VAWA based on emotional, mental, economic abuse

[AT20000 33]

Hi there,

Been there also and I am in the same process. My husband & I met in Europe, we fell in love & were together for 3 years before we decided to get married. I had a very good job, making 2X what he was making & he knew he could not afford to be abusive if he wanted to be be with me.

Shortly after I arrived in the US, the honeymoon was over, empowered by my joblessness, he turned himself into the monster he truly is. It began by violent, sudden & inexplicable anger outbursts where he would vomit in geysers from screaming & insulting me. Then it turned into the classical "crazy making/blaming" technique (nahhh you did not understand what I said & it is your fault if I get so angry) and finally it turned physical: shoving me, screaming on top of his lungs 1 inch from my face, chest-bumping me out of his way (he was in the military, almost 7 ft and 250 lbs) threatening me to call USCIS & tell them that our marriage was fake if I was intending to disobey his orders, disagree with him in any way shape or form or refuse to do ANYTHING he ordered me to do (yes anything). I was so exhausted & damaged by walking on eggshells 24/7, that I one day called 911 unbeknownst to him & the operator overheard his threats,his insults, his extreme anger and she sent the police right away. He realized I was online with 911 when I hung up & left the house before the cops arrived, for not being arrested. This made a social worker say that he might have had similar problems in the past (unsurprisingly, I found out later that he also abused his ex-wife whom he also brought from EU). I have left him time to get the psychiatric help he needs, he would promise he would seek help and he won't and kept on abusing me. I have not physical trace but I currently live in the most extreme precarity with my son, the latter remains locked in his room where he takes his meals and only gets out to leave to school; I wear the same worn out clothes & underwear for 4 years; most are falling into shreds from being washed & worn every other day. I haven't seen a dentist for almost 4 years (despite an infection on a crowned tooth) while he HAS dental coverage for himself, electricity or internet are being cut every other month, he accumulates debts, do not pay his bills and I am receiving the threatening phone calls, etc. Since I am unemployed for a long while (Lost my last job because of him) & I have been struggling a lot to find the right info, it has allowed this ordeal to go on for years on end. I did not get WHY people were telling me "seek counselling" or "attend programs" (why would I? HE is the problem!) But it absolutely is what needs to be done! You will get support and gather proofs of your state of abused spouse and some of these associations are offering free consultations with attorneys specialized in DV (who are going to guide you, not turn you down)

I have been where you are & I have believed the same things. And it took me YEARS to find out where to get the accurate info. I have learned the hard way, that people have a preconceived idea of who CAN be victim of DV and in this case, being articulate and educated plays against you (yep!) people would not help you if you are coming from what is considered "rich country" so try to tell your story before you say where you come from. I have learned also that many organizations are here to get subsidies from govt, not to help you (Catholic charities and law schools clinics have been by far the worse among the worse, making me waste a precious time for nothing), that a vast majority of US lawyers are professionally unreliable but extremely good at charging you outrageously! The DV hotline helped me find the way.

While some abusers leave traces, some have learned enough to abuse without leaving physical traces. Immigration courts/officers are fully aware of that and KNOW that abuses are not only physical but can be emotional, mental or economic ALSO. In the latter case you need to gather proofs of the perpetual distress he is putting you through.

So here are, some of what I have learned one can do to support their case and outsmart manipulative abusers (please remain cautious for your own safety. These are only what I have been advised to do. Hence please call the DV hotline, get to a serious association and work out a safety plan with them). Time and documentation abundance and relevance are of essence. The fastest you gather your documents, the fastest you have your case.

1- Journal every single abuse (date hour & circumstances of the event) but store the journal in a safe place (if possible not in your house). It will help you in writing your affidavit.

2- If you can, record a couple of threats, violent outbursts voice mails on your cell phone or on a micro recorder.

3- Go to the public library, use their computers & create a new email account that you will ONLY access from elsewhere than home (not from home nor from a common friends' house as you never know where they stand). IMPORTANT because your online activity can be tracked by your abuser. You can even journal your abuses on this new email address. Do NOT share this email address with anybody.

4- If your abuser could have access to your computer & your email, do not send email from your home email to your new email address and instead subscribe to a free "dropbox" service online from the library and from your new email account. It is a free space where you can drop your documents from one email (your home email) & they can be accessed remotely by another designated user (hence you designate your new email address). Do NOT activate the "remember me" box, do NOT record your password anywhere on the home or library computer, Do NOT let a drop-box icon anywhere on the home or library computer, Store documents, important correspondence on this box and then go to the library ASAP to implement step 5 & 6. DO NOT keep your documents in the drop box for a long time.

5- If your abuser is dumb enough to write anything threatening save the mail in PDF (you can upload a "convert to pdf" software for free on line) & store them temporarily in your "dropbox" (& implement what is next mandatory!).

6-Then access your drop box from the library and from your other email account. Send the documents as joint documents from your new email address to your new email address (yes from you to yourself). Once this is done, erase the documents from the drop box and they are safe; your abuser cannot destroy them. Well he could eventually destroy them from your home computer if he finds the drop-box from your home computer before you transfer them to your other mailbox! If this process is not well understood contact me in private, I'll reexplain.

7- Get informed by calling National Domestic violence hotline (http://www.thehotline.org) or WEAVE http://www.weaveinc.org/ If possible keep all the phone records of your phone calls to them because this also constitutes a proof (10 calls to a DV hotline will show that there actually IS a problem) .

8- Learn what abuse is http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/

9- THOROUGHLY attend a DV program (the hotline will give you the address of the closest ones)

10- THOROUGHLY keep track of your attendance (journal) to these DV sessions

11- Ask this organization to provide a letter stating that you are attending a DV program with the track record of your attendance.

12- Get counseling. Find a therapist, tell them what is going on and have them issue a written testimony evoking your emotional state and the abuses.

13- If you feel overwhelmed and depressed due to abuses, go see your doctor tell them what you are subjected to, have him send you to the ER, get seen by a psychiatrist there or a social worker and KEEP medical records of that.

14- Wait until your abuser is at work and evoke ALL financial and emotional related problems/abuses IN WRITING to them (for example my husband took our common tax return and did not file it with the IRS for 7 months to date, which is a breach in his fiduciary obligations and constitute a financial abuse. I have sent him more than 30 emails-reminders and these will support my case. I have an infection on a tooth and he has refused to provide dental coverage -while he has one- I have sent reminders of that in writing, this is also a proof, etc)

15-DO NOT wait to the last minute to collect documents and proofs, gather them as you go & as soon as you can & store them in a safe place. i.e: Open a bank account at a bank close to your place, Pay the safe deposit box annual fee immediately all at once and give them your OTHER email address (a safe costs about 100$) and like that nothing is sent to your home address or to your usual email address.

16- Collect all family records original documents: marriage certificate, birth certificate, ALL your immigration file, make notarized copies of each single one of them if you cannot keep the original and keep a set of these in 2 different places(i.e at the bank and at a friend's house) like that you minimize the risk that your abuser would grab a hold of them.

17- Make a copy of your abuser's ID

18- GO PAPERLESS, like that there is going to be NO document sent to your place and all your plan will go undetected. Have your new bank send all the documents to your NEW email address and NEVER access this address from home (NEVER EVER)

19- ALWAYS delete your browsing history on your computer.

20- Here is the list of what is requested for WAVA, http://www.nc-van.org/documents/VAWA%20Checklist%20English.pdf , I got this from the Education & Training Program Manager of California Partnership to End Domestic Violence.

I have done most of that and the DV/immigration advocate just told me I have a VERY strong case.

Hope this helps and gives you hope. Take care.

A

[TBoneTX 43,422]

With highest respect for the outstanding post just above, this thread was 2 years old before today, and the OP hasn't logged on to VJ for 3 years. Therefore, the thread is being closed. The last poster is encouraged to save her text and to repeat applicable parts of it when other such threads arise in this forum.