Moving away from your children...

[Kammo 2]

After my previous marriage collapsed I made a decision that the children remain with him. It was hard but I knew they could be better cared for as I had only been a stay at home mother (I had no career to speak of, no proper finances to raise them, no home or any real possessions). I didn't want an ugly court battle. I just wanted my little girls to be in a stress free environment and I wanted some remains of a reasonable, workable relationship with my ex. Court battles would have killed that.

Fast forward to my new life. I met my husband, fell in love, remarried, a child... Now for the big step! Awaiting approval to start my life with him.

Only, what about my two great kids who will remain in Canada? Two little princesses I love more than anything!

The guilt and frustration with some of my choices is unbearable at times. Sometimes it feels as though any choice is a bad one. Somehow this must be workable however. I love my husband too much to consider not spending my life with him, and I love my daughters too much to "abandon" them. I will mention in this mess that thankfully my husband lives fairly close to home. Its only about 3-4 hours of travel back and forth, otherwise there is no way I could have ever considered moving. He knew this (so he moved closer to me) . When I visit my husband I call my kids everyday to tell them how much they mean to me. They are still relatively young so they don't hold attention long. Skype helps.

I guess I am writing this today because I am curious who is out there that has/is going through something similar? If I am approved to move to the US I plan to visit my children as often as possible (though I already know it wont be as easy as I'd like it to be, especially once I start work). Perhaps after time my ex-husband will gain some trust and allow my daughters to come to the US for visits. Hard to say on that one. I put myself in his shoes and I think I would be terrified to let my little ones leave Canada, even if it was only for a weekend! Eventually though, I don't think asking him to consider such a thing is unreasonable, right? Until then, I will return home as much as possible...

How do YOU cope? What arrangements have been made, what works and what doesn't?

Sometimes I do worry that I will come to America and feel sad and regretful about my daughters. I want to make sure I have some solid plans on the table to prevent marital strain and for my own mental well-being. When it comes down to it I just want everything to work to the best it can.

Anyone?

Edited February 10, 2011 by Kammo

[NickD 202]

Can only tell you what I went though, asked my wife to marry me in September of 2003, we got married on October of 2004. I knew she would never be happy with me unless she could bring her only daughter with her. That year was spent with huge court cost to get both full physical custody or her daughter and permission from her ex to bring her here. But in our case, her ex already abandoned his daughter six years prior to out meeting. He was using us in a blackmail like situation, what turned him around was having to pay six years of back child support payments with another five years on top of that. And in no way, did her daughter want to live with him.

Your situation is entirely different if your daughters love their dad and he is taking good care of them. This is something you have to discuss with both your ex and kids and attempt to work something out.

Ironically, with six years of no contact between my stepdaughter, when she came here, her dad started calling her at least once a month, when I told her it was her dad, she started crying and ran up to her room, my wife wanted no part of talking with me either. That left in an awkward position to handle him alone. He accused me of separating his daughter from him, all I could say was, take me to court, that he never did. Five years went by of this nonsense until his daughter turned 18, that is when those phone calls stopped.

Just saying, after your kids turn 18, they will have a free choice and all this will be history. But really a though situation to be in.

[Krikit 1,163]

Whatever you are feeling now will be amplified a thousand-fold when you move here. If you are not at peace with it now you are certainly not going to be at peace with it later. And remorse thrown in with guilt is some pretty hefty stuff to be dealing with. Can your husband not move to Canada? I know if my mother left me with my father, then proceeded to have other children who remained with her while I remained with someone else, and then moved to another country, well..... I'd certainly be having lifelong abandonment issues.

I am moving your thread from Off Topic to the Moving Here forum. I know I've seen the periodic leaving-child-behind thread in there. You may want to do a search.

[Kammo 2]

Thanks for the replies. I must say its hard seeing that no body is going through something similar (or maybe they just have not seen this thread). Maybe I am the only one insane enough to consider such a thing? I don't know...

Assuming anyone has or is going through this I would imagine they could have it far worse than me given that I am only a few hours away from my home (I see many immigrating from way across the world).

After my husband (well boyfriend at the time) and I had nearly given up on our relationship thinking we just couldn't make it work (because I couldn't "abandon" my children), he chose to uproot his life and move closer to make this possible. Then came the marriage and surprise pregnancy.

I understand my situation could be worse...

I guess I was just hoping to talk to someone in the same boat.

To answer Krikit

I wanted my husband to move to my country but two issues arose with that...

1) As I mentioned, I have no real career (just my minimum wage job I have worked at for two years). Having been a stay at home mother, life just panned out that way. I'm not complaining, it just is what it is. In order to prove I could support my husband in my country (which I have been informed is a much tricker process), I estimated that I would have had to work 2 full time jobs to satisfy my country that I would support him. At that point I wouldn't be seeing my children much either, plus I would never see my newborn or husband. That would be miserable on a new family. Maybe I could spend a few years and get a career? I did think of that (though of course that would mean a longer wait for our lives to start). Even so... came problem #2...

2) Suppose I did work my butt off to satisfy my country I could support him or even gain a career though time and education (which I was very willing to do)... My husbands career field isn't existent where I am located. We would have had to move quite a ways away in order for him to find work. In that case I would have been moving away regardless.

After many hours of talking, my coming to the US just seemed like the most reasonable of the two.

Edited February 12, 2011 by Kammo

[LaL 418]

This is an older thread but really good, I think, on the subject : Child Left Behind