southernchic

best wishes!!!!!!!! have fun!!!

WEll...long distance relationships do work. But I can't comment about meeting someon online since my husband and I met in person. Things that were helpful for us in making the long distance work were daily emails, talking on the phone, and IM with the webcam. He was actively invovled with my work in giving me advice and encouragement and I would help him write sermons and encourage him with his work with the youth. We had to deal with a 12 hour time difference and being seperated for 9 months was hard.

My personal opinion is that its better to have them come to the US as a fiance--wait out the 2 or 3 months--and then get married. I personally don't think that I would have handled very well the married and separated bit. Waiting to get married once he's here--gives you both a chance to adjust a bit before youa ctually get married.

Like Sweetee said, a year is a good time to get to know someone. My husband and I had met and married in 13 months. There weren't any big suprises once he got here. The things we fought about before are the same things we still fight over now. The more time you give it, the more time you can figure out what these things are. Provided, of course, that you are both honest with each other.

My husband has almost been here a year. I have no regrets and though hard at times, it is a really wonderful thing.

I think it's smart to come here and to ask questions before you get too involved in a LDR. There are tons of people who've done it the right way and some who've made a few mistakes along the way. I met my husband in person but mainly our relationship was LDR. The challenge of the LDR is that the everyday things about relationships are hard to see from a distance. In an in-person relationship you can't see the look on someone's face or you don't always REALLY know how your SO will respond to challenging situations. Also when you visit your man in his country, he's in control. He knows what's going on around him. When people move to another country, you WILL see a different part of their personality -- esp. if they are accustomed to being in control.

My husband and I emailed or chatting almost every single day for two years. I asked tons of questions that I was supposed to ask. He's been here for six months and its been rough.

I encourage you to continue with your own journey. Pay attention to the details. Visit him as often as you can. If things work out, which they can, bring him here as a fiance. Contrary to conventional wisdom, LDR can work but they are also risky because of the distance. Good luck.

Wow, there's a lot of factors that you have to consider in your relationship:

1

Now, on the issue of Islam, my husband was drinking and socializing during the two years before he moved to the US. On our first date, we were out drinking and dancing into the night. Shortly after he moved to the US he decided to stop drinking. Trust me...he is no foreigner to the social life. I don't go out to clubs. I socialize with my friends at their houses or in restaurants and I invite him to go out with me.

I don't want to sound defensive, its just that I'm tired of feeling my entire relationship is supposed to revolve around one person.

Just out of curiosity, was there a special reason why your husband stopped "drinking and socializing" after arriving in the US?

chispas

He stopped drinking because he wants to be a more responsible person and a more serious person. He and his cousin were just telling me that a lot of people drop their "bad" habits before coming to America. His cousin also dropped drinking.

Hi all. I've just organized a yahoo site for DC International Couples. The purpose of the group is to provide support for international couples and to organize events in the DC Metro Area. For more information go to the website and subscribe.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/dc_internationalcouples/

Our first meet and greet is tentatively scheduled for Sunday, Jan. 14th from 3:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m. The location has yet to be determined.

For those who have expressed interest, I will invite you today.

Best,

Southern

Hi all. I've just organized a yahoo site for DC International Couples. The purpose of the group is to provide support for international couples and to organize events in the DC Metro Area. For more information go to the website and subscribe.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/dc_internationalcouples/

Our first meet and greet is tentatively scheduled for Sunday, Jan. 14th from 3:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m. The location has yet to be determined.

For those who have expressed interest, I will invite you today.

Best,

Southern

Hi all. I've just organized a yahoo site for DC International Couples. The purpose of the group is to provide support for international couples and to organize events in the DC Metro Area. For more information go to the website and subscribe.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/dc_internationalcouples/

Our first meet and greet is tentatively scheduled for Sunday, Jan. 14th from 3:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m. The location has yet to be determined.

For those who have expressed interest, I will invite you today.

Best,

Southern

Hi all. I've just organized a yahoo site for DC International Couples. The purpose of the group is to provide support for international couples and to organize events in the DC Metro Area. For more information go to the website and subscribe.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/dc_internationalcouples/

Our first meet and greet is tentatively scheduled for Sunday, Jan. 14th from 3:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m. The location has yet to be determined.

For those who have expressed interest, I will invite you today.

Best,

Southern

Wow, there's a lot of factors that you have to consider in your relationship:

1. Culture: (which will spin off most other things:

a. Religion: If he is Muslim and you are not = big problem, he sees things completely different (i.e.: going out, drinking, socializing)

b. Work: a man's money is his money. He is the head of house. Seriously. See culture, religion.

c. Communication: speaking/answering in English is completely different from completely understanding what you are speaking and answering.

d. Socialization: Women who go out in Ethiopia are often referred to as "bar ladies" or prostitutes. This is what he has seen his entire life. He will adjust to women in clubs, etc., but will never like you doing it: you're his wife.

2. Location of residency:

You live in a city that is filled with Ethiopians. Do not discount the influence of Ethiopians on him. He sees Ethiopian couples and the traditions that are the norm to him, and then he comes home to a "different" house (in every way, from food, language, traditions, and religion [unless you are muslim or orthodox]). MAJOR PROBLEM. You'll never be Ethiopian.

You must get to know him. Learn of his culture and participate and incorporate it into EVERYDAY life. Converting to Islam is something you must consider. You should have known that.

My husband said if he didn't tell (or ask) you to convert to Islam, he used you to get to America for a green card. To quote him directly "There are too many beautiful muslim women or even orthodox or christian women in Ethiopia to marry a non-muslim or non-Ethiopian unless he was going to be able to leave Ethiopia for U.S. or U.K." Sorry about the bluntness, but he's a straight shooter.

I am not as pessimistic as he. I say work hard to keep your man happy. Keep talking to him, keep loving him, and keep learning about him.

Best of luck.

Based on some of the advice here, it sounds like everything should revolve around him. I must learn about him. I must understand him. I must cater to him. Don't get me wrong. I am more than happy to support him, to learn about his culture and everything about him, but honestly i have my limits. I expect a partnership. So far, he's done a decent job of it. He washes dishes. He'll clean and cook, also. This is a good start but in order for things to progress the communication has to improve. And I'd like it if he'd understand my culture and way of life, too. I think that's reasonable. I'm not one of those women from the countryside. So I'm having a hard time accepting the idea that I'm supposed to become a traditional Ethiopian woman.

Now, on the issue of Islam, my husband was drinking and socializing during the two years before he moved to the US. On our first date, we were out drinking and dancing into the night. Shortly after he moved to the US he decided to stop drinking. Trust me...he is no foreigner to the social life. I don't go out to clubs. I socialize with my friends at their houses or in restaurants and I invite him to go out with me.

I don't want to sound defensive, its just that I'm tired of feeling my entire relationship is supposed to revolve around one person.

Hoping you DC members are getting together.......still looking to do the same

here in St.Louis metro.

At least change emails and phone numbers to start with.

It is sometimes difficult to talk about this with friends who don't have a foreign SO, they are clueless and you get this 'really ???' stare. So support is great from those who

experience the same issues.

At the same time the SO can discuss our western ways together with others and

know that they are not alone with their frustrations in this country.

Everyone is welcomed to share their experiences of dealing with the cultural differences between them and their spouse. And PLEASE don't get me started on the difficulties of talking to friends and acquaintences. I'm so grateful for having a very good friend, who is from Africa and is married to an american, who's given me tons of guidance.

Again, if there are any couples in the DC/VA/MD area who are interested in meeting up, please PM me. Also, once I create a meet up I'll post it here on VJ.

S

I forgot to add that visiting for a while is one thing and making a life

together under cultural adjustments in daily life full of pressures is

a very different story and I am preparing as well as I know how.

Yes, its true, sometimes when I come home from work I'm so tired and stressed. I'm less than enthusiastic about explaining things. We've got a lot of differences....and lord knows I could write a book about all the little things that he's said or done that have either made me laugh or made me very angry. But the good thing is that we're both growing and changing. Last night, I even talked to him about something that bothered me and it turned out to be just another misunderstanding. But it lead to a real breakthrough for him because it reminded him of what his mother said to him about his need to communicate more. I was really touched because he was just sitting there thinking and he looked at me and said, "I guess i must learn to communicate more. Will you help me?"

Now to your question from earlier about how Sultan adjusted to socializing with just me. Really, there wasn't any problem. Sultan isn't reallly a guy who spends a lot of time with random guys if he really doesn't trust them. So he's happy just hanging with me. Sometimes he will go places with his cousin or another friend. But otherwise, its just the two of us. I don't mind.

Like I said earlier, Sultan and I have laughed and cried together. We're comitted to this relationship. the more that I learn about the culture, and even more on the challenges of immigrating to the US, the more compassion I have for him. As an American, I'm totally ignorance about the challenges of migrating to America. Seriously, I knew there would be challenges but I had no ideas what they would be. Maybe that could be a new section on VJ.

S

I love this thread.....keep 'em coming !

I think the MENA group had something like this thread.

It may be a good idea for those who are close in the area to exchange phone numbers

for a good support.

Any one in the ST. Louis metro area ?

Can't think of any other issues right now but I am sure there will be many when he finally gets here.

I love the idea of a DC area group for intercultural relationships. If any one is interested please PM or email me. I'd love to hook up for coffee or something. Thanks for all of the advice. It makes me feel better knowing that I need to learn about the culture.

MONEY: Re: money we're working things out. I think he has some misconceptions about how much money I make and about the concept of me being broke. And I think it might be a good idea for him to pay the bills for a while so that he can understand the pain and heartache we all go through paying bills every month. He doesn't make enough to pay all of the bills so any advice would be welcomed. I probably do come down hard on him about things. I'm a bit of a perfectionist (hence the reason why I forbid him from wearing the leather jacket and also from wearing white socks with black shoes).

SOCIALIZING. I noticed while I was in Ethiopia that men socialize with other men. I kept asking him, "where are the women? Are they at home?" We go out to the movies and restaurants togehter. We'll also go to Starbucks and relax there, too.

The issue with socializing, which is a cultural issue for us, is that he DOES NOT like for me to go out at night with my friends. He's muslim and says that in his culture a woman is considered a "garden tool" if she's out past midnight. Now, we don't argue about this. He trusts me but it still makes him mad if I stay out late -- even if I'm just chilling at a friends' house. Also, if I go out and have one drink, as soon as I walk in the door he's like the alcohol police. He'll say, "Your drrrrunk." (you know rolling the r's) And, of course, i defend myself and prove that I'm sober. Its very funny. I'll have two drinks and he'll swear that I'm totally drunk. I tell him, "Dude, you've never seen me drunk. It takes more than two glasses of wine"

The question about culture is how do you identify a conflict as culture instead of personality??? How have people had the patience to sit back and say, "What just happened?" before it becomes an arguement??

I hope we can keep this discussion going.

Hello everyone.

Me and my SO having been living together for almost 6 months now. He's from Ethiopia and I'm American. Our relationships isn't what I expected at all. He's a loving and gentle guy. I'm fairly laid back person but we are constantly arguing over things that later turn out to be misunderstandings or cultural differences. I am really having a hard time. We try to discuss things but I end up feeling REALLY frustrated. I'm just curious. Are there some cultural issues that I am missing?

Money. He likes having nice things. When he wasn't working I took care of both of us and he just didn't understand why the finances caused me stress. Now that he's been working, he's all about saving his money and thinking about the future. And he doesn't want me to know exactly how much money he has. he says that in his culture women don't ask men how much money they have. We are figuring out a compromise and a financial plan. But I was shocked that he just has a hard time understanding living expenses and bills. He seems reluctant to spend a lot of money on bills. He says that when he was home he always had money to spend and that he expected to have alot of money once he started working. My response was, "welcome to America. we're all broke" I say this slightly jokingly. We live in DC, which is one of the most expensive cities to live in.

Listening. He doesn't like to listen to me sometimes. When he first got here in June we were going to a get together. He wanted to wear his leather jacket. I was like, its too hot for leather. He just wouldn't listen to me. Finally I was insistent that he could not wear it he gave in. Its very hot in July even at night. I just couldn't understand why he didn't believe me. That's the perfect example of what I don't get. I love him and want to help him understand how things work here but i swear to God, he's quick to disagree with me. I can't force him to listen but sometimes its a drain.

Communication. This is getting a little bit better. But my husband just doesn't like explaining things. And no matter how many times we agree to communicate, it just doesn't work out that way.

Anyway, I want to make our relationship work. I'd welcome some insights.

Sonya

Like you stated above, some like to post such things merely for entertainment. Some are real and have been used. As to your relationship (or anyone's for that matter) IMHO it's what you feel in your heart and what your gut reaction is telling you. If you've spent enough time with your fiancée then you should know what her intentions are. To let you know though...it's not just filipinas that seem to do this...there are other fiancées in other countries that have done this same thing.

What does your heart tell you? That's the question you have to answer, and by reading your post it sounds as if you've answered it.

Good point! The cards have been dealt and now I fully intend to play the hand and make the best of it. In my gut and my heart, I believe I have been dealt an exceptional hand. I love my fiancee enough to take the risk and go all in, for better or worse. VJ has become a regular part of my daily life, so I'm sure you will all hear about how things pan out either way.

Merry Christmas!

This is an old post but it is a VERY VERY relevant issue for many people who are considering or are in the middle of a relationship with another person from another country. I am married to someone from another country. I believe that he loves me and is committed to me. But the relationship is VERY VERY difficult. Since he's lived in the US, I've seriously wondered if I made the right decision. We're both committed to working things out. But its not easy to start a new life with someone from another culture. Daily living can be complicated because of misunderstandings and challenges to communicate. And sometimes people have many unspoken expectations. And lets be real. There are people out there who will marry an American to come to the US and to get their papers. No one wants that.

Every relationship is different. The challenges will vary from couple to couple. Have faith. But recognize that serious challenges might lie ahead.

What I admire about VJ is that its one of the few communities that supports the idea of international and intercultural relationships. And it provides an invaluable service to those working their way through the visa process. But what is good about this new forum is that it examines the downside and the realities of international relationships. I encourage those who are moving their way through the proces to learn from both the good and the bad experiences.

Good luck to you!!!

hi everyone. I wanted to check in to let people know that Sultan just got his SSN. We applied for the work authorization without applying for the green card.

The entire process from beginning to end took just under 3 months. Now he's looking for a job.

May I ask how much exposure to habesha folks you had prior to meeting / marrying your husband? How much contact with other habesha folks does he have now that he's here? Might be helpful for him just to better understand the name of the game here in the US.

I had a circle of habesha friends long before Nani and I met. That helped me understand much of what she'd be going through once she gets here. And I tried as best I could to see to it that Nani has contact with other habesha folks around here. That helped her a lot when it came to hooking the first job, etc. Plus, she could call local folks and chat on the phone in Amharic which made the transition a bit easier on her - talking to me, it was all English. She insisted because she wanted to learn.

And I hear you on the way habesha folks talk and it sometimes having sort of a "demanding" tone to it. We've ran into that a time or two. It was a matter of teaching her to use different terminology and intonation and to recognize at the same time that the "demand" is really more of a kind request to be considered.

All in all, we were past our "rough patch" approximately 3 months after Nani's arrival. She's still adjusting, of course, but she has the basics down and is comfortable here. Really, once she started working things went very, very smooth. Sitting at home all day for just over three months really was hard on her. She tolerated it well for the first month or so but then she grew rather impatient. I found an ESL program for her at that point to keep her positively occupied while the papers were processing.

Good Luck!

Prior to meeting Sultan I had very little personal exposure to habesha people. I was friendly a couple of people but it was never personal enough to where I could to learn much about the culture. Sultan knows a lot of people in Washington, DC.

We're getting through the cultural differences and the language challenges. For me, its important to acknowledge for myself that its a struggle sometimes. And its good to be able to hear other people's experiences. I know that things will get better.

I have read this thread with some interest.

On one side, you can list everything that is wrong with Nigeria. On the other side, you can list everything that is wrong in America.

What is most beneficial when starting your new family?

Find the strengths of both cultures and build upon that.

Dismissing your spouse's adjustment to the U.S. beacuse you think the U.S. is better, is not a good solution.

The foreign spouse refusing to assimilate to the U.S. to some degree is also not a good solution.

Just have patience, patience, patience. Don't matter where you come from, there is going to be adjustment. Understanding, for both partners, goes a long way in making a happy marraige.

I don't think people are dismissing their spouses adjustment to the US because there are more opportunities here. Some of us are just allowing ourselves to acknowledge our own struggles as US partners of new immigrantts and in doing so we are recognzing that the burden of the transition should completely fall on us as the US person...just because they left their homeland.

When Sultan first arrived from Ethiopia, I didn't think i had a right to be stressed out or frustrated because he was the one who left his mom, dad, sisters, brothers to live with me. One day I realized that I needed to acknowledge my own feelings and struggles. And its been much healthier for me. Just bc Sultan thinks this is how something "should be" doesn't mean I don't push back. I'm not one of those "pro-American" people but i do tell him that he's in the US now where some things are different. He doesn't have to embrace American ways but he should at least become familiar with the culture/country he has chosen to live in.

S

When i talk about assimilating into a new environment, i don't mean the fact of wearing jeans, talking on cellphones, having perms etc. Granted, a lot of western culture is of great influence in nigeria as is in many other countries but talking about clothes, technology does not begin to touch the surface of culture shock that is experienced once moving to the U.S this is from personal experience and family members that have recently moved here both in the youth and elderly age.

The most daunting struggle my hubby is attempting to comprehend is the American value system. In particular, the lack of family values/unity. Where in Naija can you so readily find Adult Care/Residential treatment facilities, and Senior living centers??? No, it's just a given that family members provide care for family-at all costs. America is known for being a 'Throw Away' society, in many aspects... We throw away our ill/dibilitated family when they inconvenience our lifestyle (God forbid we allow them to come live in our homes for a period longer than a weekend stay-if that....) Over 50% of American marriages are thrown away with "No fault divorce". Now, kids can go through the court system to divorce their parents. Finally, we waste our resources (natural & man made) like crazy! America is considered to be one of the best places in the world, if your primary focus is obtaining material wealth. However, where is the higher social moral ground? Heck, higher salaries are paid to dog catchers, as opposed to a care giver. Why is it that more tax payer dollars are shelled out to house prison inmates annually, while a large percentage of citizens work full-time jobs, but are yet dubbed, "The working poor" earnings that place them at poverty level? Anyway, I'm going to leave that alone... Just can't figure out the rhyme & reason behind it all... But one thing I know for sure is that our country's priorities are misaligned. A country where children disrespect their parents, teachers, elders, and law enforcement... All in the name of "RIGHTS"

Wow!!! What an environment to assimilate into.

Thank God for the supporting Nigerian association meetings that provide an opportunity for everyone to come together to eat, dance, network, and just simply enjoy the camradere of fellow kinsman. A way of staying connected with ones traditional values, while transitioning into a new society (so to speak)..

I think you make good points here...moving to the US isn't just about establishing a new family or a more comfortable way of life. But the irony to your statement is that with all the problems of the US and its culture our SOs will need to assimilate in some ways. America will be their home. the environment that seems so foreign will be come normal to them. That's the irony.

But on the postive side, being in an intercultural relationship has helped me embrace being an American more than I did in the past. I like our freedom. i like the equality women have here. I like the way the fact that we, as Americans, are so open and relaxed. We have a ton of problems but....America isn't the wort place on earth to live and assimilate into.

Look at all that our SOs have sacrificed to be with us. What I have listed is so small. We have talked about all of these things and more, and he tells me he will adjust. To me he is a brave man to leave all that he knows, to come to a different country, all for a woman that he loves. I feel honored. I know it will not be easy for him. I will support him and have patience while he is adjusting to life in America. It is the least I can do, after the sacrifice he has made for me.

Very well said! I couldn't have said that better myself.

Just because it is less desireable to us does not mean that they would not miss the only home that they have ever known. Someones home does not have to be glamourous for it to mean something to them. And I was not just referring to these from Nigeria, to all who have decided to leave their homes to come here to us. What about the personal sacrifice that they have made for us.

And yes that would be a huge sacrifice for me to go to Nigeria to be with him. We have talked about it. I have 3 children and their father will not let me take them out of the country. Justice does not want me to leave me children behind, so we are working on bringing him here.

No matter how bad you think it may be where they came from, it is still a sacrifice to have left what they know. I did not say that they could not have a better life here. They can, but it will take alot of adjusting, and we need to have patience with them.

I also agree, wholeheartedly, with this. This issue is one of the main topics that my fiance and I discuss. He comes from a very war-torn country with no infastructure, no electricity or running water (for more than a decade now), a very bad security force, etc, etc...but yet, he is still happy. It is the only place he has ever known and even though it is hard to live there and he has to struggle, he is still happy. He has all of the non-material wealth to make up for the lack of comforts. A great family to spend time with, classmates that he's grown up with, a secure job (no matter how much the pay sucks), a home, pets, the ocean in his backyard... So I do agree that just because it is "bad" doesn't mean it isn't a sacrifice. I will also remember to be patient with him when he arrives and starts the adjustment process. This is will be a very hard process for both of us, but even more for him because it is simply something that he is not used to.

I am really enjoying this discussion and its good to get diverse thoughts on this issue. I have to say that I don't feel sorry for my husband for coming here. I don't even know if the transition is harder for him than it is for me. I can't answer that. He's making sacrifices. I'm making sacrifices. He's not living up the street from his family or his friends. That's hard. He's adjusting to a new environment. Yes, that's tough. But...let's keep it many of our SO want to be here, too.

My husband doesn't want for anything. My husband has a gym membership, cell phone, health insurance, nice home, several friends from Ethiopia living nearby, relatives living nearby. The transition is stressful but at the same time he's starting a new life -- a life he's always wanted. Maybe I'm just hard core like that.

S

In my rather elaborate attempt to express the double adjustment i am talking about, i used the example of the Nigerian banker but ofcourse the few items i mentioned make up a minute tip of the iceberg.....extrapolations can be drawn in so many directions as to the various factors that could be considered part of the adjustment phase.

Trying to dwell on all those would simply take a year...or more.........

You bring up an interesting issue. HOw difficult is it to find a job if you're from another country?? I've met alot of educated African men who are driving cabs or are working somewhere they wouldn't perfer. Any thoughts??

S

Ok another interesting cultural difference, an amusing one, is that my husband isn't used to doing physical labor. His family has a house maid who cooks and cleans for the family. I think this is typical in many African countries.

One night I was cleaning the carpet and was on my hands and knees scrubbing out stains. I was working up quite a sweat. He later told me, "We gotta get a housemaid." H said that maybe we could even send for relative from ethiopia to live with us because he didn't realize that americans worked so hard in their houses. He thought everyone had a house maid just like in Africa.

What's funny is that whenever I feel that Sultan's being demanding about me cooking or something I tell him, "What? Do you think I'm your housemaid?" And he even says the same thing to me if I'm bossing him around.

I can say for sure that my husband (from Ethiopia) can come across as rude sometimes. And when he's on the phone w/other Ethiopians he speaks VERY loudly.

What I do is to try to coach him ahead of time or if we're in a restaurant or something, I'll just whisper to him the polite phrase to use if he wants a toothpick or something.

S

MAGIC word? Yeah your husband sounded a little bit rude...but its hard to correct him effectively in the middle of the grocery story. Perhaps just saying..."honey please." And he'll say, "what?"

"Just try to say please or something." I understand, though. Its hard not to get a little angry because its so abrupt.

I would suspect that he's actually practicing his conversational English here. You know...how a child does when learning to speak. They very often say the most silly (to an adult) things and repeat themselves time after time but this is how they learn to interact.

Try to take a deep breath each time this happens and eventually things should fall into place. His conversation will move on after this phase. However, I would prepare yourself for quite a long haul before he is fully conversational.

Put yourself in his shoes for a minute and try to imagine how you would fare if you had been the one to settle in his home country. Customs, language etc. A daunting prospect in Ethiopia, I would venture.

Best wishes to you both......Neil in NC.

Thanks for the post and the advice. You know what's interesting is that Sultan says in his culture they begin a discussion with a question about the obvious. And then a conversation will flow from there. From my perspective, it always seems odd that he would ask me these strange questions. Once I realized that he would begin a convo by asking a very obvious discussion, I'd do the same to him and we'd laugh. But trust me it was after having three or four confusing conversations.

I will say this. Learning about a new culture is very interesting. And it is sometimes entertaining, too. One day i'll have to tell the story of when we I was cooking dinner for Sultan and he feel asleep. When he awoke he said, "where's my food?" He was serious and alittle bit pissed off. Of course I got really mad (bc I'm a modern, feminist-type). Let's just say that by the end of this situation a few days later I'd educated him about modern american men (and how they're are changing diapers and taking family leave), the feminist movement and Roe v. Wade. I can totally look back on this story and laugh.

Its so great to read all of the posts. I'm encouraged to continue just taking things one day at a time.

Our main problem is communication. The way he speaks to me as translated in his language tends to rub me the wrong way. It always comes across as being WAY more demanding than he intends. Also, when he starts a conversation i find myself feeling more confused by what he's saying. For example, he'll watch me make and drink tea and will ask, "are you drinking tea?" I'll get confused/frustrated and say, "you just watched me make the tea. Why are you asking me if I'm drinking tea?" And that, of course, starts an arguement bc I've hurt his feelings.

Thanks, for all the support. I love hearing these stories.

Hi all. I don't post much but I can't think of another forum where I might get some support/advice.

My husband's been in the US for two months and I'm having a REALLY hard time helping him adjust. Before he came here I thought it would be fun to see the world from his perspective (and sometimes it is). But I feel like a bad wife because I constantly question if this was the right decision. He's a nice person and he's very loving but..........I don't always have the energy or patience to explain things or to go the extra mile to take care of him. I've read that it takes five years for people to transition to life in the US. Honestly, that sounds like a very very long time.

Am I the only one feeling this way? How have others dealth their or their SO's transition?

S

I think that many people come to the VJ site to get insights and information about their visa and relationship journey. When I began my relationship I scoured the web for information and/or advice. I didn't find much. until this sight.

There may be some common sense things to consider BEFORE marrying overseas or getting engaged to someone from overseas. Unfortunately, for some of us, our significant others didn't have the opportunity to fly back and forth for visits to the US (bc they come from the wrong country). Therefore, our relationships are tied to visa status. Perhaps the forum could be along the lines of "word to the wise" or something like that. Perhaps it can give people an opportunity to share the down side of international/online relationships.

I'd love to hear more about it.