Sneaky wedding, don't tell the family..

[Alex+R 0]

I am, for myself, very sad that my mom won´t be able to attend my wedding, and scared to hell it would pose as a problem with immigration at AOS.

Don't be scared about that! I can't speak from personal experience but I don't think not having parents at a wedding that takes place in another hemisphere is going to be suspicious!

As for the OP: I still think it comes down to whether or not your mom sees your legal wedding as your real wedding. If she does, you pretty much have to let her come if you don't want to deeply wound her.

[knowledge 0]

Either a) explain to them that this is not your "real" wedding and you'd like to have them at only that to make it more special (and maybe hint at how much it's going to stress you out to have them visiting when you JUST got reunited with your fiance and want to get the paperwork filing over with

or B ) suck it up and let them come.

I face the same dilemma.

not "real"???...hm! looking around me all the divorcees, made me look to a certain point on which ground they began their relationship, and we might find there some mysterious reasons that got later and develpp into the relationship that did not work out...Therefore i got more sensitive to the fact to protect more the relationship, from the begining...nurture it etc., and an important thing like marriage has to be understood as sacred in terms of relationship...the quality of it and that includes that all be happy, including the relatives..to accept and respect the couple.s decision...Thus, would say: whatever makes you happy my girl!...not the reverse, if so, then the hidden message would be: oh no, i don't you to be happy, you have to wait for me for that...etc...strange huh? I'm talking about a happy foundation, in exact correspondence with the desire of the couple..Letting others intrude in the relationship and create to the couple such nervosity is not right ...for the foundation...!...

While I don't really understand what the rest of your post was about, I will clarify on the "real" wedding point: I meant it's not the ceremony, it's just perhaps, the signing of the paperwork. That's how we're treating it, as we don't want our party-type wedding to be seen as a vow renewal.

Well, how should I put it? in english i believe it's correct: foundation of a relationship!....Maybe we have different opinions...I have a, how to put it..symbolical view if you prefere...that every step or phase is part of it...and not one is real and the other not...signing a paperwork is real..and official...I understand that for you, the real deal is the party.....

[*Robert* 2]

Its your wedding, so do what makes you happy, but remember... you can only do it once the first time...

[JenT 0]

Yanno what, I'mma lob this one into the conversation:

Parents raise you, care for you, share in your life. I know that sometimes it's ridiculous to have to consider other people's feelings, but to shut the people who love you OUT from sharing in one of the biggest days of your lives just seems like a really awful thing to do.

Now there are a lot of families who are like 'hey it's your day' and who would really not be upset or offended by it, but if your family ISN'T like that...imagine what a slap in the face this would be. A mother who lived her life partially for your well being, then it's just 'too inconvenient' to have her share in your monumentous day. Imagine the pain that could cause someone & imagine how you'd feel in her shoes.

Isn't there some kind of compromise everyone could reach so that no one gets upset? Is it really that difficult? Including the ppl who love you in your life is one of the joys of being part of something that's precious. Imagine how sh!t one would feel if no one cared enough to even want to come?

The more I was reading through this thread, the more I was trying to figure out how I was going to 'tactfully' state my opinion on this... Thanks, Lisa.... you did it well for me!

I don't see the issue here at all. Yes, it's your day, Meliss. Yes, you have complete control over how you set the stage here. I venture to guess that the main issue here IS about control. There's more going on in this 'inter-personal realm' than we all know, and that's fine. But trust me when I say that you cannot undo that hurt that this will cause. So, proceed at your own risk.

Jen