Does jealousy vary across cultures?

[Nagishkaw 510]

Cut your losses and move on. Life is too short .

[Peikko 1,575]

Either your man accepts that you have had relationships in the past and all facets of those relationships or he rejects the idea that a woman can have relationships before marriage and he goes and finds himself a virgin. It is not acceptable to hold these past relationships at your head every time you have a tiff - that is unreasonable behaviour.

[warriorprincess 0]

Hi...I am posting anonymously because this is a pretty personal issue and I'd rather not reveal my identity.

While my fiance and I are very close, for the entire length of our relationship he has had a very serious issue with my past and my exes. He simply cannot accept the sexual intimacy in my past and brings it up every single time we argue about anything, even if it is completely unrelated. We have talked this issue to death but nothing seems to change. I don't know what he expects me to do as this is my PAST and I cannot change it now. At times I feel that he has a very low opinion of me - he has even called me degrading names and said very disrespectful things. Most of the time we are great and are very affectionate, but when it gets like that I start to wonder...what are we doing? He grew up in a culutre where women are expected to remain virgins until marriage (although he lost his virginity at relatively young age).

I am incredibly faithful to him and he knows that, but he cannot let go of my past and I'm starting to worry that he never will.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this?

And you are still with this man because...?????? Forget this loser. Move on. He certainly can't if he has to keep throwing your past in your face all the time. That should be an indication of what he thinks of you. That is NOT love. Get out. Get out NOW while you still can.

[RICHIE07 0]

Cut your losses and move on. Life is too short .

I agree.

No one can change the past.

If his already aware of your past why did he married you anyway.

[KandD 1]

Id be willing to bet he has skeletons in his closet too!!!!!!

[RICHIE07 0]

Id be willing to bet he has skeletons in his closet too!!!!!!

[isleta521 5]

Cut your losses and move on. Life is too short .

Exactly, as others have already said, no one should be treated like that. She should move on and find a man that will treat her with complete respect. This will only get worse. Like a trainwreck in slow motion. Good luck.

[morocco4ever 63]

I think part of it may be cultural if he's from a place where women are expected, as you said, to remain virgins until marriage. Both men and women are expected to do that where my husband is from, and he has told me that when a man and woman decide to marry, they and their families expunge any evidence of past relationships (sexual or not) for the sake of the families' honor and the health of the new marriage. (This is assuming there are no children from the past relationships.)

But he did choose you as you are, knowing that you had a past. It's one thing to ask that you don't bring up the past unless it's absolutely necessary (and kids, if you have them, do make it necessary), that you make sure he doesn't run across pictures and so forth, anything that would be painful for him to see, and that you focus your energies on your present life with him. It's quite another thing to call you degrading names and insult your honor because of a past you can't change. If this is really what he thinks of you, why did he choose you? People who marry people they don't respect have some motivation for doing so, and you might ask yourself what that motivation is.

Thank you everyone for your responses. As you can see, this is something I am struggling with. My fiance is from a country that is culturally similar to where your husband is from, mona_jamie. I suppose when we first met I didn't realize the extreme differences in culture with regards to past relationships and I shared too much information with him. It's strange, because on one hand he absolutely adores me, but this is something that eats him up inisde and I see that whenever we have an argument about something - this issue always bubbles up. I think the thing that upsets him more than anything is that I had a brief relationship with my brother's best friend. I was a teenager and naive and it was very short lived. I suppose I made the mistake of telling my fiance about this when he asked, although I don't know if it is a mistake because I don't want to lie or hide anything. Anyway, he feels that this was very dishonorable and cannot get over it. Especially because my brother is still close with this friend and he lives in the area and I can't help but see him from time to time when my brother invites him to family get-togethers. He knows I can't change that, but he expects me to never be around when this person is with my brother. For the most part, I am not, but I have to be careful because I know it upset my brother a bit that my fiance is so jealous over this old history.

My fiance is not very controlling, in fact, I would say that I am the more dominant and controlling one in the relationship. But, his jealousy and insecurity does lead him to act that way sometimes.

And I do ask him and myself the same question over and over - if this is how you feel, why do you want to marry me? I can see the war that is going on inside himself, he loves me, but can't let this thing go. But, if we are going to have a future together he is going to have to...I just don't know that he will.

My husband is from Morocco, so I think I can speak my mind here. First off, most of the women that go to the MENA board have been married previously. It sounds like you weren't, but had a past either relationship or discretion. He has as well if I remember from your first post.

First off I might get slammed for this, but to respect your fiance I think it would be wise to avoid this other person. You weren't married to him, nor do you have children with him. There is no logical reason for you and him to run in to each other. If your brother insists on bringing him to family functions then just bow out. He is not blood, so why is he going to family functions? If that was my situation my respect for my husband weighs much more than this other yahoo. As far as what you owe him, that is all. You have been faithful, and he needs to trust in that.

Jealousy is normal to an extent. He has gone over that boundary when he brings it up and degrades you. My husband and I choose not to go over details of previous relationships. He knows some and I know some. I could see it bothered him more than me so I knew it was time to shut up. You already crossed that line so you pretty much have 2 choices IMO.

One, you can cut your losses and move on.

Two, you can tell him that this has become a big enough issue that you are seriously reconsidering the marriage. I am not sure if this is possible, but if you can delay the petition and tell him that you are giving it some time to see if he can learn to deal with it better? And honey, I am talking about a lot of time. I can see he is immature, and there is a strong chance he is going to try to behave for awhile, but if he remains immature, given time, he will crack. If he really sees that his behaviour is unaceptable he will accept the time you need and will learn.

I must be honest, I don't think he will "pass the test". But it is better than jumping in knowing these serious flaws just to lead to a nasty divorce. You need to think seriously about this.

[Alex+R 0]

First off I might get slammed for this, but to respect your fiance I think it would be wise to avoid this other person. You weren't married to him, nor do you have children with him. There is no logical reason for you and him to run in to each other. If your brother insists on bringing him to family functions then just bow out. He is not blood, so why is he going to family functions? If that was my situation my respect for my husband weighs much more than this other yahoo. As far as what you owe him, that is all. You have been faithful, and he needs to trust in that.

Jealousy is normal to an extent. He has gone over that boundary when he brings it up and degrades you. My husband and I choose not to go over details of previous relationships. He knows some and I know some. I could see it bothered him more than me so I knew it was time to shut up. You already crossed that line so you pretty much have 2 choices IMO.

One, you can cut your losses and move on.

Two, you can tell him that this has become a big enough issue that you are seriously reconsidering the marriage. I am not sure if this is possible, but if you can delay the petition and tell him that you are giving it some time to see if he can learn to deal with it better? And honey, I am talking about a lot of time. I can see he is immature, and there is a strong chance he is going to try to behave for awhile, but if he remains immature, given time, he will crack. If he really sees that his behaviour is unaceptable he will accept the time you need and will learn.

I must be honest, I don't think he will "pass the test". But it is better than jumping in knowing these serious flaws just to lead to a nasty divorce. You need to think seriously about this.

I can't imagine being in any relationship where I had to skip family functions because a friend of the family might be there. I don't make cultural allowances for abuse. Who cares if jealousy is different in MENA? ** it then. You're American. Exercise your culture-given right to be respected. I don't even understand why some of you would be in a relationship where you couldn't tell the truth about your past if asked about it. What makes some of you feel so badly about yourselves that you're willing to put up with a guy cussing you out for having a past? I've been there and I got right with myself. If a man talked to me like that again, I'd walk. IMMEDIATELY. You don't go through that twice, believe.

Confuseddd, for the record, I know I've said some men change, but really it's rare as helll. So are you getting out of this relationship yet?? I just want happiness for you!

Apparently I'm feeling like speaking my mind today, sorry.

I'm not saying all MENA men are abusive; I'm saying being from MENA does not excuse being abusive.

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

Good to see you posting, Alex

eta: I was just thinking about you and Rey this morning because of this new cablevision ad.

Edited May 25, 2008 by VJ Troll

[Alex+R 0]

you mean IO Digital Cable? With the housewife? it's just not the same.... le sigh

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

No, it's not...

[Alex+R 0]

I think I would think it was awesome if I hadn't seen the reggaeton one before.

Watch a lotta channels, whenever you're able!

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

I think I would think it was awesome if I hadn't seen the reggaeton one before.

Watch a lotta channels, whenever you're able!

yeah my wifes cousin is staying with us till july, he saw it and liked it a lot... i had to show him the reggeaton version (on youtube) to show him why this one actually sucks... but you still remember the # easily....

I don't get what you're saying about the channels.

[confuseddd 0]

Thank you everyone for your responses. As you can see, this is something I am struggling with. My fiance is from a country that is culturally similar to where your husband is from, mona_jamie. I suppose when we first met I didn't realize the extreme differences in culture with regards to past relationships and I shared too much information with him. It's strange, because on one hand he absolutely adores me, but this is something that eats him up inisde and I see that whenever we have an argument about something - this issue always bubbles up. I think the thing that upsets him more than anything is that I had a brief relationship with my brother's best friend. I was a teenager and naive and it was very short lived. I suppose I made the mistake of telling my fiance about this when he asked, although I don't know if it is a mistake because I don't want to lie or hide anything. Anyway, he feels that this was very dishonorable and cannot get over it. Especially because my brother is still close with this friend and he lives in the area and I can't help but see him from time to time when my brother invites him to family get-togethers. He knows I can't change that, but he expects me to never be around when this person is with my brother. For the most part, I am not, but I have to be careful because I know it upset my brother a bit that my fiance is so jealous over this old history.

My fiance is not very controlling, in fact, I would say that I am the more dominant and controlling one in the relationship. But, his jealousy and insecurity does lead him to act that way sometimes.

And I do ask him and myself the same question over and over - if this is how you feel, why do you want to marry me? I can see the war that is going on inside himself, he loves me, but can't let this thing go. But, if we are going to have a future together he is going to have to...I just don't know that he will.

Again, everything you're typing is exactly what happened to me. Except that I do not speak to the ex men in question anymore and are not family friends. But all of your words otherwise are the same. I too told my husband way more information than I should have. I did it early on and wasn't sure if we were ever going to see each other again anyway. If I would have known he would have had a hissy fit, I would have said I was a virgin! But I didn't, and neither did you. You cannot take back what you said and it will forever be burned into his brain. My husband also loves me to death. But he cannot get over that I've had past sexual relationships and brought it up constantly. Constantly. Your fiance isn't even here yet! If my husband had done it before he got here, you BET your azz I wouldn't have continued on with the visa! Unfortunately, my then fiance, now husband, brought it up maybe two months after he arrived, and it was too late to turn around. Trust me, as a woman who's married to someone that sounds exactly like your fiance, it is NOT going to get better. I know it hurts. I know you think you can change him. But I'm telling you, with men from these cultures, they cannot see their pure angel wives having a sexual past before them. Even if they are not particularly religious, it is burned into their brain from their culture. I'm sorry to hear others go through what I have. I went through this and so much more abuse. Save yourself while you can.

One, you can cut your losses and move on.

Two, you can tell him that this has become a big enough issue that you are seriously reconsidering the marriage. I am not sure if this is possible, but if you can delay the petition and tell him that you are giving it some time to see if he can learn to deal with it better? And honey, I am talking about a lot of time. I can see he is immature, and there is a strong chance he is going to try to behave for awhile, but if he remains immature, given time, he will crack. If he really sees that his behaviour is unaceptable he will accept the time you need and will learn.

I must be honest, I don't think he will "pass the test". But it is better than jumping in knowing these serious flaws just to lead to a nasty divorce. You need to think seriously about this.

I totally disagree that he will learn. I gave my husband lots and lots of time, and he remained immature and passionately jealous.

I can't imagine being in any relationship where I had to skip family functions because a friend of the family might be there. I don't make cultural allowances for abuse. Who cares if jealousy is different in MENA? ** it then. You're American. Exercise your culture-given right to be respected. I don't even understand why some of you would be in a relationship where you couldn't tell the truth about your past if asked about it. What makes some of you feel so badly about yourselves that you're willing to put up with a guy cussing you out for having a past? I've been there and I got right with myself. If a man talked to me like that again, I'd walk. IMMEDIATELY. You don't go through that twice, believe.

Confuseddd, for the record, I know I've said some men change, but really it's rare as helll. So are you getting out of this relationship yet?? I just want happiness for you!

Apparently I'm feeling like speaking my mind today, sorry.

I'm not saying all MENA men are abusive; I'm saying being from MENA does not excuse being abusive.

Alex you are totally correct. I do understand that he would be jealous knowing the other guy would be around (not sure why the OP even told him that part of it) but I do not think he should freak out and abuse her over it.

Yes, Alex, I have. With deep pain and sadness, I finally did it.

To the OP:

What are you going to do when your fiance arrives? Do you have any male friends? You can kiss them goodbye.

If this ex boyfriend is going to be at family functions, you can kiss those goodbye as well. Your husband will likely refuse to go to them (maybe even if the ex isn't even there) And I am sure he will hold hostility towards your brother for being friends with him.

Please don't be afraid to PM me.