JC&BB

I don't need anyone else commenting on this post... We have come to an understanding with his assuming I was married because I had a child..... Yes I live near Las Vegas but it doesn't mean anything I've been to Ethiopian they have ####### houses, and everything else don't be fouled into thinking they're going to be so shocked when they come here... Yes things will be different but he will not fall into the lifestyle that you all are assuming he will.... You how so many are assuming something that isn't the case... Again I thank all who commented but again I have figured out and helped him understand me... it isn't able not knowing each other or not being in a serious relationship it was a misunderstanding that happens daily! Not that we aren't serious about each other.

OP is taking a man from a small, rural town in Ethiopia where they believe you can only have children if married and moving him to "Sin City", and some posters on here don't think that's gonna be a culture shock?!?!?! 24 hour gambling, drinking, prostitution, stripclubs, nudity, sex.... Yeah, I'd say not knowing how babies are made is gonna be the least of their problems.

I don't understand those people on the K-1 and CR-1 who don't seem to talk to each other. I mean come on, when you're in a serious relationship, how can you not know whether your spouse has been married before or not???

OP, I guess send him a book or google printout about babies and marriage in the western world...

I told him I was NEVER married I didn't know he still assumed I was since I had a child, but please keep you comment to yourself! Just because he'll be living here doesn't mean he will be out doing anything!!! I've never went out gambling in my life!! living here doesn't mean ANYTHING!!! Just because he didn't understand me doesn't mean we don't have a serious relationship!! Every relationship has misunderstanding so for you to say what you said you're wrong!

I think only Maria&Seve got it.

Basically what I understand is: in his culture, if a woman gets pregnant outside of wedlock, they force her to marry. So no children are born out of wedlock due the shame it brings to her family. Thus, children grow up believing, incorrectly, that ONLY married women can have children and unmarried women can't even get pregnant or have children.

When her fiance found out she had a child, he automatically assumed she'd been married before, because in his culture, she would have been forced to marry. However, it sounds like she's gotten him to understand that she was never married, even though she has a child.

Thank you so much!!! Yes because of how things are there he assumed it was the same here... So many people took it the wrong way and said we would have issues and that he wasn't sure about me.

I think only Maria&Seve got it.

Basically what I understand is: in his culture, if a woman gets pregnant outside of wedlock, they force her to marry. So no children are born out of wedlock due the shame it brings to her family. Thus, children grow up believing, incorrectly, that ONLY married women can have children and unmarried women can't even get pregnant or have children.

When her fiance found out she had a child, he automatically assumed she'd been married before, because in his culture, she would have been forced to marry. However, it sounds like she's gotten him to understand that she was never married, even though she has a child.

Thank you so much!!! Yes because of how things are there he assumed it was the same here... So many people took it the wrong way and said we would have issues and that he wasn't sure about me.

tell him the truth, that you had pre-martial sex. Again, am I missing something?

I did, but to make sure he understands this I asked on here. I will go with the advise of saying if asked if I was married he says yes out of thinking I was forced into marriage due to having a child.... he would be lying,

Well, I think that came from the OP consistly saying she couldn't get him to unnderstand. 3 posters including myself told her to simply state "I was never married". She replied that she did that but that he still wasn't understanding. Now 3 pages later he gets it. So yea, we call got the impression there was some big cultural issue, as the OP even stated. Read back through all the posts and responses together at once (i just did). When you say your foreign fiance cannot understand the concept of childbirth out of wedlock even after you say you explained (but then you didn't) it is extremely misleading.

Look, it doesn't matter to me. I read alot of posts, but this one was pretty strange. It went from not understanding...to culture...to sin....to a phone and being sleepy. OP got resolve, fiance understands. Everyone is happy.......case closed.

let me make myself clear since you think I am lying or whatever you my think...... I made the statement about culture and sin because some of you were not understanding why he didn't understand how I could have had a child and not be forced into marriage since that's why they do there..... Since so many of you thought he had an issue wasn't seeing it from his point of view and the culture of Ethiopians... But your options doesn't really matter, just because he doesn't understand the how, doesn't mean we'll have issues in our marriage nor that he's assumed of me...... Some of you went overboard with the reason why he wouldn't understand how it's possible to have a child and not be married.... Again I THANK ALL who commented, as I stared I believe he understands me know... So no need to continue on with what you think.

It has been awhile since I got all the documentation together, but don't you submit some paperwork online the line during the visa to marriage process that has to prove any previous marital status?

I was never married but to make sure they're marrying for good reasons they might say so was she married! and if they do I need to make sure that he says no since I wasn't. Because I have a child they'll ask him that to see if he understands that I wasn't

Well, I think people are..There are several suggestions in this thread of people suggesting because the guy is thinking she was married, it implies he will have many issues in the US and they will have problems in their marriage. That's horrible inference and it's surprising anyone will make such absurd inferences.

There are a LOT of people in the US with more deep rooted beliefs than this guy and they do absolutely fine here..no need judging people because they have different beliefs and cultures. That's what makes the world a beautiful place. It will be boring otherwise if we all looked same, believed in the same thing and acted the same way.. Many people on this thread need to just relax and not take everything too seriously.

I agree with you 100% people are trying to imply that we'll have issues because he's thinking out of cultural beliefs.... So thakn you for seeing it for what it is and not saying he has issues or will cause issues. Someone even said he's ashamed of me having a child and doesn't want to believe it... WHAT!!!! seriously girls and boys in his country have sex everyday when the girl finds out she's pregnant they get married to avoid being talked about, but it doesn't always happen that way.

I have cleared up the whole topic with him.... I just pray that he understands me... Since I never told him I wasn't married he assumed I was since I had a child.. Not realizing that you can have a child without being married..... Women in his country get married if they become pregnant to prevent bringing shame onto the family...... So since I never made it clear that I wasn't married he assumed I was...... I thank everyone for shared their thoughts on the situation... I assure you all he isn't going to have issues with my daughter, nor has an issue with me not being married..... Thanks everyone

Okay the way I interpreted one of your posts was basically: men don't believe unmarried women can get pregnant so basically they can have sex with them because only married women can get pregnant. And then later on you said it's a sin to have sex before being married. Basically it sounds like he needs to get the proper "birds and the bees" lesson, have you tried that?

you're the only person who's gotten what I am saying.... I think what I told him he will get it...... I told him that I had a boyfriend and happened to get pregnant she was born out of wedlock, and that him and I never went and got married... I told him that having a child doesn't make you married to that person.

Okay the way I interpreted one of your posts was basically: men don't believe unmarried women can get pregnant so basically they can have sex with them because only married women can get pregnant. And then later on you said it's a sin to have sex before being married. Basically it sounds like he needs to get the proper "birds and the bees" lesson, have you tried that?

you're the only person who's gotten what I am saying.... I think what I told him he will get it...... I told him that I had a boyfriend and happened to get pregnant she was born out of wedlock, and that him and I never went and got married... I told him that having a child doesn't make you married to that person.

"I wasn't married and my child was born out of wedlock" and if he doesn't understand that, he has a problem.

I believe he gets it now.

Ok but then how come when you clarified that no you haven't ever been married, he didn't seem to understand? Based on your posts, you have now made clear that you weren't married. But that he still seems to think or want to say that you were.

I'm getting confused here. People are thinking something bigger/deeper is happening here bc otherwise it should have been a simple "oh no, sorry, I wasn't married to the father of my child" and that's the end of it.

We are in different time zones so when I explained to him how I had a child without being married. but he was sleep when I sent the message to him... he's since messaged me but didn't say anything about what I sent him.... Now I am not saying he doesn't understand but there's been some issues with his phone that makes it harder to explain things.... But it isn't because he is ashamed of me or my child, nor will he not want to sleep in the same bed as me.

In many cultures sin is only sin with tangible proof, a living breathing child is proof if out of wedlock child birth is taboo

because of the beliefs he thought it was like that here... since I never said I wasn't married he assumed I was since I had a child.. bit some of the things people are saying isn't true at all.

So it is an issue of virtue and shame not that he can't comprehend.

no, it's because I never said I wasn't married and when I did I don't think he understood me. but nevertheless I could careless what his culture says about having children out of wedlock... They're having sex before marriage so they can't point a finger at anyone... SIN is SIN and passing judgment is SIN... He would isn't with sin can judge.....

I'm sorry to say but this sounds like a hot mess waiting to happen. He will have a hard time in the US adjusting to culture which may create problems in your marriage.

Good luck us all I gotta say. Everyone else advice is accurate.

anyone coming here will have s shock because life isn't the same here and anywhere else in the world.... I believe a lot are taking what I'm saying out of context.

As you know, in some places having a baby without being married is a taboo. He probably already told everyone (such as his family) that he is about to marry a woman who has a child from a prior marriage, because he would be ashamed to tell them otherwise. He might even be ashamed to admit in front of the embassy interviewer that he is marrying someone with who has a child, and who was never married before. He could be in denial because this is such a taboo in his "culture".

As someone else suggested, you have much bigger issues than having to worry about the interview. Men like him (and their families) do not, under normal circumstances, agree to marry a woman who has had premarital sex or children without being married. It would be a big scandal for them and their families if they did. Which is why I would have to question why he wants to marry you.

He isn't a virgin! So he can't say anything. It was all based off of a misunderstanding that I wasn't clear on. Please don't think he's doing anything wrong... Women there have children out of wedlock, it's just bring shame to the family. But again I am in a different country so he didn't understand that it's different.....

Hey, Do you have an extra bed room for him in your house? I am sure he will refuse to sleep in your bed room until you guys get married

ummmm, while I was there we slept in the same bed so he couldn't possible refuse once he comes here

True but surely he doesn't think the stork delivers a baby.

I know, well I will just going to keep enforcing that I was never married, and never had a husband... Just had a child with a boyfriend who I was with for 5 years.

why can't you just flat out tell him that you have never been married? Am I missing something?

I did, and he went on to say how can I if I had my daughter..

I think there are some more conversations about American culture that needs to be had. You don't want him to experience culture shock when he gets here.

I hope it works out for you.

I think you're right we need to have more conversations about how things can be done over here.

it is not about being smart but educated. Who knows, he may even believe in black magic, voodoo and these other made up non sense things .

he changes the subject because when I get upset I can be rude in how I say things..... He's no virgin so he can't pass judgment, but since I never clarified I was never married I think that's why he thinks this..... it has nothing to do with me having a child out of wedlock.

You have more issues than just "doesn't really believe in having children without being married" and to pass the visa interview.

So is he really ok with you having a child outside marriage?

Have you even discuss with him being a step-parent to your daughter?

he is okay with all of that, he just thought since I had her we were married... I mean I told him I wasn't married, but their was a misunderstanding and I believe he thought I was divorced because I told him why we weren't together anymore... He doesn't mind being a father figure to her, he doesn't want the title of being her step dad because he's going to treat her just as his own child.

I would tell him this is an American embassy and if you say that they will think something else that is wrong and deny you. " I was never married."

If you have repeatedly tried to explain that American culture can be very different on that topic, maybe you can enlist some of your mutual friends to help. Possibly some of your mutual friends and church members could help explain it in a way he could better understand.

I have done that, and we all have just told him that if asked if I was married just say NO! if asked why I divorced just say. I was NEVER married.... but he hasn't said anything to us yet, I waiting to hear from him now. I pray it works because as of now he will be denied the visa

Jennifer.

I dont know the story behind this and neither the Ethiopian culture, the fact that he believes you can only have children being married sounds like he may have many many issues in the US.

well the Ethiopian culture doesn't believe in sex before marriage (if they are having sex they aren't getting pregnant)... the little rural area he lives in is big on not having sex until you're married... I've explained this to him as best as I could and all he said was how did she come about if I wasn't married

There is no fast rule or answer to your question. Continuing talking about the subject is probably your only answer. Sometimes facts can turn a "non believer" to your point. Maybe a document or such would do. Your right, you need him on the same page as you during the interview.

Someone else on here had the same issue where her fiancé was denied due to him saying yes she was married since she had a child from a previous relationship. I did say to him that culturally he thinks that but that doesn't mean marriage just because you have a child... he hasn't said anything back to me, just asked how I was doing.

So my fiancé is from a country that doesn't really believe in having children without being married...... Since I have a child (never married) he still thinks that since I had her that meant I was married.... He keeps saying that YES I was married, and had a husband... I've tried to explain things to him, but I don't think he's understanding me still. how can I explain to him that having a child does not constitute a marriage? I don't want him going to his interview and answering this question wrong... Because of him thinking this he will be denied the visa because of him thinking how things are there and not the truth of what's going on... I love this man with all my heart, and I don't want to lose him over a misunderstanding.