Recognizng the signs

[KarenCee 3]

He is always rude when it comes to this subject.

Just ignore him and he will go away.

My ex stalked me and begged me to come back for a year and a half after I left him.

He put me and our two youngs sons thru hell after I left. So its not just what they do to you when you live with them, its also the sh@t you take when you do leave. I prayed every night he would find a new women so he would leave me alone. He terrified me and my sons and my family for that entire time. He nuts. Most abuser are.

My ex stalked me...would beg forgiveness and want me back....then the next day would threaten my life in some way. One day it was all nice words and sh@t and the next day it was threats. He jeopardised job opportunities by getting information from someone I trusted as my friend. He would call prospective employers and tell them not to hire me.

it is not like the hitting just happens.. from what I have heard it works up to taht... little things the abuser might to to tear down your self esteem etc.... so that when he does start hitting you, you are not sure what to do....

I don't think any women would volunteer to be abused... that is just silly to even say something like taht....

yeah...that's how it works for the most part. the belittling comments, the yelling, the throwing things or punching things...then gradually they work their way to hitting you. no, i didn't volunteer to be abused...i wanted to get out and i found a way. i wanted it bad enough to make that first move, despite how scared i was. the abuse stepped up once i left...the stalking, the threats, threatening to rip my jugular vein out with his bare hands cause he was so angry with me for leaving...

He is always rude when it comes to this subject.

Just ignore him and he will go away.

My ex stalked me and begged me to come back for a year and a half after I left him.

He put me and our two youngs sons thru hell after I left. So its not just what they do to you when you live with them, its also the sh@t you take when you do leave. I prayed every night he would find a new women so he would leave me alone. He terrified me and my sons and my family for that entire time. He nuts. Most abuser are.

Soory this happened...truely. But if you did not get an Ex-parte order and just let it happen...you volunteered. Some ppl just dont get it. Read back to the beginning of this thread....women saying that they would not tolerate it....but appently some of you do.....

A Story....had a grlfrnd...she took a swing at me one night...she missed.....I invited her out of my life. Next day she was calling and apologizing as she knew no other way. That was the way it was when she was married, and she didnt realize that some ppl dont tolerate it.

I did have a protective order against him. Was not worth Sh@t.

TPO's and restraining orders aren't worth the paper they're written on, IMHO. Anyone who wants to abuse and threaten their estranged spouse WILL find a way. Mine did.

What made me step out of the abuse? When my three year old daughter asked me "why did daddy hit you?" and his response? "cuz momma wouldn't shut up". I determined at that moment that she would NOT be raised believing men treat women this way and that it was ok. So I walked out the next day...never looked back except to come back and get my few belongings, with the aid of a couple of deputies. He managed to make himself look so pathetic, crying and sobbing as the deputies stood in the doorway while I packed. I'm sure they thought I was a total b!tch. Oh well, too bad so sad.

Yeah, I was scared...scared as hell to leave. I was a stay at home mom, no job, no money, with a three year old dependent on me. But, I'm here to tell you it *is* possible to get out. It took moving away...far away...for me to feel safe again though. The week I was hid in the safe house (two hours away) gave me the time to think and build up my self confidence enough to know I could do this...and never go back. I still say you gotta want to get out though...I was fortunate that I have a best friend who helped me believe in myself enough to take care of me, cause if I didn't my daughter would be left with her biological father and no mother.

The mere fact that these ladies have posted their stories here means IMHO they really do want out and they need reassurance from other women who've been through it. I don't think they feel they want to be abused...nor do they feel they're "volunteering" for it. I know I sure as hell didn't want it, or volunteer for it. I just want them to know that if you want out bad enough, you'll find a way, you'll do it. Fear is a crippling thing, but self preservation is stronger....I know....

[joelunchbox 0]

ok i normally dont post anything i just tend to read and as i was reading this thread i could easily see myself in alot of these women's shoes and all i can say to any person in a abusive realationship is only they know when its the right time to leave and when they know in their heart not their head are they able to leave.

It took me along time to realize i was in an abusive marriage i was married young had 4 children by the age of 24 and was madly in love with my husband. I thought he was my sould mate oh ya you want to talk about wearring rose colour glasses oh ya mine were extra thick.

I conviced myself that he was just stressed out having 4 kids making all kinds of noise and messes in every room i cleaned none stop when the kids would go to bed i would sit down on the couch and fall alseep from keeping the house up to his standards i did every thing he never so much as held one of the kids and thats not an exageration by any means. Anyways i would be told that there was no point of him staying at home if all i was going to do is fall asleep at 8pm and sleep all night and not pay any attention to him. So i convinced myself that it was ok for him to be a bars all night long getting drunk and not come home for 2 days. He never yelled at me never hit me so i dint think nothing of it but theres alot more.

He would be getting drunk and tell me about how he spent all the money and how sorry he was this was soon to be his most commen excuse. He would have tell me what cloths he "liked" never told me i couldnt wear something just how he "liked" something better. Well that didnt seem to be abusive to me so i would buy things he liked. As time on i learn just how good of a manipulator he was and things he told his friends. Things like how i was a great mother one minute then how i was cheating on him and it was anyone from a neighbour to the mail man.

Bit by bit it started name calling, punching holes in the wall, breaking things that i liked or just plain old dumping food all over the place so i would have to clean it up. All the while it was my fault because i spend to much time with the kids. You see he was a very jealous man and his kids were getting "his" attention and still i tried so hard to fix everything me him the kids everything the world around him was left for me to fix which i know i cant do now but then i had no clue.

Years went by and it was starting to eat at me more and more but i convinced myself that i could do worse at least he doesnt hit me or the kids and the kids he learned early on that he would never touch i never let him near them after one night he went after my oldest son at the age of 3. But as for me i told myself it can be worse and i really believed that. You see i was a daddies girl and grew up in a hame were you dont give up on your marriage no matter what, even though i knew my father hated him i could not face my parents because i made this choice i did and i didnt want to hear the i told you so's. So more years went by and things were getting worse we never had money he barely worked and i was trapped i couldnt go to work with no one to watch my kids i couldnt leave them with their dad for fear i would come home to them being dead. The ppl i could talk to didnt really help much other then saying well i dont know what to tell you was the favorite thing to say to me.

We started fighting i was in no means weak to let him yell at me and take it (at least i told myself that i did fight back so it was ok) the fights got worse still never hit me. (so it was ok rememebr i could do worse). Anyways i went without food so my kids would eat i always had supper ready for him no matter what time he would come home and that was usually drunk.

I was taken advantage of while asleep and if i woke up while it was happening he would get very nasty. He also started to threaten to kill himself if i got him out of the house during any fights and not let him in. Oh he played me like a fiddle. He was helpless without me this went on for years when my kids finaly got old enough that i could leave them alone and i tell you they were'nt that old but i was able to go back to school and i started to wake up to the real world. But still didnt leave. He would tell me how he could be a real man if thats what i wanted and start betting me and drink all the money away( this was one of the things he would say alot) we had no money so how could he drink it all and i would remind him of that when he would get on his high horse. You see i did fight back in some ways at least thats what i told myself.

Then when we moved places were my heat had to be payed, we had a wood stove and oild heat now before it was electric heat and if he wanted power he had to pay that but now he didnt have too, living in a very cold spot in canada some nights can get to minus 40C it was not good to run out of heat i learn very ealry on that in the summer to find scrap pieces of wood and hide em for those nights we ran out of heat cause he was too lazzy to split wood or drank what ever money we had to get any furnace oil.

Now as each winter came stress was getting to me he drank the summer away and i knew he would get worse through the winter since he would be home more often since it would be too cold to go out. I would spend every Sat and Sunday at my parents cause i knew the kids could eat whatever and not have to worry about the tummies that day and listen to their father how they eat everything. It was my only day free from him my only outting ever other then to get food twice a month.

See my glasses started to come off here and there but i still couldnt face the truth. And one day i decided that he needed to see his doctor i conviced him that it would be so much better if he got on meds he was depressed it was diagnosed years ago and how much better he would feel if he would see the doctor this for me was another way to justify staying. I could finally fix him well the pills did help very little but he did calm down a bit till he started drinking then we were back to what he was like before.

The drinking got worse he was drunk for months on end started getting into fights with his friends and it just kept getting worse the threats to kill himslef and the violence that was hidden in him got explosive he pulled me out of bed by my hair hit my legs cause i grabbed my hair and pulled it out of his hands he destroyed my house ropped off the counter top smashed the living room window coffee table going flying at was the scariest thing i ever seen i called the police they took him away said they would hold him for the night and if he was still wild they would take to the psych hospital in the morning. another officer stayed behind i had to fill out a DV report and they had to call child services since the kids were in the house when it happend. The next day he somes home child services took their sweet old time and came by 3 weeks later he convinced them that he had a nervous break down and how he takes meds and will be seeing his doctor again to adjust it and since it was the first call we had the lady questioned the kids and left.

So anyways that yeara was hell he started using his pills as an excuse for his faults he cheated on me that summer and tried to blame the pills and i know looking back it wasnt the first time he did i just didnt want to believe it, he begged me to forgive him and i told him i didnt know if i could but wold try. He didnt change again what a surpprise. I then made up my mind that at the following week i would kick him out you see i had to wait till i could get moeny from him for food first. Then he has a heart attack a big one, well the guilt comes back cause i wished him dead for years now i had to take care of him well he promissed again how this was a new life for him how it all changes now.

Well less then 3 months went by and it was the start of Feb and we had a cold snap. The drinking started again and (oh by the way theres been tons of drugs through these 15yrs) drugs were back on top of all the heart pills he was taking so it was a friday night and i told him we were running out of wood and oil and need to get the rest of the wood or oild it didnt matter he kepted putting it off see if the wood was at our place i could of easily got it but he had it delivered to his friends house. So one friday he ws sitting at the computer and my oldest was doing dishes with his sister and they were arguing with each other and he snapped went after my son and that was the start of my wake up call the rose colour glasses were comming off i jumped and got in between them i was vibrating my biggest fear was comming to reality my son took off to his room and the other 3 kids disapeared from the room. He sat back down like nothing happend. The next night we had no heat i told him for days when we would run out see i got really good and knowing how long the oil would last and for far what would i had would last. He looks at me and says what do you want me to do about it so i told him go get the wood or oil i dont care he left and then came back about 9pm and said well we will be fine till morning made himself popcorn and grabbed a blanket see he didnt want to move his ### to heat the house cause i was on the computer i wanted as long as i could to make him go get wood but he didnt move finaly i got in my snowsuit and boots and went to the back yard and dug in the snow to get some of the 2x4's and 2x6's and anything else i put there that summer. I dragged all the wood to the house and started to carry it in then he got up off the couch and thought he would cut the wood up for and be a big help this is how he justilied everything. So its minus 35C out and its takes me till 3am to finally feel the heat from the wood stove i went to bed.

The next morning i call my friend and her husban came to get me so i can get a few gas cans worth of oil he helped me put the oil in the tank and all i could do form crying again thanked himand he left i went inot the house i had to bleed the furnace and then cleaned up I walked into the living room and told him i was done never again and out he went with a little smart thinking.

You see everyone has their limit of what they can put up with ppl would say to me for years why are you with him hes bringing you down hes not good enough but i would not listen it wasnt till my kids were no longer safe i could no longer hide it from them. It didnt matter how many times he hit me smashed my head into the car window while i was driving. It was my kids i would not let him ruin their lives. During the seperation i had to have him romved again and that just made me more determined not to let him back in i had to deal with child services again two workers this time he tried to tell him we would be back together again in a month it was just temp and how i needed to beable to think well by that time i made it to a lawyer and still coldnt tell all but filed for divorce even though it took a year to go through i knew i was done with him. See my life is my kids and if i didnt think of them i probably would of still been with him but there is no way any man will hurt my children. I went through hell for 15yrs and only now I can see the different types of abuse i went through. There is so much more to this then i could ever put in here and same with all the others.

And to the ppl who think they dont know any ppl that would put up with this ####### needs a reality check ppl dont tell every body what happends behind the wall of there house and to say your daughters would never let it happend to them will be last to hear about it from their kids cause the parents are always last to know or dont want to know cause that type of attitude is the same attitude the abusers use against them so your no better then the abusers insulting women like that makes you the same. And as for doing something after the assult takes place is just dum how many wemon poisoned their husbands or went after them with a knife or gun when they finanly pass out after beating for 8 hours straight end up in court and jailed for deffending themselves its not that cut and dry if it was you tell that to the wemon in jail for 20yrs plus for doing the only thing they had left cause the police didnt want to do the paper work the last time a neighbour called and let the husband go free the next day the system is flawed and yes some place do take over from the wives and charge these men but not many at all. And these men still get out and kill their wives its not as easy as you seem to think.

Ok sorry i didnt really mean to type all that. And sorry about the typos.

Thank you for sharing with us.

[isleta521 5]

The mere fact that these ladies have posted their stories here means IMHO they really do want out and they need reassurance from other women who've been through it. I don't think they feel they want to be abused...nor do they feel they're "volunteering" for it. I know I sure as hell didn't want it, or volunteer for it. I just want them to know that if you want out bad enough, you'll find a way, you'll do it. Fear is a crippling thing, but self preservation is stronger....I know....

Karen,

Being a guy, and one that came from a family where there was no abuse, I could never imaging the pain that you were going through and the BS you had to put up with. To have a child see ones mother get abused cannot even describe the sadness I feel.

I am glad that you are in a better, happier and safe place now.

[peezey 0]

He is always rude when it comes to this subject.

Just ignore him and he will go away.

My ex stalked me and begged me to come back for a year and a half after I left him.

He put me and our two youngs sons thru hell after I left. So its not just what they do to you when you live with them, its also the sh@t you take when you do leave. I prayed every night he would find a new women so he would leave me alone. He terrified me and my sons and my family for that entire time. He nuts. Most abuser are.

Soory this happened...truely. But if you did not get an Ex-parte order and just let it happen...you volunteered. Some ppl just dont get it. Read back to the beginning of this thread....women saying that they would not tolerate it....but appently some of you do.....

A Story....had a grlfrnd...she took a swing at me one night...she missed.....I invited her out of my life. Next day she was calling and apologizing as she knew no other way. That was the way it was when she was married, and she didnt realize that some ppl dont tolerate it.

I did have a protective order against him. Was not worth Sh@t.

I was hoping someone would post about this first hand. A man could have an order against him, find the woman is, beat the ####### out of her, and be gone in 10 minutes when she can finally call the cops....and where is he? Long gone.

[Fandango 1,439]

haven't we all seen those lifetime movies about abuse... I know it is just a movie but some of them are based on fact...

the woman will try to leave but the man will hunt them down etc...

I don't think the lifetime channel likes men very much

it is a women's channel..

men have their Spike TV, their ESPN etc...

Sorry to hijack back to this, but it'll only take a sec....

I HATE the fact that lifetime is 'tv for women'.....I'm a woman and I don't wanna watch all this grab-the-tissues-and-some-ice-cream-and-have-a-good-cry-tripe.

______________________

ON topic: In situations where the abuser is a non-USC here on a specific visa....I can't help but wonder 'why the fear of reprisal?'when trying to get out? It's the USC's house usually, and one call to the police and the non-USC's in jail...then they're in so much trouble, it's not even funny. But most charges will not be pressed by the woman. Why? Yes you love him, but love yourself more. But the battered USC is in the driver's seat a little more than the average battered spouse....with all the hoops we all need to jump through, without the USC's cooperation, the foreign partner has diminished chances of staying here legally. And there's ICE on your side as well. So with that element of control clearly with the USC....doesn't that help make the decision to get out any easier?

Sorry to be so blunt, but I really do wonder....

Edited August 20, 2007 by LisaD

[ya falaha! 0]

Excellent point, Lisa.

I just can't understand why the USC woman with the non USC abuser doesn't call the cops on the guy and end the nightmare they're living in. Taking action to send them back to their country of origin would make sure they're far, far away and would no longer be able to abuse them. I'm absolutely baffled by these cases and can't understand for the life of me why the women stay.

ON topic: In situations where the abuser is a non-USC here on a specific visa....I can't help but wonder 'why the fear of reprisal?'when trying to get out? It's the USC's house usually, and one call to the police and the non-USC's in jail...then they're in so much trouble, it's not even funny. But most charges will not be pressed by the woman. Why? Yes you love him, but love yourself more. But the battered USC is in the driver's seat a little more than the average battered spouse....with all the hoops we all need to jump through, without the USC's cooperation, the foreign partner has diminished chances of staying here legally. And there's ICE on your side as well. So with that element of control clearly with the USC....doesn't that help make the decision to get out any easier?

Sorry to be so blunt, but I really do wonder....

[Fandango 1,439]

Excellent point, Lisa.

I just can't understand why the USC woman with the non USC abuser doesn't call the cops on the guy and end the nightmare they're living in. Taking action to send them back to their country of origin would make sure they're far, far away and would no longer be able to abuse them. I'm absolutely baffled by these cases and can't understand for the life of me why the women stay.

ON topic: In situations where the abuser is a non-USC here on a specific visa....I can't help but wonder 'why the fear of reprisal?'when trying to get out? It's the USC's house usually, and one call to the police and the non-USC's in jail...then they're in so much trouble, it's not even funny. But most charges will not be pressed by the woman. Why? Yes you love him, but love yourself more. But the battered USC is in the driver's seat a little more than the average battered spouse....with all the hoops we all need to jump through, without the USC's cooperation, the foreign partner has diminished chances of staying here legally. And there's ICE on your side as well. So with that element of control clearly with the USC....doesn't that help make the decision to get out any easier?

Sorry to be so blunt, but I really do wonder....

My thoughts exactly....glad to see I'm not the only one....