Frustrations of LDR and the Visa Process

[Cynthia&Simon 0]

So as the clock ticks and we get closer and closer to getting all our paperwork in order, I noticed something begin to happen. My fiancée lives in the UK and was from the beginning the one doing all the research and work in gathering all the information, as well as hiring an attorney for us to process everything. Me I had that "New York" attitude about the whole situation, "believe it when I see it." But now the roles have switched and I notice that I am the one talking about it more, as well as making the plans for the wedding. Now back-story is my Fiancée does have 2 children he will be leaving behind to come be with me and lord how I feel for him, because I also have 2 children and could never make that decision. But again it was his decision, one he came to on his own. He also lost his job in the UK and is very down about that situation. But I have tried to make every reassurance to him that visits with his children will be happening and consistent. That he can’t let this depression get to him about being out of work and that he needs to actively search. But there are just only so many ways I can reassure him of this without finding myself repeating it over and over. He confessed to me recently how scared he is, of the cultural change, finding a job and of course leaving his children. I am trying to be understanding I am trying to reassure him as much as possible, but he always just seems so easily frustrated. I'm trying everything possible to be understanding and it is not difficult to do as I can only imagine how overwhelming this whole process must be for him. But at times it is difficult for me to remain unbiased because while I am hearing what he is saying, I am also hearing "I can't do this." He reassures me it is not the case that change is difficult for him, that there are no questions about wanting to be with me. My frustration in seeing him like this is, will this be a vision of how it will be once he gets here. I mean I love reading the boards about visas received and marriage vows exchanged. It almost seems very "Live happily ever-after like." But reality is life is never that way and I am prepared to do that work, but am I being selfish for feeling that I can't have him drop anchor on me? I am thinking of stepping back a bit maybe not being so accessible, give him that time that he probably needs to think and process everything. Don't get me wrong we communicate and I have told him how I feel and how difficult it is to see him at times struggling with everything going on in his life. I remind him of how far he has come in life and about trials and tribulations that he has faced in his past and overcome. But all this seems to do is jolt him for a day, to do the things he needs to do. In being his partner I am prepared to be his crutch and him be mine when need be, but I am not prepared to be anyone's walker. Is this selfish of me?

[evanscholly 1]

I think you need to give him some time to really think things through and see if he is ready to make that change. I almost made the same mistake when i was dating my ex fiance who was from Germany, everytime we had conversations about his move to the US he always complains about leaving everything behind in Germany and starting all over again here in the US. It got so bad that the relationship suffered and we had no choice but to go our separate ways as friends. Believe me if he is complaining now, it's going to continue when he eventually gets here especially those few months he will be home waiting for his Work Authorization and when he goes out to search for a job and he can't find any immediately. My advice give him some time if need be, a few weeks to let him think things through, this is an expensive venture and both parties must be in agreement before things can work out. Two cannot work together except they agree. Think things through.

[terri and jay 0]

I think you need to give him some time to really think things through and see if he is ready to make that change. I almost made the same mistake when i was dating my ex fiance who was from Germany, everytime we had conversations about his move to the US he always complains about leaving everything behind in Germany and starting all over again here in the US. It got so bad that the relationship suffered and we had no choice but to go our separate ways as friends. Believe me if he is complaining now, it's going to continue when he eventually gets here especially those few months he will be home waiting for his Work Authorization and when he goes out to search for a job and he can't find any immediately. My advice give him some time if need be, a few weeks to let him think things through, this is an expensive venture and both parties must be in agreement before things can work out. Two cannot work together except they agree. Think things through.

hello, i too have my fiance' from the uk. he came and stayed w/me for 3months andwe knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. he went back too uk at the end of april not by our choose and he has no job too but is helping his mom take care of the farm and his step father that is ill. he too has a son. we talk about it and if his son ever wanted too move here he is more than welcome too. now for your fiance feeling scare and down that is normal. i go threw the same thing,but i want to. i want to be the one he turns too, take his worries out on me. i know its hard sometime but i know at the end we'll be happy and knowing it was worth all this wait. it hard being away from our man cause we love them. put ourself in their feet, let say its us moving to uk that would be scarey but i know i would make it cause i would have his support. god didnt say life would be easy.all i can say is keep postive if this is what both of u want. tell him everyday u love him and we r one day closer being together for the rest of your lives. terri

[Kwagga 0]

Cynthia, I can relate to how Simon is feeling. I am the beneficiary living in South Africa, and having/wanting to give up my entire life here to be with the man I love.

It is scarey for us to make this huge change in our lives, thoughts of the culture shock, adapting to the weather (we dont get cold here in SA) the uncertainty of how long it will take to find a job with the economic situation as it is. I will also be leaving my son behind, but luckily only for a year and a half to finish his final year at school before he joins us... but we have choices and sacrifices to make

My fiance, like you, also has times when he feels selfish, he often tells me how bad and sad he feels about me having to give up everything, friends, family, my pets and my posessions to be with him.

But you know what... we as the beneficiary have choices. It's a question of 'do I have to' or 'do I want to'. For me, I have made my choice, I know I want to be with the man I so dearly love and Im prepared to make the sacrifices to be with him.

Believe me, it's not easy on us, emotionaly it's draining, but looking beyond the visa process there is love and happiness and thats what counts.

So, NO, you are not being selfish, as long as you give him the support he needs (which you seem to be doing) you dont need to be a 'walker'.

[Gemmie 142]

everytime we had conversations about his move to the US he always complains about leaving everything behind in Germany and starting all over again here in the US.

As far as I know, that's completely normal.

I'm the beneficary, and I know that sometimes when the conversation comes up, I feel excited about moving. But more often, I complain about it.

I have to leave people behind and that's the most important part to me, and I have those people complaining about it to me all the time. I'm talking everyday, someone is telling me that they don't want me to leave, asking about what I'm going to do with myself out there while I can't work, pointing out potential problems in our relationship that means it might fail. I also have so many things to take care of that means packing my life into boxes, getting passports for everyone, cancelling accounts, visiting people that I might not see again, making decisions about "is this really important to me that I need to move it abroad"... it's really hard.

I understand it's hard being seperated from the one you love, because we are seperated from you petitioners too - but we need your support because we are going through so much change that even if you adapt easily, it's almost impossible not to mourn for your life before you've even left it. I tell my fiance everything, and I know that he gets annoyed sometimes when I complain about his country or my sacrifice, but at the same time, I like his reassurance and that's why I complain. I need him to tell me that everything will be OK, I will find a job, make new friends, visit back home, etc.

[laura819 0]

everytime we had conversations about his move to the US he always complains about leaving everything behind in Germany and starting all over again here in the US.

As far as I know, that's completely normal.

I'm the beneficary, and I know that sometimes when the conversation comes up, I feel excited about moving. But more often, I complain about it.

I have to leave people behind and that's the most important part to me, and I have those people complaining about it to me all the time. I'm talking everyday, someone is telling me that they don't want me to leave, asking about what I'm going to do with myself out there while I can't work, pointing out potential problems in our relationship that means it might fail. I also have so many things to take care of that means packing my life into boxes, getting passports for everyone, cancelling accounts, visiting people that I might not see again, making decisions about "is this really important to me that I need to move it abroad"... it's really hard.

I understand it's hard being seperated from the one you love, because we are seperated from you petitioners too - but we need your support because we are going through so much change that even if you adapt easily, it's almost impossible not to mourn for your life before you've even left it. I tell my fiance everything, and I know that he gets annoyed sometimes when I complain about his country or my sacrifice, but at the same time, I like his reassurance and that's why I complain. I need him to tell me that everything will be OK, I will find a job, make new friends, visit back home, etc.

Gemmie your post really gave me some insight! Sven is going through all of the things PP have talked about feeling/going through. Being the USC (and VERY easily adaptable to new countries, cultures, etc) it has been really hard for me, because all I feel is excitement..but for Sven, it obviously goes back and forth. I never really thought about other people saying they don't want him to leave (except his parents of course), and you definitely opened my eyes...so thanks for such a great post!

[Kwagga 0]

everytime we had conversations about his move to the US he always complains about leaving everything behind in Germany and starting all over again here in the US.

As far as I know, that's completely normal.

I'm the beneficary, and I know that sometimes when the conversation comes up, I feel excited about moving. But more often, I complain about it.

I have to leave people behind and that's the most important part to me, and I have those people complaining about it to me all the time. I'm talking everyday, someone is telling me that they don't want me to leave, asking about what I'm going to do with myself out there while I can't work, pointing out potential problems in our relationship that means it might fail. I also have so many things to take care of that means packing my life into boxes, getting passports for everyone, cancelling accounts, visiting people that I might not see again, making decisions about "is this really important to me that I need to move it abroad"... it's really hard.

I understand it's hard being seperated from the one you love, because we are seperated from you petitioners too - but we need your support because we are going through so much change that even if you adapt easily, it's almost impossible not to mourn for your life before you've even left it. I tell my fiance everything, and I know that he gets annoyed sometimes when I complain about his country or my sacrifice, but at the same time, I like his reassurance and that's why I complain. I need him to tell me that everything will be OK, I will find a job, make new friends, visit back home, etc.

Gemmie, your words are so true, especially about having to "pack your life into boxes". I'm at that point right now, and it aint easy.

Best of luck with your move.

I see your POE is Boston...will you be living in Boston?

[Gemmie 142]

Aww I'm glad.

We'll be living in Middleboro for a little while, about 40 miles off Boston. I see you are too. I have a friend!

[NatPatBen 3]

...

I tell my fiance everything, and I know that he gets annoyed sometimes when I complain about his country or my sacrifice, but at the same time, I like his reassurance and that's why I complain. I need him to tell me that everything will be OK, I will find a job, make new friends, visit back home, etc.

Thanks for posting. Good insight for the many of us on this website who are the petitioner.

I agree with you in general about the complaining & needing the reassurances. I wonder if women do this more than men. I know whenever I express my frustration about how long this process is taking, my fiance encourages me to hold on & be patient. It's definitely good to hear that type of thing.

[laura819 0]

...

I tell my fiance everything, and I know that he gets annoyed sometimes when I complain about his country or my sacrifice, but at the same time, I like his reassurance and that's why I complain. I need him to tell me that everything will be OK, I will find a job, make new friends, visit back home, etc.

Thanks for posting. Good insight for the many of us on this website who are the petitioner.

I agree with you in general about the complaining & needing the reassurances. I wonder if women do this more than men. I know whenever I express my frustration about how long this process is taking, my fiance encourages me to hold on & be patient. It's definitely good to hear that type of thing.

Haha....I'm the petitioner, a female, and I have been the one doing the reassuring.

[Gemmie 142]

Women often need to be listened to, not always told a solution.