sandinista!

Ughh. I totally get not turning every incident into this crazy, hyped up, racialized thing though, when I think a good amount of the time it comes from bad manners,being oblivious, and just not knowing any better. Doesn't excuse it, but it could be a better approach than getting overly worked up about people's reasons for saying stupid .
So, um, like, what are you anyways?

Ughh. I totally get not turning every incident into this crazy, hyped up, racialized thing though, when I think a good amount of the time it comes from bad manners,being oblivious, and just not knowing any better. Doesn't excuse it, but it could be a better approach than getting overly worked up about people's reasons for saying stupid .
So, um, like, what are you anyways?

indeed, a friend once told me she constantly gets asked if she adopted her daughters (their father is cambodian), most times right in front of the girls. it baffles me, right alongside strangers who walk up and put their hands on a pregnant woman's belly.

Finally!! I was sweating in here alone for a second.
Ow that sucks.

My mom used to get asked in front of me what is was like to have a child that looked nothing like her. It was very upsetting to me as a child, because there is a very strong resemblance between us, except that I tan in the summer and don't have blonde hair, and I wanted to be just like my mommy.
Lord forbid if Mr U and I ever spawn and create a Korean-Irish-Mexican-German-Belgian-English-Basque-Cherokee baby. We'll probably be accused of kidnapping it. On the plus side, it will be eligible for at least three Obamaphones!

Well, yeah. The article wasn't great at getting much of a point across. But this can be a thing. And in my experience it predominantly skews towards white people saying weird stuff or making inappropriate commentary about other people's racial or ethnic attributes. Being out in public with a curly haired kinda brown kid doesn't mean I want to field questions about my daughter's ethnicity while I'm trying to buy a pair of shoes. 99.9% of the time, people are nice, and are asking from a curious, nice, but still nosy place. When my son was little, strangers talked to me about him as a person ...the comics he was into because they saw his Avengers shirt, etc. But a brown girl, with curls and a foreign name, people usually just mention what they see as her "exoticness" or prettiness. It kinda sucks. She's a person too, beyond her looks and ethnicity.

Well, yeah. The article wasn't great at getting much of a point across. But this can be a thing. And in my experience it predominantly skews towards white people saying weird stuff or making inappropriate commentary about other people's racial or ethnic attributes. Being out in public with a curly haired kinda brown kid doesn't mean I want to field questions about my daughter's ethnicity while I'm trying to buy a pair of shoes. 99.9% of the time, people are nice, and are asking from a curious, nice, but still nosy place. When my son was little, strangers talked to me about him as a person ...the comics he was into because they saw his Avengers shirt, etc. But a brown girl, with curls and a foreign name, people usually just mention what they see as her "exoticness" or prettiness. It kinda sucks. She's a person too, beyond her looks and ethnicity.

Well, yeah. The article wasn't great at getting much of a point across. But this can be a thing. And in my experience it predominantly skews towards white people saying weird stuff or making inappropriate commentary about other people's racial or ethnic attributes. Being out in public with a curly haired kinda brown kid doesn't mean I want to field questions about my daughter's ethnicity while I'm trying to buy a pair of shoes. 99.9% of the time, people are nice, and are asking from a curious, nice, but still nosy place. When my son was little, strangers talked to me about him as a person ...the comics he was into because they saw his Avengers shirt, etc. But a brown girl, with curls and a foreign name, people usually just mention what they see as her "exoticness" or prettiness. It kinda sucks. She's a person too, beyond her looks and ethnicity.

true story, I was just about to post that same link! This one too.http://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/whats-the-right-c-section-rate-higher-than-you-think/

Kids are a comfort measure for many, in the grind of poverty. As far as being cash cows though, they do a terrible job. The supposed "welfare queen" benefits in having more children vs the actual cost of those children simply do not pencil out.

Not according to this site.

Spluttering over and over about what countries have death penalties for being gay is a deflection, no one's more aware of those realities than millions of gay Muslims. Clearly it's about more than the OP could ever grasp. I'd like to know when exactly the OP became any kind of source for what Islam wants, what gays want, what both groups stand to gain from each other's support, and what to do with the concept of real life gay Muslims, and their 1400+ year existence. Just because the OP can't wrap his head around it doesn't make it any less of a thing.

Long, but a good read. Obligatory but insincere apology for great wall of text.
Stop trying to split gays and Muslims
Anti-Islam crusader Pam Geller's effort to foment hate between the two groups is based on lies and doomed to fail
I have an earnest and sincere question for the LGBT community: Do you support Pamela Geller?
Geller, who is one of the most active proponents of anti-Muslim attitudes in the United States, rose to notoriety as one of the key instigators of the Park51 backlash, misrepresenting a proposed Islamic Community Center (think a YMCA or Jewish Community Center) by calling it the Ground Zero mosque and engaging in dishonest rhetoric and blatant fear-mongering. Her organization, Stop the Islamization of America, was identified as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center, a civil rights organization, alongside extremist groups like the Ku Klux Klan and Nazis. And its earned that label Geller and her allies have dedicated countless hours and millions upon millions of dollars to drum up hatred, fear and xenophobia toward Muslims.
Last week I learned that Geller and one of her biggest allies, Robert Spencer, are hosting a fundraiser for their anti-Muslim advertisements on the website Indiegogo. This disturbed me for a number of reasons, but particularly because Indiegogos terms explicitly prohibit anything promoting hate. (Despite reports from me and many others, Indiegogo has so far declined to remove the fundraiser; if so inclined, you can let them know what you think about that here.)
While I was looking into this, I discovered that Geller recently announced plans to run a series of anti-Muslim advertisements in San Francisco quoting Muslim individuals making anti-LGBT statements. Why? Because members of San Franciscos LGBT community criticized other anti-Muslim ads she has run there.
I tweeted my appreciation that the LGBT community in San Francisco is standing up against her efforts to drive a wedge between LGBT folks and Muslims. Soon after, Geller retweeted me, claiming that she in fact has huge support in Gay community. Immediately, her supporters began to lob insults and even threats at me; Spencer himself suggested that I should be rewarded for supporting Muslims by someone saw[ing] off [my] head. (Meanwhile, though Geller, Spencer and their supporters kept tweeting at me that Muslims hate gays and want to kill me, many Muslim friends and strangers alike tweeted love and support for LGBT equality at me.)
As things settled down, I realized that Geller had stopped responding to me when I requested more information to back up her assertion that she has huge support in Gay community, after the only evidence she provided was a link to a Facebook group with 72 members. Ive since asked her repeatedly for more information, but have not gotten a response.
I couldnt think of a single LGBT person in my life that would support her work, but I didnt want to go off of my own judgment alone. So I started asking around. It wasnt hard to find prominent members of the LGBT community who do not share Gellers views.
The idea that the LGBT community should support Islamophobia is offensive and absurd, said Joseph Ward III, director of Believe Out Loud, an organization that empowers Christians to work for LGBT equality. [American Muslims] are our allies as we share a common struggle to overcome stereotypes and misconceptions in America.
Trying to drive a wedge between the LGBT community and other communities is old, tired and [it] doesnt work, said Ross Murray, director of News and Faith Initiatives for GLAAD. Pitting two communities [like the Muslim and LGBT communities] against one another is an attempt to keep both oppressed. Wedge strategies are offensive and, in the long run, they do not work. Geller is not an LGBT ally shes posing as one because it is convenient to her [anti-Muslim] agenda.
As with any attempts at a wedge, these efforts seek to erase the real and powerful reality of LGBT Muslims and seek to create a false dichotomy: All the LGBT people are non-Muslim/Islamophobic and all the Muslims are straight and homophobic, said Rev. Rebecca Voelkel, program director of the Institute for Welcoming Resources at the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force. Particularly given the oppression, marginalization, hatred and violence visited upon the LGBTQ community, it is critically important that we use our spiritual, communal and political power to speak out against the victimization and vilification of any other community. As a Christian lesbian, I must stand against any attempts to victimize another because of their personhood.
Theres no doubt that theres a great deal of religion-based bigotry against LGBT people, although its hardly limited to Islam. The Hebrew Scriptures also prescribe the death penalty for some homosexual conduct, but you dont typically see people using this to inflame anti-Semitic or anti-Christian sentiment, said John Corvino, author of Whats Wrong With Homosexuality? and coauthor of Debating Same-Sex Marriage. To single out Muslims in this way is both unhelpful and unfair.
Despite her claim, the work of Geller and her colleagues has plenty of opposition in the LGBT community. Why?
For starters, its wrong.
As Junaid Jahangir writes in a recent piece at the Huffington Post, [Gellers] selective references provide a misguided view of the current Muslim position on ####### rights issues. He rightly notes that her advertisements lift up the views of a controversial Muslim cleric, but ignore the over 2,500 Muslim intellectuals from 23 countries [that] not only called for an international treaty to counter such clerics, but also called for a tribunal set by the United Nations Security Council to put them on trial for inciting violence. In his piece, which is a must-read, Jahangir goes on to quote many influential, pro-equality Muslim leaders. Pointing to the activism they are doing to support LGBT rights, he demonstrates that Geller is unfairly and dangerously presenting a skewed picture of Muslim views on LGBT people.
Theres no question that homophobia is rampant among the worlds 1.5 billion Muslims but that doesnt negate the fact that there are huge groups of Muslims who have easily reconciled their faith and sexual orientation, like LGBT people in other faith communities, said Reza Aslan, author of No God but God and Beyond Fundamentalism, in a recent phone interview. For a woman who leads an organization that has been labeled a hate group to try to reach out to a community like the LGBT community, by trying to make a connection based on bigotry, is harmful and ridiculous. Bigotry is not a bridge.
Of course, members of the LGBT community are right to be concerned about the dangers of religious extremism and totalitarianism whether it is Christian, Muslim or any other expression. But demonizing another community wont help reduce the influence of religious fundamentalism.
You can be honest about your disagreements without being hateful. Im a ####### atheist, and I believe that there are ideas and practices promoted by Muslims in the name of Islam that are not only false theyre extremely harmful. But to rally against Muslims and Islam as if they and it are some monolithic bloc is counterproductive; it creates enemies where we need allies. There are many Muslims who oppose cruelty and violence done in the name of Islam and favor equality for all people, and they are positioned to create change. We should be working with them, not standing against all of Islam. Based on my own experiences, I know that this is a much more constructive approach. In my book Faitheist, I tell several stories about Muslim friends who are not only accepting of my sexual orientation, but are also fierce allies for LGBT equality.
Thats the problem with Gellers advertisements, and with sweeping, generalizing statements about entire groups of people: They dont account for the diversity of ideas and traditions that exist within any given community. Geller focuses on a ridiculously tiny minority of Muslim extremists in order to paint her picture of Islam, and in doing so she neglects to account for the rich and varied traditions of generosity, selflessness, social progress and forgiveness present within Islam. Not only that, but her efforts alienate key allies Muslim and non-Muslim alike who share her concerns about Muslim extremists, but who also recognize that her narrow approach is unfair and dishonest.
Instead of adopting Gellers approach, LGBT people should focus on building relationships. After all, support for marriage equality more than doubles among people who know a gay person. The Pew Research Center reports that of the 14 percent of Americans who changed their mind and decided to support gay marriage in the last decade, 37 percent (the largest category) cited having friends/family/acquaintances who are gay/lesbian as the primary reason. The second largest group in this astounding shift, at 25 percent, said they became more tolerant, learned more and became more aware.
In 2011, I wrote an essay encouraging more cooperation and solidarity between the LGBT community and the Muslim community:
[in 2009], a Gallup poll demonstrated something the LGBTQ community has known for some time: People are significantly more inclined to oppose gay marriage if they do not know anyone who is gay. Similarly, a Time Magazine cover story featured revealing numbers that speak volumes about the correlation between positive relationships and civic support. Per their survey, 46 percent of Americans think Islam is more violent than other faiths and 61 percent oppose Park51, but only 37 percent even know a Muslim American. Another survey, by Pew, reported that 55 percent of Americans know not very much or nothing at all about Islam. The disconnect is clear: When only 37 percent of Americans know a Muslim American, and 55 percent claim to know very little or nothing about Islam, the negative stereotypes about the Muslim community go unchallenged.
The Muslim and LGBTQ communities face common challenges that stem from the same problemthat diverse communities dont have robust and durable civic ties. This is why the Muslim and LGBTQ communities ought to be strong allies.
I continue to believe this, and Gellers work isnt helping. Geller, Spencer, and their supporters are wrong to try to pit the ####### community against Muslims. Their efforts to force a wedge between us and the Muslim community are little more than fear-mongering a tactic that has long been used to keep the LGBT community marginalized and oppressed.
Faisal Alam, a ####### Muslim activist who founded the Al-Fatiha Foundation an organization dedicated to advancing the cause of LGBT Muslims recognizes this intersectionality.
Pamela Gellers attempts to create divisions between LGBT people and Muslim Americans is a losing tactic, said Alam in a recent interview. Muslims who are LGBT stand at the intersections of two marginalized communities. We know firsthand the devastating effects of both homophobia and Islamophobia. And we understand that LGBT and Muslim communities must stand together based on mutual respect and understanding.
In that respect, Geller, Spencer and those who support them seem to have more in common with anti-LGBT fear-mongers than they do with LGBT people and Muslims who are trying to build respect and understanding. Their worldview is more in line with someone like conservative commentator Frank Turek of American Family Radio, who has said that LGBT people and Muslims both hate Western civilization, both hate Judeo-Christian natural law values that our Constitution and particularly our Declaration of Independence were founded on. We should oppose efforts to demonize Muslims as we do those demonizing ####### people, as they ultimately share a common root.
Reza Aslan agrees, and he describes a shift toward greater understanding and cooperation in the Muslim community.
American Muslims young American Muslims in particular are starting to understand that unless they are willing to stand up for all the other oppressed communities in this country, including those discriminated against for their gender or sexuality, then no one will stand up for them, said Aslan. So far from there being a bond between Geller and the oppressed LGBT community, the bond [is] between the LGBT community and American Muslims a community that is facing unprecedented hate and violence in the United States. My hope is that having someone like Pamela Geller trying to create this division will have the opposite effect: That it will bring these two communities, oppressed for different reasons, together to form a bond against all forms of bigotry.
I share in that hope. So instead of donating to Gellers wrongheaded campaign on Indiegogo, I encourage LGBT folks to consider making a donation to Muslims for Progressive Values, which is doing radical work to promote LGBT inclusion.
http://www.salon.com/2013/04/02/stop_trying_to_split_gays_and_muslims/

Spluttering over and over about what countries have death penalties for being gay is a deflection, no one's more aware of those realities than millions of gay Muslims. Clearly it's about more than the OP could ever grasp. I'd like to know when exactly the OP became any kind of source for what Islam wants, what gays want, what both groups stand to gain from each other's support, and what to do with the concept of real life gay Muslims, and their 1400+ year existence. Just because the OP can't wrap his head around it doesn't make it any less of a thing.

Long, but a good read. Obligatory but insincere apology for great wall of text.
Stop trying to split gays and Muslims
Anti-Islam crusader Pam Geller's effort to foment hate between the two groups is based on lies and doomed to fail
I have an earnest and sincere question for the LGBT community: Do you support Pamela Geller?
Geller, who is one of the most active proponents of anti-Muslim attitudes in the United States, rose to notoriety as one of the key instigators of the Park51 backlash, misrepresenting a proposed Islamic Community Center (think a YMCA or Jewish Community Center) by calling it the Ground Zero mosque and engaging in dishonest rhetoric and blatant fear-mongering. Her organization, Stop the Islamization of America, was identified as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center, a civil rights organization, alongside extremist groups like the Ku Klux Klan and Nazis. And its earned that label Geller and her allies have dedicated countless hours and millions upon millions of dollars to drum up hatred, fear and xenophobia toward Muslims.
Last week I learned that Geller and one of her biggest allies, Robert Spencer, are hosting a fundraiser for their anti-Muslim advertisements on the website Indiegogo. This disturbed me for a number of reasons, but particularly because Indiegogos terms explicitly prohibit anything promoting hate. (Despite reports from me and many others, Indiegogo has so far declined to remove the fundraiser; if so inclined, you can let them know what you think about that here.)
While I was looking into this, I discovered that Geller recently announced plans to run a series of anti-Muslim advertisements in San Francisco quoting Muslim individuals making anti-LGBT statements. Why? Because members of San Franciscos LGBT community criticized other anti-Muslim ads she has run there.
I tweeted my appreciation that the LGBT community in San Francisco is standing up against her efforts to drive a wedge between LGBT folks and Muslims. Soon after, Geller retweeted me, claiming that she in fact has huge support in Gay community. Immediately, her supporters began to lob insults and even threats at me; Spencer himself suggested that I should be rewarded for supporting Muslims by someone saw[ing] off [my] head. (Meanwhile, though Geller, Spencer and their supporters kept tweeting at me that Muslims hate gays and want to kill me, many Muslim friends and strangers alike tweeted love and support for LGBT equality at me.)
As things settled down, I realized that Geller had stopped responding to me when I requested more information to back up her assertion that she has huge support in Gay community, after the only evidence she provided was a link to a Facebook group with 72 members. Ive since asked her repeatedly for more information, but have not gotten a response.
I couldnt think of a single LGBT person in my life that would support her work, but I didnt want to go off of my own judgment alone. So I started asking around. It wasnt hard to find prominent members of the LGBT community who do not share Gellers views.
The idea that the LGBT community should support Islamophobia is offensive and absurd, said Joseph Ward III, director of Believe Out Loud, an organization that empowers Christians to work for LGBT equality. [American Muslims] are our allies as we share a common struggle to overcome stereotypes and misconceptions in America.
Trying to drive a wedge between the LGBT community and other communities is old, tired and [it] doesnt work, said Ross Murray, director of News and Faith Initiatives for GLAAD. Pitting two communities [like the Muslim and LGBT communities] against one another is an attempt to keep both oppressed. Wedge strategies are offensive and, in the long run, they do not work. Geller is not an LGBT ally shes posing as one because it is convenient to her [anti-Muslim] agenda.
As with any attempts at a wedge, these efforts seek to erase the real and powerful reality of LGBT Muslims and seek to create a false dichotomy: All the LGBT people are non-Muslim/Islamophobic and all the Muslims are straight and homophobic, said Rev. Rebecca Voelkel, program director of the Institute for Welcoming Resources at the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force. Particularly given the oppression, marginalization, hatred and violence visited upon the LGBTQ community, it is critically important that we use our spiritual, communal and political power to speak out against the victimization and vilification of any other community. As a Christian lesbian, I must stand against any attempts to victimize another because of their personhood.
Theres no doubt that theres a great deal of religion-based bigotry against LGBT people, although its hardly limited to Islam. The Hebrew Scriptures also prescribe the death penalty for some homosexual conduct, but you dont typically see people using this to inflame anti-Semitic or anti-Christian sentiment, said John Corvino, author of Whats Wrong With Homosexuality? and coauthor of Debating Same-Sex Marriage. To single out Muslims in this way is both unhelpful and unfair.
Despite her claim, the work of Geller and her colleagues has plenty of opposition in the LGBT community. Why?
For starters, its wrong.
As Junaid Jahangir writes in a recent piece at the Huffington Post, [Gellers] selective references provide a misguided view of the current Muslim position on ####### rights issues. He rightly notes that her advertisements lift up the views of a controversial Muslim cleric, but ignore the over 2,500 Muslim intellectuals from 23 countries [that] not only called for an international treaty to counter such clerics, but also called for a tribunal set by the United Nations Security Council to put them on trial for inciting violence. In his piece, which is a must-read, Jahangir goes on to quote many influential, pro-equality Muslim leaders. Pointing to the activism they are doing to support LGBT rights, he demonstrates that Geller is unfairly and dangerously presenting a skewed picture of Muslim views on LGBT people.
Theres no question that homophobia is rampant among the worlds 1.5 billion Muslims but that doesnt negate the fact that there are huge groups of Muslims who have easily reconciled their faith and sexual orientation, like LGBT people in other faith communities, said Reza Aslan, author of No God but God and Beyond Fundamentalism, in a recent phone interview. For a woman who leads an organization that has been labeled a hate group to try to reach out to a community like the LGBT community, by trying to make a connection based on bigotry, is harmful and ridiculous. Bigotry is not a bridge.
Of course, members of the LGBT community are right to be concerned about the dangers of religious extremism and totalitarianism whether it is Christian, Muslim or any other expression. But demonizing another community wont help reduce the influence of religious fundamentalism.
You can be honest about your disagreements without being hateful. Im a ####### atheist, and I believe that there are ideas and practices promoted by Muslims in the name of Islam that are not only false theyre extremely harmful. But to rally against Muslims and Islam as if they and it are some monolithic bloc is counterproductive; it creates enemies where we need allies. There are many Muslims who oppose cruelty and violence done in the name of Islam and favor equality for all people, and they are positioned to create change. We should be working with them, not standing against all of Islam. Based on my own experiences, I know that this is a much more constructive approach. In my book Faitheist, I tell several stories about Muslim friends who are not only accepting of my sexual orientation, but are also fierce allies for LGBT equality.
Thats the problem with Gellers advertisements, and with sweeping, generalizing statements about entire groups of people: They dont account for the diversity of ideas and traditions that exist within any given community. Geller focuses on a ridiculously tiny minority of Muslim extremists in order to paint her picture of Islam, and in doing so she neglects to account for the rich and varied traditions of generosity, selflessness, social progress and forgiveness present within Islam. Not only that, but her efforts alienate key allies Muslim and non-Muslim alike who share her concerns about Muslim extremists, but who also recognize that her narrow approach is unfair and dishonest.
Instead of adopting Gellers approach, LGBT people should focus on building relationships. After all, support for marriage equality more than doubles among people who know a gay person. The Pew Research Center reports that of the 14 percent of Americans who changed their mind and decided to support gay marriage in the last decade, 37 percent (the largest category) cited having friends/family/acquaintances who are gay/lesbian as the primary reason. The second largest group in this astounding shift, at 25 percent, said they became more tolerant, learned more and became more aware.
In 2011, I wrote an essay encouraging more cooperation and solidarity between the LGBT community and the Muslim community:
[in 2009], a Gallup poll demonstrated something the LGBTQ community has known for some time: People are significantly more inclined to oppose gay marriage if they do not know anyone who is gay. Similarly, a Time Magazine cover story featured revealing numbers that speak volumes about the correlation between positive relationships and civic support. Per their survey, 46 percent of Americans think Islam is more violent than other faiths and 61 percent oppose Park51, but only 37 percent even know a Muslim American. Another survey, by Pew, reported that 55 percent of Americans know not very much or nothing at all about Islam. The disconnect is clear: When only 37 percent of Americans know a Muslim American, and 55 percent claim to know very little or nothing about Islam, the negative stereotypes about the Muslim community go unchallenged.
The Muslim and LGBTQ communities face common challenges that stem from the same problemthat diverse communities dont have robust and durable civic ties. This is why the Muslim and LGBTQ communities ought to be strong allies.
I continue to believe this, and Gellers work isnt helping. Geller, Spencer, and their supporters are wrong to try to pit the ####### community against Muslims. Their efforts to force a wedge between us and the Muslim community are little more than fear-mongering a tactic that has long been used to keep the LGBT community marginalized and oppressed.
Faisal Alam, a ####### Muslim activist who founded the Al-Fatiha Foundation an organization dedicated to advancing the cause of LGBT Muslims recognizes this intersectionality.
Pamela Gellers attempts to create divisions between LGBT people and Muslim Americans is a losing tactic, said Alam in a recent interview. Muslims who are LGBT stand at the intersections of two marginalized communities. We know firsthand the devastating effects of both homophobia and Islamophobia. And we understand that LGBT and Muslim communities must stand together based on mutual respect and understanding.
In that respect, Geller, Spencer and those who support them seem to have more in common with anti-LGBT fear-mongers than they do with LGBT people and Muslims who are trying to build respect and understanding. Their worldview is more in line with someone like conservative commentator Frank Turek of American Family Radio, who has said that LGBT people and Muslims both hate Western civilization, both hate Judeo-Christian natural law values that our Constitution and particularly our Declaration of Independence were founded on. We should oppose efforts to demonize Muslims as we do those demonizing ####### people, as they ultimately share a common root.
Reza Aslan agrees, and he describes a shift toward greater understanding and cooperation in the Muslim community.
American Muslims young American Muslims in particular are starting to understand that unless they are willing to stand up for all the other oppressed communities in this country, including those discriminated against for their gender or sexuality, then no one will stand up for them, said Aslan. So far from there being a bond between Geller and the oppressed LGBT community, the bond [is] between the LGBT community and American Muslims a community that is facing unprecedented hate and violence in the United States. My hope is that having someone like Pamela Geller trying to create this division will have the opposite effect: That it will bring these two communities, oppressed for different reasons, together to form a bond against all forms of bigotry.
I share in that hope. So instead of donating to Gellers wrongheaded campaign on Indiegogo, I encourage LGBT folks to consider making a donation to Muslims for Progressive Values, which is doing radical work to promote LGBT inclusion.
http://www.salon.com/2013/04/02/stop_trying_to_split_gays_and_muslims/

Long, but a good read. Obligatory but insincere apology for great wall of text.
Stop trying to split gays and Muslims
Anti-Islam crusader Pam Geller's effort to foment hate between the two groups is based on lies and doomed to fail
I have an earnest and sincere question for the LGBT community: Do you support Pamela Geller?
Geller, who is one of the most active proponents of anti-Muslim attitudes in the United States, rose to notoriety as one of the key instigators of the Park51 backlash, misrepresenting a proposed Islamic Community Center (think a YMCA or Jewish Community Center) by calling it the Ground Zero mosque and engaging in dishonest rhetoric and blatant fear-mongering. Her organization, Stop the Islamization of America, was identified as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center, a civil rights organization, alongside extremist groups like the Ku Klux Klan and Nazis. And its earned that label Geller and her allies have dedicated countless hours and millions upon millions of dollars to drum up hatred, fear and xenophobia toward Muslims.
Last week I learned that Geller and one of her biggest allies, Robert Spencer, are hosting a fundraiser for their anti-Muslim advertisements on the website Indiegogo. This disturbed me for a number of reasons, but particularly because Indiegogos terms explicitly prohibit anything promoting hate. (Despite reports from me and many others, Indiegogo has so far declined to remove the fundraiser; if so inclined, you can let them know what you think about that here.)
While I was looking into this, I discovered that Geller recently announced plans to run a series of anti-Muslim advertisements in San Francisco quoting Muslim individuals making anti-LGBT statements. Why? Because members of San Franciscos LGBT community criticized other anti-Muslim ads she has run there.
I tweeted my appreciation that the LGBT community in San Francisco is standing up against her efforts to drive a wedge between LGBT folks and Muslims. Soon after, Geller retweeted me, claiming that she in fact has huge support in Gay community. Immediately, her supporters began to lob insults and even threats at me; Spencer himself suggested that I should be rewarded for supporting Muslims by someone saw[ing] off [my] head. (Meanwhile, though Geller, Spencer and their supporters kept tweeting at me that Muslims hate gays and want to kill me, many Muslim friends and strangers alike tweeted love and support for LGBT equality at me.)
As things settled down, I realized that Geller had stopped responding to me when I requested more information to back up her assertion that she has huge support in Gay community, after the only evidence she provided was a link to a Facebook group with 72 members. Ive since asked her repeatedly for more information, but have not gotten a response.
I couldnt think of a single LGBT person in my life that would support her work, but I didnt want to go off of my own judgment alone. So I started asking around. It wasnt hard to find prominent members of the LGBT community who do not share Gellers views.
The idea that the LGBT community should support Islamophobia is offensive and absurd, said Joseph Ward III, director of Believe Out Loud, an organization that empowers Christians to work for LGBT equality. [American Muslims] are our allies as we share a common struggle to overcome stereotypes and misconceptions in America.
Trying to drive a wedge between the LGBT community and other communities is old, tired and [it] doesnt work, said Ross Murray, director of News and Faith Initiatives for GLAAD. Pitting two communities [like the Muslim and LGBT communities] against one another is an attempt to keep both oppressed. Wedge strategies are offensive and, in the long run, they do not work. Geller is not an LGBT ally shes posing as one because it is convenient to her [anti-Muslim] agenda.
As with any attempts at a wedge, these efforts seek to erase the real and powerful reality of LGBT Muslims and seek to create a false dichotomy: All the LGBT people are non-Muslim/Islamophobic and all the Muslims are straight and homophobic, said Rev. Rebecca Voelkel, program director of the Institute for Welcoming Resources at the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force. Particularly given the oppression, marginalization, hatred and violence visited upon the LGBTQ community, it is critically important that we use our spiritual, communal and political power to speak out against the victimization and vilification of any other community. As a Christian lesbian, I must stand against any attempts to victimize another because of their personhood.
Theres no doubt that theres a great deal of religion-based bigotry against LGBT people, although its hardly limited to Islam. The Hebrew Scriptures also prescribe the death penalty for some homosexual conduct, but you dont typically see people using this to inflame anti-Semitic or anti-Christian sentiment, said John Corvino, author of Whats Wrong With Homosexuality? and coauthor of Debating Same-Sex Marriage. To single out Muslims in this way is both unhelpful and unfair.
Despite her claim, the work of Geller and her colleagues has plenty of opposition in the LGBT community. Why?
For starters, its wrong.
As Junaid Jahangir writes in a recent piece at the Huffington Post, [Gellers] selective references provide a misguided view of the current Muslim position on ####### rights issues. He rightly notes that her advertisements lift up the views of a controversial Muslim cleric, but ignore the over 2,500 Muslim intellectuals from 23 countries [that] not only called for an international treaty to counter such clerics, but also called for a tribunal set by the United Nations Security Council to put them on trial for inciting violence. In his piece, which is a must-read, Jahangir goes on to quote many influential, pro-equality Muslim leaders. Pointing to the activism they are doing to support LGBT rights, he demonstrates that Geller is unfairly and dangerously presenting a skewed picture of Muslim views on LGBT people.
Theres no question that homophobia is rampant among the worlds 1.5 billion Muslims but that doesnt negate the fact that there are huge groups of Muslims who have easily reconciled their faith and sexual orientation, like LGBT people in other faith communities, said Reza Aslan, author of No God but God and Beyond Fundamentalism, in a recent phone interview. For a woman who leads an organization that has been labeled a hate group to try to reach out to a community like the LGBT community, by trying to make a connection based on bigotry, is harmful and ridiculous. Bigotry is not a bridge.
Of course, members of the LGBT community are right to be concerned about the dangers of religious extremism and totalitarianism whether it is Christian, Muslim or any other expression. But demonizing another community wont help reduce the influence of religious fundamentalism.
You can be honest about your disagreements without being hateful. Im a ####### atheist, and I believe that there are ideas and practices promoted by Muslims in the name of Islam that are not only false theyre extremely harmful. But to rally against Muslims and Islam as if they and it are some monolithic bloc is counterproductive; it creates enemies where we need allies. There are many Muslims who oppose cruelty and violence done in the name of Islam and favor equality for all people, and they are positioned to create change. We should be working with them, not standing against all of Islam. Based on my own experiences, I know that this is a much more constructive approach. In my book Faitheist, I tell several stories about Muslim friends who are not only accepting of my sexual orientation, but are also fierce allies for LGBT equality.
Thats the problem with Gellers advertisements, and with sweeping, generalizing statements about entire groups of people: They dont account for the diversity of ideas and traditions that exist within any given community. Geller focuses on a ridiculously tiny minority of Muslim extremists in order to paint her picture of Islam, and in doing so she neglects to account for the rich and varied traditions of generosity, selflessness, social progress and forgiveness present within Islam. Not only that, but her efforts alienate key allies Muslim and non-Muslim alike who share her concerns about Muslim extremists, but who also recognize that her narrow approach is unfair and dishonest.
Instead of adopting Gellers approach, LGBT people should focus on building relationships. After all, support for marriage equality more than doubles among people who know a gay person. The Pew Research Center reports that of the 14 percent of Americans who changed their mind and decided to support gay marriage in the last decade, 37 percent (the largest category) cited having friends/family/acquaintances who are gay/lesbian as the primary reason. The second largest group in this astounding shift, at 25 percent, said they became more tolerant, learned more and became more aware.
In 2011, I wrote an essay encouraging more cooperation and solidarity between the LGBT community and the Muslim community:
[in 2009], a Gallup poll demonstrated something the LGBTQ community has known for some time: People are significantly more inclined to oppose gay marriage if they do not know anyone who is gay. Similarly, a Time Magazine cover story featured revealing numbers that speak volumes about the correlation between positive relationships and civic support. Per their survey, 46 percent of Americans think Islam is more violent than other faiths and 61 percent oppose Park51, but only 37 percent even know a Muslim American. Another survey, by Pew, reported that 55 percent of Americans know not very much or nothing at all about Islam. The disconnect is clear: When only 37 percent of Americans know a Muslim American, and 55 percent claim to know very little or nothing about Islam, the negative stereotypes about the Muslim community go unchallenged.
The Muslim and LGBTQ communities face common challenges that stem from the same problemthat diverse communities dont have robust and durable civic ties. This is why the Muslim and LGBTQ communities ought to be strong allies.
I continue to believe this, and Gellers work isnt helping. Geller, Spencer, and their supporters are wrong to try to pit the ####### community against Muslims. Their efforts to force a wedge between us and the Muslim community are little more than fear-mongering a tactic that has long been used to keep the LGBT community marginalized and oppressed.
Faisal Alam, a ####### Muslim activist who founded the Al-Fatiha Foundation an organization dedicated to advancing the cause of LGBT Muslims recognizes this intersectionality.
Pamela Gellers attempts to create divisions between LGBT people and Muslim Americans is a losing tactic, said Alam in a recent interview. Muslims who are LGBT stand at the intersections of two marginalized communities. We know firsthand the devastating effects of both homophobia and Islamophobia. And we understand that LGBT and Muslim communities must stand together based on mutual respect and understanding.
In that respect, Geller, Spencer and those who support them seem to have more in common with anti-LGBT fear-mongers than they do with LGBT people and Muslims who are trying to build respect and understanding. Their worldview is more in line with someone like conservative commentator Frank Turek of American Family Radio, who has said that LGBT people and Muslims both hate Western civilization, both hate Judeo-Christian natural law values that our Constitution and particularly our Declaration of Independence were founded on. We should oppose efforts to demonize Muslims as we do those demonizing ####### people, as they ultimately share a common root.
Reza Aslan agrees, and he describes a shift toward greater understanding and cooperation in the Muslim community.
American Muslims young American Muslims in particular are starting to understand that unless they are willing to stand up for all the other oppressed communities in this country, including those discriminated against for their gender or sexuality, then no one will stand up for them, said Aslan. So far from there being a bond between Geller and the oppressed LGBT community, the bond [is] between the LGBT community and American Muslims a community that is facing unprecedented hate and violence in the United States. My hope is that having someone like Pamela Geller trying to create this division will have the opposite effect: That it will bring these two communities, oppressed for different reasons, together to form a bond against all forms of bigotry.
I share in that hope. So instead of donating to Gellers wrongheaded campaign on Indiegogo, I encourage LGBT folks to consider making a donation to Muslims for Progressive Values, which is doing radical work to promote LGBT inclusion.
http://www.salon.com/2013/04/02/stop_trying_to_split_gays_and_muslims/

It cannot be stressed enough, in my opinion, to have accurate and detailed knowledge of each other's cultural and personal backgrounds, especially when you're dealing with a not insignificant age gap, and various cultural and religious differences. Depending slightly on how religiously observant the guy is, understanding each other's religious beliefs well beyond "Islam is peace and mercy" is a thing too, in so many American /MENA marriages. It sounds like there's a long, long way to go in establishing a relationship, much less a marriage, and visa stuff on top of that. One step at a time, slow and steady, is where and how people have the best outcomes with these background details and age difference. Relationship wise most importantly, and with visa success.

You are "dating" a man you have yet to meet, Dont have money to visit his country in 3 months from now ( which is a low fare season being Feb) and he cant afford his own plane ticket/visa, Are different religions, already posting doubts about his real intentions towards you and his mother accepts you by just seeing your pic.
Only thing that made any great sense in your original post were your first 6 words.

I'm not sure I understood, did you mean you and your boyfriend have not yet Skyped, or did you mean you and his mother have only talked on the phone and through messenger so far?
Either way, one observation or piece of advice.....the start of a new romance isn't supposed to feel the way you're describing. This is supposed to be the giddy, butterfly phase, not the doubt and second-guessing phase. That should perhaps tell you something.

People are not denied based on personal opinions or whims of consulars or any such nonsense. Not understanding the process, or having very little actual knowledge of the process seems to often fuel that absurd conclusion, but that doesn't make it true. People's real red flags are often embarrassing though, and personal, and it's a whole lot easier to pin blame on consulars than aspects of one's own personal life, or the lives of friends and family. If anything, throughout MENA, even though a couple consulates are some of the most difficult in the world, overall they seem to err on the side of giving a visa in the most absurd of circumstances, rather than denying them. They're far more generous, forgiving, and understanding than they're given credit for here.

To answer your original question, I met my husband when I was still married, but legally separated from my ex and it was a non issue. And to make it clear to all nay-sayers. My now husband is 21 years younger than I am, I have 2 children from a previous marriage, we are different religions, and he is from a MENA country. Today was our 3rd wedding anniversary and he has been in the US more than 2 years. We are living happily ever after. Good luck!

Front loading is great advice. No one thinks Guangzhou is easy. But difficult consulates are all difficult in their own unique and culturally specific context ways. What flies in Guangzhou can be a big red flag in Egypt, that can't be glossed over. I've never seen anyone fretting over USCIS approval, except for a few weird situations where people were trying (always unsuccessfully) to get a waiver for meeting in person first. Getting to Point A is a given in the OP's situation. Front loading is not the end all be all though, which is where NY-BX's advice came in handy.

And your comment was nice?
Perhaps it would be wise not to read "rudeness" into people who are actually trying to be helpful. Pointing out that when it comes to interview questions, a sincere personal story is better than a canned, pre-scripted response for "red flag" issues isn't rude...its actually helpful.
When I started this process I asked my lawyer if we should just try to get my husband a visitor visa and then get married while he was here in the US. She very quickly responded to me "Well that would be fraud, and if USCIS realize you did that intentionally, he could get banned for 10+ years...bad idea!" But guess what, because we weren't trying to commit fraud, I didn't take it personal. I didn't get angry and accuse her of being "disgustingly RUDE" because she mentioned the word "fraud." I didn't feel threatened because I knew it wasn't fraud. I actually appreciated the info and we moved forward successfully.
No need to create drama with accusations. Romet is a big boy - he can stand up for himself (an did) - and we all wish him and his fiance the best. And I stand by my first recommendation. Worry about correctly compiling all the evidence you have to submit. For genuine relationships, the interview is a breeze.

You don't know what your "red flags" are and there are far more than you believe. It's not just the age difference, the secrecy from your family, the religious differences, and the pile you already know about.
But you keep on, knowing everything, and trying to find work-arounds. Let us know how that works out for you.

SUGARCOATING red flags at notoriously DIFFICULT consulates doesn't help anyone. SCRUTINY sure can though. Effective help here is of a scrutinizing, analytic sort. No one made any accusations of fraud or untoward behavior by this couple. People are stating how their story comes across to them, not to be bltchy, but to highlight what stands out as suspect, from an interviewing officer's POV. If they want an amen corner there's plenty of that sort of thing in facebook groups and stuff.
OP, I would highly recommend against private messaging about visa matters, no matter how nice or informed that person may seem. Inaccurate, mistaken, and potentially disastrous bad info gets spread more easily that way.