Getting over the "shoulds"

[brnidokiegurl 1]

Updated: 3:00 p.m. CT Dec 29, 2003

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins. These pioneering couples are just the most visible December-May hookups of older women dating younger men.

Braving "robbing the cradle" jokes, almost one-third of women between ages 40 and 69 are dating younger men (defined as 10 or more years younger). According to a recent AARP poll, one-sixth of women in their 50s, in fact, prefer men in their 40s.

It's not what you think -- the stamina or "re-boot" ability of the younger male. The women like the flexibility and sense of adventure of their more spontaneous, younger companions, Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., a licensed family therapist in practice in Long Beach, Calif., and author of "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again", tells WebMD. For their part, the men like the sophistication and life success of their older mates, she explains. The much touted idea that women peak sexually in their 30s and men in their teens does not enter into it -- most of these couples are beyond both those age periods.

Other reasons behind this trend

According to Tessina, other reasons underlying this expansion of everyone's dating choices include:

Older women are looking better every day, thanks to creative medical advances and a gym on every corner.

Women are more likely to come back on the dating market because of divorce and a longer expected life span.

Not as many women are looking for the picket fence and two cars. Now companionship, travel, and fun are coming to the forefront.

Women may also want a man with a less-developed career who could follow her or take care of children, if that is a factor.

For their part, younger men often find older women more interesting, experimental, fun to talk to, financially settled, and more adept sexually.

But what about the notion that men are "hard-wired" to seek a smooth-faced, curvy receptacle for reproduction and thus are drawn to younger women? "Humans are relatively flexible species," Michael R. Cunningham, Ph.D., a psychologist in the department of communications at the University of Louisville, tells WebMD. "Factors other than biological can be attractive. You can override a lot of biology in pursuit of other goals."

Interestingly, Cunningham did an unpublished study of 60 women in their 20s, 30s, and 40s, who were shown pictures of men aged to those decades. "The women," he says, "were more interested in men their own age or older."

As for the men, he says: "I guess it could be nice not to hang around a ditz with no knowledge of music or something like that."

Getting over the "shoulds"

"We have strong 'shoulds' on ways of partnering up," Kathryn Elliott, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychology at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette, explains to WebMD. "We are victims of inner-critic constrictedness. We think we should only weigh 120. We should marry people within two years of our age. We pathologize anything that isn't within those shoulds."

The key to making older women/younger man relationships work, Elliott says, is to match what she calls voltages. "Choose someone who is your voltage type -- has the same level of intensity about life. If the voltages are different, one becomes the pursuer and one the distancer. This can create pain."

Voltages are not a factor of age, she says.

"What you don't want," she explains, "is one partner wanting to go out, the other stay in; one willing to talk, the other wanting space (and silence to enjoy it)."

Dealing with the flak

Susan Winter is co-author, with Felicia Brings, of "Older Women, Younger Men: New Options for Love and Romance". She is 48 and has been in a relationship with a man 20 years younger since 1992. Before that, she hooked up with two men 16 years younger and another 20 years younger.

She works out a lot by her own admission (and judging by her track record in this department) and often meets partners at the gym, not the bars.

Winter tells WebMD that she and her co-author interviewed more than 200 couples for their book. Though hardly a scientific study, the research surfaced three myths such couples hear every time:

Myth No. 1 - "He will leave you for a younger woman." Winter says they did not find one younger man who did this, at least for a specific woman and because she was younger. "In some cases, the man wanted children," she says, "and the relationship fell apart because of that."

Myth No. 2 - "The woman was the seducer -- Mrs. Robinson." In all 200 cases, Winter says it was the man who initiated the contact.

Myth No. 3 -"It will never last." Winter said some of the couples they met had been together 25 year or more. The average length of the relationships was 13 years.

Pretty promising material out there

Winter is upbeat about the younger generations. "The boomers are lost sheep," she says. "All they can do to get a woman is dangle their Porsche keys." As you peel back the decades, though, the men get "cooler," she says. Guys in their 30s get her vote. "They grew up with AIDS, they are considerate. Such men (at least the ones interested in older women) are stable and mature. They don't want to be mothered. They want a woman who knows who she is."

Still, even Winter admits, this may not be for everyone. One columnist suggested that these men hie themselves back to the reproductive pool or else birth rates would sag.

"Saying this is just one more "should," Elliott says. "Why should a man worry about reproducing if he doesn't want to?"

Cunningham is slyer. "Men can reproduce until they die, almost," he says. "I can imagine an interesting older woman/younger man scenario where a man stays with an older woman until she dies, then takes a younger wife for the purpose of having children. This would be very adaptive, don't you think?"

WebMD content is provided to MSNBC by the editorial staff of WebMD. The MSNBC editorial staff does not participate in the creation of WebMD content and is not responsible for WebMD content. Remember that editorial content is never a substitute for a visit to a health care professional.

[babybunny 2]

ok..Thanks for sharing this..

[brnidokiegurl 1]

Ha is that a Good ok or a bad ok?

[~Jackie~ 30]

'Average length of the relationship---13 years' interesting. Just in time for me to take that senior cruise to the Bahamas.

Jackie

[mRx 16]

I dont get it... Is there a point to it?

[Caladan 19]

Interesting. Isn't going to help you too much with the consulate, probably, since they have to take into account 'shoulds'.

13 years sounds high, though. Not that a December-May couple couldn't last that along, but that's longer than most traditional couples as an average goes. I'd guess there's some sample bias in that they interviewed people who would describe themselves as *couples*, which excludes the shorter relationships and flings. (Similar thing happens with gay couples; there's not as many compared to the general population, and those that are tend to have been together longer.)

[rclouse 0]

In rebuttal...

/hotlinked photobucket

[babybunny 2]

this subject is a weekly HOT TOPIC in the MENA forum. like a dead horse - Bury it and stop beating it. if you wanna marry young, old, who gives a big doo doos? love is love and has no boundries.

People on here has proven you can marry a man or woman 20 years younger and it can be a strong and fruitful marriage. age is only a number.

[KarenCee 3]

I dont get it... Is there a point to it?

Yes there is....the "older woman, younger man" debate has been going on for ages. Some women are judged for being in a relationship with a younger man. Some are called "cradle robbers". There are lots of couples on this board with age differences. I think this is a good read for them...as well as everyone else. Love doesn't know age...Love just is.

[babybunny 2]

Women may also want a man with a less-developed career who could follow her or take care of children, if that is a factor.

As for the men, he says: "I guess it could be nice not to hang around a ditz with no knowledge of music or something like that."

I think these two statements are BullChit. I am not involved with a much younger man. but,

I find offence to this. just because a WOMAN picks a younger man does not mean she wants him to take care of her kids. seemingly the older ladies have grown kids - so that is a usless statement..

just because a man picks a younger lady dont mean she is a "Ditz". 30 year old woman and 50 year old man . how could you say she is a ditz. when perhaps this lady could be well established.

usless statement!

[KarenCee 3]

Women may also want a man with a less-developed career who could follow her or take care of children, if that is a factor.

As for the men, he says: "I guess it could be nice not to hang around a ditz with no knowledge of music or something like that."

I think these two statements are BullChit. I am not involved with a much younger man. but,

I find offence to this. just because a WOMAN picks a younger man does not mean she wants him to take care of her kids. seemingly the older ladies have grown kids - so that is a usless statement..

just because a man picks a younger lady dont mean she is a "Ditz". 30 year old woman and 50 year old man . how could you say she is a ditz. when perhaps this lady could be well established.

usless statement!

That is for sure! I didn't marry my husband so he could take care of my daughter. We married each other 'cause we are in love! Love baby love!

Personally I don't care what someone's opinion is...this ain't their life.

[~Jackie~ 30]

I realized something today reading this thread, the ONLY time I think of our difference, is when I am on VJ.

As we age together, it is less and less a factor. We are both very active with work and the house. We appreciate the same things and find fun where we can. I can't figure out for the life of me why this is such a hot topic on this site. A marriage, an immigration, the adjustment of it all, there are soooooooo many issues we all face, age, in my opinion, is the least of a couples worries.

Jackie

[KarenCee 3]

I realized something today reading this thread, the ONLY time I think of our difference, is when I am on VJ.

As we age together, it is less and less a factor. We are both very active with work and the house. We appreciate the same things and find fun where we can. I can't figure out for the life of me why this is such a hot topic on this site. A marriage, an immigration, the adjustment of it all, there are soooooooo many issues we all face, age, in my opinion, is the least of a couples worries.

Jackie

My husband and I never think about the age thing either...except on here. We're both so much alike...neither of us look our age (not that it "should" matter). I wish I knew what the big deal with age is...there have been polls and now this.

*takes hubby's hand and meanders out to the rocking chair*

[brnidokiegurl 1]

This is also the only place i have to defend it, just found this article, thought you might like to read, as long as the couple is fine, to heck with the rest. GUessing the big thing is because men have done this for ever and now women are starting more (or it might just be a matter of just now being more wrote about)

[bostonparis 0]

I never feel like I have to "defend" the age difference. We both want children, even though I'm older than he is, and I have no children for him to take care of - that's kind of funny. It's not the big deal that people seem to THINK that WE think it is.