Growing Old

[Indo_mommy 0]

[snz1802 0]

Toooo Toooo Funny, I found out I am growing older today, I have to get glasses, ughhh, although the eye doctor said my RX is a very low RX, but still, I used to have 20/20 vision and now, at 33, glasses, but I do have to say, I did like the way I looked in them....kinda sophisticated hehehe

[Marilyn. 340]

Do you know the four signs of growing old?

1. Forgetting names,

2. Forgetting faces,

3. Forgetting to zip up,

4. Forgetting to zip down

***********************************************************************

You Know You're Over the Hill When ...

1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

2. You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

4. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

5. You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.

6. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large ....In that order.

7. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya.

8. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

9. You start video taping daytime game shows.

10. At the airport, they ask to check your bags...and you're not carrying any luggage.

11. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.

12. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar...a month at a time.

13. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

14. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

15. When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out... and it stays out.

16. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

17. Conversations with people your own age often turn into "duelling ailments."

18. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

19. You discover the words, "whippersnapper", "scallywag" and "by-crikey" creeping into your vocabulary.

20. You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

21. You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

22. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

23. Your social security number only has three digits.

24. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

25. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

26. You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in the garden.

27. You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.

28. The waiter asks how you'd like your steak...and you say "pureed."

29. At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice.

30. You start beating everyone else at trivia games.

31. You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

32. Your back goes out more than you do.

33. Cafeteria food starts tasting GOOD.

34. You refer to your $2500 stereo system as "The Hi-Fi."

35. You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town.

36. You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

37. Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

38. Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

39. The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.

40. All of your favorite movies are now revised in color.

41. The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

42. You have more hair in your ears and nose than your head.

43. You wear black socks with sandals.

44. You take a metal detector to the beach.

45. You look both ways before crossing a room.

Edited May 9, 2006 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant and, as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her........ "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

[Marilyn. 340]

Exercise for seniors!

This is a wonderful exercise for Cardio Vascular .....

I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on.

The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute,then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand, and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks. Good Luck.

[Marilyn. 340]

ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? (Senior Citizen Version)

Are you lonesome tonight?

Does your tummy feel tight?

Did you bring your mylanta and tums?

Does your memory stray,

To that bright sunny day,

When you had all your teeth and your gums?

Is your hairline receding?

Your eyes growing dim?

Hysterectomy for her,

And its prostate for him.

Does your back give you pain?

Do your knees predict rain?

Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Is your blood pressure up?

Good cholesterol down?

Are you eating your low fat cuisine?

All that oat bran and fruit,

Metamucil to boot.

Helps you run like

A well oiled machine.

If it's football or baseball,

He sure knows the score.

Yes, he knows where it's at

But forgets what it's for.

So your gallbladder's gone,

But your gout lingers on,

Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

When you're hungry, he's not,

When you're cold, he is hot,

Then you start that old thermostat war.

When you turn out the light,

He goes left and you go right,

Then you get his great symphonic snore.

He was once so romantic,

So witty and smart;

How did he turn out to be such

A cranky old fart?

So don't take any bets,

It's as good as it gets,

Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

[Marilyn. 340]

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

[RubyWine 0]

LOL Marilyn -thanks for that laugh!! Here's on made me laugh this week as well!

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his

seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the

plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo!

She took the seat right beside him.

Hello, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the

annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen

sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your

business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of The popular

myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men

are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian

who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that

French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I

don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

Pauline

[Marilyn. 340]

You know you are getting Old when....

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded ofyour age.

12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

*****************************************************

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.

The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a pee, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."

"Heck, that's nothing," said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a #######, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible."

The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I pee like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I ####### like a pig. Only problem is, I don't wake up till eleven."

[Marilyn. 340]

****************************************************************

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

[Marilyn. 340]

Wondrous Things

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,

Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,

When the bones creak,

When the knees go bad,

I simply remember my favorite things,

And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinin,

And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,

When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,

When the eyes grow dim,

Then I remember the great life I've had,

And then I don't feel so bad.

[Marilyn. 340]

Grandad was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular.

"When I was a kid, my mum could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves of bread, and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar!

Then Grandad said sadly, "You can't do that anymore because they got those darn video cameras everywhere."

[Marilyn. 340]

[Marilyn. 340]

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.

Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are very close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

[Marilyn. 340]

You Know You're Over the Hill When ...

*You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

*You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

*Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

*You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

*You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.

*You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large ....In that order.

*You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya.

*Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

*You start video taping daytime game shows.

*At the airport, they ask to check your bags...and you're not carrying any luggage.

*You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.

*Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar...a month at a time.

*At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

*Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

*When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays out.

*One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

*Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

*It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

*You discover the words, "whippersnapper", "scallywag" and "by-crikey" creeping into your vocabulary.

*You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

*You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

*You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

*You look both ways before crossing a room.

*Your social security number only has three digits.

*You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

*People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

*You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in the garden.

*You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.

*The waiter asks how you'd like your steak...and you say "pureed."

*At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice.

*You start beating everyone else at trivia games.

*You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

*Your back goes out more than you do.

*Cafeteria food starts tasting GOOD.

*You refer to your $2500 stereo system as "The Hi-Fi."

*You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town.

*You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

*Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

*Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

*The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.

*All of your favorite movies are now revised in color.

*The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

*You have more hair in your ears and nose than your head.

*You wear black socks with sandals.

*You take a metal detector to the beach.