MAO36

Congrats Lori & FortheloveofHenry!!

Sending my best wishes for a safe delivery and a healthy bouncing baby boy or girl!!!!

Baby's are a true blessing!!

Reeses 16,

Very valuable feedback. You are absolutely right! Thanks so much for sharing! I'm sure it has helped many with understanding the process of backgound checks and what NOT to rely on. We really do have to be proactive and do our own homework! Ask many questions!

Oh can't forget my Gurl! 4 the Love of Henry!!! Thank you so much for highlighting some valid points. Whew.... I could see some of my flaws in your post! Thank you for bringing them to light. I'll respond to your PM as well! Thanks for sharing!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts ZEE! They are very much appreciated. Again, all comments, thoughts, input, redflags etc etc are welcome. Congrats on your pregancy! You deserve the best!!!! I'm so happy things have gone well for you Sis!!!!

@Hurtin the USA,

I'm glad you could stand up to him as well. Why should we hide the truth. The embassy is supposed to check all these things out but unfortunately in a lot of these foreign places they do not keep good records of marriages, divorces etc. Most of them have a hard time just proving their identity. My friends husband never even had a copy of his birth certificate and went to his interview without it. They asked him "how do we know you're the person you say you are"? lol. He finally went somewhere in his village and got one drawn up. It was a huge risk we took and no matter which way it goes, it could only make us wiser and stronger. I've grown and matured so much behind this ordeal. I only hope those considering these steps will heed the warning!!!

Thanks for posting!!

Hellooooooo My Sisters because I truly believe we are united in this journey.

I'm sending out a HUUUUUGE thanks to everyone who is sharing their thoughts, redflags, concerns advice you name it. United we stand ladies!! Honestly speaking, I can actually sit back now and see some of the red flags mentioned without even realizing that they were right there in my face. Yes, at the end of the day the choice is yours whether you will take the chance and hope and pray you beat the odds. I pray that you do. My husband has beeen trying harder to be nice lately, don't know if it's guilt or what but i certainly told him I am going on visajourney to put all of these issues that seem to be kept quiet on "blast". I think he's ashamed but let's see if he'll be ashamed enough to change for the better. Yes, some of us are to blame. I'll speak for myself. What a fool in love to think I could marry a complete stranger and think it would be some fairytell romance. What a fool to think someone who barely knew me could honestly love me the way a real couple loves one another. Yes, I was naive, yes I was blinded and yes I wanted this so called knight in shining armour to be the man of my dreams. When I'm crying about it to God I make sure I stress the point that some of this is self-inflicted pain. I should have known better than this. My husband was very poor and owned 1 suit and 2 pairs of jeans. A lot of times he went hungry due to the lack of work in his country. This isn;t ncessarily a red flag but now that he's here in the land of opportunity, do you think it's easy for him to remain that humble man he was in africa. NOOOO, he has gone buck wild since he arrived. He has a job (good), car (good) a steady paycheck (very good), but he lost that unconditional love he expressed over the phon & computer when I was holding the ticket out for him. Was it love? or was it an opportunity to get out of poverty? The last list of redflags were "spot on" Sis ! And I don't think you're jealous of american women! That's absurd!

THANKS LADIES, YOUR POSTS HAVE EVEN HELPED ME!! ALL INPUT IS WELCOME. I dont get offended easily

@Hurtin in the US...

I just had to post again to you after reading your post again. Your husband and mine maybe twins! With the exception of the condom and the mysterious women, i think you hit the "Bullseye"! You have DEFINITELY provided an abundance of "food for thought" and I thank you for it. If we can help one person, then we've completed our mission.

You're in my thoughts and prayers Sis.

Thanks for the feedback. I am very sorry for anyone who is going through this horror show or is approaching this stage. You have added plenty more red flags and indeed they are red flags. I really think the condom wrapper is HUGE and I think you know what you need to do. Consider it a favor from him that you are no longer intimate, since there is no cure for some STD's!!!!!. If you are intimate, PLEASE always use a condom. This mess is very real and VERY scary. I can relate to alot of the things you described as well. Please protect your health, your finances and your heart. My prayers are with us and to those who may fall victim!

These things would NOT exist in a genuine relationship. Let your prayers be heard by GOD and then listen to the answers, as they may come a stranger. Sorry for the pain and thanks for sharing. It's so sad when most of us were simply looking for a decent man to love, instead we got "HELL ON WHEELS".

To LoveNigarmostyle,

Thanks again. We have had some counseling from our Elders but only time will tell. I'll be sure to keep my status updated.

Let me know if I can be of any assistance at any point and time.

See ya!

Hello To All!

Thanks for the responses and the encouraging words!! I didn't want to make any rash decisions until I find out what's really going on. After all, this is more serious than just a date at this point. My children are attached, we have financial obligations which we share and there is a little potential there to make this work. He's not a monster but he certainly isn't forthcoming all the time. If you all met him you would probably would not believe he is this person. Everything will happen in due time. Like I said earlier, if he wants this to work, then he knows what he has to do. If he doesn't, then it's all gravy. He got here in 08, so I think it's only fair to say I gave him enough time before I moved on. My religious beliefs are bible based which i follow, where adultery is the grounds for divorce, however I will separate without a doubt if it doesn't get better though.

Some of my friends have been in worse predicaments. I understand there is a huge culture difference concerning not wanting to be seen out in public and I'm ok with that part. In my friends case, it utlimately led to him leaving and moving on. We do have some fun every now and then but marriage is about loyalty, faithfulness and honesty. If he can't live up to those qualities then I will part ways.

What I'm most happy about is I'm not bitter towards him. Sometimes i sit back and just shake my head and chuckle wondering "what in the world was i thinking"! lol.... Marrying someone i hardly knew from another country! smh!!!! I'm a happy go luck person and try to find that silver lining in every cloud.

Thanks Nigeriaorbust for some additional feedback! I hope the red flags will help others!

That is the million dollar question!!! His answer is "NO". He shows may signs of cheating though. Cell phone always out of my reach, Sometimes he hangs out late on fridays but will not answer his cell. Sometimes he's MIA without a reasonable explanation. When I confront him it's always, "Come on.. I'm with my african friends, eating and drinking and having a good time". Then tell me where you are, 'Oh at a place in Charlotte' he says, blah blah blah. Then he wants to go worship God together, cook me food and clean the house to reconcile. I've told him to please go stay permanently at the place you're constantly hanging out at. My heart is telling me he has cheated. If not, why all the secrecy?

Hello VJ Family,

I thought maybe I would share some of the red flags, looking back from the time we met and during the immigration process. I truly did not have a whole lot but there were a few that are noteworthy. I also have a couple of friends who went thru the process who shared some red flags they encountered. Again, we are still together and if it's God's will, he will make the necessary changes to have a happy, successful, trustworthy marriage. If he doesn't "OH WELL, SEE YA". Just let me add also, I do not hide anything from my husband. I told him straight up I am trying to forewarn my VJ Sisters who want to listen or who are concerned that they may be being used. I told him he is free to leave at anytime he sees fit and I won't hold it against him. If it means having a peace of mind, rather than being in this unusual, loveless, deceitful marriage, I'd rather be alone & at peace. He really won't leave.... it's very strange but I honestly think it's out of shame to his family. They are very close knit with a stong religious background. My issue is LIARS, I hate liars. The man is a big liar! my mother said if you lie, you will cheat and I believe that. No woman has come forward yet, but i would not be shocked if one did. He's sitting on the couch while I'm typing this. I don't care. I just turned 40 and it's time to "DO ME". Well some of the red flags were

Red flags

1) Saying I love you a couple of days after connecting on the internet. ** Impossible to love someone you know nothing about at that point***

2) Younger man, older woman who's overweight, often with kids . ***This is not the typical family arrangement in the african culture****.

3) Doubts about some of things he tells you. *** Do your homework and verify the things you discuss******

Those my 3 red flags, other than that he had me sold. I have some friends who are going through much worse and some of the men have left. There red flags were

3) On the internet late at night at the internet cafe when their not talking to you. ** Usually means they are chatting with other women***.

4) My good friend said when she got to Ghana (her husband was Ghanian), he did not want to be seen with her in public. He was not romantic and there was a huge disconnection, but he still wanted to marry her. *** What man do you know would marry a woman he is not in love with unless theirs an ulterior motive?****

5) Someone who is inconsiderate of your financial obligations by always requesting money to be wired.

6) Not genuinely interested in your life, your background and your feelings.

7) Has a few shady friends (one of my red flags). ****The kind that you know are up to no good****

I'll let you know if i think of anymore. This is only for those who are interested.

I just responded to you on your other post. Please, before you do anything, do some soul searching about your entire situation. The age difference, your financial status, the feelings of doubt. They just might be the red flags to look into to. Bringing someone here from another country is very expensive as well. I make a very good salary and could barely afford all of the expenses I incurred. Loving someone should not be that difficult and certainly should not be the woman's primary responsibility of making it happen. Please weigh out all of your options!

Hello My Sister!

I am going to try to be as sensitive and diplomatic as possible. I would be REALLY careful with this relationship in light of the huge age difference. Typically most african men that I've encountered are very adamant about having a woman younger or at least close to their age who is still in her child-bearing years. I do not know you or your man but my instincts are telling me that he may be using you for the greencard. You can cuss me out and so can everybody else but i really took the time out to respond to you because I care. I am 5 yrs older than my african husband and believe me it ws a big deal to him concerning how his friends and family would perceive an older woman. Let me give you some history about my husband and me. We married in 2007, he arrived in 2008. For the most part it has been nothing like he described it would be while he was waiting to get over here. In my case, we are united by our religious beliefs at this point. I actually would LOVE for him to leave but he keeps saying in the african culture it's not proper to leave the marriage. All those wonderful words, promises and expressions of love he spoke while in africa, have been very minimal at best since he arrived in 08. If I had to do this all again, I would have stayed single or met somone already here in the states. Please understand I'm not bitter, Im not african bashing and all that other jazz, I'm just trying to ask you to think long and hard about marrying someone who is 16 years younger than you, from another country, and with SO much to gain from marrying a US citizen. Please dont be a victim!!!! Again, I'm still married and he and i are still together but i wish someone would have forewarned me of how a person who's desperate would sell his own soul to get out of poverty.

**Stuck in this unusual marriage***

Boaz & Perserverance my heart is heavy for you. The road has not been easy for most of us but the act of abandonment is the ULTIMATE form of hurt and despair. Divorce, separation whatever you want to call it can be likened to death, the loss of a loved one. One thing for sure is "Time heals all". I know that seems bleek right now but it does. Hang in there and trust in the Almighty to give you the "power beyond what is normal" so that you may continue to take care of yourselves and the baby involved. Sorry once again, somehow we are all connected in this road we chose to go down, even though most of us have never met.

Hugs!!

Hello Idocare,

Can I just say I really appreciate your honesty and your loyalty to the VJ family. You continue to share your story out of concern for others who could be potentially going down this same path. You have taken heat in the past from posters but you continue posting your story without let up. I have always welcomed your thoughts, your warnings and your insight on matters. My marriage is by far anything out of a story book romance but what's holding our marriage together is our religious/scriptual belief on God's view of the marriage arrangement. Whew!!(wiping my forehead), we have had our ups and downs, arguments, sleeping on the couch, wishing this had never happened moments. Their culture is so different from ours. Things that are small in my eyes are great in his and vice versa. Nigerians tend to be very private about their affairs but as an american woman I feel it's my right to know everything that's going on in my husband's life. He had to get used to thinking like a married man, instead of a single person. He had to practically be taught or molded on how to romance your woman. In his country putting food on the table was the top priority and the women accepted this as their way of loving them. While providing for your family is important, I had to tell him numerous times, women want to be held, cuddled, catered to, kissed tenderly, you name it. He has come a long way from the time he got here in 08 but there is still much work to be done. I won't settle for anything less than this, I can't and i won't. I will try to be more patient and understanding that his previous life in nigeria is nothing like my world here in america, but there is great potential. My husband is sweet and can be very loving, but he is still working on the stubborness(the man is as stubborn as a mule), his mood swings and lack of romance. All I have to say is, it is hard work ladies but if he is sincere, you will both get through it. If i hadn't put God first and his laws on marriage, the old me would have given up just on mere frustration & culture incompatibilities. I used to always tell him to "leave me, leave, go away, live your life" but he always replies, "I am here to stay forever and I'm not going anywhere" awwwwwww.... see, they can be sweet when it matters the most.

Idocare, Vengence does belong to God and rest assured, evil never prevails. Be patient, his time will come. Again, thanks for always sharing your story and being forthcoming about it. I hope my story sheds some light for those who are newlyweds or waiting for their Hubby's to arrive. It aint all a bed of roses but there will be good times in between the drama if he really cares about your marriage.

Stay strong ladies!

WOW!!!!!!!!!! This is GREAT news! You and I spoke a long time ago via email and at that time things appeared very grim. I'm sooo happy you'll be reunited with your Hubby once and for all. Send me a personal PM since we're Sisters in the truth.

Agape,

Michele

Best wishes & Congratulations!

Hello Everybody!

I usually never get involved with controversial subjects but I do have a short comment.

My own personal experience with the Lagos Embassy was really positive. I also have 3 friends who sailed right through as well. I have the utmost respect for anyone who is brave enough to come on VJ and share their story whether happy or heart-breaking it can still be used to help, warn or encourage others.

For the ones who have had a hard time with the embassy, I do feel your pain as well.

It's kind of difficult using your own experience to warn others becasue sometimes the intent isn't taken correctly. The way I see it is keep the warnings coming if your situation didn't work out, if It did then keep the encouragement and well wishes coming.

Most of us in the end will make our own decisions anyway. I had those who were true skeptics about me going over to Nigeria twice and marrying someone I only had physical contact with twice a year. Ofcourse we're all grown and we will and have decided for ourselves to take this journey. There have been times when I want to provide my advice on what I see within a particular situation but because I know there are certain boundaries one cannot cross I keep quiet.

My husband is here, so far so good but it has taken alot of love, patience and praying together to stengthen the marriage.

I do pray for happiness for all of us since we truly deserve it. I always try to find a lesson in all of the personal stories. If it's God's will, things will work out!

Hello to All

Green card FINALLY received today!!!

Cino,

please update the list with my info.

Thanks for all our hard work!!!

Hello,

All the other posters pretty much advised you of what you can and need to do. I just wanted to say that my HEART goes out to you and soon enough it will all be behind you. You deserve the BEST and never forget that.

Prayers are with you!

Hello To All,

I always read the various threads and very seldom will I respond in writing but this is one I can relate to completely.

My husband is from Nigeria. He came here on the K3 visa (big mistake, we should have taken the CR1 route). Anyway, just like it was mentioned earlier, when you are finally united as a married couple who has been apart for close to a year, nothing can feel more right. The love is something out of your favorite love story book (for the girls ofcourse), for the man at this point you are not even thinking about how much you miss your homies. You are both consumed in making up for lost time and enjoying the euphoria.

At some point as was mentioned, the euphoria simmers down, reality sets in. Hubby has to find a job, get his license, familiarize himself with the American english dialect so that he can communicate more effectively. He has to get to know his wife and the step children he inherited. (Let's face it), you really don't know one another as well as you would have if you both lived in the same country. We began to quareel about any and everything. I began to get very frustrating while waiting for the EAD, the SS card, him almost killing me with his driving skills(lol) etc, etc and without realizing it became very controlling. As my husband would tell you, instead of feeling like a man and a Husband, he felt like my child. I also did not realize, not only did he feel like a child but like a lost child with no relatives to run to for support. I couldn't see it, instead I began to complain "Where is the romance you showed me in your country", I want flowers, I want cards, I want you to tell me you love me more. I did not even realize what he was going through in his own life. He finally admitted he feels like a fish out of water sometimes.

I changed my approach. I have become less demanding, less controlling, stopped mentioning the Do you know all I have done to get you here" speech and put myself in his shoes. I began helping him with his resume, suggesting certain careers including furthering his education. I have started listening more and biting my tongue when I have a different opinion on small minor issues(men love to feel like their right) which is ok when it doesn't hurt anyone or anything. So far so good Guys, no it's not my Cinderella romance but it is one that has great potentional! He has even agreed to being more affectionate(why just this morning I woke up to him rubbing my back) WOW!-what a treat!! which he says is easier when I'm not hollering and belittling him. He said a man cannot express his love when the woman is constantly complaning and focusing on the negatives.

I hope this makes sense. LOL

Last year I thought the same thing when told my case was assigned an A number. I dont mean to burst your bubble but I found out all the cases are assigned an A number once the case is data entered into the system. It's part of the processing steps.

Keep the faith though! Things will begin to move quickly.

Thank you so much!!!!