southernchic

When I joined VJ I constantly looked for information about international relationships. And there really wasn't a lot of information out there. Also, there wasn't as much of a space on VJ to discuss these issues. Personally, I am sharing my story to support others who are in similar situations and to tell stories that I didn't read while I was considering if this relationship was for me.

I believe its important for people to know that they're not alone and to know that maybe they DID pray enough and maybe they did the best they could but it still didn't work out. Bad things happen to faithful people. Look at Job. He lost it all while folks sat on the sidelines questioning his faith.

Best wishes, everyone.

Southernchic I wish you both the best and hope you can overcome your troubles and that he will realize his mistakes.

You had an interesting cultural adjustment thread some time ago, last year maybe, it was so funny. I should look for it.

Thanks for being real.

Thanks for your kind response. Everything will be okay in time. At this point, all I want to do is to get my life back and start rebuilding my future. I just want it to be over.

I am wondering why one should withhold trust and not give it their all in a relationship. I agree that trust is earned but there must come a point in time where you are no longer suspicious and always looking for something. That point should be when you decide to commit to a life together.

Personally, I don't like sharing a life together with one eye always suspiciously open. It kind of shows insecurities. Constant suspicion

disrespects him IF there is nothing to be alarmed about. I am not talking about a marriage in deep trouble here but a healthy one.

That is what the time of getting to know someone is for. Study the culture so you know what is culture and what is personality.

If dishonesty comes constantly into play then that is a deal breaker and serious reevaluation of the relationship would be needed.

OK, so you trust 100% and are happy and then things don't work out......well, what is so bad having trusted and given your all ?

You have done all you could and if the marriage doesn't work out you act like the strong woman that you are and pick yourself up and go on.

I have.

I rather trust completely, give it my all and then face trouble head on than living in constant suspicion.

If it's not working its not working but my point is trust while it is working.

Constant suspicion is a form of disrespect to your mate. Unless you have a good reason to be.

We are all at different levels in the relationship but I am also speaking from experience having gone through a marriage before that failed.

It is my advice to trust once committed to propel yourselves forward.

I had a b/f once that was always suspicious of me for absolutely no reason. I left him, I felt he didn't understand who I was and that we could not m.ve forward as his lack of trust disrespected my intentions.

I respect your view point. But in my honest opinion one can't possibly get to know someone 100% when they don't live in the same country. My problem wasn't that I didn't trust my husband. The problem was that I trusted him, took a risk and but began to see that he wasn't trustworthy once he arrived in the US. His problem was that he thought I loved him soooo much that I'd forgive him no matter what he did.

Once I saw that he was shady I began to get suspicious and it was ONLY then that I began to discover little things that he'd lied about or hidden from me. Even when I begged and pleaded for him to change and take responsibility, it continued and still does to this day. Am I happy that i had my guard up and didn't just jump in 100%. ABSOLUTELY. Otherwise, I'd have a child in the middle of a really messed up situation.

What I"m about to say isn't going to settle well with people but I'm going to put it out there. I wouldn't advise ANY WOMAN who is dealing with a man from a traditional overseas culture to trust that person 100% until they've lived together for a while. I say this ONLY out of concern and as a point of caution.

When I read the posts it reminds me of how I felt before my husband arrived. I thought that he was the sweetest, nicest and kindest man I'd ever met. Why? Because that's how he presented himself. But since he's lived in the US its been a different story. Don't get me wrong. His personality is very sweet but there's a very dark side. He's not physically abusive. HOWEVER, I swear to God I am finding contriditions and constant dishonesty in him all the time. Anything he does that is wrong he will argue with me for a half hour to justify that it is right. For example, he STOLE a piece of mail addressed to me. I found it. He took it from my purse twice. When I confronted him he tried to make it seem as if he didn't do anything wrong.

Just yesterday where he expressed frustration when he thought I was being unfaithful (which I was not), essentially he said that if we were in his country he would have beaten me. I was shocked. Never in a million years did I imagine that my sweet, gentle husband would even think of commiting such an act. But he said that he was serious. We'd talked about this issue a few times before he came to the US and every time he said..."oh no I could never hurt anyone." I swear this is just one of many examples that the person I talked to online and on the phone for TWO years was a fake.

I don't say this to discourage anyone from finding love. Follow your heart. Do what you have to do to be happy. But please, ladies, don't give away ALL your trust to someone who hasn't proven themselves. There is a such thing as having different levels of trust in a relationship. Please make your husbands/fiance's EARN your full trust once they move here. Its easy for a man to say, "i'm honest. I'm nice. I"m going to support you." when they live thousands of miles away.

I don't say this to be negative. Just a word of caution.

I just want to comment, and say - these things happen right here. I never saw our situation as being any more risky than meeting, loving, and marrying someone from right here at home. The advice i read is good, and the risks that you actually never get out of a marriage what you put in are the same no matter where the person you love and marry is from.

Everyone's situation is different but from my perspective the circumstances of an international mariage are VERY different from marrying an American. When you start adding language, cultural differences and immigration status into the mix it gets even more complicated. I believe these kinds of relationships can work. But there were situations in my relationship that would never existed had i married an American. Or let me put it this way, we had cultural differences.

I'll just give you a few comical examples.

1) He hid my wine. At a certain point, my husband decided that he didn't drink and that he didn't like it when I drank. So one night I came home to find that he'd hidden my wine. His reason? "Well in my culture is it okay to take some thing away if it is not in the other person's best interest." My response....."WHAT?? Don't ever hide my wine. Are you crazy??" I was so pissed. I mean who hides someone's wine? I'm not an alcoholic. But my husband thought that we fought bc I drank. Now he knows better. LOL.

2) "Where's my food?"....famous last words.....When my husband first oved here, he feel asleep while I was cooking him food (something I'd never do for an American man bc it was 10 p.m. and I wasn't hungry). Anyway, when he woke up (some time around midnight) he said, "where's my food?" And he had the nerve to have an attitude about it, too. Dude my mouth was open. I couldn't believe he'd say that to me. It was his culture and he didn't see that he was being rude. After much dissucsion he's realized that it wasn't cool.

3) "I am not a sheep." My husband really had a hard time with me telling what to do sometimes -- esp when it came to driving. We were driving somewhere once, I was telling him, "okay...turn here....alright get into the left lane and stay there." Normal stuff. He, of course, was smarter than me and wouldn't want to follow my instructions. When I got angry and asked him 'why aren't you listening to me?!!! do you know where you're going?" His response? "I am not a sheep. You can't just tell me what to do" My response: "Well, you need to be a sheep sometimes." The sheep comment stuck around for a good 6 months.

These are things I can laugh about now.....But I let's face it international relationships are special but come with some special challenges.

Eh, I'm not so sure how I feel about this, tbh...I've been thinking about this a lot since that person asked me if I'd marry his friend for money....of course, that's sooooo not for me and I'd never do that, BUT the USC is still filling out an affadavit of support in this instance & to me, that's a lot better than just being illegal. USCIS doesn't define a marriage as requiring love....I suppose the money aspect of it is the problem...but it's on par (imo) with a well off older man marrying a young, gorgeous woman from an impoverished nation. They may not love each other, but they both mutually benefit from the marriage.

I would also say this straightforwardness is a lot better than the foreign born so duping the USC into thinking it's a traditional, love filled marriage.

I completely agree with you about the honesty issue. People marry USC all the time for papers. This person just was clueless enough to get caught. Just read VJ long enogh and you'll realize that there are lot of people who have lied, manipulated and scammed their way into someone's heart. That should SERIOUSLY be a crime.

I've read this post and another previous post about some failed relationships with African/Nigerian men. I just HAD to say something. VJ is a forum for people to share their good news, bad news, lessons and even failures. If people just want to come here to read only good and positive things that's their choice but...its not REALITY.

The reality is that just as people are meeting their loves, there are people who are hurting and angry at being decieved or realizing that the differences are too much for them to handle. International relationships aren't just love and paperwork. When you choose this relationships you're taking on a lot. And there's a dark reality that there are people from all over the world who are willing to lie, cheat and manipulate unsuspecting people into a relationships, marriage and even having kids. i hope that this forum can be a space to support EVERYONE - not just those did all the right things or have good news to share.

My personal lesson learned is this. "Don't risk more than you can afford to lose."

My husband is Ethiopian. I don't regret my decision to enter into a relationship with him. HOWEVER, I am happy that I never sponsored him for his greencard. Had i, it would have been a huge crushed to be his financial sponsor after really getting to know what kind of person he really is. I won't go into the details of what went wrong. All i can say is that my husband knows its not working for me and he's AGGRESSIVELY trolling yahoo personals and muslim singles looking for other woman. One day he tells me he can't live without me and within hours he's chatting with btwn four to seven different women.

I feel sorry for whomever gets caught up with him. But I'm happy for myself for NOT invested too much - esp once I saw that some bad patterns of dishonesty. contradictions, selfishness and unwillingness to take personal responsibility. I support international relationships. But people need to have their eyes open at the same time. Take my views only as friendly advice. "Follow your heart but don't risk more than you can afford to lose"

Please feel free to PM for more deets.

He's on a 2-year visa that expires in Spring 2008. If he can change his visa status based on employment or something else, I'll let him know that.

S

So southernchic: has your husband actually stayed past the date stamped on the I-94? Since he has been here for a year and no AOS was filed, it seems that it's a good possibility that he has overstayed, though I am not sure how the K-3 visa works or how long the visa is valid. What other option would he have to base a petition to adjust status on other than marriage to you? Possibly an employment based visa? But then again, I am not sure if that's possible either.

Like crb3 said, the longer he overstays, the longer the ban. Is he aware of all the legal ins and outs of his situation? Maybe printing out the statutes and showing them to him in black and white will make it clearer for him. If after giving him the legal ramifications, if he chooses to stay, you've done your job.

Thanks. This is very helpful information. It would be great if he could stay on his own.

southernchick,

You do not apply for his change of status - he does. You do have to support his application - unless he applies after the divorce is final - by sponsoring him financially with an I-864 affidavit of support.

He is supposed to leave the country when his period of authorized stay, as indicated on his I-94, expires. He can apply to extend the stay.

Yodrak

I am now officially a member of the "It just didn't work out VJ caucus".

Since my husband moved to the US a year ago on his K-3 visa, I never applied for a change in his status (AOS). Bascially, when he arrived I learned that he'd lied to me about something really important throughout our two year relationship and made things worse by telling more small lies once he was here. I tried to see if I could move past the dishonesty and other challenges, but just couldn't. I am a USC seeking the divorce against his wishes. Once its finalized he will legally have to leave the country. This I know.

My question is: If he decides to return home to Ethiopia will it help his future chances of returning to the US? I have a feeling that he won't want to leave. My thinking is that if he has a record of living in the US for a year and moving back when he was legally supposed to his chances of returning will be better in the future than if he'd never been here at all or overstayed his visa.

I know that no one can know for sure but I am very curious about others opinions/experiences. (BTW, I have no intention of applying for the AOS.)

Do you not want him to stay? I know you're divorcing but do you really want him to have to leave?

Hi. I don't have a problem with my husband staying in the United States. If he's able to do so on his own that would be great. HOWEVER, I don't want to be financially responsible for him and do not intend to sponsor him.

so it ended between you two because of him hiding his religion from you?

No, it didn't end just because he hid his religion from me. But even if I did, I I would be totally and completely justified. Dishonesty is completely unacceptable ESP in a long distance, international relationship, which is why I mentioned it. There were other issues but at the end of the day I was with someone whom I could not trust.

I am assuming the lies he told you could possibly effect an argument from him that the marriage was valid on the face of it?

I guess I am asking if he could petition to stay on his own merits somehow and if you would protest against that or not?

If my husband petitioned to stay here on his own I wouldn't protest it. I'm just anxious to move on with my life.

re: the validity of the relationship. I believe it was valid. i just think that there are some people who are so desperate to come to the US that they will embellish the truth to appear more compatible with their USC mates than they really are. That was my situation. He hid his religion from me until he arrived in the US. Int'l relationships are hard enough. Its too much to be with someone who's not real.

On what basis could he seek to return to the US?

I don't know what kind of visa he might seek. I know that he really wants to be here. I'm just trying to give him some friendly advice and help him see that its in his best interest to go home.

I am now officially a member of the "It just didn't work out VJ caucus".

Since my husband moved to the US a year ago on his K-3 visa, I never applied for a change in his status (AOS). Bascially, when he arrived I learned that he'd lied to me about something really important throughout our two year relationship and made things worse by telling more small lies once he was here. I tried to see if I could move past the dishonesty and other challenges, but just couldn't. I am a USC seeking the divorce against his wishes. Once its finalized he will legally have to leave the country. This I know.

My question is: If he decides to return home to Ethiopia will it help his future chances of returning to the US? I have a feeling that he won't want to leave. My thinking is that if he has a record of living in the US for a year and moving back when he was legally supposed to his chances of returning will be better in the future than if he'd never been here at all or overstayed his visa.

I know that no one can know for sure but I am very curious about others opinions/experiences. (BTW, I have no intention of applying for the AOS.)

This is the cutest thing I've ever read. My husband from Ethiopia LOVES cats. He even wants to invite strays into our house. But when it comes to dogs he doesn't really feel as strongly as I do for them. I think dogs are the cutest. But no, my husband wants the dogs to just stay outside.

S

sorry i dont have a african husband but my arab loves cats...its just the cat hates him.

he started out hating dogs but since he let me get one for our second anniversay he cant help but to love the one i got. mr. heard heart kept saying...keep that thing away from me. i dont want anything to do with it. then one day he looked at her and said...i dont know what u have done, but u make me love u. after that he started sleeping on the couch with her all the time and i lost my bed partner to a dog.

hopefully ur husband will feel the same some day.

really isnt it funny how animals just know when someone dont like them and they torment the heck out of them.

I'm glad that the thread can be helpful. There are a lot of important issues that come with trasitioning to America (or any other country for that matter). Learning the common language and getting used to the the everyday cultural issues are two examples of what people will have to learn when they get here. Since my husband has been here there have been hundreds of little things for him to learn.

And what I've observed is that it can cause a significant amount of stress --- esp. if you're trying to be successful,, start a business and make a ton of money. I really would love to hear more from people who have transitioned or who are transitioning to get a sense of how they dealt with it all -- esp. those who've never lived outside if their own country.

Sonya

This is a great thread because it made me reflect on my own expectations as the American already living here.

Right now I am a university student, so working full time is quite a challenge. Though I am doing my best, my thinking up until reading this thread was that as soon as my fiance arrives, he would be able to start working too so that we would actually have enough money pay rent and bills, etc...and I am not even sure what kind of pressure he will have from back home to add to that!

But it occurred to me right now...how soon can fiance visa holders start work? Does it take several months to get the right paperwork... I know the SSN will take some time, but I was under the impression that there was a way to start work before having that.

I really appreciate any info so that my expectations dont get too crazy!

I eat this food alittle but I'm not 100% used to it.....its call Kitfo.....basically beef tartare......rare ground beef and very popular in Ethiopia. The first time I tasted and I said, "Are you sure this is cooked." My husband said, "yes, its cooked." But when I looked at it and tasted it it just seemed like raw meat to me. Later I realized it REALLY was rare ground beef.

Lord the foods we eat for love and relationships.

Sonya

Fufu... and how he likes to eat the WHOLE chicken, fish, whatever.... (although not as bad as some I have seen in Cameroon)

Wow. So many great points.

I'm glad ppl are receptive to this discussion the person who gets off the plane from their home country will be a different person in 6 months, 12 months and even years thereafter. Things do change. Both spouses have to be patient and open to learn. Thanks for all the support and the shared stories.

Who's going to write the first chapter of our Visa Journey Guide book???? I think we should call it International Dating/Marriage for Dummies.

Sonya

Hola Ladies,

To me, this discussion is one that probably needs to be repeated on a weekly basis as things constantly change as our loved ones arrive here, learn something new etc.

I agree with everyone who said to keep their husbands/fiances busy. That is one of the best things that one can do until they find work or start school. To follow-up on the original question, perhaps we all know that there might be sadness, unmet expectations or even depression after arriving and seeing the reality of living in the United States. To me the important thing is how that depression or sadness manifests itself. If your spouse can share those feelings with you and verbalize their beliefs, that would be great! Anything to get the discussion out in the open is tantamount to weathering that bumpy road. As was said before in may different ways, no matter how you talk about it, hearing about and living in America are two totally different thing

Aww thanks. My husband's family isn't calling him all the time pressuring him for money. But I have to say that I didn't realize how much pressure he put on himself to save money, to have money and to become a success right away.

Sonya

My husband has been here three years and is still dealing with the stress of sending money home and accmulating debt. He is freaking out about all the debt he has accumulated. We had continuous discussions before he came to the U.S. about how it REALLY is in American plus he knew how hard I was struggling. It's a different story now that he's in it and his family is pressuring him to send money home. He recently changed his cell phone number so they can't call him anymore. Southernchic, I'm feeling you girl.....big time.....

I agree with Jomo's girl that a lot of people from other countries are caught up in the image of US riches and wealth and some people WON"T realize the truth until they see it with their own eyes.

For example, I constantly complained to my husband about money before he moved here and even after he came to the US but....he still didn't get it until he started working and had to contribute and help pay bills. He expected to have more money saved and more disposable income.

And I won't lie I think iit is very common for people who come here and try to live up to the American dream. Even when they go home I've heard that people try to make it seem as if they're living large when they aren't.

My husband told me that he can't go home until he has money. I never realized how much pressure there was to make money. I've heard of people who don't go home for years because they don't have any REAL money.

when immigrants don't live up all these expectations right way -- no matter how unreal they are -- its bound to cause stress. Part of my reason for posting this story to just to show that not every visa journey story is all roses and romance. People come to the US with a lot of high expections. People, like me, who bring them here also have expectations. It's a lot of work. A lot of stress. And sharing these stories, perhaps we can support each other.

Sonya

No kidding. People seem to think that America has money trees that are always in season you just go and pluck whenever you want.

My finace already has a brother who moved here a few years ago and so he knows the process is not easy let alone living here. A couple of months ago he made me give him a list of all my monthly expenses and when he finished adding it all up he just went quiet. He couldn't believe it. Of course he was comparing it to how much he spends in Ghana but in America there are so many other things that we pay for that do not even exist in Ghana. The amount of money I pay for one month's rent on my one bedroom apartment could get me a freaking mansion in Ghana for five months.

I am just happy that my finace is willing to learn about these things and understands that my salary, which sounds wonderful in Ghanaian terms, is not all that much when you look at all the endless bills that keep coming. But I don't think the reality will hit him until he is here seeing it for himself.

Absolute truth.

I am going to say it again........NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY THEY UNDERSTAND, THEY WILL NOT UNTIL THEY EXPERIENCE IT. The first phone bill nearly blew Andre away. For some reason, he thought phone calls to Jamaica were free (even though I openly complained about the bills for months, years.....)

My husband's been living in the US for less than a year now but is having a lot of stress and anxiety issues. Neither of us expected this at all.

For examplee, my husband had REALLY high expectations for starting his own business, making tons of money and learning everything as soon as he came here. Well, it hasn't quite worked out that way and he's been having some challenges.

As an American it suprises me that he has such a hard time recognizing that he's stress or telling me that he's stressed. And even more surprising is that he doesn't talk to his family about it. I never realized the expectations that folks back home have once someone leaves.

So it just makes me wonder how have others -- esp from nonwestern countries -- dealt with the stress and axiety of moving to the US and getting established???

I speak to my husband's family from time to time. Most of them don't speak English. I don't speak their language except for basic greetings. So they will say hi to me. I say hi to them but I don't try to jump on the phone to say hi, hello, how are you?, okay.........bye.....

It just so hard to really get to know people when you don't speak the same language. My husband will do a little bit of translations but....I don't chat with them much.

I don't know of any advice as to what to do. All I know is that I would be furious if my husband made me hide my natural hair every day. I would feel very hurt. My husband has certain ways that he likes to see me style my hair, but if I don't there is not any issue about it. All I can say is that you should tell him that it hurts when he wants you to hide your natural hair.

I'm so sorry that he is like that.

I'd be furious, too. Being patient and polite about it is very nice. Unfortunately, I'm not one of those sistas. Best of luck!!!

S

Your experience sounds like a black woman's worse nightmare. I am an African-American woman who wears her hair naturally (i.e. short afro). I can't imagine dealing with a man -- esp my own husband -- being fixated hair to the point where wigs would be mandatory. I wish you the best of luck but I can't imagine that the solution will be easy. Perhaps you should go to some counseling. I say this bc his issues sound very deep to me.

Also I can't help but wonder why this man would try to force this kind of aesthetic on you. Hang in there. Be strong. You're beautiful, sister.

Sonya

I am new here. I never thought I would ask for advice about my American husband, but I am very sad. I am from Ghana and my husband is a white man from Minnesota. No need to go into details, I just want to get to the issue.

It's my hair! He hates my hair. I am mad today, because he keeps asking me if I went and got my hair done before we are to go to dinner tonight. It's not just going to get my hair relaxed or washed. He wants me to wear a wig EVERY DAY! Many East African women live in Minneapolis (Ethiopian and Somali) and have long silky hair. He knows that I don't have that type of hair, as my hair is short and thick. He makes me get a long front laced wig to cover my entire head to make it seem as if I have long hair. It's real hair and real expensive. He gets mad if I take it off, even at home. I did wear wigs sometimes when I met him, but he knows what my hair really is. I feel he is ashamed of me.

At first, he didn't say anything, but now it's become his obsession. I think he is trying to hide my African looks. I am angry! I am sick of this wig!

Help me before I strangle him with this wig!

With all of the news coverage about Anna Nicole Smith and her marriage to her lawyer in the Bahamas, the news media keeps saying that her marriage may not have been valid.

I don't know the details but its raised questions in my mind. If you are married overseas is there something that must be done to "validate" a marriage once the spouse is in the US?? Clearly, my husband's here and everything but I just wanted to know if there are any additional forms to fill out or if we have to also get married in the states to make sure its 100% valid. Forgive me if this question sounds dumb but I just gotta know if I missed something.

Also best wishes to those whose spouses have recently arrived in the US.