generation–wiping peace-lovers and together, tongue studs clacking merrily in time to our chants, we will march.

What’s that, flag-waving middle manager in Muskogee with the 48-inch waist and “Bush Country” sticker on his Suburban? You feel self-conscious beside a hard-bodied aspiring actor from the East Village in an athletic-cut American Apparel tee? TOUGH.

I’m sorry, dowdy hausfrau from Charlotte with the Jeff Gordon fixation, sympathy for Sarah Palin, and preference for making love while listening to Il Divo’s “Siempre”—is that whippet-thin, Gucci-clad media C.E.O. annoying you with her iPhone chatter? DEAL WITH IT.

Picture this. The Tondorf family of Canton, Ohio, prepares for a night of family-style dining at their favorite all-you-can-eat smorgasbord. Little Tommy Tondorf pumps the volume on his Nickelback CD to psyche himself up for a sausage feast. Daddy Tondorf pats away lingering meat sweat from his lunch at Carl’s Jr. and dreams of bloody roast beef. Mama Tondorf cinches her billowing sweat pants and salivates quietly.

But when the Tondorfs waddle with clean plates in hand towards the football field–length buffet, they’re in for a surprise. Gone will be the fried okra, mac ’n’ cheese with bacon chunks, and “smashed potatoes.” Nowhere to be found, the cheddar-drizzled meat nachos served on a sweaty kielbasa coil with fried chub medallions or whatever the hell those people eat. In their place: clean, delicious, macrobiotically prepared whole rice dishes, ladled by a sweet-natured vegan named Christopher. And the sundae bar? A stack of Tofutti Cuties.

The Tondorfs will be so freaked they won’t even make it past that “Bless our President” bullcrap while saying grace.

I might as well acknowledge a few more possible objections to my plan: That it denies the humanity of people whose beliefs differ from mine. That it’s short-sighted and facile. An overreaction. Cruel. That it succumbs to the same wedge-driving class paranoia used so effectively by Karl Rove himself. That schnoodles do not travel well and will make life in a Gypsy-style caravan unpleasant (mostly an objection from my wife).

I appreciate these concerns, and will take them into consideration. Of course by “take into consideration,” I mean “ignore while torching a pile of NASCAR memorabilia on your front porch should you choose to elect John McCain.”

Hear me, Red States. Before you pull the lever for the G.O.P. this November, I want you to ask yourselves a question. Can Blue State liberals make your lives a crazy-### hell on earth of ridiculous mind-blowing proportions?

Yes we can.

Now if you’ll excuse me, Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me is on.

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Every election year for the past decade, I have made the same threat: if my preferred candidate does not win, I will pack up my wife and children and three designer schnauzer-poodles and move to Canada.
And why exactly is this a threat?? Seems to me, the bigger threat is if you stay here.

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Every election year for the past decade, I have made the same threat: if my preferred candidate does not win, I will pack up my wife and children and three designer schnauzer-poodles and move to Canada.
And why exactly is this a threat?? Seems to me, the bigger threat is if you stay here.

This was the first paragraph of the article. I think the OP was just posting the contents of the article.


Teaching is the essential profession...the one that makes ALL other professions possible - David Haselkorn

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I got a good :rofl: from

In 2004, I actually arrived in Toronto and began the arduous process of starting anew far from the tyranny of a cretinous government in thrall to the backwards priorities of the Christian Right. That time I forgot the family and schnoodles. With some reluctance I doubled back.

2005/07/10 I-129F filed for Pras

2005/11/07 I-129F approved, forwarded to NVC--to Chennai Consulate 2005/11/14

2005/12/02 Packet-3 received from Chennai

2005/12/21 Visa Interview Date

2006/04/04 Pras' entry into US at DTW

2006/04/15 Church Wedding at Novi (Detroit suburb), MI

2006/05/01 AOS Packet (I-485/I-131/I-765) filed at Chicago

2006/08/23 AP and EAD approved. Two down, 1.5 to go

2006/10/13 Pras' I-485 interview--APPROVED!

2006/10/27 Pras' conditional GC arrives -- .5 to go (2 yrs to Conditions Removal)

2008/07/21 I-751 (conditions removal) filed

2008/08/22 I-751 biometrics completed

2009/06/18 I-751 approved

2009/07/03 10-year GC received; last 0.5 done!

2009/07/23 Pras files N-400

2009/11/16 My 46TH birthday, Pras N-400 approved

2010/03/18 Pras' swear-in

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As long as the LORD's beside me, I don't care if this road ever ends.

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