Debbiela2013

Thank you for rubbing salt on my wounds. I pray no one close to you have the same experience I had. God bless you.

Thank you for rubbing salt on my wounds. I pray no one close to you have the same experience I had. God bless you.

Thank you for rubbing salt on my wounds. I pray no one close to you have the same experience I had. God bless you.

Hello Everyone,
I have been a visa journey member for years but I have to create another user name in order to share my story maybe it will help someone out there who is either going through the same thing or is about to go through same.
I met my husband online at a christian website, we are from the same country but I am the USC while he is from Nigeria. We dated long distance for about a year plus 2007 - 2009, chatting on yahoo, phone chats everyday. He did everything to convince me of how much he loves me and how much he wants us to get married and have children together. He even told me how he will get me pregnant anytime I visit Nigeria, a few months after we started chatting online, he went to see my older brother to ask for my hand in marriage. My brother informed him that he can't grant such request because I still need to come home and see him and if I like what I see then we can proceed from there.
I eventually visited Nigeria early 2009 and we met, my mind was a little disturbed when at our first meeting, he just merely walked away when he saw me come out of the Arrival Lounge, but I shrugged it away to shyness and that he wanted to give me some privacy with my sister who came to welcome me at the airport. We eventually reconnected in the car while on the way to his place where I will be spending two weeks as previously arranged. While staying with him, I noticed he didn't want to go out with me, always telling me he is going to work after telling me on the phone before I arrived that he will be taking some time off from work to spend with me when I visited. To cut a long story short, I ended up getting a few pictures of both us and I came back to the States and started his K1 visa processing and to the glory of God, he joined me 6 months later. I funded all these from my little savings with the notion that when things start working out for him, he will remember and appreciate all I did for him. We got married exactly a week after he arrived, this was done because I didn't want him languishing at home for months while waiting for his EA or GC and I started the AOS immediately so he was able to get his EA and conditional GC three months after our wedding.
I also assisted with him getting a job [where he still is]. I made a few calls to my contacts and he was told to apply for the position but he was unable to answer the assessment questions correctly so I took a day off work and sat on the computer and filled out another application after which I called my contact in the company who called him for an interview, training and he started working. My nightmare started on my wedding night, we never made love before our wedding because we wanted to start on a right foundation, so I was looking forward to my wedding night and subsequent honeymoon nights but to my shock, he spent all week sleeping and nothing I did could arouse him. I shrugged it away that he might be tired since he is still trying to adjust to the weather [winter] but as months passed, it was the same story, it was either I am too tired, or sick, my back hurts [when he started working] and when he eventually came around to it, it was either once a month or once in two months until it became once in 2 years.
I got married in order to have children in a two parent household and not be a single parent [apologies to single parents] but I found out he knew when my safe periods were and that was when we will make love and that will be it for the next couple of months if I am lucky. As a good christian woman, I did everything to please him, once in a while my frustrations showed up in anger outbursts but never physical and I said a few things to him in anger. I am not going to play a victim here because I had my own issues with anger but I did try to reason with him, asked him if there was a medical problem, took him for massages, shopping, dinners, bought him clothes, cooked his favorite foods etc. Anything to get him to find me attractive but all to no avail. I even walked naked from the bathroom to the bedroom thinking that will get him aroused but he closes his eyes until I am fully dressed, wore victoria secret lingeries but nothing. I got my pastors involved and a couple of his friends but nothing changed. In the midst of all these, I assisted him in filing for his ten year GC which he received without an interview. I brought all the paperwork needed because he never put my name on any document related to him. We were merely living together as room mates at this point, I did this because I thought he will come around and things will change between us [i guess i was living on fantasy island].
Early this year, I found out he was sexting and chatting with other women online and on telephone calls and I accosted him with my findings, he decided to give me the silent treatment ever since. I also found out he started filing for Citizenship without my knowledge and due to the frustrations and anger I wrote a letter to the Immigration and Naturalization services and they denied his petition. By this time I had already moved out of the apartment for my peace of mind and to prevent myself from harming him due to frustration and a wounded heart.
Now I am out of the apartment, he also moved out to God knows where and the only way we have been corresponding via text messages because he refused to talk to me.
My Question: What should I do now? I am back to square one, no husband, no child and I feel so alone despite people around me. Someone please learn from my story, when you see red flags, don't think he will change, run, run run for your dear life because a broken engagement is better than a broken marriage.

That is completely inappropriate and nosy.
Not everyone has sex before they're married.

This is not the place to tell people what their mistakes were in regards to having or not having sex.
That's none of your business. You can have sex before marriage if you want, OP can not have sex if they don't want.

Word.

Why should the OP compromise her convictions about her belief in order to ease her mind that he is genuine ?

Besides, he agreed to it for religeous purposes and she believed he was sincere.
Had she insisted on going the final step with him then what do you think he would have done ? Ran away ?
He would have obliged and agreed in order to not lose her so he could have continued the game of deceit.
Furthermore, if a scammer has no morals to scam someone then why would he promise "his other woman waiting in the shadows" not to have sex with his petitioner ?
He will do what it takes and use the means to the end whatever that happens to be.
Having sex or not having sex is a personal choice, not a yard stick to measure sincerity with. There are plenty of other things to find out if someone is sincere than sex.
Sometimes we see it, sometimes we don't. That is for all relationships, even USC with USC.
The OP would have really lowered her standards had she "used sex" to test him like that when it is something special for her after marriage.
I admire the OP for standing by her convictions. She did the right thing.

Several people had sex before getting married and they were scammed anyway then please let's stop with this bs that the person needs to have sex before marriage to find out if the guy is a scammer or not. If we have to measure love using sex then this world is completely lost.

Hello Everyone,
I have been a visa journey member for years but I have to create another user name in order to share my story maybe it will help someone out there who is either going through the same thing or is about to go through same.
I met my husband online at a christian website, we are from the same country but I am the USC while he is from Nigeria. We dated long distance for about a year plus 2007 - 2009, chatting on yahoo, phone chats everyday. He did everything to convince me of how much he loves me and how much he wants us to get married and have children together. He even told me how he will get me pregnant anytime I visit Nigeria, a few months after we started chatting online, he went to see my older brother to ask for my hand in marriage. My brother informed him that he can't grant such request because I still need to come home and see him and if I like what I see then we can proceed from there.
I eventually visited Nigeria early 2009 and we met, my mind was a little disturbed when at our first meeting, he just merely walked away when he saw me come out of the Arrival Lounge, but I shrugged it away to shyness and that he wanted to give me some privacy with my sister who came to welcome me at the airport. We eventually reconnected in the car while on the way to his place where I will be spending two weeks as previously arranged. While staying with him, I noticed he didn't want to go out with me, always telling me he is going to work after telling me on the phone before I arrived that he will be taking some time off from work to spend with me when I visited. To cut a long story short, I ended up getting a few pictures of both us and I came back to the States and started his K1 visa processing and to the glory of God, he joined me 6 months later. I funded all these from my little savings with the notion that when things start working out for him, he will remember and appreciate all I did for him. We got married exactly a week after he arrived, this was done because I didn't want him languishing at home for months while waiting for his EA or GC and I started the AOS immediately so he was able to get his EA and conditional GC three months after our wedding.
I also assisted with him getting a job [where he still is]. I made a few calls to my contacts and he was told to apply for the position but he was unable to answer the assessment questions correctly so I took a day off work and sat on the computer and filled out another application after which I called my contact in the company who called him for an interview, training and he started working. My nightmare started on my wedding night, we never made love before our wedding because we wanted to start on a right foundation, so I was looking forward to my wedding night and subsequent honeymoon nights but to my shock, he spent all week sleeping and nothing I did could arouse him. I shrugged it away that he might be tired since he is still trying to adjust to the weather [winter] but as months passed, it was the same story, it was either I am too tired, or sick, my back hurts [when he started working] and when he eventually came around to it, it was either once a month or once in two months until it became once in 2 years.
I got married in order to have children in a two parent household and not be a single parent [apologies to single parents] but I found out he knew when my safe periods were and that was when we will make love and that will be it for the next couple of months if I am lucky. As a good christian woman, I did everything to please him, once in a while my frustrations showed up in anger outbursts but never physical and I said a few things to him in anger. I am not going to play a victim here because I had my own issues with anger but I did try to reason with him, asked him if there was a medical problem, took him for massages, shopping, dinners, bought him clothes, cooked his favorite foods etc. Anything to get him to find me attractive but all to no avail. I even walked naked from the bathroom to the bedroom thinking that will get him aroused but he closes his eyes until I am fully dressed, wore victoria secret lingeries but nothing. I got my pastors involved and a couple of his friends but nothing changed. In the midst of all these, I assisted him in filing for his ten year GC which he received without an interview. I brought all the paperwork needed because he never put my name on any document related to him. We were merely living together as room mates at this point, I did this because I thought he will come around and things will change between us [i guess i was living on fantasy island].
Early this year, I found out he was sexting and chatting with other women online and on telephone calls and I accosted him with my findings, he decided to give me the silent treatment ever since. I also found out he started filing for Citizenship without my knowledge and due to the frustrations and anger I wrote a letter to the Immigration and Naturalization services and they denied his petition. By this time I had already moved out of the apartment for my peace of mind and to prevent myself from harming him due to frustration and a wounded heart.
Now I am out of the apartment, he also moved out to God knows where and the only way we have been corresponding via text messages because he refused to talk to me.
My Question: What should I do now? I am back to square one, no husband, no child and I feel so alone despite people around me. Someone please learn from my story, when you see red flags, don't think he will change, run, run run for your dear life because a broken engagement is better than a broken marriage.

Thank you for rubbing salt on my wounds. I pray no one close to you have the same experience I had. God bless you.

Everyone,
Thanks for your kind and encouraging words. I am seeing a therapist next week, have updated my address with USCIS, not filing for a divorce yet, picking up the pieces one day at a time. I shared my story because I read about someone here whose fiance is foot dragging on signing the necessary papers needed for her to start their process and she is not seeing the red flags right between her eyes. I am hoping she reads my story and remove the blinders and move on with her life.
I do appreciate everyone who is truly in love and enjoying their marriage and as souleyman said it's not just a cultural difference that breaks a marriage, other things are involved. Thanks to the moderator who removed the obnoxious person who was obviously is intoxicated or just plain inhuman. I wrote to the USCIS to state my case and let me know he is not deserving of a 3 year citizenship, I didn't ask for him to be deported or reported the marriage as a fraud and for once they agreed with me and denied his citizenship petition. If that was revenge, it was not my intention.
I know God has a plan and in due time, He will reveal it, everything happens in life for a reason and while we might not understand why it's happening to us, in due time all will be reveal and purpose will be known. I have already forgiven him and I am moving on but need to alert others to things we otherwise ignore in the name of love. As someone said earlier "The worst people to advice are those in the throes of passion".
For everyone who is praying for me, thank you so much. I truly need that right now. Never thought this will happen to me in a million years but like I said, God has a purpose. Once again, thanks everyone and if you have a story to share to bless everyone please do share, you could be saving a soul.

Everyone,
Thanks for your kind and encouraging words. I am seeing a therapist next week, have updated my address with USCIS, not filing for a divorce yet, picking up the pieces one day at a time. I shared my story because I read about someone here whose fiance is foot dragging on signing the necessary papers needed for her to start their process and she is not seeing the red flags right between her eyes. I am hoping she reads my story and remove the blinders and move on with her life.
I do appreciate everyone who is truly in love and enjoying their marriage and as souleyman said it's not just a cultural difference that breaks a marriage, other things are involved. Thanks to the moderator who removed the obnoxious person who was obviously is intoxicated or just plain inhuman. I wrote to the USCIS to state my case and let me know he is not deserving of a 3 year citizenship, I didn't ask for him to be deported or reported the marriage as a fraud and for once they agreed with me and denied his citizenship petition. If that was revenge, it was not my intention.
I know God has a plan and in due time, He will reveal it, everything happens in life for a reason and while we might not understand why it's happening to us, in due time all will be reveal and purpose will be known. I have already forgiven him and I am moving on but need to alert others to things we otherwise ignore in the name of love. As someone said earlier "The worst people to advice are those in the throes of passion".
For everyone who is praying for me, thank you so much. I truly need that right now. Never thought this will happen to me in a million years but like I said, God has a purpose. Once again, thanks everyone and if you have a story to share to bless everyone please do share, you could be saving a soul.

You are really an encourager and I do appreciate you. I know God is a rewarder and in due time he will get what comes to him. I have moved on and right now I am just here to warn others to beware. Thank you so much, you are appreciated.

I understand what you mean and I was really swooning because he actually became really affectionate when we got home from the airport so I felt I was just too suspicious and I should give him a chance but looking back now, all the signs were there all along but I felt things will improve when we get to know each other very well and he made sure that he did everything he could to convince me so anyone who is calling me dumb should realize that if a man wants something from a woman, he will go all out till he gets it and afterwards he will show his true colors and that is exactly what happened to me. So if your guts is telling you there is something wrong, stop and look before you spend all this time, money and resources only to have nothing to show for it.

Thank you. God bless and fyi, there are still some gullible women like me here and this may serve as a warning to them. It might not be for you since you are so smart and won't fall for such things.
Thanks, I do appreciate your kind words. God bless you.

Thank you for rubbing salt on my wounds. I pray no one close to you have the same experience I had. God bless you.

Hello Everyone,
I have been a visa journey member for years but I have to create another user name in order to share my story maybe it will help someone out there who is either going through the same thing or is about to go through same.
I met my husband online at a christian website, we are from the same country but I am the USC while he is from Nigeria. We dated long distance for about a year plus 2007 - 2009, chatting on yahoo, phone chats everyday. He did everything to convince me of how much he loves me and how much he wants us to get married and have children together. He even told me how he will get me pregnant anytime I visit Nigeria, a few months after we started chatting online, he went to see my older brother to ask for my hand in marriage. My brother informed him that he can't grant such request because I still need to come home and see him and if I like what I see then we can proceed from there.
I eventually visited Nigeria early 2009 and we met, my mind was a little disturbed when at our first meeting, he just merely walked away when he saw me come out of the Arrival Lounge, but I shrugged it away to shyness and that he wanted to give me some privacy with my sister who came to welcome me at the airport. We eventually reconnected in the car while on the way to his place where I will be spending two weeks as previously arranged. While staying with him, I noticed he didn't want to go out with me, always telling me he is going to work after telling me on the phone before I arrived that he will be taking some time off from work to spend with me when I visited. To cut a long story short, I ended up getting a few pictures of both us and I came back to the States and started his K1 visa processing and to the glory of God, he joined me 6 months later. I funded all these from my little savings with the notion that when things start working out for him, he will remember and appreciate all I did for him. We got married exactly a week after he arrived, this was done because I didn't want him languishing at home for months while waiting for his EA or GC and I started the AOS immediately so he was able to get his EA and conditional GC three months after our wedding.
I also assisted with him getting a job [where he still is]. I made a few calls to my contacts and he was told to apply for the position but he was unable to answer the assessment questions correctly so I took a day off work and sat on the computer and filled out another application after which I called my contact in the company who called him for an interview, training and he started working. My nightmare started on my wedding night, we never made love before our wedding because we wanted to start on a right foundation, so I was looking forward to my wedding night and subsequent honeymoon nights but to my shock, he spent all week sleeping and nothing I did could arouse him. I shrugged it away that he might be tired since he is still trying to adjust to the weather [winter] but as months passed, it was the same story, it was either I am too tired, or sick, my back hurts [when he started working] and when he eventually came around to it, it was either once a month or once in two months until it became once in 2 years.
I got married in order to have children in a two parent household and not be a single parent [apologies to single parents] but I found out he knew when my safe periods were and that was when we will make love and that will be it for the next couple of months if I am lucky. As a good christian woman, I did everything to please him, once in a while my frustrations showed up in anger outbursts but never physical and I said a few things to him in anger. I am not going to play a victim here because I had my own issues with anger but I did try to reason with him, asked him if there was a medical problem, took him for massages, shopping, dinners, bought him clothes, cooked his favorite foods etc. Anything to get him to find me attractive but all to no avail. I even walked naked from the bathroom to the bedroom thinking that will get him aroused but he closes his eyes until I am fully dressed, wore victoria secret lingeries but nothing. I got my pastors involved and a couple of his friends but nothing changed. In the midst of all these, I assisted him in filing for his ten year GC which he received without an interview. I brought all the paperwork needed because he never put my name on any document related to him. We were merely living together as room mates at this point, I did this because I thought he will come around and things will change between us [i guess i was living on fantasy island].
Early this year, I found out he was sexting and chatting with other women online and on telephone calls and I accosted him with my findings, he decided to give me the silent treatment ever since. I also found out he started filing for Citizenship without my knowledge and due to the frustrations and anger I wrote a letter to the Immigration and Naturalization services and they denied his petition. By this time I had already moved out of the apartment for my peace of mind and to prevent myself from harming him due to frustration and a wounded heart.
Now I am out of the apartment, he also moved out to God knows where and the only way we have been corresponding via text messages because he refused to talk to me.
My Question: What should I do now? I am back to square one, no husband, no child and I feel so alone despite people around me. Someone please learn from my story, when you see red flags, don't think he will change, run, run run for your dear life because a broken engagement is better than a broken marriage.

Now we know its not about cultural difference that could fail a Marriage.

Am so sorry u went through this odeal Debbie, I pray my lord will give u the hrt to forge ahead. I feel Ųя pains but always remember Ψђåʈ goes around comes around,he will surely pay for it sooner or later. As for Ųя advise u ♓ανε done Ųя best, he ΨђÔ has ear let him hear,I also gave advise to a follow VJ member here sometime ago but she went at the bbck and instigated false allegation against Мe, now she's reaping Ψђåʈ she sow. my dear take hrt and try to move on. Inform the immigration authorities for further deciplinary action against him.

Well if your only concern is the Affidavit of support i guess having them be a citizen is your goal. But he gets so much privilege with citizenship and I know I would rather him not have that ever. No petitioning others and all that jazz. St least it would take a heck of alot longer as a LPR.

Not necessarily a bad thing per see.
They won't listen.
The worst people to advice are those in the throes of passion.
Good luck in the future.
Of that I'm confused. Shouldn't the OP want him to get his citizenship so her I-864 will be nullified?

Sorry this happened to you... You're saying you opened this topic not as much to get advice (really, what immigration advice at this junction?) as to warn others...To this end, it will be interesting to hear from others - so no one should be shy to "hijack" with their own story. I always strive to learn - so who knows, members, teach me something! Help OP who wanted to spread her word

Oh my precious Sis Debbie (I am a Debbie also). I feel your pain and I so totally understand. First you got his citizenship pulled thats about all you can stop. Do what Darne;l said and write that letter to USCIS so at least its on file.
Lets go through some things about you so you know you are precious and wonderfully made dear. (freelancing cuz I am going this myself).
1. You will go through your 5 cycles of grief and beat yourself up. DON'T beat yourself up, or blame yourself.
If you can look yourself in the mirror and know that you gave your marriage all that was in you and you gave out of a loving true heart. Baby the will of another person is not your fault. he had a choice he choose wrong not your fault.
Forget people who want to point their finger and blame you because you didn't see the "Red Flags". Isn't it funny how outsiders always say "girl I saw the red flags, I saw it coming".
I have had so called friends say "your husband I knew he was a user or i knew something was up with him". But you remained silent WOW. (sorry i digress).
2. You dared to love another and give them unconditional love. Even when your gut was turning you trusted in that person and gave them the benefit of the doubt.
Isn't that called agape love and what Christ ask of us as humans one to another.
Where did that suddenly become a crime. Gosh are we to measure our lives by everyone's elses failures. We are human we make mistakes and judgement calls.
I dare say anyone reading this thread is mistake free in life and love. So please don't let strangers, family or friends make you feel bad or less than because you dared to believe, trust and love.
3. You do whatever it is you need to do to move forward and heal.
The people who say "get over it" "move on" "forget him". Well if it was that easy. Well it would be easy. I suggest counseling (I know I will be seeking it),
Unless you have a great network of family and friends who aren't the "I told you so's", limit who you confide in cuz many times others insecurities become yours and instead of healing now you are saddled with others mess and you feel even worst.
4. Forgive him this will be very key to your healing trust me on this.
Doesn't mean what he did doesn't matter or you can forget. It means as a woman of God I forgive you because I refuse to let this pain consume me.
5.. He was your husband and its okay to say you love him.
Why do people think you married satan. This is someone you not only petitioned and went through all this but you married had started a life with him. Why does it seem odd to say "I love _________". I forgive him I love him but I am moving on. Hey you may get to the point you wish him God's blessings and the best.
People always want to talk about karma and all that when we should be asking God to come into their lives and touch them and turn their life around so they never hurt another person. But thats a whole nother level there (Just saying)
I am sure your inbox is filling up and you have some really great people here that have similar stories (I thought I was the only one on earth for my situation). It's wonderful to see how some people have been so misused and abused and played and yet God had a better blessing for them. It was a divine setup.
You will get your swag back (i stayed in bed a week and cried until my daughter literally peeled me out of bed and made me shower. LOL) and you will love, laugh and smile again. I know i look forward to that someday. But in the meantime. Do whatever you need to do to heal.
Thank you for blessing us and being brave to share your story. Who knows who you saved from horror. God bless you Debbie and all the best to you.

My heart goes out to you! This is not the end but the start of you wonderful life. In this life we are living we meet different type of character and in your case, that character was not going to stop at nothing to get to the states for his own benefits. Although there were many signs that u saw, it is to late to put any blame on yourself. I pray that you find the strength to forgive him and move on and let karma catch up with him. I am glad u did not have any kids with him .Take good care of yourself and heal from all the pain you might be going through. I am a true believer of woman power. THE BEST IS YET TO COME!