tany1157

Maybe he found out it will be easier to remove conditions if he sticks it out with her....I don't think I trust this guy. What he said to you was degrading IMO....do what you need to do....but I would still document anything just in case...

No, Resha, not every man is an "a-hole." My husband, my father, my brothers, my husband's father and brothers, and so many more - none of them are "a-holes." It makes me sad to think about what kind of experiences in your life could have led you to such a conclusion. And it disturbs me that you would want to remain married to a man that you describe in this way.
Anyway - as I said before - no one can decide how you will accept being treated except you. I don't believe that anyone here wishes you any ill or any more pain - I think we all wish you and your daughter a happy and safe life. You said you are in counseling, which is a very good start. But please remember that it takes two to make a marriage work, no matter how hard one person may try. Your husband needs counseling as well. He (and you !) have to do a lot more than just be willing to change - you both have to make the effort to actually change.
Treating each other with respect is the foundation of a successful marriage, and it's a two-way street. If you really think your marriage can be repaired, remember that referring to your husband in terms like "a-hole" is not respectful - even if it wasn't said to his face, or only said in anger and frustration.
I do wish you and your family the best.

Exactly! It is a self esteem issue. But as we know, if you hear everyday that you are worthless, ugly, fat, or a bad wife, people begin to believe that sh!t and one day they feel that they have no self esteem or worth without the fvckface who is putting them down.
I also think there's a lot of shame put on someone in an immigration -based relationship when they have to admit that the marriage failed. It's the fear of hearing "I told you so".

Can we stop nit-picking at sofiyya's sentence?....I see where both sides are coming from, but I think we got it ladies

Can we stop nit-picking at sofiyya's sentence?....I see where both sides are coming from, but I think we got it ladies

Why do men not know that taking out the trash is in their DNA?

MENA forum women are so argumentative!

We have also seen cases here in MENA where the women clearly did NOT tolerate this type of behavior - not even for one day.
It's normal to remember the drama rather than the non-drama, so sometimes the many successful relationships may kind of get disregarded. Maybe I should make a poll ! (although it still wouldn't be anywhere near acceptible social science.)
I am not convinced that the MENA sub-forum (or even VJ at large) is a representative cross-section of American society or the attitudes of American women in general. Americans marrying foreign spouses are actually a very small segment of the U.S. population, and women marrying MENA men are an even smaller group.
But it's always fascinating to read the various subjective characterizations of *fill-in-the-blank-nationality* women (or men) which are made all across VJ (and spark endlessly entertaining discussions !) What one person perceives as common is the exact opposite of what another perceives.
I agree that for even one woman (or man !) to put up with disrespect, mistreatment, abuse, etc. from their spouse is one too many. But I agree with Mithra that the problem is not some kind of "American woman" thing.

I don't think it's necessarily American women who put up with this sort of behavior. I'm sure there are women all over the world that put up with it but we only see the American women doing it because we're American women on this board. I agree with Julianna in that the men would get more family/social pressures to "behave" in their home countries. I know Mid Eastern men here that act a fool (men who have Mid Eastern wives) but because they are here and their families are there, they get away with more longer. Those women put up with it because they're kinda stuck here without many options and usually with a kid or two or three to take care of.
I think it's sad that the OP has devalued herself and is putting up with this behavior. I know it's because she loves her husband and isn't able to step away from the situation enough to get herself out. The husband probably got coaching both here and back home about how American women are push overs and are willing to pay for everything. He got here and low and behold - everyone was right! Life is sweet and he can manipulate his wife into feeling like a bad wife because she isn't catering to him properly. He also knows that he's stuck her with his child so she's going to do her best to hold it together for the good of the family. It's all sad. If the husband leaves that would be the best thing for her. She would be the winner in the end because she has the most precious thing - the child.
This is purely my opinion based on years of seeing this kind of story on this board.

I agree, we have read this a million times, but it makes me wonder what's going on with American women that so many will put up with this sh!t from any man, much less a man they spent tons of time and money to import only to discover he's a epic jerk.
Just sayin' . . .

Oh Resha Under most circumstances I'd say you should try for the baby's sake, but not after what he's implied. That's just my opinion, take it or leave it..

Resha, I wanted to tell you earlier but didn't get the chance. You need to decide if you want to turn him in to ICE with the evidence you have, or let it go so he stays here and you can go after him for child support. I really think you need to give him a dose of "American reality", that he can't just take advantage of an American woman like he has and get away with it scott free. Start building a case against him now- if he's on your lease, get him taken off of it, save those texts, collect some witnesses that he is deserting you. In 6 months, file for divorce on grounds of desertion- and make sure the divorce record states that he left right after getting his greencard- this will mess up his chances of being able to remove conditions on his own. Don't let him near you- I don't think he's smart enough to know about VAWA, but you never know.
Focus on getting your OWN life back and taking care of Fati. She needs special attention now, and no one's better to give it to her than you. You can get through this a stronger woman.

I know everyone is telling you to leave him, but I also know that until you believe that, it won't do much to hear other people talk ###### about him.
So, my loving, supportive advice to you is the following: take care of yourself and your daughter right now. You might not be at the point where you can leave him, and that decision needs to be a decision that you make yourself and an empowering step for you.
Do what it takes to do what is right for the two of you. Take a vacation with her, stay with a friend... treat yourself to a spa night... write down all the things that you deserve as a human being and a bright, strong woman. Write down what you need to be happy and whole, and ask yourself what steps you can and are willing to take to get there or at what point you are willing to leave.
People can tell you left and right to leave him, but it's meaningless unless you get to that point and believe it is the right thing.
What do you need to be in a healthy relationship? Are you in one now? Do you think you deserve to be in a healthy relationship? Do you think your daughter deserves to be in a healthy and functioning family?
What have you already given up of yourself? You say you have already begun to lose yourself-- how much more of you can you afford to lose while still being a mother to your daughter? How much of you are you willing to give up? Are you able to put your foot down and stand up for your own self worth and needs as a partner, mother, wife, and individual?
It's hard to leave someone you love. It sounds like you still love him, and that is understandable. Don't get mad at yourself for caring about him-- that's normal. You invested years of your life to build something together with him. You share a child. You shared yourself, you gave, you sacrificed, and you gave yourself to your relationship. If it was easy to leave him or to stop loving him, it means that you didn't have anything in the first place. It's not something you can just walk away from.
But it sounds like you need to take steps to take care of yourself and your daughter. You are in an unacceptable situation right now, and it is YOUR responsibility to take care of yourself and her. Nobody else can do that for you, nobody else can make that decision for you. And no matter what those steps are, my wish and hope for you is that you, maybe with the help of a counselor or therapist can do the following:
- Accept that you and your daughter are people who deserve respect, who are worthy of love and support, and who are doing the best that you can. Accept that you do not deserve to be treated badly. You deserve better.
- Accept that it is your responsibility to make a plan, whatever that plan may be, to get yourselves out of this painful situation. Take whatever energy you have to follow the plan. If it means trying to make things better, then fine... but know you have to be firm and set ground rules and you cannot allow things to get back to how they are now. If it means a plan to eventually leave, or take a break, or have a trial separation, then you do what you have to do, you set deadlines for things, and you do it. Nobody else can do this step for you or make you do it. It is your responsibility.
- Put all of the energy that you have into yourself and your daughter and taking care of yourselves. Again-- whether it's a spa night, moving in with a friend for awhile, a mini-vacation, a shopping spree, girls' nights in...whatever it takes and whatever you have the resources and time and energy for, you need to take care of yourselves.
- Allow yourself to grieve, to suffer, to cry, and to think that life isn't fair. Don't beat yourself up for being upset. You gave yourself to make something work that isn't working. You gave your love to someone who is unable right now to give it back. You have given a piece of yourself and lost it. You have lost a lover and a friend and it sounds like a relationship. You don't have to accept it and be strong and move on-- the fact that you gave so much means that you have a RIGHT to grieve it. It means that it was and is worth something. It shows that you care. You have a right to cry, a right to be angry, a right to let some things that aren't important in the long run go (as long as you and your daughters' needs are met), and by all means, the right to express things.
And if you can't stand up for yourself right now, then use your daughter and draw strength from her-- from you as a mother protecting and standing up for your child.
I hope that this doesn't come across condescending or harmful. I have been reading this thread for the last few days and my heart aches every time I read it. I say this to you with all of the good wishes and love that an internet stranger can give, and I truly wish you and your daughter peace in your process, wherever it takes you.

There is a book, titled "Immigration Scams" and in chapter 1 it describes this rather common scenario:
Foreigner marries US citizen, gets Green Card, divorces US citizen, then marries ex-boyfriend from home country, he moves to US, gets Green Card. Circle closes.
Because of that, USCIS will have a very close look at your entire immigration history and the new petition. They will use a magnifying glass trying to find a hook they call pull on.

Imagine that your daughter was with such a man and what you would tell her to do, then do it. Women tend to marry men like their fathers, so it's up to you to save her and yourself from the cycle of abuse. To hell with him, he gets what he deserves. Karma is a b!tch, and that's a good thing.

Wow, this is so sad. I don't come here often any more, but I read your post and had to say something.
Any marriage is a challenge, and add a different culture into the factor can make it even that much harder. But there is no excuse for his behavior. To an outsider it appears that he is only using you for conveniences. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I have seen so many women fall into this trap. Then to top it off, you have a child together. That makes your decision much harder indeed.
Getting him out of the house is not exactly easy. He will try the "you brought me here, and now you throw me out with no place to go?" guilt trip. Personally I prefer to "get straight to the point" and tell him you want him gone. But that doesn't work for everyone.
I like the person that suggested that you do nothing for him. In fact, don't even have food in the house. Take you and your daughter some where else to get food. Don't give him money for anything. It would be interesting to see how long he has no where else to go when he isn't getting anything he desires from home.
Never forget, there are much worse things in life than growing up without a father in your life. Keep that in mind as you make your decision. He sounds like a total A$$ wipe!

So does he think it's okay for you to hang at the bar with guys? Obviously this guy is a cheater. What you do now determines how your daughter will view the way men should treat her. Think carefully before you do anything but don't be blind the the evidence right in front of your face.

next time he takes off, go to the hardware store, buy new locks.
Or, just pick up and go home to family. It would probably be less turmoil and hassle as you will not have the issue of him pounding on your parents door trying to get in the house at 3am and will have the support you need to get through a difficult time.

How old is your husband ? Disappearing to “play” for 6-12 hours a day while you’re left all alone to take care of your daughter and your home all by yourself is very childish and irresponsible.
It seems you are the sole breadwinner for the family as well as the sole cook, maid, and laundress - while he plays. No wonder you feel upset !
From your timeline, your husband has been in the U.S. for almost 14 months, but only got his EAD last month and has not found a job yet. So has he been carrying on in this way since he arrived ?
I am guessing that your child is around 2 to 3 years old. This is definitely old enough to notice that Mommy and Daddy spend a lot of time fighting, or that Daddy isn’t around much, or that Mommy is sad all the time. It’s not a good example or environment for your child.
Please ask yourself honestly what attracted you to this man in the first place. Was it because he exhibited the qualities of a man who would be a responsible husband and father ? Make a list for yourself with the reasons why you feel that you love him, and then the reasons why your marriage is not happy.
No one can change his attitude and behavior except him. However, you can change your life by taking control of it. You don’t have to be anyone’s doormat. But you are the only one who can decide how you will accept being treated, and how you will accept your child being treated.

Unstable countries may or may not be a sign of end of times. Just that history repeats over and over, the end has been called upon for thousands of years. No one will know for sure. But all times is a good time to have god/allah in your life and to live life the right way.

Selfish, and stinks for the people who were using the information usefully.

makes me not want to put any time and effort into those kinds of threads again.

All that lively and useful discussion, right down the drain.
Boo!

Wow really?
Could you have just had your posts removed so that other people who were interested could have benefitted from it?

It was a joke.
Minorities don't get more or less benefits than any other race. This country is predominantly white majority and the majority of those on welfare are white single mothers.
Welfare was created for white people. Blacks and ethnic minorities were denied the right to welfare until the end of the civil rights movement.
The fact is 27% of blacks live below the poverty line as opposed to only about 9% of whites.
If you qualify then you qualify regardless of what race you are and even if you don;t there are many agencies that will help you.
I wasnt trying to make you laugh. I thought it was ironic that you made that statement when you are engaged to a minority.