mena men and smoking

[nunyab 0]

and honestly i have asthma and my husband refuses to smoke around me quitting the last time i was there for three months! He doesn't like it when others smoke near me and will get out of a cab if the drivers starts to smoke or asks him to stop. I would be ok with another room with a window open but... he won't be.

[Nothing1234 2]

and honestly i have asthma and my husband refuses to smoke around me quitting the last time i was there for three months! He doesn't like it when others smoke near me and will get out of a cab if the drivers starts to smoke or asks him to stop. I would be ok with another room with a window open but... he won't be.

Sounds like he should just quit if he can stop for 3 months. Typicallly after 3 weeks habits can be broken!

[KHPerfectMatch 1]

I told my husband when we first met that I would not live with a smoker. Somehow he convinced me that he would quit and I bought it... He didn't quit before the wedding..... like he was supposed to... and since I was only there for 3 weeks after our wedding I managed to get through it. All my gf's there told me not to try to make him quit when he was under all the pressure of a new marriage, blah blah blah...

He then promised to stop in Ramadan before I came in Eid Al Adha a year ago. He told me he was only smoking one cigarette with coffee after Ramadan. When I got there in December I realized he meant he was only smoking one at a time.. ALL DAY LONG!!!!! I was FURIOUS. By time I left for home I was 100% certain that I could NOT live with a smoker.

He promised me he would quit this year in Ramadan, knowing he was leaving for the USA after the Eid. I told him if he hadn't quit he shouldn't come. And if he smoked after he got here it was OVER. I should have never given him an inch when I'd made it 100% crystal clear from our FIRST MEETING that he HAD TO QUIT or forget about "US".

Happy to say he did quit. And he's only had one cigarette since he got here when someone offered him one sitting on a bench outside the mall.... I smelled it INSTANTLY when I pulled up in the car to pick him up and TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. It hasn't happened again. Alhamdulillah.

What really puzzled me was the fact that my husband is a very devout Muslim and he truly believed that smoking was haram even when he was smoking but only my threats were enough to make him stick with quitting. I kept telling him to quit for the sake of Allah because only He could help him, not me.

The reason smoking is haram (as I understand it) is that using drugs is forbidden and smoking is only a delivery method for ingesting nicotine and nicotine is a highly addictive drug. Nicotine doesn't have to be named on a list of forbidden drugs in the Quran for us to know that we can't use it. It alters brain chemistry and is as addictive as heroin.

H says the reason so many people smoke in Muslim countries is the no one even discussed if smoking was haram or halal until the last 10 years. And until today they refuse to acknowledge that addiction to nicotine is the reason people smoke. They believe it's a "habit" or a socially accepted form of relaxation, etc. He says the Sheik of the Azhar declared it haram because it damages the body and wastes money. But he says many people still think it's only "makruh" (intensely disliked).

I wonder if they made nicotine only available via injection (like they did in an experiment in prison) and discovered that people actually LIKED the injections better than smoking to get their fix.. (as they did in that experiment) would Muslims still think of it as a pesky "habit". I doubt it.

Alhamdulillah for my husband's success in quitting.... I'm so glad he's an ex-smoker, instead of my ex...

K

[Nothing1234 2]

I told my husband when we first met that I would not live with a smoker. Somehow he convinced me that he would quit and I bought it... He didn't quit before the wedding..... like he was supposed to... and since I was only there for 3 weeks after our wedding I managed to get through it. All my gf's there told me not to try to make him quit when he was under all the pressure of a new marriage, blah blah blah...

He then promised to stop in Ramadan before I came in Eid Al Adha a year ago. He told me he was only smoking one cigarette with coffee after Ramadan. When I got there in December I realized he meant he was only smoking one at a time.. ALL DAY LONG!!!!! I was FURIOUS. By time I left for home I was 100% certain that I could NOT live with a smoker.

He promised me he would quit this year in Ramadan, knowing he was leaving for the USA after the Eid. I told him if he hadn't quit he shouldn't come. And if he smoked after he got here it was OVER. I should have never given him an inch when I'd made it 100% crystal clear from our FIRST MEETING that he HAD TO QUIT or forget about "US".

Happy to say he did quit. And he's only had one cigarette since he got here when someone offered him one sitting on a bench outside the mall.... I smelled it INSTANTLY when I pulled up in the car to pick him up and TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. It hasn't happened again. Alhamdulillah.

What really puzzled me was the fact that my husband is a very devout Muslim and he truly believed that smoking was haram even when he was smoking but only my threats were enough to make him stick with quitting. I kept telling him to quit for the sake of Allah because only He could help him, not me.

The reason smoking is haram (as I understand it) is that using drugs is forbidden and smoking is only a delivery method for ingesting nicotine and nicotine is a highly addictive drug. Nicotine doesn't have to be named on a list of forbidden drugs in the Quran for us to know that we can't use it. It alters brain chemistry and is as addictive as heroin.

H says the reason so many people smoke in Muslim countries is the no one even discussed if smoking was haram or halal until the last 10 years. And until today they refuse to acknowledge that addiction to nicotine is the reason people smoke. They believe it's a "habit" or a socially accepted form of relaxation, etc. He says the Sheik of the Azhar declared it haram because it damages the body and wastes money. But he says many people still think it's only "makruh" (intensely disliked).

I wonder if they made nicotine only available via injection (like they did in an experiment in prison) and discovered that people actually LIKED the injections better than smoking to get their fix.. (as they did in that experiment) would Muslims still think of it as a pesky "habit". I doubt it.Alhamdulillah for my husband's success in quitting.... I'm so glad he's an ex-smoker, instead of my ex...

K

Very interesting thought...hmm...

[doodlebugg 10]

The reason smoking is haram (as I understand it) is that using drugs is forbidden and smoking is only a delivery method for ingesting nicotine and nicotine is a highly addictive drug. Nicotine doesn't have to be named on a list of forbidden drugs in the Quran for us to know that we can't use it. It alters brain chemistry and is as addictive as heroin.

So I assume you don't ingest any caffeine as well? I have to say I'm a little shocked. I can't even fathom telling my husband that our love is done if he smokes another cigarette. Obviously it's your choice to do that but I just can't wrap my head around that one. My husband is my other half, my life, my love.

[KHPerfectMatch 1]

The reason smoking is haram (as I understand it) is that using drugs is forbidden and smoking is only a delivery method for ingesting nicotine and nicotine is a highly addictive drug. Nicotine doesn't have to be named on a list of forbidden drugs in the Quran for us to know that we can't use it. It alters brain chemistry and is as addictive as heroin.

So I assume you don't ingest any caffeine as well? I have to say I'm a little shocked. I can't even fathom telling my husband that our love is done if he smokes another cigarette. Obviously it's your choice to do that but I just can't wrap my head around that one. My husband is my other half, my life, my love.

He was not my husband when I told him that I would not live with a smoker. I also told him that 4 things would make me leave him IF we married, addiction, (including nicotine) adultery, abuse, or abandonment. I told him from the FIRST time we met that these were my conditions for further discussion of marriage. They were deal breakers. And he promised he would quit. I suppose in hindsight I really should have insisted that he totally quit before we married. (And I thought he had, down to 1 cigarette a day, before I returned for my longest visit before he got the visa... or I might not have gone. He got too comfortable with the "grace period" that my girlfriends insisted I give him.

I'm sure that the traditional style of Egyptian/Islamic marriage is very difficult for most westerners to understand. (Marriage as a contract between two people who seem fairly compatible in areas such as age, education, religion, socio-economic backgrounds, family upbringing, etc., with love to follow later...) Our marriage was somewhat "arranged" and being upfront about lifestyle expectations is important to discuss from the get go. I'm actually a little surprised now that I think about it that my wali even introduced me to H knowing he was a smoker...

I am turned off by the smell and taste of cigarette smokers. Knowing that I would not be physically attracted to him if he continued to smoke made it 100% REQUIRED that I tell him that I couldn't be a good wife to him (in the true Islamic sense) if he turned me off. I owed him that.

K

[sandinista! 1,816]

The reason smoking is haram (as I understand it) is that using drugs is forbidden and smoking is only a delivery method for ingesting nicotine and nicotine is a highly addictive drug. Nicotine doesn't have to be named on a list of forbidden drugs in the Quran for us to know that we can't use it. It alters brain chemistry and is as addictive as heroin.

So I assume you don't ingest any caffeine as well? I have to say I'm a little shocked. I can't even fathom telling my husband that our love is done if he smokes another cigarette. Obviously it's your choice to do that but I just can't wrap my head around that one. My husband is my other half, my life, my love.

the logic she uses to arrive at why smoking could be haram is totally faulty, but are you seriously trying to compare caffeine to nicotine?

[morocco4ever 63]

I can certainly understand that a person has the right to expect certain conditions before marriage, but it would have been best to either wait until after he quit before you got married, or more preferably found someone who already didn't smoke. You have now put yourself into a situation with a man that you don't love, with a habit you find intolerable. This is not going to be easy on either of you at this point. I wish you luck, marriage is not easy as it is without starting it with issues.

[S and S 12]

The reason smoking is haram (as I understand it) is that using drugs is forbidden and smoking is only a delivery method for ingesting nicotine and nicotine is a highly addictive drug. Nicotine doesn't have to be named on a list of forbidden drugs in the Quran for us to know that we can't use it. It alters brain chemistry and is as addictive as heroin.

So I assume you don't ingest any caffeine as well? I have to say I'm a little shocked. I can't even fathom telling my husband that our love is done if he smokes another cigarette. Obviously it's your choice to do that but I just can't wrap my head around that one. My husband is my other half, my life, my love.

the logic she uses to arrive at why smoking could be haram is totally faulty, but are you seriously trying to compare caffeine to nicotine?

I think she means that if nicotine is addictive than so is caffeine making them both haram. Obviously smoking is much worse for your health.

I can certainly understand that a person has the right to expect certain conditions before marriage, but it would have been best to either wait until after he quit before you got married, or more preferably found someone who already didn't smoke. You have now put yourself into a situation with a man that you don't love, with a habit you find intolerable. This is not going to be easy on either of you at this point. I wish you luck, marriage is not easy as it is without starting it with issues.

[doodlebugg 10]

The reason smoking is haram (as I understand it) is that using drugs is forbidden and smoking is only a delivery method for ingesting nicotine and nicotine is a highly addictive drug. Nicotine doesn't have to be named on a list of forbidden drugs in the Quran for us to know that we can't use it. It alters brain chemistry and is as addictive as heroin.

So I assume you don't ingest any caffeine as well? I have to say I'm a little shocked. I can't even fathom telling my husband that our love is done if he smokes another cigarette. Obviously it's your choice to do that but I just can't wrap my head around that one. My husband is my other half, my life, my love.

the logic she uses to arrive at why smoking could be haram is totally faulty, but are you seriously trying to compare caffeine to nicotine?

Well if I were to try to argue that smoking is haram, I would base it on the whole lung cancer issue, not nicotine. Since she based it on nicotine then yes I compare it to caffeine. At one point in my life I wanted to get super healthy and at the time I was both smoking 1/2 pack a day and drinking about 4 cups of coffee per day. It took me, at that time of my life (no stress), about 3 weeks to totally quit smoking and yes it was hard but I learned little tricks like sucking on lollipops, having carrots and celery on hand and more importantly exercising 20 min/day to relieve any work-related stress that happens just in the course of a day.

AFter that was done I quit drinking caffeine and I have to say, having experienced both, at that particular time (not sure how I'd be today with it all) giving up caffeine was a LOT harder.

They're both very addictive but maybe they affect everyone differently depending on what you're predisposed to? I don't know. That's just my personal experience though.

As for not having love in the marriage though, Karamella, you are right I can't fully grasp that though I know it happens. My husband's family is different. They all had someone that the family wanted them to marry BUT they also had the choice if they wished to do things differently. Both his two sisters and he decided they wanted to fall in love first and find their own spouse to be but they are related to and know people with prearranged marriages. I'm not sure why a marriage that does not being with love is considered more Islamic though. Could you provide some proof of that?

[sereia 0]

Kissing a smoker when you're a non-smoker is N A S T Y . Even if you run and brush your teeth its still on your breath, on your clothes, skin, hair, etc. *barf* I never got used to it either.

[KHPerfectMatch 1]

I can certainly understand that a person has the right to expect certain conditions before marriage, but it would have been best to either wait until after he quit before you got married, or more preferably found someone who already didn't smoke. You have now put yourself into a situation with a man that you don't love, with a habit you find intolerable. This is not going to be easy on either of you at this point. I wish you luck, marriage is not easy as it is without starting it with issues.

I agree that I should have waited, but I was already in Egypt before I found out that he hadn't really quit and I got weak and went through with the wedding. As I mentioned before I had a lot of pressue from friends to "give him a break"...

I haven't a clue why you think I am with a man I don't love, who smokes.... I didn't say that AT ALL.

I've been married to him for 18 months and I love him very much. He quit smoking before he came to the USA and tells me that now he doesn't miss it at all and is so glad he quit. He had tried to quit and wanted to quit for years, but not until the ultimatum came and the reality of having the Visa in hand set in, did he have the courage to go through the withdrawl and QUIT. Plus it is so much easier for him not to smoke here than in Egypt where it's EVERYWHERE. In my state is isn't legal most places outside of your car or your own house!

Thanks for the good wishes...

K

[Rosalinda 0]

Growing up my father smoked so i thought no problem... well I had not been around anyone that smoked for a good 10 years and when I went to Jordan my husband smokes like a chimney add to that some friends in the same room and by the end I had a headache. Soon I was in the other room or they would smoke close to the open window. God willing when he gets here we have agreed I would try to help him quit. I don't like that he does mostly for his health than anything else but I agree it is easier to help him quit once he's here than while he is where everyone does it.

But if that is not possible and of course not cold turkey.... where to let him smoke?

[KHPerfectMatch 1]

As for not having love in the marriage though, Karamella, you are right I can't fully grasp that though I know it happens. My husband's family is different. They all had someone that the family wanted them to marry BUT they also had the choice if they wished to do things differently. Both his two sisters and he decided they wanted to fall in love first and find their own spouse to be but they are related to and know people with prearranged marriages. I'm not sure why a marriage that does not being with love is considered more Islamic though. Could you provide some proof of that?

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OK, I knew this would be misunderstood, but I didn't expect it to be so misunderstood in this forum. (Muslimahs, and women involved with MENA men...)

#1) I didn't say that love in marriage isn't good. It's GREAT! And I certainly didn't say that I don't love my husband.

#2) In my 30 years of living in the MENA/Muslim community I can count on one hand the number of people from my generation or older (I'm 50) that I have met who claimed they were "in love" before they got married.

#3) Practicing Muslims do not date at all. Traditionally Muslims have little contact with members of the opposite sex who are not Mahram (people they cannot marry) prior to marriage.

#4) Freedom to reject or accept Any and ALL marriage proposals is a fundamental RIGHT for Muslim women. If a woman doesn't consent to marriage, the marriage is invalid. (It happens to women in MENA countries all the time I'm sure, but that doesn't make it Islamic)

To love someone means you know them well. Conservative Muslims do not know members of the opposite sex "well" outside of marriage, with perhaps the exception being relatives who are close enough to be trusted by the family, but are far enough removed to be marriageable. (First cousins getting married is almost the "norm")

In Islam love is not a required element of marriage. Kindness and Mercy are required between husbands and wives. Love is not.

On one of the groups I belong to we did a poll of our husbands asking them if they married us for love or some other reason... and not surprisingly they all gave the "right answer".... OH YEAH BABY I married YOU for LOVE. We then asked them if their parents had married for "love" and many said Of Course Not! My Mom didn't hardly KNOW my Dad when they married!!!! (The woman IS A SAINT!)

A while later (when they had all forgotten the first questions) We asked them if they would allow their sisters to marry a man she had fallen in love with, that was from a questionable or unknown family, low socio-economic class, or a different madthab (religious school of thought) that was in his opinion incompatible with his ideal for his sister...... Most of them started SHOUTING and asking us if we knew something they didn't about their sisters!!!! hahahahahahahaha They were ready to KICK BUTT and TAKE NAMES if some man had gotten close enough to their sister to have her fall in love with them...

Customarily in Egypt (and many other MENA countries) proper couples meet through family connections and with family permission and approval (even if they have been married before!). Typically after only seeing each other maybe 1-2 times they become "engaged" which they call "signing the Kitab (book)".

In Islam this means they are technically married. It's just not consumated until they have the wedding party... (Which in Egypt can be YEARS!) There are many who believe there is no such thing as "engagement" in Islam. You are single or you are married. You may be married without consummating the marriage but you're still married. Once the Kitab has been signed couples are allowed to spend time together, but NOT ALONE. During this time period couples often do fall in love, some don't and never consummate the marriage, in which case the gifts should be returned to the husband, and when it's over, you're technically "divorced" and find it harder to find someone the next time...(if you're the woman you may be considered "damaged goods" or given the reputation of being "difficult" because your marriage never went through).

I have a friend in Egypt who was "engaged" and her "fiance" (technically her husband) was killed in an auto accident while working in Saudia. She inherited his flat because she was legally his wife once they signed the "kitab".

If you are asking for daleel regarding the permissibility of unmarried "couples" being together enough to fall in love prior to marriage... I think I can find a ton of it... Here's some:

"Falling in love is not a pre-condition for marriage in Islam. However, for the purpose of selecting an appropriate mat, the would-be-spouses are allowed to see and/or talk to each other.

Prophet Muhammad (S) recommended:

"When one of you seeks a woman in marriage, and then if he is able to have a look at whom he wishes to marry, let him do so". (Abu Dawood)

The would-be-spouse are allowed to see each other for matrimonial purposes under the direct supervision of their mahram relatives. This provision is expected to be conceived and executed with piety and modesty.

Prophet Muhammad (S) instructed:

"No man has the right to be in the privacy with a woman who is not lawful for him. Satan is their third party unless there is a mahram". (Ahmad)"

From: Marriage and Family in Islam' by Mohammad Mazhar Hussaini

Check out this link to advice to Muslim Men about how to select a wife:

http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satelli...d=1119503544148

Here is the most famous Hadith about why men marry.. (notice there is NOTHING about love):

Abu Hurayrah, may Allah be pleased with him quotes the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, as saying, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman; (otherwise) you will be a loser." (Reported by Al-Bukhari)

I accepted my husband's proposal because of his Islamic Adab (manners) and consistent practice of the faith. The only flaw in his deen that I observed was his smoking, and considering that he started smoking before it was ever discussed as being haram or halal I knew that it wasn't an indicator that he was a "wild child"...he was simply addicted before he knew it was haram, and hadn't been able to break the addiction. Which as I mentioned before puzzled me because I was sure he would have quit for the Sake of Allah, not for me. And I give all credit to Allah SWT that he was able to quit. Alhamdulillah.

In Egypt and amoung many Muslims from all over, marriages are believed to be best and last longest when the primary reason for the marriage is compatability and good manners, not romantic love. They always talk about the high rates of divorce in Western countries where romantic love is touted as the MOST important criteria for marriage, and say the ways of our parents were and still are better.... Make a good match and Love will come later...

K

[nunyab 0]

wow good information there... thank you!