lazylivn

I'm back on the forum. We're going through the lifting conditions process. As always life is a rollercoater.. lol. I'm surprised I'm not seeing as many Jordanians around as I used to.

I did a search and didn't see it posted anywhere....and I know I'm always looking for a great resource for recipes that I can cook for Sehrab.

www.dedemed.com

http://www.youtube.com/user/dedemed

The recipes are presented in a user friendly format accompanied with video. She's Lebanese but living in USA..so no need to try to take an arabic recipe and figure out what that is here in the USA. Sehrab is going to try his hand at Kanafeh today while I'm at work. Happy eating!!

I'm Maggie, married to Sehrab. He's from Zarqa and arrived in the usa April 2008. We are currently living in NC about 30 min south of Charlotte. I'm working as a paraprofessional in community support and he finally found work as a painter. I have 3 children from a previous marriage- 18, 12, 9.

Not really new here, haven't posted much and just pop in from time to time now.

Can abuse ever mean the abuser loves the abused?

Can abuse be cultural? And if so is that an excuse or a reason?

Can abuse ever be put behind in a relationship after one time? How about after the 20th time?

Lastly if you know someone who was ever abused, can you share how this person was able to free him or herself from the situation?

Here's my take on this.

Can abuse ever mean the abuser loves the abused? Yes the abuser can love the abused. When you punish your children (by taking away privileges, grounding, and dare I say spanking) does it mean you don't love your children? In some cultures women are seen as being less than a man, having half minds and it's the man's responsibility to show his woman how to behave or teach her the correct way to be in life. If she behaves culturally unacceptable not only is she thought badly of, but her husband is thought of badly.

Does the abuser always love the abused?.......NO, just like anything else each person is different. Some abusers have anger management problems, some have control issues, some simply don't think of their woman or wife as a real person..she is just something that belongs to him, something he owns. These men are in every culture, every income bracket, every religion, they come in all ages.

Can abuse be cultural? Yes it can. What we see as abuse another culture may see as discipline. I think it's a case of nature vs nurture.

You can take a person here, raised in our culture...Hitting a woman is bad and even if he has problems controlling his temper he is pressured by our society to not resort to physical violence. If he does he suffers consequences such as social stigma and/or repercussions from law enforcement.

On the other side you take a person who is raised to believe that hitting your woman is a form of discipline and you do it to teach her to be a better person or as punishment when she misbehaves. Teach her lessons on how to be in life. This person even though he doesn't normally have those tendencies can and sometimes do resort to physical "discipline". It is viewed as his responsibility and if his woman acts outside of what's expected of her he would be ridiculed/shamed for not being a man and teaching his woman the correct way to behave. Same thinking that we have when we see children running amok at the store and the parents appearing to do nothing to reign them in. Do you think nicely of the parents?

Can abuse ever be put behind in a relationship after one time? How about after the 20th time? Yes I believe it can. Both parties have to agree on what constitutes abuse. I don't think it's easy....change is never easy. First you have to identify what triggers the abuse (cultural, anger management problems, etc..) then work to resolve those issues. Then together you need to form strategies to change the behavior (the abusers responses to triggers) I believe that depending on the severity of the case and the length of time it's gone on, a mediator may need to be used (therapist, pastor, support group) in order to accomplish change. The situation isn't going to change just because the abuser says sorry and it will never happen again. Plans need to be made, have strategies to utilize in order to redirect abusive behavior into a positive interaction. Practice recognizing triggers, have a safe place for both parties to withdraw to, build a support group around yourselves.

Lastly if you know someone who was ever abused, can you share how this person was able to free him or herself from the situation? It's not easy for someone to get away from an abusive relationship. You don't go from absolutely no problems straight to being black and blue from head to toe. If that was the case, most abusive relationships would end quickly instead of dragging on for years and years. It starts with alienation from certain friends, then that grows to include all friends, then quickly encompasses family. It starts with the abuser gaining control of you, little by little. Before you know it, you find yourself in a bad situation with no support and no resources. You end up with feelings of low self worth, maybe depressed, and shame for letting yourself get into this situation. And you become compliant with the abuse because at some point you begin to fear the unknown, the fear of change even if it's for the better.

If you suspect or know someone is being abused and you want to help them?

1.) Be their friend- This person is going to try to push you away or the abuser will try to alienate you from them. I'm not saying force yourself on them, but let them know your available. Even if not on a regular basis, make an attempt to stay in touch with the person being abused, even if it's as simple as a "hello, how ya doing?" once in awhile. One day you may be their lifeline.

2.) Don't be judgmental- Fear of the abuser isn't the only reason the abused has trouble getting out of an abusive relationship...shame and fear of being ridiculed for letting the abuse continue can be a big deterrent to a person from seeking help. I understand that you feel that you would never allow yourself to fall under abusive circumstances, but the truth is you never know how your going to react to a situation until you've experienced it. By taking the stance that you would never allow that to happen to you, you are building a wall between you and the person your wanting to help because that can be construed as a statement that you believe your somewhat better than them, stronger than them, smarter than them. It doesn't encourage them to come to you and admit or confide that they are being abused.

3.) Be supportive and don't place conditions on your support- Most abused people will return to the abusive relationship at least initially and most likely many different times before they feel confident enough to leave for good. If you make ultimatums you are helping the abuser alienate you from the person being abused. It's okay to tell the abused person you don't agree with their choices but the way it's phrased can make all the difference. It's much better to say, I don't agree with your decision or I don't understand where your coming from on this issue but I'm here to help you no matter what you decide. It really doesn't help to say your mad at them for going back, or they are stupid for going back, or if you go back this is the last time I will help you, because when they do finally decide they need help, I guarantee you that you will be the last person they ask.

I was abused off and on as a child, by parents and various step parents that came and went from my life. As an adult I've been in mentally and physically abusive relationships. In one relationship I was up and gone in a flash, first sign of abuse and I was out of there...Later, In another relationship I rationalized it, stayed hoping for better, I feared to admit that I was being abused because I had shame for allowing that to happen to myself, I felt stupid, I felt weak. I had alienated all family and friends, I had no support system and I was unaware of my resources. I was afraid of change, didn't think I could make it on my own.

What made one abusive relationship unacceptable and the other acceptable to me? fear? pride? Truth is, I don't know. Point is I used to be one of those people who said I would NEVER allow myself to be in an abusive situtation again even more so since I had an abusive childhood, and when I found myself there as an adult, I felt so much shame, I felt stupid, I didn't want anyone to know. I was prideful in myself, in my strength, in my self confidence and that helped my abuser to lock me in, made it hard for me to ask for help.

That's my two cents.

Nice to see you

Well, I wonder why that changed/changes? Do you think its the stress of everything changing around them?

Anyway, Im glad to hear you are doing well and working through everything

Yes I think that's exactly it. He come here and nothing is like he's used to, nothing was like he thought it was going to be. He's had nothing even resembling a routine in his life since he's been here. For awhile he was having trouble adjusting to even little changes..i.e We would plan on going to the bank then the store when I got home from work....I would call him cause something came up at work and tell him I was going to be late, I'll stop by the bank on the way home before they close and come get you to go to the store. His response was....but you told me.....we had planned.....why are you always changing plans on me? This was an extreme example of it, but it has happened. He had gotten to the point where he was unable to even accept a small change to what he wanted or expected. Things are much better now that he's had some time to adjust but still I'm careful about upsetting the routine or changing plans without too much warning. I'm a go with the flo kind of person...I'm used to always adjusting my plans depending on how the day is going. I really don't need much routine other than a normal sleep pattern. It works well and in my work I need to be like that.

great post!!! I haven't met you before but you really seem to understand the things we should hear. I've learned already to grow a thick skin and a sense of humor from both the military and retail management but it came as a sting when he would say things without "sugar coating" it. I am learning and it is all part of the process about learning about eachother more.

I have found if I am clear with what I need he will do it but hinting is not a good thing they just don't pick up on it nor sarcasim not sure if that is the culture or my husband but.... all part of learning

Yes I agree with this, hinting and sarcasm go completely over his head. I've had to learn to be direct, in a nice respectful way of course.

be open minded and listen to my side as well as his willingness to compromise.

I think thats the key to solve 99% of any issue that arises.

That is absolutely true. In my situtation, he was very open minded and adjusted to change easily.....when he was in Jordan. Here in the USA it's a completely different story.

Hello all, Just thought I'd stop by and check in. Sehrab got his 2 year green card last week. He'll be here a year April 4....how's that for speed? haha.

First year for us has had more downs than ups. We almost broke a few times. The people that tell you the first year is the hardest wasn't lying. Sometimes that was the only thing I had to hold on to.

Here's what I learned this past year, this may apply to some, it may not:

Simple misunderstandings- Some of the ways he phrased things sounded hurtful and it's hard to remember that he may not mean it the way it sounded when your feelings are hurt. Even when I would say something he would misunderstand and take it the wrong way. I've seen it happen and I've known it was happening but been unable to straighten it out.

Thinking like your still single- He lived a long time as a single man in him mom's home and even though I was married before for 16 years I had lived my entire life like I was single. Give yourselves some time to adjust...my mistake was I let my insecurities take hold at times. Little things like letting him know when I was leaving, or talking with him before I made a big purchase...for him it was learning to compromise and learning what the differences were as far as his responsiblities toward a wife vs a mother.

Respect- I've heard way to much that I'm not respecting him. Simple things I say or do. Ways he expects me to act. I think he's still reeling from culture shock and learning that he took much about his interactions with women in Jordan for granted. I can't think of an example right now, but you'll see what I'm talking about once he gets here.

Life is not like the movies- I tried to prepare my husband for what it was like here and he really felt like he had an understanding. He admits now that he thought life here was more like what he seen in our movies. He had to come here, live here in order to see what America is truly like. He's learning about racism and the diversity of culture we have here. He was so surprised to learn how spanish is our second language and often commented on how everything was offered in both english and spanish. He also gets upset when he's mistaken for being hispanic and people have no idea where Jordan is or that it's even another country.

Don't spend too much time thinking about what it's going to be like once he's here- Most things we had planned and worked out were defunct once he got here. I think it's normal for people to make plans on being a different person once they are in a different environment, but reality is changing location doesn't change who we are or how we think. I find myself compromising and doing things more the Jordanian way than the American way....nothing big or bad just not the way I'm used to it.

Chatting- Let's face it...we met them online and for most of us we see them online every single free minute. Don't expect that to change, at least not at first. They are sitting home all day while you go to work, homesick, feeling disconnected from everyone they knew...They are still going to chat. We've had many fights about that....I didn't appreciate some of the rooms he was going to or the way the conversation went (but that goes back to thinking like a single person again for him and realizing he had a wife to respect).

Domineering and Controlling- Many times he would insist something had to be done a certain way and I seen him as being domineering and trying to control me. I've realized that for us....that was mostly about him trying to feel he was the man of the house. It's not easy coming here and suddenly your relying on your wife (a woman) for every little thing you need. My husband was and still is somewhat very frustrated by the amount of time it took him to get his work authorization and he's still looking for work even now. So in some ways he overcompensated his other roles as husband and man of the house.

And my insecurities has been the biggest hurdle. I've had trust issues anyway from my marriage before. Then the nagging little questions "did he just want the green card?" I found myself escalating things, pushing him away just to see if he would leave, and you know what? A couple of times he almost did. I'm learning to walk away, calm down, think about what I want to say before I say it and he's learning that I'm not going to approach him the perfect way every time and sometimes I have my moods just like he does. Also...your going to be under increased stress while your adjusting to each other.

He's done some horrible things to me, and I've done some horrible things to him. BUT it's getting better and we are stronger for it.

I'm not saying that this applies or will apply to everyone in our situation. I just want the ones this does apply to know that it can get better....

Here's hoping for a great second year.

ok im a new member and learning about the whole K-1 visa thing as i go along . there was sooooo much I did not know (wow!) .but please , can somebody (preferably a woman ) tell me do the woman have to earn as much income as the men (which can be somewhat difficult to obtain)? or are mostly all of the women on this site trying to get their men here well-off or just got it like that (rich)!?! really need some encouraging words right now , fiance' and I are in the beginning phase .Thanks guys!!!

I was on government assistance (I'm not now...woooohoooo) when we started our journey. We got a sponsor and it went very well for us.

This was my experience. They didn't want to give my husband his social security number either. Said he didn't qualify. I had that memo printed showing he did and gently nudged them to check it, see if it was current or had changed. After waiting another 30 minutes while they called around to find out for sure....he was able to get it.

That is simply not true, not for K1s. See the document in my signature. They also should not have required you to show proof of immigration status for a simple name change. Obviously the people in your local SSA office don't know what they're doing.

You do need to wait at least 10 days after entry before applying so that they can confirm your immigration status. It is probably best to have applied for it before your marriage - but only because their own rules seem to confuse them.

But since you are now married, I'd go apply for it anyway, and print out the document in my signature. There is 'no reason you cannot have your SSN as a K1 after your marriage. The fact that they often times don't know (or don't understand) their own rules isn't your problem!

NVC documents (Visa application, AOS, submitted documents) are processed on the USA end. The last step is they assign an appointment - then the only fees due in Jordan once your case makes its way there (AFTER NVC approval) is the medical exam fee (about $50.00.)

No fees are due when you walk in the door to the appointment. ( Erm, Amman's an appointment post. You pay the visa fee before Amman even deals with you / touches your case. )

So - everything's done beforehand.

Don't even need to pay for parking - it's free.

Just gotta walk past that creepy LAV & MG watchtower out front ... that's about it.

Ok, cool..... so my fiance only has to worry about the approximately $50.00 fee for the medical exam.....?

For K-1, the visa fee is $131. How and when you pay it depends on the embassy you will have your interview at.

Now, I'm a little confused. Is that $131 may-be paid at the embassy at the interview date?

Perhaps KyanWan's response was for those with the CR-1/IR-1?? We're on the K-1 path....

Once again, thanks for your guidance

For K-1 you pay the $131 to the bank (cairo bank I think) before the interview. You take receipt to interview with you.

Just popping on to let you know....Sehrab arrived Thursday night and we got married on Monday. woooohooo. So on to the next step..lol.

Hi all, hope your having a good morning and a good week. Just wanted to drop in and let you know that we got married on Monday

Since he's been here we have been in a whirlwind, seems like we have had 1000 things to do everyday. I'm exhausted..lol.

My friend was in town the week he came and we dropped her off at the airport sunday night. Let me tell you...I was so relieved to see her go. She was so rude to him when she was here. He would go out to sit and talk to her and she would get up and go lay down in the other room. I don't think she said two words to him the entire time. She spent most of her visit with her nose in the computer ignoring everyone around her. ::::sigh:::: I didn't expect that from her.

His stomach has been bothering him and we think he may be getting the flu. He's having trouble adjusting to all the seasonings in the food here, so plan for rest of the week is to cook stuff that is very bland for him. So far I've taken him for a walk in downtown Charlotte. He's so funny...he takes two pictures of the same thing just in case the first one isn't good..lol. He enjoyed the trip to Concord and walking through the big outlet mall there. He's amazed at the size of everything and the amount of choices we have to pick from. I think he's still feeling overwelmed by it all.

Well that's all from me for now...I'm thinking I'll go work today just so I can get some rest..lol.

Congratulations to all those who have received their visa's...I pray for a swift reunion.

Good luck to those with upcoming interviews....just take a deep breath..I hope that it happens for you like it did for me...moves at lightening speed after the interview.

Welcome to VJ.

Good morning. I thought I'd pop on for a min before I went back to bed to give an update. Sehrab made it safe. His flight was late getting into Charlotte and we didn't get home till almost 2 am. ::yawn:: Im tired. Kids almost didn't make it to school this morning, I slept through the alarms...lol. I can not even begin to describe what it was like to see him in the airport. We stopped at Walmart on the way home because he wanted junk food, but he was so overwelmed by all the choices we have that he ended up with just two cans of pringles..lol.

He had no trouble getting through POE Chicago O'hare. The immigration guy just took his envelope, opened it, then let him through. Didn't even ask him any questions.

Where he did have trouble was on the domestic flight side. He couldn't get past the metal detector (jewelry, belt...who knows) and the guy pulled him to the side and questioned him. Questions about me...how did we meet? how long we've known each other?, My address, my phone number. Questions about him....they took his address and phone number in Jordan. All in all they didn't detain him for a very long time.

I think him and I will sleep most of the day. I'm so glad I took the day off. I'm exhausted...lol. I'll post a review of the POE in the next few days.

God bless everyone still waiting. I continue to pray that you'll have a fast reunion.

I know how your feeling with the guilt. His mom is 73 and this is her first child to leave so far from home. She's been crying all week. Just about every member of his family has gotten on the phone to tell me...Sehrab from my heart..which is there way of saying please take care of him.

He didn't leave himself much time to linger with them at the airport and I think that made it easier on him to leave. Not as much building up about him leaving while they are sitting waiting. Still his mom is having the toughest time...he's the baby of the family and the one she always relies on to help her. I've worked it out where he is just a phone call away from them and vise versa, I'm hoping that eases things and makes her feel better. I expect them to be on the phone all the time...at least for awhile.

I am climbing the walls. I'm not getting any work done He's 7 hours from Chicago....so halfway across the big blue ocean. Someone come make me do my work

Just checking in to let you know....HE"S ON HIS WAY!! He'll be in my city at 11:55PM tonight...woooohooooo.

Well all frustration aside since red beer gives you wings son't drink and type!

But Have a Happy Thursday Anyways!

Good morning. I can't sleep, was going to sign on and start a thursday thread but you beat me to it. Hahahaha. I just got off the phone with Sehrab...they was loading the plane....HE'S ON HIS WAY. I think this will be the longest day ever for me.

He'll be in my city at 11:55pm tonight.

Good Luck!!

Good Morning!!! I'm in for a great week. In about an hour I'll be picking my best friend of 20+ years from the airport and Sehrab will be here at 11:55pm on Thursday. wooooohooooooo!!!!

Hope everyone is having a great day!!

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1. My fiance lives in North Carolina..he works as high school teacher I think he currently earning about $20,000..is it eough income

?

* I have settle down Australia for quite some time and it is scariest thing to move to overseas again..I am especially, frighten about getting a driving license. And possibility of racism since my fiancé lives sunburn where low percentage of Asian people lives…

You just need to be at 125% in the federal poverty income guidelines for his household size. If it's just you and him, then look for household size of 2. http://travel.state.gov/visa/immigrants/info/info_1327.html

I'm don't know the answers to your other questions. I'm living in North Carolina too. Don't worry about the racism too much. Idiots live everywhere.

Welcome to Visajourney!!

Caturday is almost over but I found this and I wanted to share. Onward in my quest to be nonproductive.....