How to Deal with your Marriage Critics Effectively

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Bob, you started an open thread giving your opinion and criticism of how to deal other people's criticism of your marriage. I gave you mine. I'll even go further in saying that after reading your blog site where you prop your young Filipina wife up like a trophy, you'll get no sympathy from me over whatever real or perceived criticism you've encountered from outsiders. I'm shaking my head in disbelief over your long, drawn out indignation of outside criticism when you openly and unabashedly regard your spouse as if she were a piece of meat. Unbelievable.

"What embitters the world is not excess of criticism, but an absence of self-criticism." ~ Gilbert K Chesterton

Edited July 20, 2010 by El Buscador

[rheanick 42]

My husband and I always have activities that allow me to meet his friends and co-workers. And if there is a male critic among them, that critic ended up being envious of my husband.

My hubby dont have to explain why he married me.

[LeoLaLit 2]

My husband and I are both Filipinos, raised in the Philippines until he has to come here in the US before turning 21..we dated for a short time way back when I was 17 and he was 18 when we were both in Nursing school at one of the top 4 universities in the Philippines.. BUT STILL, people questioned and continues to question our relationship, not only by his friends but his parents too! OH WELL...

[rlogan 2,036]

Bob, you started an open thread giving your opinion and criticism of how to deal other people's criticism of your marriage. I gave you mine. I'll even go further in saying that after reading your blog site where you prop your young Filipina wife up like a trophy, you'll get no sympathy from me over whatever real or perceived criticism you've encountered from outsiders. I'm shaking my head in disbelief over your long, drawn out indignation of outside criticism when you openly and unabashedly regard your spouse as if she were a piece of meat. Unbelievable.

"What embitters the world is not excess of criticism, but an absence of self-criticism." ~ Gilbert K Chesterton

Thank you again once more, El Buscador for that excellent covert-aggressive tactic the psychologists call "shaming". Our audience needs to see a covert-aggressor in action.

We are "invited" to feel shame. If the victim falls for the tactic, he is put on the defensive and tries in vain to convince the aggressor that his characterization is unfair.

But no person knows better than the covert aggressor himself the unfairness ofv the accusation. He specifically chooses unfair accusations because the ONLY point is to put you on the defensive. If you react defensively, you'll just get more.

This is a person that has quite a bit of practice at putting other people down while covering his motivations with the pretense of being "helpful". There's a lot packed into a small space. Impressive.

We have the framing we are asking him for "sympathy" for "perceived" criticism. Your aggressor is relentless in putting you in a one-down position. Hence the need to create an illusion that we have come to him asking him for his approval. That's the last thing your aggressor would ever do.

The accusation of hypocrisy was nicely done. This is beautiful because here we have the aggressor practicing the OP topic: trying to push for an empotional, defensive response for your young, beautiful Filipina. Isn't that cute?

The tactic of "minimization" is used here where you are framed has having only one interest in your wife - the meat part. You are supposed to get on the defensive and beg for his approval that she is more than that.

It was cunning to level the accusation of hypocrisy simultaneously. It required framing me as a person "complaining" and seeking "sympathy" in the OP instead of someone who is showing you how to deal with a person like this.

So to put the whole packaged together, our aggressor starts with the false framing that you are complaining and seeking sympathy for marriage critics instead of showing people how to contend with it. Then we have our relationship with our wife minimized to "just a piece of meat". It is capped off with the accusation of hypocrisy. A triple whammy!

It is important to jump up and down screeching with terminology like "unbelievable". An aggressor knows how to display different emotions to manipulate. They might feign anger, outrage, disbelief, etc. in order to get the intended victim to question themselves.

Then the finishing touch to it all: a repeat of aggression-denial with the quotation. There's no problem with the aggressor criticising you, the problem is you don't criticise yourself enough.

Thanks again!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Thanks again!

You're welcome! Thanks for reciprocating the criticism! Isn't criticism wonderful in the right context?