Married Filipinos who send money to family back in Philippines

[jom 4]

When my wife received her first American paychek she sent $200.00 to the Philippines for her family back in the Philippines ( parents, brother and nieces ). She also sent checks to my daughters and brought our boys to Walmart to buy a toy they want. She said its her tradition to always share with immediate family members the first paycheck. After that she has not send any money home because they don't need it. Her mom actually gets paid a lot being an RTC judge, Manong Arnel is working , and her father receives whatever income generated from their rented properties.

I remember at one time the brother asked for additional money and Myla said NO. Her reason was that she doesnt want her brother to turn into a bum like a number of her neighbors who just sit around and wait for money coming from the states, from either a family member working abroad or married to a foreigner. Since he is working, he should have enough money for his expenses, on top of it, her mom spends for the nieces so he is doing okay. At one time her father had to be admitted and she did offer help but the Mom refused saying she is responsible for him, not my wife. Keeps telling her to concentrate on her family now ( me and kids) . What a great mother-in-law:)

Her income here is OUR money and most of it goes to our savings for spending when we retire. We already sent a box full of goodies for Christmas.If she wants to send money I don't mind, she works hard for it but she is more concerned of US and our future and probably because her family back home is doing just fine.

Edited November 18, 2009 by jom

[Jasman0717 9]

I would recommend that if you are going to send money home then set up ground rules so the family will understand what they will be recieving and also understand that you will not be giving any extra. We didn't do this with Claudeth's family and now they expect us to send whatever they ask for. Ugh! Once we put our foot in the bucket it is hard to get it back out

Also, I have a savings account with an ATM card. We sent the family the ATM card so now they can just go to about any ATM and get money. The Bank of the Philippine Islands seem to be the best. Each withdrawn transaction only costs us $1.50.

[adiiann 163]

When I say relative, I actually meant my wife's mmediate family.

I wasn't inclined to help my in-laws with their mortgage when they got behind, especially since the first I heard of it was the threat of impending foreclosure. That signified poor financial planning. When my wife asked me for money for that, I told her if she wanted to help, she would have to come up with the funds out of her own discretionary money.

Likewise, I wasn't very thrilled to help when my wife's dad wound up in the hospital because of a lifetime of bad habits (alcoholism, smoking, etc...). He didn't have insurance because he had spent his retirement money on alcohol and gambling. My wife's family told her that her dad could not be released from the very expensive hospital he was at until they paid the bill, and of course they had no money to do so. So, my wife felt she had no choice but to come up with the money. I don't know why they chose to take her dad to the most expensive hospital in town when they couldn't afford the rates and without even bothering to consult my wife. I ended up having to cancel a contract to buy a house for our family because of this situation. As a result, we're still renting.

When the in-laws' house was severely damaged by Ondoy, I told my wife I would help, but that there was no way I could give them the money to buy a new house. I could send money for basic necessities like food, clothes, and money to get them started renting, but that's all I could do.

The problem I have is that after the current crisis, there will always be another one, and no matter how much money my wife sends, it will never be enough and her family will always want more. So, my wife always feels guilty that she's not doing more and her family keeps treating her merely like an ATM. Then, when we want to buy something or my parents have a financial crisis, my wife tells me that we can't afford it...

Okay... Got it!... As for me, I will not send them money and will just tell them that I am having trouble here and I can't help this time. I must say that in general, Filipino families are a bit sucker with their family living or working abroad. They will always ask money no matter what, when you tolerate them doing that to you.

Anyway, this is just suggestion. What if you laid back a little bit, tell your wife not to send money when they needed it. They will start figuring things with themselves. Give them a lesson that you are not just picking-up money outside your backyard, you work hard to earn it, and you have your lives here to work on too.

[Jasman0717 9]

Okay... Got it!... As for me, I will not send them money and will just tell them that I am having trouble here and I can't help this time. I must say that in general, Filipino families are a bit sucker with their family living or working abroad. They will always ask money no matter what, when you tolerate them doing that to you.

Anyway, this is just suggestion. What if you laid back a little bit, tell your wife not to send money when they needed it. They will start figuring things with themselves. Give them a lesson that you are not just picking-up money outside your backyard, you work hard to earn it, and you have your lives here to work on too.

Whenever we tell Claudeth's family we can't afford to send them money I imagine I see their eyes glazing over and then a little later they are asking for money again. It seems they don't listen to something that they don't want to hear

[josedetshane 0]

Does the issue of sending money home (or how much you send) cause tension between you and your spouse? If so, how have you tried to resolve it?

What rules do you and your spouse follow regarding remittances (e.g. money only comes from Filipino spouse's pay)?

How do you determine the amount of money you send back to family in Philippines?

How do you distinguish legitimate needs vs. "nice to have"s?

How do you handle emergencies (real and imagined) that come up?

Have you ever cut any family members off financially? If so, why and for how long?

Money will only cause tension for me and my husband if we give and spend beyond our means.

We are honest with my relatives, if we have extra money I send money to them,even if they don't ask us.

I tell them to keep it and buy what is necessary.

But when we don't have extra I tell them also we can't send.

The money to send is determined by the extra money we have, let's say 50 dollars this month.

Then 75 dollars next month.

We have emergency money we keep for ourselves but we can always spare them some, like 100 dollars

and that's it. No more no less.

Yes, cutting of a family member is also advised, especially if the terms of suppport has already been met. (example: helping a sister go to school, when she is finished in her studies, she is on her own, And limit only to 4 years, we will not expect for her to stay in college for 6 or 7 years if she is only taking a 4-year course.)

i don't work yet, and I submit to my husband's decisions when it comes to money matters. he always tell me "if we have extra money, they don't need to ask twice.. and when you're already working the money that you want to send to your family will be all up to you.. for now the priority of what I earn is for this family of ours"

My husband is awesome in many ways.. I respect him for that

[Richard90027 1]

Oopps

Edited November 18, 2009 by Richard90027

[Richard90027 1]

Does the issue of sending money home (or how much you send) cause tension between you and your spouse? If so, how have you tried to resolve it?

What rules do you and your spouse follow regarding remittances (e.g. money only comes from Filipino spouse's pay)?

How do you determine the amount of money you send back to family in Philippines?

How do you distinguish legitimate needs vs. "nice to have"s?

How do you handle emergencies (real and imagined) that come up?

Have you ever cut any family members off financially? If so, why and for how long?

No tension. Its my own money not from my hubby (USC).

You have done well at becoming an American Women. Glad my wife is not!

[jsnearline 2]

I think what she was trying to say is that she only sends money home that she earns instead of manipulating her husband into sending his own.

[rheanick 42]

Does the issue of sending money home (or how much you send) cause tension between you and your spouse? If so, how have you tried to resolve it?

What rules do you and your spouse follow regarding remittances (e.g. money only comes from Filipino spouse's pay)?

How do you determine the amount of money you send back to family in Philippines?

How do you distinguish legitimate needs vs. "nice to have"s?

How do you handle emergencies (real and imagined) that come up?

Have you ever cut any family members off financially? If so, why and for how long?

No tension. Its my own money not from my hubby (USC).

You have done well at becoming an American Women. Glad my wife is not!

This is my attitude way back even before i got married. I have enough money to take care of my family.

No generalization needed in this thread. And I'm glad you are not my husband!

[SuperDuper! 230]

Oopps

Did you stain your pants or what!

[lilajean 0]

i read some stories and it makes me so sad. if my parents was taken advantage of me and lying to me, it would break my heart! if i can not trust them how can i have relationship with them and be their daughter?

my heart goes out to everyone!

[MikeInWyoming 2]

Does the issue of sending money home (or how much you send) cause tension between you and your spouse? If so, how have you tried to resolve it?

What rules do you and your spouse follow regarding remittances (e.g. money only comes from Filipino spouse's pay)?

How do you determine the amount of money you send back to family in Philippines?

How do you distinguish legitimate needs vs. "nice to have"s?

How do you handle emergencies (real and imagined) that come up?

Have you ever cut any family members off financially? If so, why and for how long?

It's a great question and it depends on so many factors - each of us clearly has a different story. My wife would rather die than ask me to support her elderly parents. I, on the other hand, was convinced that for long term purposes - it would be smart to do so. So without her asking I told me wife that I intended to send money. The money goes directly to her mother's bank account once a month and covers the DSL I ordered for their house with about 12,000php/mo left over. A MagicJack phone sits on the laptop I provided. My wife can now talk to her family any and every day at no cost. Her family are not worried about finances. There is no homesickness and my wife's parents have pride. The $300US I spend each month to do this means that there are no other communication fees. The result has been happiness all around. Other's may have rules about "is the wife working." It's an OK question especially if the home budget is limited. But the cost of isolation, resentment, penny-pinching can be significant.

[tallcoolone 102]

Does the issue of sending money home (or how much you send) cause tension between you and your spouse? If so, how have you tried to resolve it?

What rules do you and your spouse follow regarding remittances (e.g. money only comes from Filipino spouse's pay)?

How do you determine the amount of money you send back to family in Philippines?

How do you distinguish legitimate needs vs. "nice to have"s?

How do you handle emergencies (real and imagined) that come up?

Have you ever cut any family members off financially? If so, why and for how long?

No tension. Its my own money not from my hubby (USC).

You have done well at becoming an American Women. Glad my wife is not!

Ditto

[tallcoolone 102]

Does the issue of sending money home (or how much you send) cause tension between you and your spouse? If so, how have you tried to resolve it?

What rules do you and your spouse follow regarding remittances (e.g. money only comes from Filipino spouse's pay)?

How do you determine the amount of money you send back to family in Philippines?

How do you distinguish legitimate needs vs. "nice to have"s?

How do you handle emergencies (real and imagined) that come up?

Have you ever cut any family members off financially? If so, why and for how long?

It's a great question and it depends on so many factors - each of us clearly has a different story. My wife would rather die than ask me to support her elderly parents. I, on the other hand, was convinced that for long term purposes - it would be smart to do so. So without her asking I told me wife that I intended to send money. The money goes directly to her mother's bank account once a month and covers the DSL I ordered for their house with about 12,000php/mo left over. A MagicJack phone sits on the laptop I provided. My wife can now talk to her family any and every day at no cost. Her family are not worried about finances. There is no homesickness and my wife's parents have pride. The $300US I spend each month to do this means that there are no other communication fees. The result has been happiness all around. Other's may have rules about "is the wife working." It's an OK question especially if the home budget is limited. But the cost of isolation, resentment, penny-pinching can be significant.

[bluesgorilla 2]

My wife and I are currently living in the Philippines and we talked about this before we got married. My feeling is that the family got along just fine without my help before I met them and they'll get along just fine without my help now.

When we met she was working and sending money to her mother every month. Once we married, we moved to another city and she has not been able to find work here since then. So, we continue to send her mother money each month. I think since my wife was doing this before we met but stopped because we got married that we have an obligation to continue to help her mother.

If there are medical emergencies we will contribute along with the rest of the family. For example, our 3-year-old nephew has heart problems that required an initial hospital stay followed by life-long medication. When he was diagnosed we were asked to pay all the bills. Since there are several OFWs earning a good salary in the family, I asked how much they were contributing and was met by blank stares. They looked at me like I was crazy to expect them to contribute when there was a Kano in the family. I offered to contribute as much as the other family members were going to contribute but not more than that. We wound up contributing about 4,000 pesos and between our contribution and the rest of the family our nephew is out of immediate danger and on his medicine.

Once we move to the US and my wife starts working we've agreed that she will contribute 40% of our monthly expenses including contributions to savings and the money we send to her mother. If her earnings are not enough to contribute 40% of our monthly budget than she will contribute 70% of her earnings instead. Anything left over she is free to do with as she pleases. If she wants to send it to relatives, go shopping, whatever....I don't care since it is her money.

Finally, I'd like to comment on the issue of us American husbands having to adapt to Filipino culture since we married a foreigner. That is certainly true, but my wife also married a foreigner. It is her equal responsibility to adapt to my culture and meet me halfway. In the case of financial assistance to the family she needs to understand that doing that is not the American culture and be willing to adapt to my cultural way of doing things and moderate her expectations. If she is not willing to compromise and meet me halfway, then I know she is not serious about making our marriage work and we need to go our separate ways.