venusfire503

My husband has been accused of a crime that I believe he did not commit. I've never encountered anything like this before, but I do know that sometimes innocent people are convicted. There are so many things on my mind right now. My divorce lawyer said I need to make him leave the house until the matter is resolved or I could lose custody of my kids from my first marriage. I'm trying to reach a lawyer for him, and one for me (for custody). I hope this is resolved quickly, and that he is found innocent.

The quick summary is that my daughter accused my husband of touching her inappropriately while she was completely clothed. I don't have proof, but I'm sure that her father put her up to it (he's been trying to take full custody).

On top of everything else, I happened to wonder today if he is convicted could he be turned down next year when he applies to remove conditions (get his 10 year card)? Will it look bad if I have to tell USCIS that we lived apart for a time, and why? My lawyer said he thinks it will be difficult for a case to be made against him if we go to court, but if so, he could get probation and possibly a few months in jail. It would be a misdemeanor, but I'm not sure if he'd have to register as a sex offender. This whole thing is just turning my stomach. I can't eat or sleep, and my husband is devastated.

We visited Morocco (his home country) with no problem; he just took his 'greencard' and passport. What about traveling to other countries, though? He just heard something today about his soccer team possibly traveling to Canada to compete. Can he visit there or other countries the same as me, the USC? Is the 'greencard' enough or does he need to get a visa or something like he would if he still lived in Morocco? If so, how/where would he get it? Is it easy, or difficult (meaning, how strict are they/how likely is an approval)?

Thanks!

I also went through similar things. My family completely flipped even when I first said I was going to Morocco. They didn't know him at all, and were of the opinion that I didn't either (since we had met online). I waited until he got his visa to tell everyone that he was coming (they didn't know he had applied) just because I didn't want to listen to their 'advice'. It was kind of funny, in a way - I called my dad to tell him I had some news, and he figured I had already gotten married. As upset as he was about it, he was kind of relieved that we weren't married yet.

Because of the short amount of time we're given on the K! (90 days), and the way my family is scattered around the country, we married on short notice (just a few days after we got the marriage license) and only a few people attended. I think that's a good thing, because then I didn't have to get upset about those who wouldn't have come anyway.

I have some friends and family members who haven't been very welcoming, and some have basically dropped out of my life. I know part of it was the online thing, part was the timing (everything from my divorce, meeting him, the visa, and getting married went faster than expected), and part is who/what he is (Moroccan, muslim, Arabic, etc - in other words, 'different').

We've realized that all the things that are supposed to make it 'more difficult' for a relationship (those differences) haven't been a problem at all for us. There have been some adjustments, of course, but that's with ANY two people. I'm impressed how well he adjusted to so many changes (new culture, language, being married, meeting my kids, etc). The biggest issue we've had is how other people react to us, not how we've reacted to each other. The main thing there has been how he feels guilty, like he's complicated my life and is 'responsible' for the way others treat me. That bothers me - he should NEVER have to feel like he's a problem. I told him I don't need people like that in my life.

We've only known each other a little more than 2 years. Some people might wonder what I think I know... but I was with my first husband 19 years (dated for 4, married for 15), and we never did figure out how to understand each other, or how to deal with each other. I can already see the difference this time. In the short time we've been together (he got here almost 18 months ago), we already figured things out with each other. The most important thing is that we work on it together.

So many people think they know better than we do, but they don't bother to get to know him very much. They also haven't talked to me much in the past few years to see how I've changed. How can they decide anything about our relationship when they don't really know either of us? The thing that bothers me the most is they focus on what THEY can't deal with, and figure I won't be able to deal with it either.

Anyway, it's important to stay strong and talk with the people who are on your side, not those who are working against you. Remember that many of them are well meaning, but very misguided. One of the hardest things for me is finding someone to talk with when there have been little problems (which happens in every relationship). You will find there are many people you can't turn to, because they'll just use anything you say as proof that you really are 'making a mistake'. It took me a long time to remember that VJ is for so much more than helping us with the technical process with USCIS. There are so many people here that understand and are supportive.

If you need someone to talk to, PM me. I'm not on very often, but I can give you my email address.

I researched health insurance before my sweetie got here. I was able to get him a policy through Aetna even before we got married. I'm so happy I did, too. He got pneumonia a few months after he got here, and ended up in the hospital. It was only for one day, but the bill was (I think) around $14,000! The insurance covered everything after the $400 deductible. He's young and healthy, too, so I didn't think we'd actually even have to use the policy. Then again, you just never know. It was nice to have it just to get him some blood work done (checked his cholesterol, for example) and a new physical (wasn't sure how thorough the one for the visa was). More for the peace of mind, though.

Good luck!

ok so things NOT to say and do:

you are in the doghouse

you are a donkey

throwing a shoe at the guy

others?

This one is kind of funny, kind of embarassing. He was really hungry, eating alot... I said something that was a reflex from childhood "you're a pig!" NOOOOOT the thing to say to a Muslim. Good thing he has a sense of humor......

It may be a difficult conversation to have, but let him know that its unlikely that he will be able to support you both with only a GED. I also think it critical to let him know that in America, most times both husbands and wives have to work to meet their financial needs. Make sure he knows that whatever money he does earn is important.

I've mentioned the thing about the GED to him. He seems reluctant to go to school, but I'm not completely sure why. I think it's several things. 1 - he doesn't like debt (I think it's religious/cultural), but I've explained to him the debt for education makes sense (I'm very strict about debt, too - only for education, a house, or a necessary car); 2 - I think he might feel nervous about going to school; 3 - he seems to think he can get a good job or run a business without a degree (which IS possible, but takes time and is not a guarantee).

I love one thing you said - it should be very helpful. I never thought to point out that in this country most people need two incomes to get by. Especially when kids are involved (I have three from my first marriage).

Thank you so much, everyone! It helps to know that someone out there cares. And the advice is valuable.

It depends on the time, place, company, meal.... I enjoy sharing a plate with him.

I have to tell a quick, funny story. We were at a lunch one day, and the person who brought lunch apparently didn't have enough plates. We were given separate plates for the main dish, but they asked if we'd mind sharing a salad plate (we were the only couple there). Apparently, they don't know about Moroccan culture!

It's so nice to have a place to go to hear about others in our situation. Especially when the posts change to good news. We only checked out the parts of VJ before that dealt with getting the visa and the 'green card'. That part went smoothly for us, even though it felt like it was taking forever at the time. I'm not sure why it's taken me so long to realize this is also a good place for advice and discussions about daily life.

My husband is a sweet and wonderful person. His English is very good, and conversation is not a problem for him. Like some of your SOs, he came here without a degree. Last year, he got his driver license, green card, and GED. He's been able to find a few hours work on craigslist doing websites and a few odd jobs. He's getting very discouraged, though. He's been here around 16 months, and has only made a few hundred dollars. He wants to get a good job and support me, but hasn't had any luck. (My financial situation is a blessing in one way, but hurts his pride, too)

Life here has been much easier in some ways than it was for him in Morocco, but much more difficult in other ways. He has trouble dealing with my ex (he can't stand the way the ex talks to/treats me, and the ####### that's still dragging through the courts is driving us crazy). Also, I don't have many friends for different reasons (that's what happens in a divorce and I didn't have many as a stay at home mom anyway), but he thinks it's all his fault. I'm sure some people are avoiding me because of their prejudice (not because of him, as he says; because of their flaws, in my opinion). I told him I don't need people like that in my life, but he still seems to feel bad about it. Some people don't treat him well because of his background (he's Arab, Muslim, foreign in general, whatever). He's from a small city where everyone knew and respected him. It's also much more calm and relaxed there.

I thought going back to visit his family would help, but many people treated him differently because he's living here now. Many people expect him to help them (share the wealth, I guess), but he's not working, and we can't save the whole world (even though we'd sincerely love to). Some were obviously jealous of him (it probably didn't help that we rented a car to travel around - most Moroccan don't have cars) and probably thought he was showing off (not his style). Even his siblings are acting differently toward him.

Things have been getting worse. It seems like there are more times that he's not talking to me than times that he is (he clams up when he's upset). When he gets over whatever is bothering him, everything is wonderful, just like it was before. But I don't know how long that will keep working. It already seems like it's not. This week hasn't been good. He hasn't talked since yesterday morning. I am (always have been) willing to do whatever I can to help him. I just don't know how to help now.

It's so nice to have a place to go to hear about others in our situation. Especially when the posts change to good news. We only checked out the parts of VJ before that dealt with getting the visa and the 'green card'. That part went smoothly for us, even though it felt like it was taking forever at the time. I'm not sure why it's taken me so long to realize this is also a good place for advice and discussions about daily life.

My husband is a sweet and wonderful person. His English is very good, and conversation is not a problem for him. Like some of your SOs, he came here without a degree. Last year, he got his driver license, green card, and GED. He's been able to find a few hours work on craigslist doing websites and a few odd jobs. He's getting very discouraged, though. He's been here around 16 months, and has only made a few hundred dollars. He wants to get a good job and support me, but hasn't had any luck. (My financial situation is a blessing in one way, but hurts his pride, too)

Life here has been much easier in some ways than it was for him in Morocco, but much more difficult in other ways. He has trouble dealing with my ex (he can't stand the way the ex talks to/treats me, and the ####### that's still dragging through the courts is driving us crazy). Also, I don't have many friends for different reasons (that's what happens in a divorce and I didn't have many as a stay at home mom anyway), but he thinks it's all his fault. I'm sure some people are avoiding me because of their prejudice (not because of him, as he says; because of their flaws, in my opinion). I told him I don't need people like that in my life, but he still seems to feel bad about it. Some people don't treat him well because of his background (he's Arab, Muslim, foreign in general, whatever). He's from a small city where everyone knew and respected him. It's also much more calm and relaxed there.

I thought going back to visit his family would help, but many people treated him differently because he's living here now. Many people expect him to help them (share the wealth, I guess), but he's not working, and we can't save the whole world (even though we'd sincerely love to). Some were obviously jealous of him (it probably didn't help that we rented a car to travel around - most Moroccan don't have cars) and probably thought he was showing off (not his style). Even his siblings are acting differently toward him.

Things have been getting worse. It seems like there are more times that he's not talking to me than times that he is (he clams up when he's upset). When he gets over whatever is bothering him, everything is wonderful, just like it was before. But I don't know how long that will keep working. It already seems like it's not. This week hasn't been good. He hasn't talked since yesterday morning. I am (always have been) willing to do whatever I can to help him. I just don't know how to help now.

Hello,

My fiancee is concerned on how she will be treated when she arrives here in the US. She has traveled here before on a different type of visa and has been hassled on a few occasions. I tried to explain to her that customs and immigration is concerned with the fact that people are trying to come into the uS on temp visas and then will stay, but since she is coming here on a K-1 with the intention to get married and stay, this should make the situation pretty easy. Does anyone have an experience with this? How differently were you treated when coming in on your K-1 then you were on say a tourist or student visa?

I think it really varies. It depends on which airport, which officer, and also which country the person is from. I don't know if many people realize that the country really does matter. I've had people tell me they don't believe that, but they were from places that are more acceptable to the American public.

My husband didn't come over on a tourist visa, but I just wanted to let you hear a different story. He was grilled for quite some time once he got here, and then they took me in and the woman said some very rude things to me. She also told me I didn't have to marry him - I could send him home and wouldn't get in any trouble. She said horrible things about Moroccans. A friend of mine married a woman from Brazil, and he told me that she's been made to cry three different times in the airport.

I'm not telling you this to scare you two, just to let you be prepared. You'd really be better off asking people from her country who are already here. Preferably ones who came through the same airport. I wish I knew what we would be up against. I wouldn't have done anything differently, just wouldn't have been in such shock that first day he got here.

I wish you two the best of luck!

I asked my lawyer about getting married in another state or country in case our original marriage is considered invalid. Here's the reply:

"The only problem with doing the marriage again is it is a tacit admission the first marriage was no good. I truly believe the only persons who could ever really raise the issue would be you and your husband. I don’t think any other person would ever even think to challenge the validity. You certainly could apply for another marriage license in another state. Then again, what would you put for your current status? Again, I could talk to the solicitor for Del Co to see what can be done. I think the legislature is going to have to create a patch to address the situation."

Well, I wonder if we had gone ahead and had a ceremony in my husband's country between the time we got married here, and the time I found out about this article (something we had actually discussed - we just haven't been able to go back there so far). I think it's not unusual for people to do that, especially since it's so difficult to get a visa (from some countries), and expensive for people to travel to the US for a wedding. I did talk to the solicitor in Delaware County courthouse, and she said we can't get a marriage license since we already got and used one. But she also told me that they don't have any system in place to ensure that the people who perform weddings in PA are actually allowed to do so. Now that they are aware of the problem, (I was told that) they are giving people a paper that explains who is legally allowed to perform ceremonies. Too late for us. She didn't have any answers for us - no way to resolve this. She just suggested we get legal counsel. She said the only way we could get another marriage license would be to divorce each other first, and then we could get remarried by someone legitimate.

What it seems to boil down to is: we (and other couples) have fallen into a crack in the system, and so far no one really knows what will be decided about it. It sounds like the best thing I can do is try to stop worrying about it until something is decided, then do whatever needs to be done.

Sigh........

Here is a summary of my argument using an anecdote:dating online is equivalent to lending to a very very very very not so credit worthy borrower.However,in the midst of these scammers are a few decent fellows.Desirous to leave their home countries?Yes!Capable of actually falling in love with their foreign spouses?ABSOLUTELY!The risk you bear is in taking the chance of which “borrower” lands in your net,and what you do after that.I am sorry if I speak in parables,but this is how we African men put our truth out for consumption.The truth is,I want all of you with genuinely good hearts and intentions to find true happiness.No decent human deserves any less.Stay focused,enjoy the moment and yes, TRUST.

Finally,just like Besangin and others have noted,do not invest more than you are willing to lose in your relationship.But do not hold back that which is reasonable to make your dreams come true.Sorry,I have no formula here, as you alone can do that delicate balancing.I think that if many other African men would be willing to post here,the benefits would be immeasurable.Goodluck to each and everyone of you on their various journeys.

As a USC (married to a man from Africa), I prefer to think of online dating as more like lending to someone without a credit history, not so much someone "very very very very not so credit worthy". People gave me all kinds of scary things to think about before I even went over there, and I made sure to keep them all in the back of my mind. But I didn't expect anything bad based on what I knew of him, and I'm very happy to say that he's really wonderful.

I also want to address another thing you mentioned, and I am so happy you did. Most people seem to think that just because someone would like to leave their country, that they can't possibly actually love the person they meet from another country. I see nothing wrong with looking outside your country for a spouse, as long as you marry out of love. People here look for specific things all of the time. If you want a man with a good job, you're not going to hang out at the unemployment office! Not saying everyone is as obvious as that, but we all have our guidelines. Some people who criticize non-USC men and women for looking for USC spouses might want to remember that some USC men and women also purposely look outside this country for their spouses - and sometimes even pay to do so! I know friend of my father got what is referred to as a 'mail order bride'. And let's not forget how people within a country sometimes marry for the wrong reasons. I know the potential for fraud (at least theoretically) is higher when there's a difference in living standards between two countries, but it gets irritating when people assume that any USC (especially a woman) who marries someone from somewhere else - especially from a less affluent country - is automatically being duped and that the 'alien' (who came up with that?) is automatically a scammer. You should see the look of surprise when some people find out he has his 'green card' and hasn't left me.

By the way, just to mention - I wasn't looking for a relationship when I met my SO. I just wanted something to do when the kids were sleeping and my ex was out at night (I wasn't able to move out until after the divorce was finalized), so I talked with different people on the computer at night. He wasn't expecting to find someone either. But we found each other, and we're very happy.

We're just sick of people acting like we have to justify ourselves to them. And their attitudes speak even louder than their mouths.

Quick update for anyone who is interested, or in the same situation.

I called the reporter who wrote the article. He said what happened in that one case is that the woman decided she didn't want to be married anymore, and didn't want to go through a divorce. She got it taken to court and the marriage invalidated. In order words, she used a problem in the system to her advantage. I don't know any more about, and am not judging her.

I called my lawyer, and he doesn't know (yet) what to do. Seems this issue is a big tangled web right now, and legislation is pending to do something about it.

We even drove to the courthouse to talk with people there, including their solicitor. (Not sure exactly what that means, but she seemed to be the right person, and that's what my lawyer recommended) Check this out - Pennsylvania does not allow people who are licensed over the internet (without a regular congregation or place of worship) to legally perform marriages, YET they also do not require the counties to check to verify the legitimacy of the person who performs the ceremonies. The solicitor at Delaware County Courthouse told us that this affects thousands of couples, many of them unaware of the problem. I asked her if we could get 're-married'. Here's the really incredible part. She said they cannot issue us a marriage license since we are on record there as already being married. But she also said our marriage might not be valid. She said the only way to issue us a new marriage license is if we get divorced first! She recommended I call our state representative.

I called the state representative from the car. The lady there said to send email, but it sounds like there's not a whole lot they can do right now. She recommended that I contact a different state representative. So I'll have to do that too.

In the meantime, we are in the process of buying a house, and don't know how this will affect that either............

tearing my hair out.....

... Unfortunately, we believe we had that type of 'minister', which makes it sound like maybe we aren't actually married!

why don't you check with the minister to find out if they are in fact "that type of minister"?

Me thinks, best suggestion so far!

I'm 99.9% sure of it, and he's friends with my ex. I don't want to tip the ex off to any way to possibly make my life miserable. Not that I really need to explain that, but he told me once that "it's immoral to meet someone on the internet and bring him here to marry him". (He'd be really popular here, huh?)

My lawyer is looking into it for now. I'm just worried that my choices are either stir up a big expense mess that will take forever to resolve (one that might never be a problem if left alone), or worry forever about it.

Fun fun.

We're in Pennsylvania. http://www.philly.com/philly/news/local/11181097.html is the link for the story. In it, you'll read how the system is really messed up right now. Here's the part that concerns me: "In a York County case, a Common Pleas Court judge invalidated a 10-month marriage, finding that a friend of the bride's who officiated at the wedding didn't have the power to do so under Pennsylvania law even though he had been ordained online by the Universal Life Church. The judge ruled the friend didn't qualify as a minister under state law because he had no regular congregation or place of worship." The really ironic part is that it's possible in PA for people to "self-unite" - basically, marry themselves. We didn't want to do that because we didn't want there to be any questions raised, since it's not the norm everywhere, as far as I know.

Sigh.

Oh, the other thing I was wondering (if I get an answer, I'll post it) is if there's any way a green card can be revoked - such as in a case like this - and/or the petition to have conditions removed can be denied because of something like this.

We have a real problem, despite all of our precautions. We went through the whole process - got the K1 visa, got married, filed and received the 'green card'. We were so excited - no more immigration for almost 2 years!

Then I was reading the newspaper. According to the article, marriages performed by certain types of 'ministers' are not valid in my state. Unfortunately, we believe we had that type of 'minister', which makes it sound like maybe we aren't actually married! We're too afraid to check with anyone about it, but can't imagine waiting and wondering to find out if anyone picks up on it. I already had one sleepless night over this (just read about it last night). In a regular, non-K1 situation, we would just quietly get remarried and not worry about it. As all of you know, though, in this case, it's much more complicated than that. So far, it seems nobody has noticed - we were able to file with the courthouse, get copies of our marriage license and everything. It mentioned in the article that in one county, a marriage was invalidated (after many months) because of the type of minister.

So now, if someone in immigration picks up on it (say, when we're filing to remove the conditions), what will happen? Even if we remarry now, I don't know if that will solve the problem since he already got his green card. Of course, if we don't remarry, we have other problems too. If something happened to one of us - especially me - he could be deported, there would be all kinds of problems with legal matters (Wills, life insurance, jointly held property, etc), and probably other issues too.

Has anyone encountered (or even just heard about) a situation like this before?

I'm really worried..........