southernchic
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Posts posted by southernchic
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Everything happens for a reason. I, too, divorced my spouse after two years of wasted time and energy. The relationship just never got off the ground because of his lies and bull. I knew right away that I wasn't going to apply for his visa. In 2008, the NVC canceled the petition once I didn't respond or follow up with them.
We followed our hearts. We found love. But if it doesn't work out....the best thing is to pick up the pieces and move on. I don't believe in regret. Just move on with hope for the future. I've found love again. I'm also optimistic. Hang in there!
S
I think he got his 10 year card in October or November something like that. He moved back to AUS by himself in January. And now we are getting a divorce. Feel like a big fool for spending all this time, money, and energy. But I guess he is free to come and go as he pleases in the US now.I hope everyones experience ends - or should I say continues - with better results than mine.
Kathleen
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ms. mermaid, suppose a spouse wants to adjust, but doesn't have the support of the USC spouse, and decides to pursue the self-sponsor with failure to file construed as abuse under VAWA option.
In terms of the USC's obligations at that point... are there any? I'm wondering if it's completely irrelevant to southernchic's case aside from her marriage failing. If the guy manages to go through the whole VAWA process to get a green card, using her failure to file as 'abuse' to qualify, it would happen independently of her at this point anyway, right?
Yes, as pushbrk has already stated. Yes, his case would be entirely separate. However, he would need documentation to prove the bonafides of the marriage. Whether he has sufficient evidence of that, and indeed whether this delay could qualify for a waiver, remains to be seen. Southernchic has not submitted an I-864 at this point, so there is no binding agreement with USCIS.
I was just curious, as I realized I didn't actually know. This is good to point out, because we get a lot of people on here worried about the dreaded faked abuse case, and I couldn't see how someone else's self-petition that did not involve (as near as I could tell) any legal or financial responsibility on the part of the USC was the cause for so much fuss.
Perhaps it makes sense to add a new FAQ or something. Its hard to believe that an abuse case wouldn't have some sort of ramifications some where down the road. Maybe the sherrif doesn't show up at your door but what if you apply for a job and there's a background check and it shows up. Its just good to know how it all works. The alien may still pursue a fake or broadly defined case and win. But ifsomeone's innocent, it would be helpful to gather stories or facts to explain what it means and what it does NOT mean down the road.
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ms. mermaid, suppose a spouse wants to adjust, but doesn't have the support of the USC spouse, and decides to pursue the self-sponsor with failure to file construed as abuse under VAWA option.
In terms of the USC's obligations at that point... are there any? I'm wondering if it's completely irrelevant to southernchic's case aside from her marriage failing. If the guy manages to go through the whole VAWA process to get a green card, using her failure to file as 'abuse' to qualify, it would happen independently of her at this point anyway, right?
I appreciate everyone's advice and perspective. If my husband decides to file based on abuse I"ll do what I can to fight it. Otherwise, my goal is to move on with my life and not look back.
I'm not sure what recourse i have. I'm not sure what I can do from a defensive position. I don't even know what impact would such a claim have against me or if it would hurt me as far as employment or some other background check is concerned. I'd love to hear more along these lines.
Otherwise, I'm SERIOUSLY over it.
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southernchic,
I am not understanding you and so forgive me, but I must ask...
How do you believe he would be using you, if you submitted the adjustment of status application?
Wouldn't that give him a means to be self-sufficient, having PR and not being tied to this marriage any more? Or is it that your objection is to the terms of the Affidavit of Support, itself? That is the part that I don't understand. The USCIS offers a benefit to an alien, compliments of a USC's petition. USCIS' approach to letting foreign nationals live here, absent the request by a USC, is "NO". But if a USC says, "I want this person to come here to live with me as my husband" the USCIS provides the privilege, unless otherwise ineligible. The only requirement that USCIS has in complying with USC's request is that he or she agree to an obligation to prevent such alien from becoming an indigent in the future. Deal done!
OK fast forward a few months. Said relationship is rocky. Parties are not getting along any more. USC wants to reneg on her deal with USCIS and turn the alien out of the marriage, and such alien will not be able to remain in the USA. Why? Because the USC is not willing to follow through with the terms of the Affidavit of Support, which clearly say...this "obligation does not end with divorce".
I guess I missed if you explained what the "lies' were all about if you declared that earlier. Perhaps if I had some inkling as to whether those lies were, i.e. Did they place question as to the validity of the marriage?, then I might not be taking this stance with your particular thread. Is there a suspicion of fraud? If there is, then you have every right not to pursue AOS with the pepetrator.
If not, my sense is that a USC that has a marriage that is in a shambles thinks that they can simply not bother to adjust status, and then that's fine...but as is has been stated earlier, by doing that the alien's future is placed in a dire position, and in a case such as this one, he will have accrued so much unlawful status, that not only his residency in this country has been compromised, or a residency based upon a future partner, but also his ability to travel here as a tourist too.
The point of this post, which was resolved pages ago, was that I was considering applying for the AOS (out of some sense of obligation) and was wondering about it and the level of responsibility. Obviously I haven't been studying up on it over the past 18 mos. I was informed that our situation does not quality because we are separated and I am seeking a divorce. Also, in order to support his AOS I'd have to pretend that we are happy, which I am not going to do. Problem resolved. My original thinking was that if I helped him and moved on I wouldn't have to worry if he's okay. But I'm not to do it if I have to lie or if I can't cut him loose after the divorce.
Then you started using words like....abuse....withholding information......control.....reneg.....not willing to follow through....simply not bother to adjust status....
None of that applies here. Yes there were lies that would lead me to believe there was fraud. That's the problem! I said there a long time ago. It would have great if you'd actually read the thread properly before questioning and taking opposition.
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He arrived more than 18 months ago, if I am reading your timeline correctly, so I am just wondering why you would perpetuate a marriage, knowing that you were not going to participate in the adjustment of status?
I didn't perpetuate a marriage knowing that I wasn't going to participate in his AOS. What I didn't do is allow myself to be used for the next 10 years once he arrived. If anything me not applying for the AOS was sign that our relationship had problems -- not that i was somehow victimizing this man. And let's be clear, he's not entitled to a GC. He wants to be here and to live illegally if he has to.
If you read the entire thread you'd know that as soon as he arrived, the you-know-what hit the fan because of his lies. But for some ungodly reason, I thought we could work it out. The only reason it has taken this long to separate from him was because he became ill and wasn't able to work for a period of time. (BTW - I took care of him with no reservations.) And even after that, I didn't push him to leave out of sympathy and compassion . The entire spirit of this thread is about my continued compassion for this man. As I said before, I'm not going to play the vicitim role but I believe I've given this man as much as I could bc he was here from another country. There is no doubt that he's enjoyed the fruits of my compassion for as long as he could. His time is up.
You all have answered my question and provided valuable visa/AOS information. At this this point, I don't see the need to pick a part my situation. Thanks.
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He arrived more than 18 months ago, if I am reading your timeline correctly, so I am just wondering why you would perpetuate a marriage, knowing that you were not going to participate in the adjustment of status?
I didn't perpetuate a marriage knowing that I wasn't going to participate in his AOS. What I didn't do is allow myself to be used for the next 10 years once he arrived. If anything me not applying for the AOS was sign that our relationship had problems -- not that i was somehow victimizing this man. And let's be clear, he's not entitled to a GC. He wants to be here and to live illegally if he has to.
If you read the entire thread you'd know that as soon as he arrived, the you-know-what hit the fan because of his lies. But for some ungodly reason, I thought we could work it out. The only reason it has taken this long to separate from him was because he became ill and wasn't able to work for a period of time. (BTW - I took care of him with no reservations.) And even after that, I didn't push him to leave out of sympathy and compassion . The entire spirit of this thread is about my continued compassion for this man. As I said before, I'm not going to play the vicitim role but I believe I've given this man as much as I could bc he was here from another country. There is no doubt that he's enjoyed the fruits of my compassion for as long as he could. His time is up.
You all have answered my question and provided valuable visa/AOS information. At this this point, I don't see the need to pick a part my situation. Thanks.
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southernchic, with the situations as you describe, he's not entitled to it. Many, if not most, file for AOS soon after their partner is eligible, and in that case, you need to show that the marriage was entered into in good faith and (here's the kicker) that it's still ongoing.
To *remove* conditions, the marriage need not still be viable. But in order to be eligible in the first place, there has to be a viable marriage. If you don't have that now, he's not eligible to adjust status.
Thanks everyone. Obviously I had some misconceptions about this part of the process. Glad I decided NOT to file for the AOS when he arrived. I feel better already. Now, I have to focus on getting the divorce and completely moving on with my life.
I am probably not going to be liked for saying this, but the alien whose USC spouse withholds information that is required for an adjustment of status application submission can be found to have "controlled" the aliens situation and that *could* play well into an abuse claim
Would you be kind enough to elaborate on what you mean and maybe give an example?
Sure. In the typical case of a marriage not well-suited, it is reasonable that a US citizen spouse might choose not to cooperate in submitting documents to adjust an alien's status, since the marriage is headed for divorce and the divorce is imminent. The issue becomes a little less clear when an USC chooses not to participate in an alien's adjustment of status, yet the marriage continues indefinitely. In some circumstances this *could* be viewed as a tool to exercise control over an alien's future. And, believe me, it has been used as a tool. (Not saying that southernchic has done this, mind you). It is a control that an alien cannot escape. The litmus test to determine whether the USC took advantage over the alien's situation and subjected the alien to psychologival abuse would relate to to length of time the alien was not able to begin to adjust his or her status, and whether or not the alien felt trapped, fell out of status, was not able to end the marriage for fear that he or she would never be able to get back in status without his or her US citizen spouse.
I can't let this go without a response. I've never withheld any information. I'm sure that your discussion of this issue is purely theorectical. But...I never intended to control my husband. I told him upfront when he arrived that I had issues about both continueing the relationship AND taking long term responsibility for him via the visa. I took care of him when he was unemployed, sick and just plain demanding. I'm not a victim and neither is he. Not trying to sound defensive. I just need to distance myself from any kind of discussion or allegation about control or abuse of any kind.
southernchic,
I wasn't necessarily stating that you had taken deliberate steps to have control over your spouse, but I can understand you being a little defensive. Let me first clarify what I am trying to convey.
If a US citizen marries a foreign-born individual, the US government extends to the alien the privilege of living in the USA with his or her citizen spouse. This is done as a benefit to the US citizen. In turn, that US citizen vouches to hold the government harmless from any requirement to keep that alien above poverty level. Now, filing an Affidavit of Support in conjunction with an Adjustment of Status application is the action that triggers that obligation to the government. When a US citizen partakes in an alien's adjustment of status, he or she is also making it possible for the alien to secure permanent residency and ultimately satisfy the Affidavit of Support~ thus relieving the US citizen of the burden to agree to support the alien and prevent the alien from becoming a ward of the government.
If the US citizen has concern about the financial obligation that he or she will inherit by participating in adjusting the alien's status, and chooses not to pursue it, in essence, the citizen is preventing the alien from moving forward in his or her immigrant process. That can be construed as having control over the alien's life.
I think this reasoning is ridiculous. If you are controlling the situation for the sake of controlling the person, then, yes, I think it's wrong. And, there are hateful people out there who do this sort of thing.
But, to withhold information that by providing said information forces you to support this person for 10 years, who MADE THEIR OWN CHOICES to basically defraud you, is smart IMO. You are controlling your own destiny. This man made his choices and now he must live with the consequences of said choices.
It is not ridiculous. I specifically said in the beginning of this discussion, that there is a clear distinction between a USC hesitating to participate in adjustment of status, for a brief period, as a direct consequence of a marriage breaking down so that he or she can proceed with divorce and spare him/herself from further financial obligations as a result of the alien, and a USC spouse that chooses not to participate in adjusting the alien's status for a protracted period of time, yet does not dismantle the marriage. Once again, for the purposes of discussion right now, let's just remove any suggestion of "fraud" from the picture, as circumstances change considerably for the USC if there is evidence of fraud on the part of the alien.
But if an alien cannot purse legal adjustment without the spouse, and yet the spouse has no impetus to get going on it, the alien falls out of status, yet is completely without options as to get back in lawful status. That is a misuse of the USC's power and *could* in certain circumstances be construed as a form of abuse.
Look let's look at it from another perspective. An alien must have the cooperation of his or her spouse to be able to submit an AOS package. An AOS package without an Affiavit of Support will be rejected. Case closed, alien is fat out of luck. Unless there has been abuse, in which case the USCIS says, "show me your abuse, and if we are satisfied, we will permit you to pursue legal immigration without your USC spouse's participation".
I totally get what you're saying. And this is a very important discussion that needs to happen. If you fall in love with someone whether they are from China or Bora Bora, you need to REALLY SERIOUSLY know and trust that person. Because if they turn out to be a not-so-great person, youwill be tied to them financially for a long time. There is no room for mistrust at all.
The US visa process puts a huge burden on the USC AND the USC VERY VERY vulnerable to abuse. The rules are so loose on the abuse side that the alien can easily claim abuse (not clear of all the implications when this happens). And the requirements are so high in terms of moving someone from living here to being a perm resident. The rules are made to protect the vulnerable visa holder. But no one should feel that they have to sign their financial life away as soon as the visa holder arrives. No offense to anyone but....when you think about the financial implications, people should take a long hard look at whether or not the risk is worth the reward for them.
I thought about the aff of support before my husband arrived but was a little freaked out about it (OMG 10 years). I figured I'd just take care of it when he arrived but I literally learned of his little secret THE DAY he arrived in the US!!!! In the end, I did the right thing for me. (Amen Jomo's girl) Maybe I should have just ended it right then and there.
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southernchic, with the situations as you describe, he's not entitled to it. Many, if not most, file for AOS soon after their partner is eligible, and in that case, you need to show that the marriage was entered into in good faith and (here's the kicker) that it's still ongoing.
To *remove* conditions, the marriage need not still be viable. But in order to be eligible in the first place, there has to be a viable marriage. If you don't have that now, he's not eligible to adjust status.
Thanks everyone. Obviously I had some misconceptions about this part of the process. Glad I decided NOT to file for the AOS when he arrived. I feel better already. Now, I have to focus on getting the divorce and completely moving on with my life.
I am probably not going to be liked for saying this, but the alien whose USC spouse withholds information that is required for an adjustment of status application submission can be found to have "controlled" the aliens situation and that *could* play well into an abuse claim
Would you be kind enough to elaborate on what you mean and maybe give an example?
Sure. In the typical case of a marriage not well-suited, it is reasonable that a US citizen spouse might choose not to cooperate in submitting documents to adjust an alien's status, since the marriage is headed for divorce and the divorce is imminent. The issue becomes a little less clear when an USC chooses not to participate in an alien's adjustment of status, yet the marriage continues indefinitely. In some circumstances this *could* be viewed as a tool to exercise control over an alien's future. And, believe me, it has been used as a tool. (Not saying that southernchic has done this, mind you). It is a control that an alien cannot escape. The litmus test to determine whether the USC took advantage over the alien's situation and subjected the alien to psychologival abuse would relate to to length of time the alien was not able to begin to adjust his or her status, and whether or not the alien felt trapped, fell out of status, was not able to end the marriage for fear that he or she would never be able to get back in status without his or her US citizen spouse.
I can't let this go without a response. I've never withheld any information. I'm sure that your discussion of this issue is purely theorectical. But...I never intended to control my husband. I told him upfront when he arrived that I had issues about both continueing the relationship AND taking long term responsibility for him via the visa. I took care of him when he was unemployed, sick and just plain demanding. I'm not a victim and neither is he. Not trying to sound defensive. I just need to distance myself from any kind of discussion or allegation about control or abuse of any kind.
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Now, I have to focus on getting the divorce and completely moving on with my life.
I know this is easier said than done, so good for you, and best of luck!
You're right. Honestly, its hard to bring someone to the US and see all the things that they have to learn and discover to survive here and not worry if they'll be okay once you cut them off -- esp if you know that that person makes really bad decisions. Moving on won't be a piece of cake bc my husband was always a very sweet guy, but it has to happen. I'm very optimistic about my future. I'm just glad that I protected myself by not applying for the AOS.
thanks for the support.
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southernchic, with the situations as you describe, he's not entitled to it. Many, if not most, file for AOS soon after their partner is eligible, and in that case, you need to show that the marriage was entered into in good faith and (here's the kicker) that it's still ongoing.
To *remove* conditions, the marriage need not still be viable. But in order to be eligible in the first place, there has to be a viable marriage. If you don't have that now, he's not eligible to adjust status.
Thanks everyone. Obviously I had some misconceptions about this part of the process. Glad I decided NOT to file for the AOS when he arrived. I feel better already. Now, I have to focus on getting the divorce and completely moving on with my life.
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I have no intentions of lieing to the the US government. On one hand it didn't work out. But on the other hand, I'm ending it bc I don't want to take a chance that this guy might be totally insincere.
At the beginning of the relationship I told him that he had to honest with me. I told him I'd doubt if he was in this for real or for papers. Bu he lied anyway. I don't nec think the relationship was fake but I'm not sure if he was real with me either. I don't know.
But you would be lying to the US government if you went through AOS because in order to do so you would have to pretend that you were still happily married...
I wasn't aware of the details of the AOS process. I'd read that if the relationship was legit then he's sort of entitled to it. But I'm not going to lie and pretend that we're a happily married couple. That's not going to happen. Again, the relationships more or less FELT legit. But I know that he lied to create an image that he was compatible with me. And when someone is that dishonest you never know what's going on until its too late. i know that him lieing wasn't just about the visa. But i'll leave the discussion for another time.
Thanks for the advice everyone. Its clear to me that helping this guy is out of the question for many reasons. I worry about him a lot. But I'll get over it I guess. Its just another lesson learned. International relationships are very very serious.
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I have no intentions of lieing to the the US government. On one hand it didn't work out. But on the other hand, I'm ending it bc I don't want to take a chance that this guy might be totally insincere.
At the beginning of the relationship I told him that he had to honest with me. I told him I'd doubt if he was in this for real or for papers. Bu he lied anyway. I don't nec think the relationship was fake but I'm not sure if he was real with me either. I don't know.
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Dear VJ community:
I'm truly between a rock and a hard place. My husband and I are now separated and heading towards divorce. After almost 2 years of drama and mental anguish dealing with this man, I am ready to move on with my life. As soon as he arrived in the US i learned that he'd been lying to me about some serious issues. I tried to see if there was a way to work it out but I kept catching in lie after lie after lie.
Finally I had enough and forced him to leave. Mind you, he was telling me that he loved me and couldn't live without me but when he knew his time was coming to an end (just before he moved out) I discovered that he was on dating sites aggressively looking to meet other women.
THE CHALLENGE IS THIS. I know for a fact that he'd rather live in the US illegally than to return to his home country without a wife, a child or money. His family doesn't even know that we're separated. I worry about him living in the US as an illegal. But my delimna is that I don't want to sponsor him. To date, I haven't even applied for the AOS. Time is running out. I have to make up my mind.
This isn't about punishment or revenge. Its about not wanting to be a victim and not wanting having financial responsibility for this guy. Did we have a legit relationship? Maybe. But I'm not sure because he's lied so much and had he not lied in the first place we'd probably never have gotten marrried.
Part of me wants to help him out of compassion over how he will survive as an illegal. But there is another part of me that just wants to cut ties. I welcome respectful and non-judgemental advice - esp from those who've experienced something like this. here are my three questions:
Should I help him or cut ties and walk away?
Is is possible to help with the AOS process and to end my sponsorship some time down the road?
What is the level of financial obligation for a sponsor? Under what conditions would I have to pay money?
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IMHO, if people don't want to hear negative stories on VJ they shouldn't read threads about immigration fraud. This message header was 100% clear about its stated purpose: to give people a space to talk about international love gone bad via fraud.
Now if you're not in a space to read that, then skip over it and focus on something else. Simple. There are lots of different topics and postings here on VJ. There's plenty of room here in cyberspace for people to read happy stories and sad stories.
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My husband, never once during our courtship, or even now we are married, has ever asked me to send him money. After getting married, and being there for 3 months, I made the conscious choice out of love and concern, to send him money regularly. He actually refused to accept it in the beginning, and I had to resort to just telling him I sent it, and he better go pick it up! I wanted him to live comfortably and safely while we waited for him to get here. (little did we know it would take this long!)
Fortunately my husband knows of the many financial issues we face here in the US, although he doesnt quite understand them all yet. And we were lucky to have spent lots of time together there so I could explain much of this to him. Although I make a good living, most of it goes to mortgage, bills, kids etc. So I am by no means "well to do". I just changed the way I spent frivolously on stupid stuff (eating out, renting movies, compulsive shopping, etc) and had a little extra to send him.
IMO...this would be a "red flag" to me if he is making you feel guilty for not sending money. And I would be suspicious and upset of people he calls "his friends" if they are encouraging these behaviors, or feeding him negative ideas about you or your intentions.
Has this been an ongoing issue? Without knowing more about the relationship, I would say you really need to consider his real intentions. I just feel if someone really loves you, they would not expect or demand money. And they would trust you. After all we are doing alot to get them over here. He should understand that. If he doesnt, then I'm not sure what to do next. I'm sorry you are going thru this..My thoughts and prayers are with you.
God Bless
Amen. My husband NEVER asked for money before moving to the US. He certainly had high expectations when he get there but that's another story.
The idea of your hubby pressuring you and laying guilt trips doesn't sound good. You gotta do what you think is best...but believe me....don't get sucked in the feeling too much American guilt. Your husband is still an African man. And I'd find it hard to believe that if he were married to a woman from his country that he'd be tripping like this. C'mon Let's keep it real. An African man who has no money, has no wife.
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I don't have anything to offer in terms of the immigrant claiming abuse. But I just want to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Don't worry about others possibly feeling that you are being vindictive. In my opinion, you are simply handling your business.
Wish you the best!
Chin up!
Boaz
Thanx!
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for me it depends on what this situation means. there are some things that even done once, are not forgivable. my first impression is also what mona_jamie said. open your eyes and do what you think is right. if you love him and believe he truly loves you (and is sorry for whatever he did) then go for it. be careful
I don't know this guy but I agree that you need to follow your insticts here. WHY would a man be looking for another woman after only being married for 3 months? Would you EVER tolerate this from an American man? NO!!!
He's an adult and he knows his behavior is completely unacceptable. Stay strong!!
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Immigration authorities who review these cases are not strangers to the situation. What normally happens is that the "battered" or "abused" spouse files a domestic violence claim, seeking a restraining order, and in most cases, the counterpart spouse does not object, appear or contest the proceedings. That stands as the ticket for the immigrant to get the adjustment of status under I-360. If the do NOT prevail in those proceedings, however, they do need some sort of evidence...police reports, photographs, something to show that there was some sort of abuse of violence.
But even that being said, unfortunately, immigration does give the immigrant a lot of leeway.
If they have gone to see an immigration attorney, and they did not go through with the domestic violence restraining order process, the immigration attorney will set them up with a psychologist, to deal with "post traumatic stress" secondary to domestic violence, and then the psychologist (who is basically a hired gun for the attorney) will write a report that the attorney will use as support for the I-360, saying how the poor immigrant was so traumatized and abused...held captive by the USC...not allowed to seek gainful employment...used as a sex slave...and on and on the story will go. Such a report WILL be entertained by the immigration court in its determination of whether the immigrant can obtain permanent status irrespective of the marital status which served as a basis for coming to the US.
Can the USC fight back? I think that, if you wrote to the immigration service where you had the interview and asked for the right to testify in the event that any proceedings arise under I-360, your letter would be permanently part of the immigrant's file, and you would be contacted about the situation. Again, the immigration people are not strangers to this, it happens quite frequently, and they are not inclined to put up with this kind of thing. So, any information to disallow this sort of stuff would be welcomed (or should be welcomed...).
Hey. thanks for the information. when my husband arrived, I NEVER applied for the AOS. He's only living in the US on his K-3 visa. At it currrently stands, I do not intend to help him apply for anything.
Before people try to jump down my throat, let me be clear. I'm not trying to be vindictive. I just want to end a relationship with someone who has taken advantage of my support and trust. I want to move on with my life. When the relationship is over I want to be able to walk away 100%.
The reason for asking question is because as I prepare to file divorce I just want to be aware of all possible angles and what to look out for if my husband attempts to do something shady.
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Whether it is appropriate to eat ice cream in bed
OMG this is very funny!!!
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I suppose there is a difference between claiming abuse for the purpose of a waiver to file adjustment of status versus filing suit against their husband (civil or criminal charge). The petitioner filing the waiver must show the marriage was entered in good faith and as well show proof of abuse (sworn statements from friends/family, police statements, etc)... The USCIS does not co-mingle with local civil authorities so someone falsely claiming abuse is more likely to have the USCIS deport them (or deny waiver) versus reporting an "alleged" abuse case. If there was proof then the spouse would need to bring that the the civil authorities. I hope that makes sense.
It makes some sense. Let me just clarify. I am the USC. My husband is the alien person. As I move forward with separating and divorce, I am curious if I need to be prepared for all possible scenarios including the possbility of the possible abuse card. And what the possible impact would be is the alien has already filed these papers?
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I'm reading through all of the FAQs and read the information about how an alien can self-apply for AOS based on abuse. I'm confused. How can an alien do this? Don't they have to have proof? And what happens to the alleged abuser? I'm concerned about what I've read in other places and don't get how an alien can just say that were abused without proof. And I don't see who this doesn't hurt the USC.
If a USC finds out their alien spouse accuses them of abuse can't they fight back? or file some sort of papers as a rebuttal?
thanks for answering my qs/
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What you fail to realize is that people marry their husband/wives believing that they are wonderful, awesome and incredible people. If you read the posts in the 'adusting" section you'll see story after story about how poeple who are wonderful overseas and come here and cut a natural fool (or were percieved to do so). I'm not saying its all the immigrants fault but obviously there are a lot os USC in states of shock. Some of it may be cultural I don't know. Either way, if you marry someone from a country where they can't come to the US on their own there is a chance that they have ulterior motives. They may be in love, yes, but at the same time they may also see their love as an opportunity for a better life for them and their entire family. It doesn't mean that ALL immigrants but there's a chance. Just like if a rich man marries there's a chance his wife may not be as willing to put up with him as he thought she would be before they got married. Its just human nature. Let's keep it real.
I am married and I am current living without trust. It didn't start out that way, For most of the time during my relationship I got to know him and trusted him. And I thought I got what he was about. Once he arrived in the US things changed. Let me be clear. Things changed because my husbant thought that I was a God fearing woman who loved him soooo much that I'd forgive him and we'd just be happy. What he didn't realize was the he'd F"D up. And maybe that's where culture comes in because in his country women don't confront their men the way they do here. Maybe in his country men get away with bad behavior. We certainly see it here in the US. So its not a stretch for a man from a male-doninated society to think that he doesn't have to be accountable even when he's wrong.
So if you want to know how someone can live without trust there you have it. The reality is that its not the end of the world. Similar things happen between USC. We will all survie. But...the issue is that ending the relationship is little bit harger BECAUSE he's an immigrant. You bring him here and you want to give it time to work. You want to feel as if you've tried to understand his culture versus personality. You realize that he WILL NEVER just leave and return home. You factor in his visa status and his future. You feel guilty asking him to leave. After all that happens, you realize that you don't wanna put up with his bs, his culture or whatever anymore. You just want YOUR LIFE back.
Every relationship is different. And I honestly believe that an international relationship COULD work. But as others have said more eloquently than me, do your homework on the front end, spend a lot of time with the SO before he moves here and keep the faith.
I see your point and I respect what you said but at the end of the day I have to wonder if all the spying, mistrust and suspision on the front end is not dooming the relationship from the beginning.
I am not going into marriage with blinders on. I know that it is not a bed of roses but I am also not going to consume myself on the off chance that he may be in it for something else.
I'm sorry maybe I am just too naive or young or something.
I never spied on my husband until he gave me a reason to and that was only after he moved here. i will keep saying over and over again. We ALL have to do what we need to do. Fall in love. Get married. Take a risk. That's what life is all about. When I was getting to know my husband it was an exciting experience. With each email he sent to me, I was thrilled. I looked forward to it. No one can take that away from me. It is better to be in the game of love -- even if you fail -- than to sit on the sidelines with your arms folded complaining that there aren't any good men out there. That's why we are all here. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.
Best wishes,
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I first want to say I have been very busy in this new life with a new job and a new husband and have not been posting as much as I probably should and I hope I can post a bit more especially if I can help someone in their journey.
I have been reading this post and I personally feel this is a very good post. We need to try to let the ones coming after us know not only the good but the bad also as any marriage has. I need to tell you ladies to be very careful of your personal computers and your telephones especially your cell phones. I also want to inform you that there are ways to protect yourself when you have a personal computer in your home with Internet Access. There is software on the market that can moniter your pc. If anyone wants more information about what I am talking about just pm me and I will give you details. Some telephone companies allow you to keep track of phone calls on a daily basis and AT&T is one of them. No matter how you trust your husband always take care of you first. Always try to stay one step ahead of satan and rebuke him in the name of Jesus.
We have to remember that our fiances or husbands had a life before they met us and some of these people that were in their lives will continue to be in their lives. All I am saying is to keep your eyes open and be cautious of these people that are being called cousins, sisters, extended family and aunts. If you see a lot of chatting, text messaging, and phone calls going on between your husband or fiance and a cousin ask questions. This just could not be a cousin. And no matter how close you think you are to his family just remember that it is his family not yours and they all could be in on whatever is going on. Stay in prayer my sisters and brothers and always remember that there is someone on VJ who is going through the same thing that you are so dont think or feel that you are alone.
What kind of marriage can you have if you are constantly suspicious of your spouse? I don't understand it. You are not the first to say this but to all who think that you need to watch your spouse, are you happy? Are you fulfilled in your marriage? I have never been married but I know that no man is worth it if I constantly have suspicious thoughts about him.
Sorry, but this issue is really eating at me. Did you not think about this before you got married? If you are unsure about his intentions then why not get out of the marriage?
Marriage is about love, trust, compromise and adjustment. Do you think that your spouse cannot sense these uncertainties that you have? Maybe this is what leads them to go out and do what they do.
How do you have love without trust?
So now, are all of us supposed to go out and get these spying devices, install them on our computers and cell phones and be suspicious of every little thing? I am sorry but until my man gives me a reason to mistrust him I will not. What does that say about me and my commitment to this relationship?
If you look hard enough, you will see that which isn't there.
What you fail to realize is that people marry their husband/wives believing that they are wonderful, awesome and incredible people. If you read the posts in the 'adusting" section you'll see story after story about how poeple who are wonderful overseas and come here and cut a natural fool (or were percieved to do so). I'm not saying its all the immigrants fault but obviously there are a lot os USC in states of shock. Some of it may be cultural I don't know. Either way, if you marry someone from a country where they can't come to the US on their own there is a chance that they have ulterior motives. They may be in love, yes, but at the same time they may also see their love as an opportunity for a better life for them and their entire family. It doesn't mean that ALL immigrants but there's a chance. Just like if a rich man marries there's a chance his wife may not be as willing to put up with him as he thought she would be before they got married. Its just human nature. Let's keep it real.
I am married and I am current living without trust. It didn't start out that way, For most of the time during my relationship I got to know him and trusted him. And I thought I got what he was about. Once he arrived in the US things changed. Let me be clear. Things changed because my husbant thought that I was a God fearing woman who loved him soooo much that I'd forgive him and we'd just be happy. What he didn't realize was the he'd F"D up. And maybe that's where culture comes in because in his country women don't confront their men the way they do here. Maybe in his country men get away with bad behavior. We certainly see it here in the US. So its not a stretch for a man from a male-doninated society to think that he doesn't have to be accountable even when he's wrong.
So if you want to know how someone can live without trust there you have it. The reality is that its not the end of the world. Similar things happen between USC. We will all survie. But...the issue is that ending the relationship is little bit harger BECAUSE he's an immigrant. You bring him here and you want to give it time to work. You want to feel as if you've tried to understand his culture versus personality. You realize that he WILL NEVER just leave and return home. You factor in his visa status and his future. You feel guilty asking him to leave. After all that happens, you realize that you don't wanna put up with his bs, his culture or whatever anymore. You just want YOUR LIFE back.
Every relationship is different. And I honestly believe that an international relationship COULD work. But as others have said more eloquently than me, do your homework on the front end, spend a lot of time with the SO before he moves here and keep the faith.
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I've read a lot of people's view of faith and how it insures success in marriage. I thought I'd share this passage that sums up an alternative theology for people's reading.
Best
http://www.rbc.org/bible_study/answers_to_...wers/30841.aspx
Isn't it a sign of deficient faith when a sick Christian isn't healed or a Christian isn't delivered from danger?
It would be a serious mistake to imply that deficient faith accounts for all instances in which a person does not receive healing or deliverance.
It's true that Scripture tells of people who were healed or delivered from danger because of their faith. Some examples are Gideon ( Judges 7:15-23 ); Naaman the Syrian ( 2 Kings 5:14-15 ); Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego ( Daniel 3:19-29 ); the centurion's servant ( Matthew 8:13 ); the woman with an issue of blood ( Matthew 9:20-22 ); the man with a withered hand ( Matthew 12:9-13 ); and Peter's deliverance from prison ( Acts 12:5-12 ). Even this partial list is impressive.
Clearly, faith in God may result in healing and deliverance. However, the Scriptures also show us just as clearly that there are times when a believer's suffering or sickness has nothing to do with a lack of faith.
When Job lost his family, wealth, and physical health, his friends "comforted" him with the message that his loss and suffering were due to his own moral failure (his lack of faith). But Job was confident in his integrity before God. God Himself had declared him perfect and upright ( Job 1:8 ). Later, God Himself denied the explanation that Job's "counselors" gave for his suffering ( Job 13:1-15 ). Even more importantly, God Himself denounced their words ( Job 42:7-8 ).
Job's faith wasn't the problem. In fact, Job's faith in God was so strong that he, without cursing or disrespect, defended his integrity to God and questioned Him about the injustice of his suffering. Yet, in the midst of his agony, he continued to trust:
Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Even so, I will defend my own ways before Him. He also shall be my salvation, for a hypocrite could not come before Him (Job 13:15-16).
For I know that my Redeemer lives, and He shall stand at last on the earth; and after my skin is destroyed, this I know, that in my flesh I shall see God, whom I shall see for myself, and my eyes shall behold, and not another. How my heart yearns within me! (Job 19:25-27).
Job's faith was eventually rewarded and vindicated. But he wasn't spared the terrible suffering that allowed his faith to be tested and proven.
Even at a time when miracles often occurred, God allowed Stephen to be stoned ( Acts 7:59-60 ) and James to be beheaded. Although Acts 12 tells of Peter's supernatural deliverance from captivity in prison, Jesus had already prophesied that he would eventually die a martyr's death ( John 21:17-19 ), as (according to tradition) did all of the other disciples except John.
In 2 Corinthians 11:23-30 Paul eloquently described the suffering and trials from which he hadn't been delivered. He also suffered from a particular "thorn in the flesh" ( 2 Corinthians 12:7, 10 ) for which God had not provided a remedy. When Timothy suffered from a stomach ailment, Paul didn't exhort him to have greater faith. Instead he told him to take some wine as medicine ( 1 Timothy 5:23 ). There isn't the slightest hint in these passages that Paul's trials and Timothy's sickness were the product of unconfessed sin or deficient faith. In fact, rather than proclaiming that our faith in Christ should deliver us from the suffering and trials of this world, Paul extols the spiritual benefits of suffering.
We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance [produces] character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us (Romans 5:3-5).
James also made it clear that strong faith is no insurance against suffering:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything (James 1:2-4).
On the basis of Scripture, we can say that faith is always relevant to suffering. Our reaction to suffering -- whether in faith or in despair -- determines whether it will produce spiritual growth or despair. But because spiritual healing is more important to us than our physical circumstances, faith is not a barrier against suffering.
Whenever we are inclined to presume that the illness or suffering of another person is the result of that person's sin, we should recall the foolishness of Job's "counselors" in attempting to explain the mystery of God's will. Although faith won't always deliver us from tribulation, it will keep us conscious of God's promises and of the assurance that He will work everything out to good of His children ( Romans 8:28 ).
Dan Vander Lugt
Prenup
in Adjustment of Status (Green Card) from K1 and K3 Family Based Visas
Posted
The USC spouse shouldn't let the inequality of the situation guilt him/her into not protecting themselves. Common sense people should have pre-nups in general. People should at least know what the state's laws are before getting hitched. This is esp true when someone from overseas arrives with little to nothing. Can't work. Needs lots of support and TLC to survive in the US.
That being said, both spouses needs to have realistic expectations that inequities will exist for quite some time. Spouses should also be realistic about the the levels of trust that will grow as the relationship grows. You don't arrive in the US with the exact same relationship as if you've been living in the same country for years and years.
Both spouse are making an investment. But the US citizen shouldn't allow their judgement to be clouded because of love. I can't tell you how many postings I've read about spouses who arrived in the US for only for love fur just can't bear to leave after living here for two years. Hey, I'm divorced. I didn't lose anything in the deal. But it could have easily NOT turned out that way had the state's law been different.
A pre-nup is just a common sense protection for everyone -- esp USC marrying non USCs.
S