Asante Maroon

My prayers are with you Zainab

Also, not referring to you but others, does love equate to how much you are willing to show that love by going against everything you believe? Does that mean i love him less because of the things i am not willing to do? No, but by not understanding and accepting my stance it shows his unwillingness to accept me.

Everyone says " I dont know how it is in Africa, how hard life is, maybe because i have never been there. I consider myself pretty intelligent, try to keep abreast of world events, i know the situation in Africa. I lnow some resort to all types of things in order to better themselves, but does that make it right? What about those who choose instead to work hard and to do whatever to make sure their families are cared for, what evr job that may be.

Maybe I am missing the point, if there is one. This is about two people not one. yes, i am sure that this is a good man, sure he would be a great father and husband, but when the smoke clears and as I am coming down from my, " oh , he is wonderful, the best" high, i must face reality my reality. That reality is he is really no different from any other man, just from a different part of the world, that alone does not exempt him from pain and struggle.

Thanks

Hi Dana, I don't think that by going against what you believe is proof of your love for your SO. Everyone is or was in a different place at the petition stage of their process. For me, I was 100% sure of my SO's intentions and I think its fair to say that we understood each other. I just did not see the money issue the way that you see it and that's okay because you have different experiences that inform the way that you think and approach things. You also have a child to think about.

Keeping to your values are very important because your values are what makes you, you.

Maybe waiting until he can come up with the money for the process is the best thing to do, but it might mean a very long time before this process starts. I think that he might just understand and accept your stance but it it still does not relieve the sting from knowing that he may never have the chance to be with you because of his finances. Him not calling can mean him thinking things over and not necessarily that he does not respect your position. He may have come to the realization that if he cannot come up with the money on his own that your relationship might fall apart. Time can either bring you closer or drift you apart.

Again, I'm just trying to let you see the other side of the coin because you already know how you feel about the situation.

Also, just because you may have to help him with his fees does not mean it exempts him from his struggle. Africans are typically hard working people (at least all the Africans I know personally) and when they come to this country they will take on multiple jobs just so they can support their families. Everyday may be a struggle, but they are still able to maintain a smile and cool demeanor because they understand that this is "life"...their reality. So if your SO has not struck you as the lazy type, I don't think you should worry too much about that because its my belief that if he has been ambitious back home, more than likely he will be just as ambitious or more so (because of opportunities) here. You just got to go with your gut on this one...

I do think that you are missing my point and I don't want you to feel that I do not understand where you are coming from because I most certainly do. Once again I think you are scared and that is understandable....you are dealing with someone long long long distance and maybe you have these reservations for a reason deeper than just financial reasons. All the same you might be making the right decision by holding off for a bit and just reevaluating where things are.

Good luck to you again, mama.

P.S. ....GO WITH YOUR GUT!

one interview... 3 minutes...visa granted.

Hubby says he believed that the decision was made before the interview and was based primarily on the evidence presented before his arrival

male beneficiary

G'nite Omoba. Thanks for the update on Nagi. I'll get the lights.

Hey Dana,

I am sorry that you and your SO has reached a bump in the road...which I believe is just a bump. You have to stay true to your own feelings but you have to understand that he may be staying true to his own.

Yes. Times are rough regardless if you are living in Africa or the US and bringing your fiance here on your own dime may very well be difficult due to your personal responsibilities but I just want you to see the other side of the coin.

My experience:

When I decided to file for my hubby, I knew that I would bear most of the financial burden...not because it was expected of me but because I knew that my hubby could not possibly contribute effectively to the journey. If it was a struggle for me at times to gather money for international phone calls and the like and I live in a country where the dollar is stronger, I knew that it would be virtually impossible for my SO to come up with money. Consider a haircut in the US being $20 and a haircut in Ghana being $1 .....BIG difference... you get me?

Of course my hubby had a huge issue with me taking on most of the financial burden and tried to save as much as he could to towards the process, but like I said it would merely be enough to make a dent in what was truly needed. In the end he could have begged family members to contribute, but he and I both are not that kind of people. We find it easier to give than to take.

I have hunch that your SO could very well feel a lot of pressure to contribute to the process especially if he just does not have it. He may even suspect that you may feel that he is not doing his part as the man in the relationship and that your guard is up in terms of being used. I know that if I would have reacted to my SO as you had to your SO, my SO would be hurt and may have reacted in the the same way as yours. Its a lot of pressure on any man when his SO is more financially stable then he is. Maybe he felt that you were telling him that he is not that important and if he comes to the US he comes but he has to get himself here. He may feel that you don't trust him and perhaps this distrust is influencing why you are hesitant or refusing to invest financially in his fees for coming here.

Love is smart, however it has no boundaries. If you believe that this man truly loves you and he wants to come to the US to love you, build with you, and support you...you just might have to take the first step in showing some support. Can your SO find a job? perhaps. Can he sell goods on the side of the road? perhaps. But I'm going to be really honest with you, the money he makes may just be enough for him to make it day to day and maybe put a little away on the side. In Ghana when you are able to secure a monthly wage of lets say 300-500 USD its pretty decent money and is considered a very good paying job...and the average person does not even make that.

Dana, just pray on it more. My SO never asked me for money and was always very reluctant to take anything from me, but we both needed to be real. although I am by no means rich, I definitely was in a better position than he was so logically I would have to take on more of the financial responsibility. If my SO had the $$$ OF COURSE he would have to contribute!!! But he did not. When I was in Ghana for 3 months during my second trip....he broke his savings just to show me a good time and make me comfortable. During the initial petition process he mailed documents to me from Ghana on his own dime through DHL. When he arrived in the US, he presented me with all that he managed to save. I had no idea that he would have done that, but he did. I was sure that he was who I wanted to be with and I was certain that he was not using me or that he was not copping out on his duties as a man. I knew that when he is in a better place to do better that he would because he had shown me some instances...however small.

If you are unsure about paying your SO's fees for whatever reasons, perhaps you feel that you may be taken advantage of, then I can understand your reservation. But if you are holding strict to not being seen as some sort of sugar mama to your SO, I think you should rethink why you want to bring him here. His silence to your question does not seem to me as an admission of guilt but more of hurt that he may not be that important to you.

I know that you have not given us all the details so forgive me for where I have made assumptions. I am just trying to give you another perspective.

I think you love your SO, but you are just scared and I understand that. But please do not act out of fear. Continue to pray on it and try your best to look at the situation objectively....

Once again I am writing while being extremely sleepy, so I hope I have made a little sense...If you need clarification, PM me, mama.

Good luck to you

P.S.

I don't think you are bitchy or selfish. I think your feelings are a natural reaction to what you are experiencing.

looks

Reservoir Dogs is on TV right now, the tipping scene rocks!!

well I do believe that " TIPS " stand for, to insure proper service. so originally they were given before any service was performed. to insure that your needs were well taken care of. so if I was to go into a well packed bar or club I would tip at least $20.00 before I was even served a drink. and then tell the bartender don't forget me tonight. my friends and I are thirsty. that always worked well for me. and depending how long I stayed, there was more tips to folow. so now today everything is changed for some screwed up reason. i often ask the waitress or waiter if they know what TIPS stand for. and if they do I will double your tip. not one person who I have asked and makes a living from tips ever knew what it meant.. similiar to people who drive BMW'S half of them don't know what bmw stands for. and almost all of them do not know what the emblem represents.

nice to know. I feel armed for my next dining experience

Welcome Deb!!!

woo-hoo

kids going BACK to school tomorrow

Nagi, you aight????

and where is he?????

later subbies

@ u celebrating ur kids resuming their educational endeavors hence giving you a bit more breathing space

shhhh, you don't know

I miss u Uno! Seems like a long time since we last spoke...

Did not realize how expensive it is in the UK!!! I guess thats why my family from the UK love to come to the NYC to shop

Bit late on this one (again!) but fwiw, I can't wait to get out of Blighty. And that's just as well, because 'er indoors has told me on more than one occasion that she's too much of a "spoiled ### American" to live anywhere else.

Seriously though, it's about getting "bang for yer buck." I mean, let's take housing: for US$150,000, I can get a brick, ranch-style, 3 or 4 bedroom home on a couple of acres in her part of rural Southern Illinois. Kincaid Lake and the Shawnee National Forest are just a few miles away, too. Conversely, the UK equivalent amount (about £80,000 at the current exchange rate) buys me NOTHING in the South of the country, a 1 bed apartment in a half-decent area of the Midlands or up North, or maybe a small terraced house in an absolute fleapit of a place. I #### you not.

Nope, once I've left the UK I aint never going back (except to visit, of course).

We would live in the UK if it was financially possible...alas, we are not made of money...

But it could always happen in the future...

Same here.

I would be starting a new life anyway because I'm graduating from school and moving out of my house (can't afford to stay in Bath - way too expensive!) I might as well be the one to move to the US where things are cheaper in general.

woo-hoo

kids going BACK to school tomorrow

Nagi, you aight????

and where is he?????

later subbies

@ u celebrating ur kids resuming their educational endeavors hence giving you a bit more breathing space

Glad that things are working out well for you. The first year or two after your SO gets here can be pretty rough.

At the risk of sounding mean, I tip based on the service provided, not based on what the server does or how badly they need the money.

I've been led to believe that 15% = barely acceptable service, so that's what I do. If the social consensus changes to make that 20%, that's what I'll do (although I'll likely eat out less). But I won't up the % because the server needs the money. I've never worked for an employer who paid more because I needed it more, that's unfortunately not how it works.

Good point

I take into account the number of tables and how busy the server is when service is not that great, but I don't believe in tipping good just because my order has been taken.... There are crappy customers as there are crappy servers. And I have had my share of servers who were not busy...restaurant not busy ...and they were just not concerned with being there, nonchalant, and sometimes outright rude and when you don't tip or tip a small $ amount due to this poor service, you are thought of as cheap.

Dining out is becoming more expensive and when you are paying good money for a meal, good service should come with that and unfortunately that is not always the case.

I know if I am working a job where I am getting only $3 per hour I am going to bust my a$$ regardless because I am not going to be the reason for not getting whats due to me...

So I pose this question... How much do you tip or should you tip a server who gives you horrible service, not due to anything else (like being overworked) but a bad attitude and poor work ethic?

15% for very basic service: takes order, serves food, gives bill, and is fairly professional

20-30% for outstanding customer service: polite and friendly demeanor, makes personal recommendations, takes order, serves food, makes sure needs are taken care of, takes extra step to ensure satisfaction, makes eye contact, and is very professional

customer service is my pet peeve. I worked fast food as a teen and have had past retail experience so I know what it is like on the other end and I knew that if not for the customer, there would be no need for my position. I would come to work tired, feet hurting, issues at home, and would still provide excellent customer service. So, when I receive fair customer service, the tip is very basic....15%

Excellent service deserves 20% and more (depending on the degree of that great service) and a note of thanks on the bill and sometimes a word of praise to the manager.

Welcome to VJ

Morning everyone

Been entertianing visitors and now I am tired!!!

Your hubby is here!!!!! :dance:

Going to bed?

yeah, @ the time I was going BACK to bed, but nooooo!!!!!

man, I am soo p 'ed,

our internet went out today along w/phone service (same company...duh... ).

and the phone still is not on, i-net came on 'bout an hour ago

then...then....I JUST found out my should-have-been-baby-daddy died ; Bernie Mac!!!!

I am sooo saaaaad

IS THERE NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE!!!

awwwww Bernie :crying:

Congrats on your husband's promotion and double congrats on the new baby on the way

CONGRATS

CONGRATS!!!!

#######!!!

All this randomness in my thread. I don't even know who to blame.

Oo

Oo

Oo

I know who it was.

It was Tony and Tess, Lovin Liberia and Asante Maroon. See Tony and Tess felt so guilty she went into hiding and changed her screen name!!

I tried to stop them and teach them about Jesus, but they wouldn't listen. The devil had 'em good!!

Hmm mmmm! That's just what happened Zee.

AWWW DAMN, ZAINAB! YOU ARE MAD DIRTY!!! How you gonna sell us out like that especially since you were the ring leader

Huh?

What?

Whatchutalkinbout?

#######!!!

All this randomness in my thread. I don't even know who to blame.

Oo

Oo

Oo

I know who it was.

It was Tony and Tess, Lovin Liberia and Asante Maroon. See Tony and Tess felt so guilty she went into hiding and changed her screen name!!

I tried to stop them and teach them about Jesus, but they wouldn't listen. The devil had 'em good!!

Hmm mmmm! That's just what happened Zee.

AWWW DAMN, ZAINAB! YOU ARE MAD DIRTY!!! How you gonna sell us out like that especially since you were the ring leader

CONGRATS ON THE NOA2

WAVES

PLANS

CONGRATS!!! IS HE HERE YET? HOWS IT GOING?