Does jealousy vary across cultures?

[morocco4ever 63]

First off I might get slammed for this, but to respect your fiance I think it would be wise to avoid this other person. You weren't married to him, nor do you have children with him. There is no logical reason for you and him to run in to each other. If your brother insists on bringing him to family functions then just bow out. He is not blood, so why is he going to family functions? If that was my situation my respect for my husband weighs much more than this other yahoo. As far as what you owe him, that is all. You have been faithful, and he needs to trust in that.

Jealousy is normal to an extent. He has gone over that boundary when he brings it up and degrades you. My husband and I choose not to go over details of previous relationships. He knows some and I know some. I could see it bothered him more than me so I knew it was time to shut up. You already crossed that line so you pretty much have 2 choices IMO.

One, you can cut your losses and move on.

Two, you can tell him that this has become a big enough issue that you are seriously reconsidering the marriage. I am not sure if this is possible, but if you can delay the petition and tell him that you are giving it some time to see if he can learn to deal with it better? And honey, I am talking about a lot of time. I can see he is immature, and there is a strong chance he is going to try to behave for awhile, but if he remains immature, given time, he will crack. If he really sees that his behaviour is unaceptable he will accept the time you need and will learn.

I must be honest, I don't think he will "pass the test". But it is better than jumping in knowing these serious flaws just to lead to a nasty divorce. You need to think seriously about this.

I can't imagine being in any relationship where I had to skip family functions because a friend of the family might be there. I don't make cultural allowances for abuse. Who cares if jealousy is different in MENA? ** it then. You're American. Exercise your culture-given right to be respected. I don't even understand why some of you would be in a relationship where you couldn't tell the truth about your past if asked about it. What makes some of you feel so badly about yourselves that you're willing to put up with a guy cussing you out for having a past? I've been there and I got right with myself. If a man talked to me like that again, I'd walk. IMMEDIATELY. You don't go through that twice, believe.

Confuseddd, for the record, I know I've said some men change, but really it's rare as helll. So are you getting out of this relationship yet?? I just want happiness for you!

Apparently I'm feeling like speaking my mind today, sorry.

I'm not saying all MENA men are abusive; I'm saying being from MENA does not excuse being abusive.

Who said this had anything to do with the MENA cultural? This is my personal belief. If my family will continue to insult me by chosing someone I had a past relationship with over my presence then I would bow out because:

1 I would not be confortable

2 It shows a disrespect to my current relationship

But I do believe some people are so busy fighting over principle they tend to forget who their priorities should be.

BTW, to confused, I didn't say I believe he will change, I said I doubt he will change.

[confuseddd 0]

I don't know why her brother should tell his best friend he is not allowed to come over anymore when the OP and her husband are there. If it were just an acquaintance, okay maybe. But this is his seemingly life long best friend. If her fiance can't get a grip of his jealousy, and cannot trust her, then he seriously has a problem with his maturity. I can understand feeling that jealousy inside. We've all felt jealousy to some degree in our lives. But to abuse someone he supposidely loves over it? That's taking it too far.

Whatever happened to trust?

Edited May 25, 2008 by confuseddd

[morocco4ever 63]

I don't know why her brother should tell his best friend he is not allowed to come over anymore when the OP and her husband are there. If it were just an acquaintance, okay maybe. But this is his seemingly life long best friend. If her fiance can't get a grip of his jealousy, and cannot trust her, then he seriously has a problem with his maturity. I can understand feeling that jealousy inside. We've all felt jealousy to some degree in our lives. But to abuse someone he supposidely loves over it? That's taking it too far.

Whatever happened to trust?

If your husbands family had your spouses ex at all of the family parties how would you feel? If they hadn't had an encounter it would be different. Its like a slap in the face to me. Again, principle over the people you care about? I hope my husband would respect me over something as stupid as that.

[confuseddd 0]

If your husbands family had your spouses ex at all of the family parties how would you feel? If they hadn't had an encounter it would be different. Its like a slap in the face to me. Again, principle over the people you care about? I hope my husband would respect me over something as stupid as that.

I wouldn't like it either. I didn't say anywhere in my post that he has no right to be jealous over it. But its all in how he handles that jealousy. Maturity level. He is verbally abusive to her over it! What about his principles? I certainly wouldn't abuse my husband the way that mine has (and apparently the OP's has) no way, no how, ever, never in my lifetime. Its not in my nature and I didn't deserve it. I never even had an ex at a family/friend gathering yet I was abused anyway because of jealousy!

[morocco4ever 63]

If your husbands family had your spouses ex at all of the family parties how would you feel? If they hadn't had an encounter it would be different. Its like a slap in the face to me. Again, principle over the people you care about? I hope my husband would respect me over something as stupid as that.

I wouldn't like it either. I didn't say anywhere in my post that he has no right to be jealous over it. But its all in how he handles that jealousy. Maturity level. He is verbally abusive to her over it! What about his principles? I certainly wouldn't abuse my husband the way that mine has (and apparently the OP's has) no way, no how, ever, never in my lifetime. Its not in my nature and I didn't deserve it. I never even had an ex at a family/friend gathering yet I was abused anyway because of jealousy!

If you re read my original post the only disagreement I had was being around the ex, there are not kids, no reason for any communication. As for his jealousy it is over and above normal, and she should not jump into this relationship. I highly doubt he will change. I would NEVER marry him.

[*JG* 2]

My ex comes to family functions all the time. He helped us move our new bed in last weekend. We've borrowed money from him. Dealing with ex's is all about maturity level and learning how to deal so everyone is comfortable.

I do believe everyone letting the man think you are some lilly white virgin bride is going to backfire in the end. Having to watch every single word I ever said or my family or friends ever say for the rest of my married life would be too stressful for me.

[KandD 1]

My ex comes to family functions all the time. He helped us move our new bed in last weekend. We've borrowed money from him. Dealing with ex's is all about maturity level and learning how to deal so everyone is comfortable.

I do believe everyone letting the man think you are some lilly white virgin bride is going to backfire in the end. Having to watch every single word I ever said or my family or friends ever say for the rest of my married life would be too stressful for me.

Agreed

[morocco4ever 63]

My ex comes to family functions all the time. He helped us move our new bed in last weekend. We've borrowed money from him. Dealing with ex's is all about maturity level and learning how to deal so everyone is comfortable.

I do believe everyone letting the man think you are some lilly white virgin bride is going to backfire in the end. Having to watch every single word I ever said or my family or friends ever say for the rest of my married life would be too stressful for me.

I think it is great that you and your husband have this kind of trust and agreement. And yes, this is a maturity level. I would bet you have kids together, am I right? But I am curious. If he felt uncomfortable with him around how would you deal with it?

[Caladan 19]

he has even called me degrading names and said very disrespectful things.

What's disturbing is that he calls you names and says very disrespectful things. On the surface, I would say that he is immature and insecure. These situations don't tend to get better. In fact, they tend to become increasingly worse. To answer your original question. No! I have not seen or dealt with anything like this since high school and college, and as you can tell, I did not marry any of those women. Enough written...

I have to agree. Look, maybe his response to the OP's past is cultural. But so what? He's exotic and foreign, so he gets a pass on behaving unacceptably? Please.

[KandD 1]

Well, I'll tell you, I have been on the otherside of this story where my ex's new wife was jealous of me. When i called the house to discuss our child's education or medical she would not let him know i called . He was not allowed to talk to me peroid. He wasnt even allowed to come to my daughter's graduation party that my family had for her in which we invited both of them. We had been divorce a long time (like 5yrs) before he remarried and had always gotten along very well. We still get along well when she is not around. This immaturity is not good if children are involved and it will backfire. The children will not respect this person. I dont think the OP has any children thank goodness for that.

[Caladan 19]

My ex comes to family functions all the time. He helped us move our new bed in last weekend. We've borrowed money from him. Dealing with ex's is all about maturity level and learning how to deal so everyone is comfortable.

I do believe everyone letting the man think you are some lilly white virgin bride is going to backfire in the end. Having to watch every single word I ever said or my family or friends ever say for the rest of my married life would be too stressful for me.

I think it is great that you and your husband have this kind of trust and agreement. And yes, this is a maturity level. I would bet you have kids together, am I right? But I am curious. If he felt uncomfortable with him around how would you deal with it?

There's surely a difference between balancing old friends and a married relationship and what's going on in the cases here. Everyone has to negotiate past relationships and friends and family, and I think it's not common for couples to find their relationships with old friends changes once married because of the priority the marriage has to take.

That's a far cry from 'never go to family functions because some one you dated years and years ago is friends with the family.' That's not a negotiation, that's an order. And it's unreasonable. What're the cases here going to do, wake up one day realizing she hasn't seen her friends and family for five years because her husband calls them whores and verbally abuses her? (Not to mention, if he has so little respect for her, why is he marrying her?)

But to be honest, if C. had been jealous like that, it would have been a deal-breaker. I don't have a long or terribly interesting dating history, but all of the men I've dated I am currently friends with. (Three of them were at our wedding, two of them married to other friends now.) I have to work with male colleagues. If that had been too much for C., well, I would have deserved better.

[morocco4ever 63]

I think everyone here is hearing one side of what I said. Do I think this man is okay. Oh he!! no. He has a sick and perverted mind, and I don't think that will change. I don't view her as ready to see this however, so I suggested giving the relationship some time to prove that he will not change.

As far as her brothers friend that goes to family parties. If she is not happy he goes (she didn't say she is happy he is there, but she didn't say she is unhappy), if her brother insists on bringing this friend despite her discomfort (my assumption), then it appears to me that he has chosen his friend over his sister. That is not acceptable in my book.

If it doesn't bother you to be in a family setting surrounded by men you have had sex with then go for it. Me personally I broke up with them, end of story, relationship over, no desire to maintain any thing further. I guess if it was friends with benefits I would feel different, but that is not my personal style. I do, however, agree that if there are children involved the situation is entirely different.

Basically this women needs to look at the differing opinions and see who's values are closest to her own as far as the family parties with the old ex. As for the fiance she needs to take a good hard look at a future with this man.

[Fandango 1,440]

M4E - the way I read it is that the OP doesn't have a probbo w the bro's friend being there....only its a probbo cos the fiance treats her like shiznit cos of the old friend being there.

[KandD 1]

Name calling is abuse, IMOP, once and abuser always an abuser. I would not be marrying someone who is an abuser.

[morocco4ever 63]

M4E - the way I read it is that the OP doesn't have a probbo w the bro's friend being there....only its a probbo cos the fiance treats her like shiznit cos of the old friend being there.

I decided to re read what she said to be sure. She doesn't specify, so basically we are stuck with how we personally would feel. What she said is the she has to be careful. She tries to avoid it because of her fiance, but if she doesn't go it upsets her brother. Why isn't anyone asking her what she wants here? Why doesn't her brother ask her how she feels about this guy being there instead of making it an issue? I wish she would have specified, but until then we have to interpret it how we see it. If she doesn't have an issue being around him then she should not worry about what I said.

As for the fiance, if he was a good man and treated her with the respect she deserves then I would most certainly respect him enough to stay away from this situation rather than hurt him. There are no children involved, and that (in my opinion only) would be the only reason to have an ongoing relationship. I just don't consider my brothers friend enough of a reason to ruin a good relationship. Keep in mind I said a "GOOD" relationship. The fact that he disrespects her during arguments is in itself a giant warning. I view this as 2 different issues.

My husband and I have an agreement on how to handle ex's, and it works for us. No kids, no relationship. No one I really care to have one with anyway, and he feels the same. I do have 4 kids, and if my ex husband and I could discuss their welfare that would be different, and would make me more than happy. He chooses to avoid me to the point of missing 2 of our daughters weddings. Shame really, but his choice, I would never have forced something like that. Interestingly enough his current wife was there and we have a picture of the 2 of us standing next to my daughter. She is good to my kids, and I appreciate it. She is like a second mom.

All in all we see things differently, and hey I am cool with that. We are all entitiled to lead our lives the we we see fit. I am just hoping this nice lady will have enough self confidence to see that she deserves better.