evoria

On ‎8‎/‎20‎/‎2017 at 1:17 AM, Auds said:

 

I thought your husband was not sure of parentage!  I am surprised he now says he never touched the girl?!?  Why do the test in the first place...

 

Sister has taken on child raising a random child - I am sure she would have believed her brother if he clearly said to her he did not sleep with the random woman - there is more to this then you can see I am sure.

 

Hugs to you and in the scheme of things I hope this child finds a home.

My Husband has always said that, the boy was not his son.  There is a lot I did not post because it was not relevant to what I feel is the most important part of this story, a small boy with no family.  The backstory is on one trip to Ghana the mother did come to the house while I was there, screaming and shouting that he was her child's father and my husband said he was not.  Again, as a woman, old and  smart enough to understand that  men can get in to trouble and lie.  My objective was to try and understand both sides, however that day she was so crazy we could never have a real dialogue. Sometime after I left Ghana and my husband was in the US she dropped the kid off at my Mother-in-laws and left.   Although the boy is about 5 now (of course we really have no idea) the question of if he did or did not sleep with the girl at this point makes no difference. I still want to try and do what is best for the boy, so when my husband goes home in December we will take the advice of many here and started with finding a lawyer, and locating the mother, and trying to understand the process for adoption.  I have read stories that this may take several years, and by Gods grace we have several years of him living with my sister in law where he is safe and loved.  Meanwhile I will continue to be his Aunty and buy him clothes and toys and praying he grows up never knowing what really happen and he can believe my husband is his dad, or uncle or whatever.  

18 minutes ago, Ontarkie said:

I'm so sorry.

 

Not sure how to tell his sister, does she ask about it? If she does you can say something like - It should be any day now. Then say something like - I hope it confirms he's (husband's name) I don't know what to do if he's not. See what she says then. 

 

I know your husband was adamant it was not his child right from the start surely his sister knew that also? If she accepted him knowing that then I would hope nothing would change. She's raised him and surely has a good bond with him. 

 

Does the boy's bio mom have relatives? It may be time to make sure he has a relationship with them in case your sister inlaw passes while he is still young.  

That's a good way to do it. I am also hoping she will continue to raise him.  I am afraid my husband will tell her or someone because he has been made the villain and he kept saying he never touch the girl but I know men too.   We will continue to search for his relatives, and try to find his mother.  We are going to Ghana in December, we will tell them what we know (they will not believe us, but whatever) and let them know my sister in law may not be able to do this much longer, they need a plan.  Thanks everyone for the good advice and sympathetic ear. 

On 7/24/2017 at 6:26 PM, Auds said:

Any update for us?  Hoping for this little child and full of respect for you.

Just got the results.  My husband has 0% chance of being the boys father.  I have to admit, I am sad.  My husband is afraid to tell his sister.  I would like to hope she would continue to take care of him.  I am still willing to adopt, but I wish we could find the mother, this is a sad situation.  I am now so afraid for this little boy.   I mean the sister is going to ask, what happen with the test?  Do we lie?  This is a living mess for this child. 

On 7/24/2017 at 6:26 PM, Auds said:

Any update for us?  Hoping for this little child and full of respect for you.

Finally the sample has left Ghana via UPS.  It was tough getting the local office to understand that it was

pre-paid.  The package is expected in the US late Thursday 8/10.  We should know by 8/16 or so.  I will update then.

12 minutes ago, Auds said:

Any update for us?  Hoping for this little child and full of respect for you.

Thanks for asking. As a matter of fact the DNA package arrived in Ghana today.  Fed Ex was able to deliver to her house and she has it.  They are going to pick it up when its ready.  I pray she does it correctly.  I mean its not hard, she seemed to understand.  We will drop my husbands in the mail tomorrow.  We did not have too much lead time before the boys was sent off.  Once received by DDC it takes about 2 business days. I will be sure to return with the results.  May as soon as next week. 

9 minutes ago, IcezMan_IcezLady said:

Did y'all try the at home DNA testing? $368 seems like a lot of money to me. DNA testing is now common in Ghana. But I hope you get your answers.

No I figured by the time we did Fed Ex from the US to Ghana and back it would be at least $200.  Thank you

2 minutes ago, IcezMan_IcezLady said:

Of course she would.. even animals know their babies.

I have heard of stories of people trying to bring family members as their own. People who would not qualify under the family-based immigration category. That's why DNA was introduced into immigration system, this was absent years ago.

That is what I was telling my husband he was like just file and forget DNA, I will accept him.  I said no because I am 100% certain they would ask for DNA and we would have wasted money if he turns out not to be your son and this would be a serious red flag if we come back and try to get him here another way.  If he is not, we can begin to try and locate his family, start adoption or come up with some back-up for this boy.  Some may think I am crazy to say I pray he is my husband's; but this is a 5 year old who is one heartbeat from being on the street.  It makes me sick to think about it.  He does not deserve that, every child deserves a family.  

Just now, IcezMan_IcezLady said:

Are you sure this child is not your sister-in-law's baby? Because i am surprised that you are hoping that they don't ask for a DNA test.

I hope I am wrong but others have tried this and failed at this embassy.

LOL.  No my sister in Law is very old.  That is why it scares me that,God forbid she is unable to continue to take care of this child, he will end up in the streets.  By the way the DNA company was very nice.  My sister in law can do the test all in one - walk into to Fed Ex, swab the little fellas mouth, and put the swabs right back in an envelope and they will be on there way back to the lab.  Two days once both samples are back in the lab we will have results.  The cost was not too bad, $368, this included the additional fed ex postage to send it back. 

37 minutes ago, Boiler said:

Please let us know the results.

Definitely.  I appreciate all the comments. 

20 minutes ago, Auds said:

OP - refers to Original Poster

 

I dont think people get the different cultures and norms.  If the father is not OPs husband and unknown man will be next to impossible to track.

 

OPs husband cheated with this woman.  If there's another man or men that's so far fetched to find when even the mother seems difficult to track.

 

i do think the child is of OPs husband as it seems this was an affair and she knew his address, sister's address etc.  sounds more like a full blown affair than a fling.

 

Take one thing at a time, do the DNA test.  I feel your husband may have made the child seem like Likely not his to reduce guilt.  If its negative then look at adoption options.

 

i respect your honourable intentions and happy to know inspite of issues with your husband you have put the unknown child first.

Thanks for your comment.  Many who commented are from countries that are easy to immigrate from or those with great legal and child care systems that is not the case here.  I am a very self-reliant and confident person and realistic.  I understand the entire story and who knows who and what had to happen where my husband and I even to be in this situation.  Right now I am concerned for the child.  My sister in law is older and may not always be there for the child.  My current concern is the child. 

I contacted a DNA company they can do the DNA however it will not count for immigration.  Not sure why they are a AABB certified.  No matter we are scheduled and should have results soon.

6 minutes ago, Ontarkie said:

All good point but the last part the mother does not give up her rights to the child. She just needs to give consent to let him move to the US. She still keeps all her rights if she ever wants visitations and what not. He can even petition for his mother later as an adult.  

For the child's sake the best thing is for my husband to be the father.  If he is we begin the process of getting him in a position to come to the US.  It will take time; getting shots, trying to find the mother, or the mothers family, finding a birth certificate (who knows where and how to do that especially when you don't really know when ore where he was born).   My sister in law has had him since he was two.  She has not been able to find out anything.  He is at the age where its no big deal, but we need to get this worked out for the little fella, one way or the other. 

1 minute ago, Boiler said:

Presumably your Husband knows who she is, her name etc.

 

Did he declare the child on his Immigration paperwork?

He does and no he did not.

1 minute ago, Coco8 said:

In the meantime, you could find out if the kid has a birth certificate or you will need to request one. You could also talk to a family lawyer in Ghana to make sure you will be able to take the kid from Ghana without the mother's consent. She abandoned him so maybe there is a way to either give your husband full custody if he is the father or to create some legal document; you don't want to he mother to find out the kid is in the US and want money from you by threatening to take the kid back. She sounds pretty emotionally unstable. 

 

The kid also needs to get his immunization shots. They are required for the medical. If he is missing many, for kids they sometimes need to be spaced out a bit, so he should start now. 

Thanks CoCo,

That is what I worry about is her coming back after many years and causing problems.  She would definitely be after money. Also, good point on the shots, I had not thought of that one. If he is the Father, I think in Ghana the Father has the advantage for custody.  I think, like other's have said it is prudent to know for sure before we apply.  

If he is not - we can work on plan B, tracking down the girl or some family member, going to a lawyer and trying to have my sister in law get custody so we can have some form of back up for the child in case of the worse case scenario.  I don't know if finding the Mom is even possible.  If it is not my husband's there is no way of know who the dad is. 

Thanks for the additional information - Great things to consider. 

1 minute ago, EmilyW said:

@evoria, I have no advice other than that which is listed above, but I just wanted to say that I think you're very kind hearted in wanting to do the best by this baby.  You're good people.  We need more of those.

Thank you Emily.

20 minutes ago, NuestraUnion said:

Because the biological father may not even know he has a child. This happened to one of my closest friends years ago. An exgirlfriend came back after 4 years to tell him he had a child. he never knew. Today he and his daughter have a wonderful relationship.

 

It is unfair and kind of selfish to rob a person to have a chance to be a father to his child if they never knew before.

20 minutes ago, NuestraUnion said:

Because the biological father may not even know he has a child. This happened to one of my closest friends years ago. An exgirlfriend came back after 4 years to tell him he had a child. he never knew. Today he and his daughter have a wonderful relationship.

 

It is unfair and kind of selfish to rob a person to have a chance to be a father to his child if they never knew before.

You guys are sooo right, if its not my husbands child and my sister in law is no long available to take care of him I will let him wonder the streets till he finds his dad.  Are y'all missing the point.  THE MOTHER IS GONE in a small country with millions of people.  If she did not know who the father was how am I supposed to know.  Thank everyone.  DNA test was the answer I was looking for, NOT JUDGEMENT. 

3 minutes ago, Ontarkie said:

He has two parents. If your husband is not the father He still has a mother and a bio father who can raise the child (the man may not even know about his child).  

Immigration for the child is not likely going to happen unless he is your husbands. That and you will still need to track down the mother for her permission to take the child out of the country. 

If the child is not my husband's it really puts the child in a difficult place.  Its just sad.  Thanks for your comments.

7 minutes ago, DILAW said:

Yes, look for the father and the girl.  Its their child after all.  Its sad for a child to be raised by a different family knowing his own parents abandoned them.  Its good for the child to be raised by his parents.  I am shocked 3 years went by and you didn't get a DNA test to see if your husband was or did cheat on you.  Something about this story I don't get

Which part are you missing?  Oh, you are stuck on the cheating!  Move on I have.  It is good for a child to be raised by his mother, it is sad the mother did not think so.

3 minutes ago, DILAW said:

Yes, look for the father and the girl.  Its their child after all.  Its sad for a child to be raised by a different family knowing his own parents abandoned them.  Its good for the child to be raised by his parents.  I am shocked 3 years went by and you didn't get a DNA test to see if your husband was or did cheat on you.  Something about this story I don't get

 Again not the point, the mother is gone, I am looking for the father I am, I am looking at my husband and that is as far as I will look.  If he is we can deal with that, but the CHILD is my concern.  You are missing the gravity of what I am saying.  There is a great big looming case that my sister in law may not be there to take care of him and he will be an orphan on the street.  His mother is GONE in a country of a millions of people, no one can find her. 

2 minutes ago, DILAW said:

I agree with you.  Adopting a child is not an easy thing.  I also believe the real parents must be given multiple chances to raise their own kids because it's good for the kids themselves.  Maybe I am a mean person, but how is someone willing to take a kid that just jumped in their life by being claimed to be their spouse's child.  I think the story is a bit shady

Wow, I am just trying to be a good person.  The girl left the child, we are not sure if she id dead or alive.  She just left the child with an old woman.  Trust me this is an unselfish act for the child.  Why she left and where she is - is not the issue.  I want to do what is best in the long run for a little boy.  Again, my husband cheated - I am a big girl I understand that I am not 100% myself.  But I understand that this little boy would be in the street without the kindness of my sister-in-law who is too old to take care of a small boy.  My husband to date does not claim this child but we help because it is the right thing to do.  He is an innocent child in all this and deserves to be safe.  I want to make sure in the worse case scenario he has an option if we can give it to him. 

4 minutes ago, jefraylee said:

On the receipt of my DNA it was HOLY TRINITY CLINIC address on it, But you can use the AABB accredited centers for the DNA process though you guys are not recommended by the Embassy to do it, but I believe they have partnership with the HOLY TRINITY CLINIC so the best is to jump on the phone and talk to the clinic for better information.

Thank you

2 minutes ago, DILAW said:

If the child was born soon after you got married, then your spouse cheated on you, unless you knew him less than 9 months before getting married.  I am not sure why you say "I pray they don't request a DNA test."  You should get a DNA test to make sure if the child is his or not.  If the child is not his, you need a lawyer.  I think the child needs his real parents.  If thats your spouse then good, but if not then you must find his real parent

The girl abandon the child.  If it is not my husbands, why should I search for the father or her?  She has been gone for 3 years without a word.

6 minutes ago, JFH said:

Is this really on the best interests of the child? Bringing him to a foreign country to live with two complete strangers when he has formed a bond with your sister-in-law (and she presumably with him)? Adoption is a very complex issue. I have been a foster parent in the past and also considered adopting a child. Removing a child from the familiar surroundings should only be done when there is no other option. I suggest you fully research the effect of adopting a child of this age and prepare yourself for the struggles you will have. He won't just step off a plane and into your waiting arms with a smile on his face. He is likely to feel great resentment at being wrenched from his home. There are some great books on the subject - I urge you to read them. If you go ahead with this you have a very tough road ahead. I attended some very good adoption seminars - see if you can find some in your area. 

My sister-in-law is older and it is getting too much for her.  God forbid something happens to her and we will be pulling our hair out trying to find somewhere for the child.  If it is my husbands child, and even if he stays in Ghana he would at least we would be able to get him to the US if there is no one else there to take care of him.

43 minutes ago, Boiler said:

I have no idea what the adoption process is in Ghana, your questions seem more focussed on US Immigration.

 

If he had been given the child can not see how that would have changed things.

I was responding to NDB052714 statement asking if adoption was an option.  My original question was focused on the US immigration process.  We will work on getting a DNA test and move on from there.  As agreed on by jefraylee adoption is difficult but is another option if DNA is not positive but that is another bridge, we will cross them 1 by 1.  Thanks for all the help. 

35 minutes ago, jefraylee said:

The best answer to your situation is DNA, you guys must first do  the DNA to find out if the child is really his or not? If it end up the child is not his then you talk to a good lawyer who knows much about immigration. Adoption will be another option but the whole process is very difficult, but one step first the DNA. 

 

I did my DNA at the US Embassy in Ghana in May 2017 and the DNA is out saying am the biological father so am still waiting for the embassy to contact me.. But case is different from yours....

Thank you.  We will work on getting DNA.  Not sure if you have the information but can you provide the location in Ghana where the boy can be taken or direct me to a proper website?  

3 minutes ago, NDB052714 said:

Bless you! If it turns out the child is not his, is adoption a possibility? How old is the child?

That would be the next thing.  Adopting from a country like Ghana is complicated add to the fact that no one knows where the mother is.  It is a mess. He is only 5.  I have had to bury a lot of feelings and forgive a lot in this situation.  The bottom line is, none if this is the child's fault.  I wish the girl had just said - "I give him to you take him".  My husband would have signed whatever and the boy would have had options.  As it stands the boy is in limbo.  Now my biggest fear is he is not my husbands child and we will be out of options for him.