please help me

[mrs.wife 1]

My foreign husband came here to the US to marry me. We have known each other since 1994 and have been married one year. Since coming to the US, he has changed completely. I know that it is a hard transition coming to another country as well as a huge change to get married, so I have been trying to be supportive, but nothing seems to help. He is so depressed all of the time, and is angry with me for taking him away from his life in his country. I don't feel like I can talk to my family because they are critical of the fact that he doesn't have a job even though he has had his green card for six months. Also he sees me talking to my family about him as an invasion of privacy and me being disloyal to him. In order to return to his former profession, he needs additional training first here in the US, and he needs to improve his English before that training will be possible. So many of his preferences and attitudes have changed since arriving here that I feel like I hardly know him anymore. I am working full time to support us. When I get home at night, I help him study English. There are opportunities for other jobs and/or chances to improve his English by being involved with other people, but he refuses to do any of them. He feels that I tricked him into coming here and have now destroyed his life. I love my husband and want him to be happy. I even offered for us to move back to his country to live, but he doesn't want that either. Sometimes I think he is determined to be miserable. I am so unhappy in my marriage. I never imagined that things would change so much. I don't want to give up, but I am at the end of my rope. I take care of everything at home and outside of the home since he is not real comfortable with his English. In addition to a very stressful job, I don't feel like I can keep up this pace much longer. He is determined that the only way to get what he wants is by depending on himself and trusting no one else. He refuses offers of help. Please give me some advice. I am trying to be patient, but after 1 year, nothing has improved, and I still see him as not adapting to life in the US. Thank-you!

[nickbits 43]

therapy or marriage counseling?

[leahandlucas 15]

Dig a little deeper with him, you mentioned that he said the "only way" he'll be happy is if he's independant, not depending on anyone...

There's more to this than what i feel he is telling you.

People "learn" how to adapt. What country is he originally from?

[mrs.wife 1]

Dig a little deeper with him, you mentioned that he said the "only way" he'll be happy is if he's independant, not depending on anyone...

There's more to this than what i feel he is telling you.

People "learn" how to adapt. What country is he originally from?

Yes, I am considering marriage therapy. I know a good therapist, but he refuses to go with me--sees it as invasive. I am planning to go on my own. He is from Brasil. I agree with you that people learn to adapt, but he does not trust others well. He has learned from depending on others in the past and being let down that the only way is to do things yourself. I understand his thinking but do not agree with it. There are people who can give us advice and offer job opportunities while he is waiting to enter the training program, but he sees that as settling. We had a "friend" offer to help and then screw us over and completely drop the ball, so that has made things even worse and he really won't trust anyone. Everything he had before leaving Brasil he obtained by his own hard work--no help from anyone other than emotional support from his family, so he is used to doing things on his own. He also feels like everyone here is judging him for not having a job, yet he won't accept the opportunities that have been offered. Thanks for listening.

[JoannaV 173]

He is so depressed all of the time

He may be depressed, and this may be the cause of all of the changes in attitude and behaviour that you have seen. Anger is also a common manifestation of depression in men.

We can hope that this is something that will resolve itself once he is able to do his normal job again, or even before that once he is getting the training for the job. With his current progress in English how long will it be before he is able to do the additional training? Is there any way of enrolling him in some kind of accelerated English course?

I hope that your marriage can remain strong through this and that your husband is soon able to rise out of his depression.

[Gemmie 142]

Is he having problems finding work? It sounds like he's lost a lot of self-esteem by not being independent and being able to provide, has he been looking for a job?