When your kids still don't like your new husband

[merijan 0]

MY daughter was the same way. She was angry and hatefull. She was 14 when he came last year. She has since warmed up to him and even likes him now. But one thing I know is that if you let her rule u it can come in between you and your husband. Accept her feelings, and let her be. Love her but dont allow her to tell you anything about your husband. Just stop the conversation, and tell her you are there for her when she needs you but the disrespect she gives your marriage is not part of the conversation.

My daughter threw all kinds of things at me, how we met on the internet and how crazy that was, and that he would leave me , was useing me. all that. But now she has warmed up to him and as a teenager she changes her mind a thousand times. But she knows hes a good man and she knows he loves me.

Your daughters behavior and the way she talks is soooo much like my daughter. And its so hard sometimes but one thing my husband tells me often is dont argue. No point to argue you stand your ground and thats it. Dont let her continue it. She is an adult now and she has to work it out in her own mind. There is nothing wrong with finding someone else to love when the first marriage has ended. Nothing wrong with having a real marriage built on truth, trust and respect. And kids have hard time , yes, but if you love them they should know you would not put someone in thier life that will bring them down but someone that can be good for all of you.

Just look to the future and live your life with no guilt.

[truffles 2]

I can relate to your situation - my relationship with my daughter was fraught with blame, guilt etc.

Bottom line is - you have chosen this man as your husband, as long as you both leave the door open - then they will eventually come round. Leaving the door open requires a lot of biting of the tongue ( I know how hard this is - and I will admit I didnt always manage it.)

Living with an alcoholic means these children understand the art of manipulation as well as the usual playing one parent off against the other where parent s are divorced so you have it particularly hard.

They will find every thing they can to try and spoil things - kids always think things were better when there parents were together ( usually because they only remember the good things - and block out the memory of the bad times). Despite my and my ex's best attempts to make sure my daughter understood this was amicable and we needed her to understand the divorce wasnt her fault she admitted recently that she felt she was to blame ( totally irrational ).

Stay strong together - and talk to each other - find strength in each others firm commitment and love for each other.

It will probably be a bumpy ride.....but it will be worth it .

My daughter and I have a really good relationship now....though she remained in the UK being 21 and quite independant - she is now voicing an interest in coming to live with us.

Wishing all the best - and so sorry your having to go through this.

[Shari 6]

I'm gonna take a different stance on this.

It doesn't seem like you had any regard to what your kids felt towards you being with another man. Especially so soon after your divorce. Your children were not interested in meeting Keith, because it was too soon for them to see their mother with another man. You went ahead and married him anyways. By doing this, you basically told them that their feelings didn't matter.

Respect is a two-way street. Since you didn't respect your children enough to at least let them warm up to Keith before you married him, don't ever expect them to respect your relationship with Keith.

Again, not wanting to get into a long story in my original post, I was married for 23 years, and in that time he had a brief affair with my best friend (stopped it when I found out) the 2nd year into our marriage (even though we dated from the time we were 15 and 16 and married at 20 and 21), started drinking more and more (due to back pain he said) the 10th year of our marriage, basically turned into an alcoholic (having to throw up every mornign and starting drinking then) until our 15th year of marraige, got sober after, had a suicide attempt one year after sobriety (slit both wrists and put in psyciatric unit of hospital for a week - which I hid from the twins but older daughter accidentally found out when her friends' mother actually saw him crash in his car due to blood loss), and an "emotional affair" with his co-worker (I found out about it and he swears they never "did" anything). So . . . even though I separated from ex in 05/04 after 23 years of marriage, I had been out of marriage in my eyes for years, just staying in it for the kids. My oldest knew about the drinking and suicide too so she knew what I had been through with him. And though it was basically 1-1/2 years from the time I separated from my ex to the time I married Keith, and knowing what I had been through with her dad, I guess she still could have thought it was too early, but when I met Keith online and talked 3 times a day for 7 months before we met in person, we both knew we were in love and wanted to be together and of course it was another 7 months before he came over and we got married.

You refer to going ahead and marrying him anyway, well I fell in love with him, he lived in England, and it was not like he could have come over here, lived on his own, and we could date and put off getting married. As you know, you must get married within the USCIS' timeframe - 3 months. So, in that regard there was no other choice or time for the kids to warm up to him. I do appreciate your point of view though.

[ginger1981 0]

I'm speaking as someone who was on the other end of things.

When I was 6 my mom got married to my stepdad. Although I realize this is a good deal younger than your children are, I can relate to how they might feel. My father had basically abandoned my mother and I, and it left a hole that couldn't be filled. It was something I was too young to understand though...and I acted out towards my mom and stepdad. When they started having their own kids and started attending to their needs this only made it more difficult. They didn't understand why I acted the way I did and neither did I, and basically from that time until I got counseling as an adult we had a tenous relationship at best.

Like it was said earlier, she may not totally understand her feelings and is acting out on you since you seem in her eyes to be the easiest target. One thing I wish my mom and I would have done was just to sit down and vent to each other and have the other just listen...though I think for this to be successful this has to be done in a controlled setting...ie a counselor.

I know she is a long ways away, but is the relationship worth going back once in a while to have a counseling session? And if she doesn't want counseling...ask her why it is? Ask her even just to go once to try it and if not just don't go back. She shouldn't be displacing her anger on you, but at the same time you need to understand that she is hurting very badly inside and probably has no idea of how to properly express it.

[Shari 6]

Thank you everyone for your comments. As one poster said, I just need to change the subject if/when it comes up again about "abandoning" my other two kids. I know I let my daughter get away with too much growing up over-compensating for her dad screaming at her when she got into trouble, trying to inflict highly excessive punishment for small things, and I was basically the softy, feeling bad for her that her father was an alcoholic, etc. In doing so, I guess I let her walk over me the older she got too, and though I realize things way too late, I am trying to raise my other daughter differently and it helps when Keith guides me as he is a great dad to his kids. But again, thanks for all the comments.