Our Humble Home

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

I am really sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine how frustrating and lonely it must feel. Your well being and happiness shouldn't only be YOUR issue, it should be an issue your husband is concerned with as well.

This. I remember when I was a newlywed living in Britain, feeling cut off and dependent on my husband, and I was there legally. You two are a team, a little family, people who chose to be a family. Decent surroundings will help your bond grow deeper. It doesn't need to be palatial; a home of any size can be made pleasant. It just needs to be a place of comfort and safety, which are what we think of when we think of "home."

I have to say I bristled a little when I heard your FIL bought your husband a new laptop. Couldn't he have had one off Gumtree that was a couple of years old? When my laptop bust last year while I was unemployed, I sold an old camera of mine and spent the proceeds on a little netbook off Craigslist. Are Facebook games more important than a double bed?

I feel so judgey when I write things like this, Adriene, but you come off as a very likable person caught in a difficult situation and in need of more emotional, intellectual, financial and -- even! -- philosophical support than your loved one is giving you right now.

[aaydrian 479]

Can't believe out of all the endless household necessities your husband chose a laptop. Smh.

Had a look again at your home...YOU ACTUALLY HAVE A **SINGLE** BED AS **THE** MARRIAGE BED?! You guys must be pretty skilled

Another tip: if replacing furniture get ones that have dual functions to save on space eg couch/bed, mobile butcher's block/table. You may want to invest in a sewing machine so you can make for eg your own curtains or slip covers, cushions. You may want to also mount your TV on the wall.

Something just occurred to me. Your FIL actually still grants birthday wishes for his 36 yr old son? Smh.

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

Something just occurred to me. Your FIL actually still grants birthday wishes for his 36 yr old son? Smh.

I'm turning 39 next Tuesday and my parents asked me what I wanted; ditto for my SO who turned 39 as well on Monday. I didn't know this was uncommon.

Edit to add: I thought the rest of your advice was great though!

Edited June 1, 2012 by Honey Crumpet

[Marilyn. 340]

I turned 38 a few weeks ago and my SIL asked me what I wanted.. of course she got me the one thing I said I didn't really need or want.. lol

Edited June 1, 2012 by Marilyn.

[aaydrian 479]

I'm turning 39 next Tuesday and my parents asked me what I wanted; ditto for my SO who turned 39 as well on Monday. I didn't know this was uncommon.

Somebody needs to get on the baby train. That or you're the baby in the family (you know they're never too old for anything).

I turned 38 a few weeks ago and my SIL asked me what I wanted.. of course she got me the one thing I said I didn't really need or want.. lol

Haha. That's different. Your SIL (sister/BIL/brother) is almost like a friend getting you a gift.

Edited June 1, 2012 by aaydrian

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

Somebody needs to get on the baby train. That or you're the baby in the family (you know they're never too old for anything).

Haha. That's different. Your SIL (sister/BIL/brother) is almost like a friend getting you a gift.

So parents giving their children gifts is not okay but more tangential family members is okay? Or maybe people have different family traditions? My guy and I are from very different upbringings (Northeast/South; secular/evangelical) but this is how it works in both our families. Oh well, next time my parents offer me a present I will say NO! I AM NOT A BABY!

[Marilyn. 340]

I think she means parents asking us what we want is strange.. but it is ok for BIL, SIL, brothers, sisters etc to ask.. not sure what the real difference is though

[Adriene H 89]

Believe me when I say I've been thinking long and hard about these

issues long before I posted them for feedback.

I can always turn myself in as an overstayer and request voluntary

departure. I have a current passport so the governments wouldn't

need to communicate with each other for travel documents.

I'd hopefully be returned to the state I last held residence

in, and start from scratch. The only place to go would be up at that

point.

Last week, we were able to talk with a solicitor about starting

the process for me in the UK. He gave us a list of stuff to make

copies of (Like similar stuff to I-130 evidence). He in turn,

has an inside contact at the UKBA and is going to ask him to glance

at our information and tell us what my chance of success will be.

I had to include a sincere letter of apology regarding my overstay.

If my chances turn out to be slim or complicated, I'll probably

bow out of the situation with a great feeling of relief and head

back home.

[Adriene H 89]

Can't believe out of all the endless household necessities your husband chose a laptop. Smh.

Had a look again at your home...YOU ACTUALLY HAVE A **SINGLE** BED AS **THE** MARRIAGE BED?! You guys must be pretty skilled

Another tip: if replacing furniture get ones that have dual functions to save on space eg couch/bed, mobile butcher's block/table. You may want to invest in a sewing machine so you can make for eg your own curtains or slip covers, cushions. You may want to also mount your TV on the wall.

Something just occurred to me. Your FIL actually still grants birthday wishes for his 36 yr old son? Smh.

Birthday and Christmas wishes are the bomb. Don't mind them one bit. However,

I've found that if I'm in a relationship during one of those events, I tend

to get a present that I think both of us would enjoy and have fun with ...

But one time, I got a car key in a jewelry box from Santa, despite being a

well used 1987 Mercedes E190, was like the highlight of many days. Until the

transmission went out. Okay then.

But yea, we have a single bed and he doesn't ever seem concerned about it.

Makes me wonder. I don't know. He's not very nice to me. Not physically.

Just mentally, I don't feel so healthy. We have no friends here. At least

no mutual friends. He calls his co-workers at work friends. Then he tells

me that he tried to introduce me to his friends. When he took me to his work

on his night off to hang out and play bingo with a couple of his co-workers

who were off too. But he never does anything with these 'friends' outside of

work hours, so I don't really get the chance to meet these folks. My husband

works in a pub and used to encourage me to come hang out and meet people, lots

of old people! But here I was sitting playing bingo with people I've only met

a couple times, while my husband is completely comfortable around them.

I know I'm shy, it takes me longer to open up to people.

[Adriene H 89]

I can't help but feel that there's someone more compatible

out there for the both of us and it's not fair to stay

shackled to one another if we're mutually unhappy. I guess...

[*Snowdrop* 603]

Birthday and Christmas wishes are the bomb. Don't mind them one bit. However,

I've found that if I'm in a relationship during one of those events, I tend

to get a present that I think both of us would enjoy and have fun with ...

But one time, I got a car key in a jewelry box from Santa, despite being a

well used 1987 Mercedes E190, was like the highlight of many days. Until the

transmission went out. Okay then.

But yea, we have a single bed and he doesn't ever seem concerned about it.

Makes me wonder. I don't know. He's not very nice to me. Not physically.

Just mentally, I don't feel so healthy. We have no friends here. At least

no mutual friends. He calls his co-workers at work friends. Then he tells

me that he tried to introduce me to his friends. When he took me to his work

on his night off to hang out and play bingo with a couple of his co-workers

who were off too. But he never does anything with these 'friends' outside of

work hours, so I don't really get the chance to meet these folks. My husband

works in a pub and used to encourage me to come hang out and meet people, lots

of old people! But here I was sitting playing bingo with people I've only met

a couple times, while my husband is completely comfortable around them.

I know I'm shy, it takes me longer to open up to people.

I think the gift thing you describe above is common with a lot of couples. My husband used his birthday money from his mother to service his sports car (that I don't drive or rarely go in now we have a baby). I bought new sheets for our bed with my birthday money.

It sounds like a tough place to be right now. I think you need to reach out and find some female friends soon - definitely if you move forward on the immigration stuff. I notice you live in Blackburn - is your husband from the north? Northern men can be a bit dour and difficult sometimes - I'm from Cumbria, I worked briefly in Blackburn for a year or so at the radio station there. I'm trying to think if I still know anyone nearby there. Do you live in the city centre?

You need a bigger bed - or two singles - your husband must be severely affected by how he is sleeping every night. I can't imagine how he is doing it - no wonder he goes to bed so late - he must need to be exhausted before he can fall asleep in that position - half on a tiny sofa and half on a chair.

Even if you just get a mattress on the floor as a temporary measure. Can you afford a cheap double mattress? Then you could get a bed frame later. The chance to sleep next to other might be good for both of you and your mental health and peace.

Have you tried mapping out a plan for the furniture if you were to add a double bed in there - any way to move things around anyway? I second getting as much furniture which does 'double-duty' as possible. Tables, seats etc with storage inside for example. And use as much of the unused wall space as possible with shelves etc.

If I was at home in the UK right now I would drive over and help you.

[aaydrian 479]

So parents giving their children gifts is not okay but more tangential family members is okay? Or maybe people have different family traditions? My guy and I are from very different upbringings (Northeast/South; secular/evangelical) but this is how it works in both our families. Oh well, next time my parents offer me a present I will say NO! I AM NOT A BABY!

You got me all wrong. The 'baby train' meant you guys don't have any kids(?) and need to get it 'poppin'. When you do have kids your parents forget all about you. The grandkids get exactly what they want and you're lucky if you even get a card (trust, I know).

I think she means parents asking us what we want is strange.. but it is ok for BIL, SIL, brothers, sisters etc to ask.. not sure what the real difference is though

Your right, it's the asking that's weird not actually getting a gift.

The difference is a parent asking makes it seem as if the the 30 something yr old is well still a child while the siblings/in laws asking seem more accommodating, at least to me.

[Adriene H 89]

I think the gift thing you describe above is common with a lot of couples. My husband used his birthday money from his mother to service his sports car (that I don't drive or rarely go in now we have a baby). I bought new sheets for our bed with my birthday money.

It sounds like a tough place to be right now. I think you need to reach out and find some female friends soon - definitely if you move forward on the immigration stuff. I notice you live in Blackburn - is your husband from the north? Northern men can be a bit dour and difficult sometimes - I'm from Cumbria, I worked briefly in Blackburn for a year or so at the radio station there. I'm trying to think if I still know anyone nearby there. Do you live in the city centre?

You need a bigger bed - or two singles - your husband must be severely affected by how he is sleeping every night. I can't imagine how he is doing it - no wonder he goes to bed so late - he must need to be exhausted before he can fall asleep in that position - half on a tiny sofa and half on a chair.

Even if you just get a mattress on the floor as a temporary measure. Can you afford a cheap double mattress? Then you could get a bed frame later. The chance to sleep next to other might be good for both of you and your mental health and peace.

Have you tried mapping out a plan for the furniture if you were to add a double bed in there - any way to move things around anyway? I second getting as much furniture which does 'double-duty' as possible. Tables, seats etc with storage inside for example. And use as much of the unused wall space as possible with shelves etc.

If I was at home in the UK right now I would drive over and help you.

He was born in Burnley and lived in Nelson until he was 6 years old.

Then his parents, his 2 sisters, and him all got relocated to California.

His father had gotten a job with Boeing. He lived in Southern California

from the age of 6 to about 20, then he was deported back to England.

So all his education is American. That's how I met him, in grade school.

My idea was to chuck the loveseat and chair. Buy another single.

Then we could arrange them however when the mood strikes. In an L-shape

around the TV, or side by side ...

I live kind of on the edge of town off Preston New Road going towards

Preston by a Somerfield's Texaco garage

[Adriene H 89]

You got me all wrong. The 'baby train' meant you guys don't have any kids(?) and need to get it 'poppin'. When you do have kids your parents forget all about you. The grandkids get exactly what they want and you're lucky if you even get a card (trust, I know).

Your right, it's the asking that's weird not actually getting a gift.

The difference is a parent asking makes it seem as if the the 30 something yr old is well still a child while the siblings/in laws asking seem more accommodating, at least to me.

Not true ... my husband became a parent at 17.

Last year, it was a 27" LCD TV. But I must say

it's provided endless hours of entertainment and

companionship

[aaydrian 479]

Not true ... my husband became a parent at 17.

Last year, it was a 27" LCD TV. But I must say

it's provided endless hours of entertainment and

companionship

That's another scenario, babies having babies. When you have kids young the grandparents esp mothers think you will never be adequate enough in taking care of your baby even when years have passed (trust, I know). So you find at 30 your mother still treats you like a child.