Tunji&Toyin

Congratulations! May God bless you and your SO's journey!

Please don't take my partnership out of context. What I mean is that their relationship is beyond just a simple relationship, of boyfriend and girlfriend, or even fiance and fiancee. I just put myself in his shoes, and felt that if she was out consistently with her girls, it would bother me, depending on what exactly she was doing. If it was church or spiritually related, for work, or even cultural means, I truly understand that. I am not a brute. But if she is consistently out, because she needs time with the girls, that would raise a red flag to me. Its kinda like a guy who is out consistently with the guys, and comes home drunk and falls over at the door or goes straight to bed. I'm not comparing her situation to that, but I'm giving an example so I have you understand where I am coming from.

Not to be critical, but I think any African man would find it being a problem, when his wife is out late, hanging with the girls. I grew up here in the US, and for some reason it doesn't compute to me at all. Does that mean you shouldn't go out? Nah, but take a little consideration for the man, its a marriage and not partnership. Concessions are made, things are given up. Hanging with the girls, doesn't happen much in African countries, let alone in African communities here in the US. Just my perspective... no disrespect.

I love this thread.....keep 'em coming !

I think the MENA group had something like this thread.

It may be a good idea for those who are close in the area to exchange phone numbers

for a good support.

Any one in the ST. Louis metro area ?

Can't think of any other issues right now but I am sure there will be many when he finally gets here.

I love the idea of a DC area group for intercultural relationships. If any one is interested please PM or email me. I'd love to hook up for coffee or something. Thanks for all of the advice. It makes me feel better knowing that I need to learn about the culture.

MONEY: Re: money we're working things out. I think he has some misconceptions about how much money I make and about the concept of me being broke. And I think it might be a good idea for him to pay the bills for a while so that he can understand the pain and heartache we all go through paying bills every month. He doesn't make enough to pay all of the bills so any advice would be welcomed. I probably do come down hard on him about things. I'm a bit of a perfectionist (hence the reason why I forbid him from wearing the leather jacket and also from wearing white socks with black shoes).

SOCIALIZING. I noticed while I was in Ethiopia that men socialize with other men. I kept asking him, "where are the women? Are they at home?" We go out to the movies and restaurants togehter. We'll also go to Starbucks and relax there, too.

The issue with socializing, which is a cultural issue for us, is that he DOES NOT like for me to go out at night with my friends. He's muslim and says that in his culture a woman is considered a "garden tool" if she's out past midnight. Now, we don't argue about this. He trusts me but it still makes him mad if I stay out late -- even if I'm just chilling at a friends' house. Also, if I go out and have one drink, as soon as I walk in the door he's like the alcohol police. He'll say, "Your drrrrunk." (you know rolling the r's) And, of course, i defend myself and prove that I'm sober. Its very funny. I'll have two drinks and he'll swear that I'm totally drunk. I tell him, "Dude, you've never seen me drunk. It takes more than two glasses of wine"

The question about culture is how do you identify a conflict as culture instead of personality??? How have people had the patience to sit back and say, "What just happened?" before it becomes an arguement??

I hope we can keep this discussion going.

This thread is definitely interesting. We are talking about two kinds of adjustments. Consider this if you will. A Nigerian coming to reside, forget all the many vacations he/she may have taken in the past, in the states has to adjust to life in U.S and this adjustment occurs even though the spouse is also Nigerian.

Now juxtapose that entire process to cross-cultural adjustments that seem to be rife amongst the posted messages here and you can see why feet solidly immersed in a higher being (leave u to decide which is yours)--- God in my case---will be needed to see you through the period of adjustment.

There are so many facets you can view this. Some people by their innate traits/personality are open to learning new things and are very humble. Others, perhaps as a result of their background at home maybe less amenable to such education..........and that, precisely, is what it is in the final analysis.

If you are a USC and your SO is from Africa and is visiting US for the very first time, i say this to you: patience as a virtue will be tested time and time again. I would hope that if you are not a very patient person naturally, you remember that your SO is experiencing two different kinds of adjustments and thus you are really going to dig deep reminding yourself that "this too shall pass".....and yes indeed the phase will pass. How fast your SO adjusts to life in US depends on a myriad of factors....age/maturity, Level of education/achievements back home, financial status back home, and the list can really be endless..

As an example, consider this scenario: A Nigerian male, who worked as a manager in one of the 3rd generation banks in Nigeria makes his way out to U.S courtesy of his US fiancee. In Nigeria, he had some 3 househelps and that`s not counting a couple of relatives (extended family). He had a chaffeur-driven company car. When he wakes up in the morning, breakfast is often served, the car has been washed and clothes have been ironed (laundry-style.....starched shirts and all...). He does not do "grocery shopping" because one of the househelps may have gotten all the supplies needed from the market...indeed a cook is not a far-fetched idea. He works hard..sometimes 9-10 hours but sometimes he gets off early in the evening but before he drives home, he hangs out with his boys on one of the street joints....beer flows, some smokes, but a genuine camraderie exists amongst all unwinding out there and for the most part there are regulars who have established long-standing friendships. As the beer flows, so do the discussions heat up...politics, women, sports (emmm soccer, if you please!!!! ).

Now take this fellow to US marrying a USC (i.e non-Nigerian). Well do you see the double adjustment i am talking about? First the adjustment to living in U.S ( driving, laundry, cooking, groceries, trash in the a.m, etc etc....) then the cross-cultural adjustment. Trust me, if you are the USC, patience is definitely a virtue you are going to be needing in ridiculous amounts. Oh by the way, by USC i am also including those Africans who really never resided in Africa and don`t quite get it. Oh sure some concepts are understood perhaps because the parents opened the windows to those but for the most part, it is not quite the same as living in Africa.

The recourse? Most important help you need at this time is God (or your higher being) and then a friend. I am talking about a friend that is African (preferably one that schooled, lived and worked there and understands....) and who can break down stuff for you before you misinterpret them. It would be nice if that friend were of same sex as you to avoid what may easily be misconstrued as "cheating"......hey the African fella may also be "possessive"....

Anyway, love conquers all. So remember that while you are ruminating the situation and know this: once the adjustment phase is over, your African prince will show you what being African and black truly means...depicting for you traits that would remind you of the initial attaraction: beauty, brainy and sometimes brawny; Loyal and loving; Ambitious and Achieving; Cultured, Civility and Conscientious; Kindness. At the end of it all you would have simply spelt the traits of your B.L.A.C.K prince.

So hang in there and ride out the roller coaster..........It will eventually be worth it, i can assure you...

Much respect... I am very patient, but I definately am going to have to be "more" patient, as my wife will have a lot of adjusting to do. I keep telling her, that her life is going to change, she doesn't really get it, but she will soon enough.

Just as the Maasi tribe has had many changes over the years, I believe Africa as a whole has

changed and will continue to do so. I, like Toyin didn't get to see alot of the country but

did experience some of the same things. (Poverty, Corruption, Bribes )

Most of the people that I communicated with while there were very warm and friendly.

Being that my son is Nigerian I tend to read up on his culture alot, don't want to be caught

out there when my son gets older and can't tell him anything about his people.....hehehe

Sometimes when you know what a tribe has gone thru, or what they once believed, you

can relate to the people they have presently become.

Obama once said by going to his fathers land and meeting his family there he now under-

stands himself better. ( Not a verbatim qoute)

I'm thinking that this authur wrote this article ( could be a school thesis ) based on

her/his knowledge, experience, or personel research but I found it very informative

Although it may provide some insight to earlier years in Nigeria I enjoyed reading it

and hope that others can read it and possible appreciate it for what it is.

Thats exactly what I was reading it for, I'm sorry you took flack for posting the article. I have shared it with a few other friends, who didn't grow up in Nigeria, but would be interested in understanding somethings about our cultural past. For anybody thinking that there isn't some truth to it, I feel sorry for them because they are naive. Thanks for sharing.

Obama/Biden

Economy, War on Iraq (Ties into Economy... Spend that money where we need it most, over here)..., Environment / Energy (Again ties into the Economy)

US born Citizen.

I love this country, but it would be a sad day if McCain wins the election.

Please add me. Case completed 9/08/08. I hope to get an interview date in October, but they said October is full, and that I should call next week to see if they scheduled me into November. *sigh*... I guess we will spend our 1 year anniversary apart.

Who are ya?

Tunji

Where did you come from?

CA, US

Where is your SO from?

Lagos, Nigeria

How did you meet?

Through my family.

Where are you in the process?

My case just completed, waiting for the interview date.

I love the site, very imformative.

Sorry, maybe I am just blind, but I don't see anything offensive by this article. Of course, I was born and raised in US. I have a hard time not believing much of the article, and of course, to each person, and from each different tribe it might apply differently.

When I visited Nigeria and got married last year, I didn't get the full taste of the country, because my time was so limited as to what I could do. I did notice proverty, I did notice police corruption, and I did notice many other things that would take me forever to label. I just have to say that we must look at things with open eyes, and not always dismiss anything and everything that contradicts your beliefs on a particular subject. For had I kept my mind closed, I wouldn't be married to my beautiful wife today.

Alhamdulillah I got approved for my visa today from the embassy in Kuala Lumpur. Tomorrow I can pick up my passport from VFS!!!

A whole lot of thanks to all those who put up information/experiences in this forum. These valuable information is what has helped me to get to where I am right now. No amount of gratitude can fully express how I feel right now.

Here's how it went today:

I went to the embassy at 8.30am today and at 9am they called me to the counter. I submitted my medical checkup minus my x-ray, a passport photo, and some documents (original birth cert, husband's employment letter, all old and current passports).

I was told to come back at 1.30 pm for the interview.

I came at 1 and waited while they were at lunch. At 1.30 I got called to the counter. The lady was very nice. I had to raise my right hand for the oath thingy. Then she proceeded to go through all the documents with me, giving me back the orginals and had me read and sign the DS-230 Part II. After that while we went through the last couple of forms she asked me a couple of questions -

- where did you guys meet

- were there a lot of malaysians at the college

- what major were you and your husband

- in 1 minute, please tell me about your husband

- where does he work, what does he do, when did he start, how much does he earn

- did you meet his family

- how did your parents react to you wanting to marry an american

- explain why you have a lot of US visa in your passports

and then she asked to look at 10 photos and we were done. she said congratulations you qualify for this and proceeded to explain on how to obtain my passport and visa the next day.

She asked if i had any questions. these were my questions -

- do i get to work right away (y)

- when do i apply for the green card (fill in and submit to dept of homeland security right away after poe)

- when to apply to remov conditions (3 months before 2 yr anniversary)

- do i get to keep my SSN or will i be assigned a new one (keep old one)

- can i apply for drivers license right away (depending on state law)

and that was it. It was less than half an hour. By 2pm i was already waiting outside the embassy to get a cab home.

Yipppeeee..............Now I can't wait to be with my husband after Eid (Oct)

Anyone due for interview - just be prepared with documents and photos and be yourself. Answer the questions honestly and smile!!

Thank you for sharing your experience. I am patiently waiting and have high hopes that my wife will be here by October 2008. *crossing my fingers*