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What other options do you have? Can you reconcile, go through therapy then decide? Are you the bene? Yes, what type of visa do you have? No, even better for you, although that is not apparent right now in either scenario. Best of luck with your decision. Love does hurt and it CAN take time to move on, I know, but in the end it may be the best outcome for both. Think about your future.
Yep, he’s a loser for sure!
Along with the other 11,300,000 unemployed losers (ww.bls.gov/news.release/pdf/empsit.pdf) or oops, I forgot—we can’t really trust what the government tells us. CNN puts the number at 86,000,000 losers.
(See: http://money.cnn.com/2012/05/03/news/economy/unemployment-rate/)
In America when a person is unemployed the person collects unemployment benefits. If the person is not eligible (perhaps they had not had the job long enough) voila—they are magically “employed” (statistically). Once a person has exhausted his or her unemployment benefits—again,like magic—they become employed (according to statistics).
In short, America is absolutely full of unemployed persons who over time become more and more discouraged. He is one of them.
To say this fella is a loser is cruel. There is no other word.
We don’t know his story. Perhaps he had a job and lost it. Perhaps he was like me (I’m unemployed) and optimistic—a year or two ago. But optimism does not create jobs.
My guess is that the problem can be summed up in one word: depression. I’ll bet that he’s worn down and depressed. This occurred by the millions during the Great Depression of the 1920-1930’s. Men abandoned families frequently rather than face the bleak reality that there were NO jobs anywhere. Now, it’s not that bad today—but it is bad for some.
My advice to her would depend largely upon her skills. If she speaks English poorly, and does not have an education equivalent to high school, it will be a hard road for her. If she speaks English well and has high school skills—she’s been here long enough to be able to work. (If not, perhaps discussing this as an option will lead to her being able to work in the US)
So my advice would be to go and get a job at McD’s or equivalent. They are always desperate for employees—or stocking grocery shelves, or working independently as a cleaning service. Anything is fine--$7/hour or $8 per hour is fine—it’s a start. Find a nursing home and obtain work as a CNA (Nurses Assistant) here in NH there are many large places who will train a person for free—here wages rise quickly to $12-$14. Use that as a jumping stone and become an LPN (nurse) and voila wages rise to $17=hour—use that as a jumping point to an RN—voila! Now she’s making $24+/hour. (If she's not yet empowered to work maybe telling him that she is willing to do so will keep the relationship together until she can work.)
She’s here—she’s empowered to start earning so consider trying that. Living with mom does not need to be a negative thing it reduces the bills. As a matter of fact, culturally she is less likely to mind that than he.
This will not fix things totally but it may offer him hope and it may give him time to find a job—anything, part-time is ok.
There is a syndrome that afflicts America and it goes like this:
You’re unemployed—that’s ok.
You’re unemployed for more than a year—that’s not ok, now you’re a loser. (He is likely in this category)
I’m not being facetious here. Many, many temp agencies will simply not hire a person if they have been out of the labor force for more than one year. This leads to a plethora of “no job available for you” responses. Often this affects men more than women as women are often more willing to find/learn new skills. Often men faced with finding that no temp agency (often the only good source of jobs) will hire them become depressed and drop out.
The answer is simple. The man must work at some job—any job—part time or full time for six months to be able to go back to a temp agency (about the only place where there are full time jobs) who will now hire them. This may be his only option, and her working earning some income could be the catalyst that gets him back on his feet (along with the relationship).
A couple is a team so I’d suggest that she act like part of a team and try to figure out how to create some cash flow—any will likely improve things.
It would be a terrible thing for her culturally to have to go back to the Philippines and probably terrible to divorce (divorce is unacceptable to most Filipinas).
It’s a difficult situation but one that literally affecting millions of couples since finances is the number one source of contention within marriages.
(See: http://www.dailyjournal.net/view/local_story/Study-Money-is-top-source-of-c_1369177022/)
Nah, he’s not a loser—he’s just depressed and she, like myself, and like millions of other Americans are in the same boat.
Note: Every community has GED (General Education Degree) courses—they are generally free and usually they include English tutoring if necessary.
If you can not talk it out as a couple should, PLEASE consider seeing a marriage therapist before something really negative occurs. I can tell you that I am a USC(this is a new profile for many reasons) with a wife from Peru that could say the same about me, but the truth is there are two sides to the story and I will not bore you with my details. At this point I made the one very CRITICAL mistake to buy her a ticket back home out of pure frustration, anger, confusion, immaturity one night. I will say I tried, tried to communicate, meet halfway with her to discuss our differences, but after 3+ weeks of arguments for more than 10 of those 21 days I exploded and bought her the ticket back home. May I have approached it the wrong way possibly, but I honestly tried to resolve our issues calmly between us. Well she did not go home and is still in the USA. I am trying to open the communications, but I KNOW it will be almost impossible after the disappointment of buying her that ticket.
So, all I can say as I looked back on everything that was happening, yes I knew the changes would be very difficult for her, it could take a year, 2 maybe longer to adapt, but I did expect(another err on my part) that she would be more willing to discuss our differences. If needed agree to disagree, meet halfway, but instead she would shut down and not talk to me. The worse part is she would talk to her friends about our situation.
In the end, I really wish we had gone to some therapy to work on our differences before I took that critical, grave step. So, I'd suggest that if anything see a therapist. Then again it is up to the two of you where you go. God Bless!