UmmSqueakster

Also, forgot to mention you can contact me via my blog - http://umms.wordpress.com/contact/

Awesome free download! Ramadan planner! Yaay Ramadan!

http://halalify.com/ramadan-battle-plan

Mine is here. I prefer to keep control over it, because I feel a conversion narrative is something that is constantly evolving as I continue in the deen. I think it's something intensely personal and complex, and not something easily explained. It's also probably due for another read through and update.

And, my page for convert/interested in islam resources. Also in need of an update and some major reorganization. If I have a chance to take a week off this summer, I plan to do some major revisions and maybe set it up as a mini website.

Wow, it's been way too long! I just wanted to say Salam alaikum!!!!

wa alaikum assalam!

Cross posted from my blog:

Rajab within sight...

…which means Shaban is just over the hill…

…which means Ramadan is on the horizon!

2 and a half months left people, time to get serious!

From the archives:

• rajab reminder
• it’s coming
• rajab mubarak

...this? Coming from YOU of all people?

You do realize that you fell into the same abusive-MENA-man-woman-got-used relationship that you warn everyone about...right? Yet *you* continue to talk to your abuser, etc. But that's okay? Has that messed up YOUR kids any? I can't even fathom why a woman whose husband physically abused her while she was pregnant (which you said that he did -- either you were lying or this is the truth) would continue to talk to that man...yet you feel qualified to counsel women...why again?

/my head, it just asploded

//maybe I've been around here too long?

*stands and applauds*

I've said it before, and I'll say it again - hope for the best, plan for the worst. A spouse, no matter where they're from, can be a wonderful person, a horrible person, or somewhere in between. You can be abused by the guy you met in high school just as easily as the guy you met online. Marrying a MENA man you met online can work and can last. It can also go horribly, terribly, tragically wrong. Hope that it will work, and make sure you have a plan if it doesn't. That's just common sense isn't it?

Be aware that past members have gone through horrible experiences with their MENA spouse. But also be aware that there are some of us who are still together and still going strong. Keep your eyes open, don't take any abuse or ####### and inshaAllah you should be fine.

As I've also said before, there is very rarely "happily ever after." Even for those of us who are still successfully and happily married have had to struggle a lot along the way to make it work. Yes, some have had their spouses come and everything has blissfully fallen into place. But I think for many of us who are still married, we've had to work hard for our success.

I'm feeling like a broken record here. Will have to save this for future use when we go through the same ol same ol again.

I dunno, I can't comprehend half of what has been written thus far in this thread, so here are my own 2 cents.

I've known women who's first exposures to islam have been through SOs and who have gone on to be beautiful sisters in the deen. Many even begin to practice more than their spouses, and helped their husbands become better muslims.

And there are those who didn't convert for the sake of Allah (swt).

However, so long as a person appears sincere, I'm not going to comment. If they ask for my advice, I give to the best of my ability as one sister to another.

In the end, if you are sincere in your belief of la ilaha il Allah, Muhammadur rasul Allah, then your first duty is to Allah (swt), to declare your faith in Him and in His message as brought by our master Muhammad (saws). What the consulate thinks about it is far down on the list of worries. Get yourself right with Allah (swt), and then worry about this world.

re: holidays. We don't celebrate. We don't visit my family at that time. As I've explained to them, for Easter especially, we don't believe Jesus (as) was crucified and raised from the dead, so it would by hypocritical of me to partake in a celebration of that important religious ritual for them. I'm more than happy to spend time with them regularly throughout the year, and make other events important family get togethers (like thanksgiving for example).

And as I'm sure anyone who knows me is aware of, I'm about as far from being a salafi as one can be.

I like this explanation:

“The ibtidaa (beginning) of Tasawwuf is:

Innamal a’amaalu binniyyaat

(verily actions are judged by the intentions).

The intihaa (ending) is:

An ta’budullaaha ka-annaka taraahu

(Worship Allah as though you see him)”

I'm a loser who has no life offline, and have met many people in person that I've originally met online. I sometimes joke that I have no real world friends. But these are people that I maintain friendships with, not people I live with 24/7. I'm certain they're my friends, but if we lived together all the time, I'd learn a whole droyk* of a lot more about these people than I know through our hanging out together.

Stang**, I lived with my best friend after college. We'd been best friends for 11 years. And knew a whole lot more about her when I moved out than when I moved in and she drove me barvy*** along the way

From my own, humble experience living with AbuS after knowing him online for 4 years, I "knew" him well in theory, but put into practice, I didn't really know him at all.

I've decided to use expletives only from the SW EU. Just because I can.

*droyk- Corriliean expletive

**stang - an expletive originating on Alderaan.

***an insult, used in conjunction with someone do something crazy

Anyone want to give me feedback on my convert resource page? It's been awhile since it was loved, and needs some attention.

• Is it getting to be too long and non-user friendly? I’m thinking of breaking it up into subpages
• It needs updating. I’m looking both for new sections that may be helpful and new resources to go into existing sections. Web pages, audio, video, and real life resources are all acceptable. Also, if I’ve written an especially helpful blog post that you remember, let me know that too, and I can include a direct link to that as well.

FYI, I'm an unabashed pro madhab, pro tasawwuf neo-traditionalist. I tend to recommend resources from that perspective, and definitely do not take kindly to madhab and/or tasawwuf bashing.

*UmmS - USC woman

*AbuS - USC man, formerly MENA citizen

*Met 9 and a half years ago

*Talked online for almost 2 years before meeting in person

*Visited Egypt 3 times over the next 3 years, including once with my parents and siblings

*AbuS arrives in the US in 10/05, we get married per the US government that same month

*07/09 AbuS becomes a US citizen

*03/11 We're still married and inshaAllah anticipate continuing to be married for the next several decades

While it certainly hasn't been easy, AbuS has never been abusive, disrespectful, unfaithful or irresponsible. We've both been naive when it comes to marriage, but then, we were both young when we met and this is our first marriage, so that's par for the course.

And if, God forbid, we end up splitting up, I'd probably look for an american muslim to marry. Not a fan of the visa process and don't want to go through that again.

Or, I'll just adopt lots and lots of cats and become a crazy cat lady.

Yeah, I think I'll take option #2.

Audio recordings of Habib Umar's talks here

http://habibumar.org/multimedia/audio/

I think perhaps this kind of behavior takes different forms in different cultures, although in some it is more common then others? Aren't there american men who spend all their time in their man cave watching sports or out at the bar with friends?

In Egyptian culture, men will often stay out late at cafes with other men talking while their wives stay home, at least from what I've observed and from what I've talked about with AbuS.

To the OP, I don't have any real advice other than to stay strong and don't compromise to the point where you've lost yourself. I would hope that your kicking him out will be a wake up call and he'd be willing to change, but if not, then I do hope you are better off without him. Positive thoughts and vibes are headed your way.

Here's a new one - there is the potential for harassment.

Both AbuS and I have gotten snide comments in the past about go back to where you've came from (always a favorite of mine, since I came from Wisconsin).

But today, while waiting for the bus, some guy started whacking AbuS with his backpack and telling him to go back to India Luckily AbuS kept his head and immediately pulled out his cellphone and called 911. The whacker started to walk away, and the 911 operator told AbuS that he shouldn't follow him. The officer who came to take his statement told him he had a right to self defense, but AbuS didn't fight back, for fear that it would escalate the situation and he'd get in trouble too.

Now, bear in mind AbuS has been here 5 and a half years, and this is the first time harassment has ever been physical. It's not too frequent, and usually is just verbal.

I've been physically harassed twice. The first time a group of teenage girls pulled my hijab off at a local grocery store. The second time may have just been runner harassment and not muslim harassment - as I was out running a few years back, I ran past a group of guys and one of them reached out and grabbed my chest. Piggies.

Not saying that immigrants WILL be harassed, but at least be aware that it's always a possibility and that they should know how to act accordingly. I'd say AbuS did the right thing in not fighting back, since his life wasn't in danger and he wasn't too seriously hurt. He's a US citizen now, so he can't be deported.

The only thing catty in this thread is my signature.

And this smiley

And this Squeaky lol

To fully dhikr-ize a to the point answer:

If she gets it right away, alhamdulilah.

If she doesn't, qadr Allah.

Could be one, could be the other, Allahu Alem.

not rarely , its normally

for marriage visa , k1 visa , and lottery , they get yes or no right in the interview and they get visa next day or after 48 hours in Normal cases , unless you have to bring extra papers or something like that .

I'm sorry, but in what alternate reality does this happen? I can count on my hand the number of visas from Casa that have been issued in 48 hours that we've seen here on this board.

And I definitely don't have enough fingers to count the number of times people have had to wait weeks, or even months.

We had issues adding AbuS to my bank account. I believe we tried to do it the day after he arrived, and they initially refused, as he didn't have sufficient ID. He had his Egyptian passport, his US issued visa and his Egyptian ID card. They accepted the passport, but not the visa, as it was in the same book. I tried to argue that they were issues by 2 different governments and should be considered 2 forms of ID, but they weren't buying it. They wouldn't take his Egyptian ID card as it was in arabic. If they had had someone who spoke arabic on the staff, they said they may have taken it, but alas, that didn't work.

We were preparing to leave, all dejected, when the banker whispered to us that they would take a Sam's club ID, so why not try that. So off to Sam's Club we went to get a membership. Poor Sam's Club employee, trying to figure out how to use his Egyptian passport as ID. They'd obviously never encountered anyone wanting to use a passport as ID, let alone a foreign passport.

And once we got that, we went back and added him to my account.

Also, want to say that there were a couple of things I did to prepare that weren't worth it in the long run. I ordered the soccer channels on cable so that he'd have that to watch. I also ordered another cable box and dvr so we'd each have a tv to watch and didn't have to interfere with each other.

Turns out, American tv doesn't interest him, and he watches soccer on the internet.

So, that was unnecesary.

There were a couple of other things that I'm blanking on now that hopefully I'll think of later and add.

The internet is a marvelous thing We just have very basic cable, like the cheapest you can get with just the major networks and PBS. If AbuS wants to see anything MENA-ish, he can find it online. He's found places to watch al-Ahly, and on youtube has hit the motherload. There are tons of egyptian plays there, as well as many of the egyptian political talk shows. There are websites that stream egyptian movies. And, there's always al-Jazeera that streams live, and has recordings of shows both on youtube and on their website.

Just as a funny aside - one of my friends who is an ESL instructor was telling my husband he should watch American tv for increased language skills, etc. Husband was like "have you watched American tv?" He's not a fan.

On a related note, I read somewhere that having subtitles on the TV helps with english comprehension. Turns out I'm the only one who watches american television, and now I can't watch it without subtitles. Whenever I go to my parents' house, I have to turn it on and they're like

I don't, but I would check the Habib's website, his youtube channel and Sh. Faraz' blog for more info.

Ah technology.

Awesome opportunity!

Habib Umar Morning lessons through Sunday!!

From today's lesson

On tawbah (repentance) and istigfar (seeking forgiveness)

The Prophet reported that Allah says:

Let's just say that if you put your photos on this board, parties (be they VJ members, islamophobic bloggers or just random passers by) with potentially nefarious purposes may feel free to abscond with said photos and do tawdry things with them.

capisci?

And speaking of nefarious islamphobic bloggers who do tawdry things to VJ members' pictures, she who shall not be named just linked to the post re: the incident that shall not be mentioned in a new post of hers.

Although I bristle at your over-generalization of Egyptian men, I do think this part is important:

the most damaging thing was the emotional abuse and lowering of self-esteem that he did.

...

If he convinces you to quit work, school, etc to be with him becuase he "just doenst want to wait any longer to be with you or doesnt want to wait till you finish your school....dont do it. If he is not showing you WITH ACTIONS that he isnt a selfish person, please rethink it. They have a way with words, but definately not actions.... and they never are sorry for anything and they never are wrong.

I disagree with this:

No matter how pretty you are, or smart, or a person of great morals, they will still do it. Now that I have been through it myself, its my duty to warn others who might be blinded now as I was. If he does not get down on his knee to ask you to marry him do not do it.

They MAY do it. It's not a 100% cheat rate where Egyptian men become scum once they come to the US. And I don't quite understand the correlation between bended knee proposals and cheating.

(PS - my screen name means "cat" in Darija - as well as I could spell it at the time - and I'm guessing Squeaky has been waiting for just the right moment to make that joke! )

Alas, I know no darija, but now that I know the meaning, I'm adding it to my vocabulary One should know how to say cat in as many languages as possible.

You found a real treasure Ummsqueakster...alot of Arabs find animals in the home repulsive. I've been trying to bring a little mini mini doxie into the home but no go..

AbuS' brother had pets from a young age, so he's used to having animals in the house. He was not, however, used to how americans tend to baby their pets. It took some time, but Squeaky has him wrapped around her paw and if he thinks she's in any way not happy, he'll do whatever he can to cheer her up

He used to get all worked up about cat hair on his clothes, but a few weeks ago, I came home from work and he's like, I've got to show you something:

Moral of the story - don't leave the drawer with your good work pants open.

Because I've decided every thread is better with cats, AbuS is getting this for his birthday this year:

That's my definition of a "man" - a person with XY chromosomes who isn't afraid to get all squishy and sentimental over a fur baby. And who doesn't mind signing these checks:

So yup, AbuS is a "man."

We don't fit into any kind of gender roles. From the beginning, we agreed he wasn't getting an Egyptian wife, and I wasn't getting an American husband. Instead, we're something else entirely.

This isn't a case for the FBI. First and foremost it's a case about potential abuse. That's the police's realm. Google "battered women" and your area, and inshaAllah a list of organizations should pull up that can assist you. There is usually good networks in all communities to help women who are threatened by their partners work through the court system and get protected.

That's what you need to do first and foremost.