Love advice, LIVE on VJ!

[MrsCat 6]

I have no advice of my own to give, however this is an email I received from a friend at work on Monday, when we were discussing my visa approval. My friend is an American, living in Canada with his spouse for the past 20 years. He misses home terribly (California), however knows that his wife couldn't live anyplace else so they choose to remain here. He was my sounding-board through this entire process, since he and his wife had been through the difficulties of adjusting to a new way of life, rearing kids, being separated from your family, separation during the immigration process etc.

His wise words - delivered in his own unique way:

I hate to break it to you but............there are going to be things that you never figure out how to handle before they present themselves. That is because you are each individuals. The way those things get worked out is on the fly with mixed results and levels of satisfaction. You each adapt and decide if it is really worth the argument on an issue by issue basis. And yes, this includes child rearin'. Just the way of the world child. When you get frustrated just try to remember, these battles have been going on for as long as woman and man have played house. If you wait to have an ironclad agreement before getting into anything you will never do anything.

You two will survive and be just fine.

Edited September 5, 2008 by cattattude

[SpiritAlight 1]

I have no advice of my own to give, however this is an email I received from a friend at work on Monday, when we were discussing my visa approval. My friend is an American, living in Canada with his spouse for the past 20 years. He misses home terribly (California), however knows that his wife couldn't live anyplace else so they choose to remain here. He was my sounding-board through this entire process, since he and his wife had been through the difficulties of adjusting to a new way of life, rearing kids, being separated from your family, separation during the immigration process etc.

His wise words - delivered in his own unique way:

I hate to break it to you but............there are going to be things that you never figure out how to handle before they present themselves. That is because you are each individuals. The way those things get worked out is on the fly with mixed results and levels of satisfaction. You each adapt and decide if it is really worth the argument on an issue by issue basis. And yes, this includes child rearin'. Just the way of the world child. When you get frustrated just try to remember, these battles have been going on for as long as woman and man have played house. If you wait to have an ironclad agreement before getting into anything you will never do anything.

You two will survive and be just fine.

Truer words were (almost) never spoken.

And this is the thing:

what can and can you not put up with.

And can you bridge the difference.

It is truly challenging to put lots of this stuff onto/into a post on-line.

Really, it would take a long time over some coffee or tea and being fully present (physically and emotionally) to get to the heart/core of such matters.

I do find all of these outpourings wonder-full though, and am loving reading them.

Thank you for writing, all of you!

[SpiritAlight 1]

T.O.2Florida and TheTreble and Emancipation, thank you for writing too.

The mountain climb story/analogy is a good one.

I remember more than once that my sweetie's temperament for conquests such as these is not like mine.

I am all mind over matter when I choose.

I like to reach the top, even when you are taking that first step and know how much "work" it is to get there.

I mean this on every level.

I have been a mountaineer (not extreme, and still...), gotten accolades in gymnastics, dance (all kinds), soccer, karate and sailing (racing too).

And so...I have been goal oriented AND I like to - need to - enjoy the journey.

I am not too hung up these days on the end result or destination, I am more interested in the path there.

The end result can change.

I have no attachment to it.

I am learning to let go...

Hey, it's a process!

Sometimes you head on your way thinking you are going to get to x and you end up stopping at y and you stay there.

Go figure...

x brought you to y and you had never intended y because you didn't know it existed.

Is this too philosophical for VJ??

Oops.

It must be my connection to my Greek ancestors...

Hee, hee.

[SpiritAlight 1]

Oh yeah and I wanted to add, just because I have all the time in the world, hahaha that:

If anyone were to learn all those lessons Ant, that person would be so enlightened that they would not need a anyone.

they would get that we are all truly connected to every one and every thing and so, we would be lacking nothing and be on our own in peace, quiet, stillness.

No drama, no desires, nothing.

I do not need to go that far...just part of the way there would be nice.

Hahaha!

And being sweet and nice is truly not it.

Like I said, it needs to come from a genuine place.

Be authentic even if that means being Miss Cranky...that I am at times.

Celebrate it!!!

:star:

[SpiritAlight 1]

Okay here's more....just because I care.

Question to ponder (from a book I came across):

Why am I frustrated with ____?

Do I feel lonely, sad, and depressed?

Do I feel ____ and I are not connecting with each other any more?

Do we have the same goals?

Do we respect each other's differences?

Do we have control issues?

Am I happy?

and my favourite

IS MY SOUL BEING NOURISHED?

And he ends it by saying:

If a marriage becomes emotionally, physically, mentally, or spiritually deprived, one cannot stay in that situation.

~James Van Praagh

Okay those are for things are really volatile.

And these are things to read now when things are not and be aware of how to keep harmony in your life as an individual and as a partner.

I only know one thing for sure (hee, hee), and it is sure challenging to do when you are not feeling great:

Give more of what you want.

There.

That is all.

Edited September 5, 2008 by SpiritAlight

[thetreble 19]

I hate to break it to you but............there are going to be things that you never figure out how to handle before they present themselves. That is because you are each individuals. The way those things get worked out is on the fly with mixed results and levels of satisfaction. You each adapt and decide if it is really worth the argument on an issue by issue basis. And yes, this includes child rearin'. Just the way of the world child. When you get frustrated just try to remember, these battles have been going on for as long as woman and man have played house. If you wait to have an ironclad agreement before getting into anything you will never do anything.

You two will survive and be just fine.

This is one of the best things I have heard in awhile. Thanks for that.

[brown_eyes 0]

This is some great food for thought this morning.

You guys get really down and dirty with all this talk!!

[Marilyn. 340]

me and the hubby have to have a serious discussion about our finances.. right now his approach is to bury his head in the sand and every time I try and talk to him about it he says he is sorry and he will try and make more money... the thing is our problem isn't how much money we have it is how we spend the money we do have and throwing more money at the problem will not fix that

[rika60607 215]

Spirit,

I say I am you, please be my friend

I am going through similar situation and... you've put it in words much better than I, and I see guidance and wisdom in your posts...

Rika

What do any of you say?

[SpiritAlight 1]

Spirit,

I say I am you, please be my friend

I am going through similar situation and... you've put it in words much better than I, and I see guidance and wisdom in your posts...

Rika

What do any of you say?

My soul sister?!

Please... I am your friend.

This is some great food for thought this morning.

You guys get really down and dirty with all this talk!!

We aim to please!

Tee, hee!

[SpiritAlight 1]

me and the hubby have to have a serious discussion about our finances.. right now his approach is to bury his head in the sand and every time I try and talk to him about it he says he is sorry and he will try and make more money... the thing is our problem isn't how much money we have it is how we spend the money we do have and throwing more money at the problem will not fix that

Effing money.

The root of all...

Ahem.

Actually, there is such a thing as abundance.

Meaning there is this stream and all what we need to do is jump in.

Believe me when I tell you I way have under-charged for what I do.

Be it teaching, or design services.

It is a matter of self-worth AND emotional feelings toward money.

It runs deep.

I do so much stuff for free, for the love of it.

And now and then I don't feel that good about it...like when I am starving.

It's been feast or famine in my world for a long time.

Now how to keep it in the "feast" part...hmmmm...

"They say" that if you affirm something to yourself for 30 days straight, the biochemistry in your brain, transfers to your body and will shift things to manifest your affirmation.

Try it with something like, "I have thick beautiful hair" for example.

A silly start, perhaps.

Think of one.

Language is so important.

See where you say things like:

I must...(so demanding, so harsh on ourselves)

I am...(something negative comes out)

Try using:

I can...

I will...

I have been... (when it is something not so positive)

You all know what I mean.

Let's all get out of poverty consciousness.

(F)

Edited September 5, 2008 by SpiritAlight

[thetreble 19]

But the reality is that we all struggle with money matters. No one ever makes enough, unless you are the higher echelon of society. (and even then their lifestyle may supersede what they make) We can sit back and say, "oh it's not that bad..others have it much worse" but that still doesn't mean we are comfortable living cheque to cheque.

Carla, I too am learning how to save my money. My husband is a GREAT financial guy who doesn't spend except for essentials. I envy him...As I woman I love to shop! But since the prospect of buying a house came into view, I have cut back greatly and often put half of my pay cheque in the bank and live on a weekly allowance.

My husband put me in line and I had no problem with it because all he said was true. Get your hubby in order, even if you have to be stern. Better to be said than not.

[Marilyn. 340]

see for us it has nothing to do with how much or how little money we have... hubby used to make a lot more money then he is making now and we were still living check to check... if we have money in the bank he wants to spend... he doesn't like to save.... and I don't like telling him he can't spend money because he earns it.... but we really need to get serious about this and I hope my hubby realizes it...

I did talk to him about putting him on a "allowance" and he is totally fine with that and we have decided that one of those re-loadable debit cards would be the best option...

Edited September 5, 2008 by *Marilyn*

[thetreble 19]

haha by Carla I meant Marilyn.

While it is true the money he makes is his, I consider some money I make to be mine and some to be joint. (more joint than mine)

Money is the root of all evil, as I learned from many books in grades 4-12. But we can make it less evil if we have talks about it.

[Marilyn. 340]

haha by Carla I meant Marilyn.

While it is true the money he makes is his, I consider some money I make to be mine and some to be joint. (more joint than mine)

Money is the root of all evil, as I learned from many books in grades 4-12. But we can make it less evil if we have talks about it.

actually I think the saying is "For the love of money is the root of all evil."

I hardly spend money on myself and when I do i feel so guilty.... I feel guilty if I spend more on groceries then i was planning to ......this is self inflicted guilt....

whereas my hubby seems to have no problems spending money