Boss-to-English Translator

Marilyn. · January 4, 2008

A parody on "must-have" office handbooks, "Cube Monkeys: A Handbook for Surviving the Office Jungle" by The Editors of CareerBuilder.com and Second City Communications (Collins) offers laugh-out-loud advice on how to make it through the workday.
Full of irreverent humor from Second City Communications, the corporate division of the world renowned comedy theatre The Second City, "Cube Monkeys" features top 10 lists, quizzes, step-by-step guides, games and hilarious advice that will help make the longest 40 hours of the week seem a little less unbearable.

Here's an excerpt:

Boss-to-English Translator:

What your boss says and what he really means

Do you ever feel a trip to your boss's office is like a trip to a foreign country? Nice view, but no speaka dee English? In order to ensure that none of the buck passing, put- downing, or one- upping is lost in translation, make sure to bring along this cheat sheet so you know what the big enchilada is really trying to say.

"Great job on the report!"

Translation: "I'm taking credit for your work."

"I have to attend an off-site meeting."

Translation: "I'm having an affair."

"Let me give you some broadstroke ideas and you can fill in the rest."

Translation: "I still haven't learned how to create an Excel document."

"Headquarters has assured me we will not be affected by the merger."

Translation: "You are going to be fired."

"I'm not sure if what you are suggesting is in alignment with our core competencies."

Translation: "What exactly do we do again?"

"This office is a family and my door is always open if you ever need to powwow with Papa Bear."

Translation: "I am a tool."

"I'll be out of the office for a couple hours with senior management, but you can reach me on my mobile."

Translation: "I'm playing golf."

"I'll be off-site and unreachable for the rest of the afternoon."

Translation: "I'm playing golf and I expect to be very, very drunk."

"I think we should order in some lunch for the team."

Translation: "None of you are getting a raise. Enjoy your pizza."

"I don't want to have to micromanage this whole operation!"

Translation: "I'm the boss because I made good business contacts at my Ivy League university; I don't know how to actually do things."

"This came down from up top."

Translation: "I have no real power."

"I can't give you an answer at this moment. Let me survey the situation and see what we can leverage out of it."

Translation: "Oh God, I wish I was still in sales!"

"It's good to see you take such bold initiative!"

Translation: "You are a threat to me. You will be fired the next time we so much as run out of coffee."

"I'll think about it."

Translation: "I'll tell you no in an e-mail, long after I've left the office."

"Did you finish those projections I asked you about on Friday?"

Translation: "I completely forgot to ask you about the projections on Friday, and I'm hoping your memory is even worse than mine."

"This is a very sensitive issue."

Translation: "I may need you to shred some documents."

"Let's push the boundaries on this one. We need something really innovative! Throw out the conventions, I want something edgy!"

Translation: "Present only safe, traditional ideas to me. I wouldn't know what to do with innovation if my life depended on it."

"We're going to be pulling some long hours and I'll be right here with the rest of you."

Translation: "My home life is miserable."

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news."

Translation: "Disappointing you is the only pleasure I have left in my dead-end, crappy job."