Feeling uneasy

[Rc123rc 528]

I can understand what you are saying. It is very difficult. My fiance needed extra time to finish up work and a number of other things. Moving across town or state is very different from moving country to country. Also, even though you want to start a life together quickly, you don't want to come across as emotional and needy. One observation I have is that you said you had some amazing vacations together. That can actually work against you. Those amazing vacations are far different than living a day to day life together. This is not going to be easy for either of you. It could very well be he's experiencing cold feet. He also may have realized that he doesn't get to live his life the way he wants to anymore with no one to interfere or judge . He has his own pace and he doesn't want people telling  him what to do or pressuring him.  He will need to take you into consideration every single day.  That can be a real problem for some people. Good Luck, I hope it works out. 

Edited February 26, 2017 by rcripps

[David&Femke 91]

On 25-2-2017 at 9:50 PM, Annalo said:

So I know this isn't a site to get relationship advice...but I really feel that I need to speak with people going through the same situation. Don't know anyone in a ldr relationship. Fiance was approved 4 weeks ago and we both are excited and relieved it is done! We have been together for 3 years. He has visited 5 times and I've gone there once. It's been a lot of time, money and commitment on both ends. 

 

Things have been a little rocky though latley. Our relationship has always been an amazing one and I always felt I could talk with him. Now he is always busy and is even making up excuses, changing the time when he should come. I try to be understanding but it's also hard. I know he's leaving everything behind.. But I'd also like to know when he's coming and arrange things. 

 

I just feel a huge lack of effort on his part and communication is key when you're in a long distance relationship. I have talked to him about all of this but it usually ends up in an argument. It's scary because we are supposed to live together and get married? 

 

Has anyone else gone through a similar situation maybe? Does it just get harder before you close the distance? I love him and because of that I want him happy. I wouldn't want him giving up everything if it wasn't the right thing to do. I'm just feeling rather down about it recently. 

The long distance is really hard for us to, we always go trough hard times when we are appart, maybe it has been a wile sinds you seen eachother the last time. we have spend about 6 months a year together and 6 months apart for the years we been together.

I am a big talker and like to talk a lot. My fiance howerever is not a big talker, its easy for me to keep comunicating but for him it is always hard, because he communicates much more trough deeds, when i get upset he is the kind of person that does not know what to say but gives you a hug, that is hard to do over the internet. so for us it also get a little rocky when were apart for a long time and he can feel distant to me , but we live togther that is gone comepletely and we rarelly have problems.

I dont know if this sounds like your situation a bit? For me personally I really believe in beeing open and honest, and maybe even confronting, I know that does not work for everyone and it seems senceable to give someone some space that needs it at the same time. But I think mostly just be you and do what feels right with that, you been together for 3 years so he knows you and that is what he fell inlove with.

And maybe you can take a short vacation go visit him in Cananda and come back to the US together, then it is much easyer to see what is really going on with him. He will have some extra time to say goodby to his life there, you only visited his home and famely 1 time. and then you get some time with just the 2 off you to get on solid ground withouth distractions.

[David&Femke 91]

Also I dont agree with not wanting to come across needy part, your not boy girl dating anymore. By now i feel you can assume a closeness between the two of you were it is ok to be vonarable. Be honest about what you feel exactually, dont fight over little thing like forgetting to call, but adress the bigger underlying feeling. Tell him that you feel things are changing between you and that you are scared you might be losing him, when you are vonareble instead of upset, that might trigger him in to beeing more open with you.

and i ment UK instead of canada

 

[Eric&Olya 881]

First of all, I would like to support you. It must be very difficult for you to go through this situation. 

You are absolutely right that communication is very important, and whatever is going on with him, you should know about it, and he should also be aware of your feelings. But if your attempts to talk to him lead to arguments, maybe you should try something else. 

I would recommend writing love letters - expressing all your concerns in a loving way in writing, which gives you a chance to think it over and choose the words carefully not to hurt each other. I don't remember in which book I found this idea, probably "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus". It may sound silly but it has worked very well for me and my fiance. We've been in LDR for almost 2 years, and we haven't had a single fight. It doesn't mean that we see eye to eye on everything, we just found the way to communicate about it in a productive and not hurtful way. We both were married before, and we learned from our previous unfortunate experience how lack of communication can ruin everything. 

By the way, men are really from Mars:-) They need space, they need time, they are not able to multitask, they invent problems to be solved successfully in the absense of real dragons to kill, and so on. Sometimes it is impossible to understand them, all you can do is just accept the fact that their brain works in a different way. 

I have some clippings from the book about how to write those letters, I can share them if you wish.