AvaAdore

You don't "dump" someone to whom you gave your heart to that easily. I know it's easier for harsh people, who have no emotions.

It has been embarrassing for me to reveal all this, and I would have been unable to do so in person, due to my shy personality. I respect all the compassionate and empathetic people on here so much.

Dearest Ava,

You seem so lovely and I understand how love can be blinding. But please do not go to the US, even to assess the situation. I would advise you to stay away from this guy even if he were in your own country. He does not treat you well in any manner! Someone who really loved you would never portray the behaviors this man does. Please don't invest any more of your time, money, and especially not your heart in this selfish man. It will only end badly.

I wish you the best & please keep us updated on your decision. <3

Thanks, now I tested him more, just so I could make a decision. If you read the above, you'll see that no woman would condone what he has said to me.

It had been embarrassing for me to reveal all this, and I would have been able to do so in person, due to my shy personality. I respect all the compassionate and empathetic people on here so much.

You deserve better. It may hurt as hell right now but let yourself move on and if he really loves you (realizing how difficult your situation is right now) he'll be knocking on your door and will do everything to make everything ok. Do not settle for less. Remember you deserve better. Choose to be better. Best of luck Ava.

Thanks for caring, I wish several blessings your way. But to be honest, the fact he said "this makes me want to smack you" cannot be love. It's sickness. And I have myself to blame for staying with him so long and ignoring the red flags. But I loved. Now I don't know how to deal with this..it ails me so much and I am withering in pain as I just arrived at work.

I want to thank every one here who has helped me. Which is 99.9% of the people who have responded. You are all wonderful, and I wish you all the very best

Heartbroken, but at least I won't be a punching bag to someone who claimed I was his "twinflame". I'm so angry, so sad, so lost...never before have I hurt so much.

What I would do is ask him to provide proof of gainful employment. Have him scan and email you his W-2 Form he filled out for HR as well as a work verification letter from his employer. If he cannot provide those, do not believe he has a job. My guess is he is saying he has a job to get you to go to the USA on your K-1. Do not let him guilt you into "taking his word for it." He'll most likely twist words and say, "relationships are based on trust, don't you trust me?" The answer is, "No, you cannot trust him." He has already gone back on his word and has flirted with other women, betraying your trust.

Secondly, I would not go to the USA. Have him refile the K-1. If he does love you, he would do anything to have you there with him, refiling the K-1 not withstanding. By the time the second K-1 is filed, he will have at least 1 year gainful employment, which he needs anyway to prove he can support you. (He needs a tax return). If he gives up, you know he was not interested in you as a wife. It may hurt, but your heart will heal and you will be a better, wiser, and stronger woman for it.

If you truly want what I have, that is a loving marriage based on communication, love, and trust, you need to first begin with a man who will make you his world. Love just doesn't die. To keep the one you love you have to keep doing the things you did to win their heart. I never stop telling my wife I love her, even when I am mad. I never stop sending my wife little poems in the email, because she likes my poetry. I never stop texting or calling her, even if I am working, because my wife is more important than my job. It is obvious you want to make yoru fiance your world, but it's painfully apparent that he is not making you his world. Cut him loose and find a man who will appreciate you.

If he for some miracle can provide you what you ask, I would still delay the K-1 Visa and have him refile. He needs time to mature, and you need more time to think things over.

Thanks every so much again. I asked to see proof of his employment which was met with a "I don't have to show you anything, if you don't trust me, fine". To which I reminded him of when he flirted with other girls, and lied to me. And all I heard back was "you could have left me then. You saying all this makes me want to smack you". I expressed my horror at that statement which was answered with this "saying this doesn't mean I'll do it". (of course...then why saying it?!)

This made me drive to work in tears. That's it. I'm heartbroken and angry at myself to have wasted a year and a half. Like you said Mike, he was someone I made my world, and that's what I got in return. I know I'll need a lot of time to heal properly, but if I don't, he wins.

Does anyone else wonder if another 8 pages will do anything to alter the course of events.

The above should be read out loud at bed time for these young people.

Could this sad tale be a troll? Or the terrible nightmare described by Boiler in triplicate . Ones seen a lot ; the other not so much.

Being a bully won't bring you much.

The more I read, the more I fear for your safety, Ava. As a professional, I cannot truly assess your fiance without a meeting to analyze him. However, from what I read from your recent comments, he sounds like a borderline sociopath. I would strongly suggest you do not meet this man. You are not a professional in psychology, you are a woman in love and your emotions can easily interfere with your better judgement, therefore you cannot assess him without bias.

You feel committed because you gave so much of your energy into the K-1 process. I am certain many couples on this site will tell you that many do not want to give up on their partners because so much time, tears and dedication was put into the process. You feel a bond with your fiance because you put so much into the relationship and the K-1 process. He does not reciprocate the same as you because he put virtually nothing into the equation. So it is natural for you to feel a strong sense of love and commitment. He knows this about you and uses it against you invoking feelings of both guilt and obligation so you stay with him. This is not a healthy relationship.

Relationships are based on communication, first and foremost. He refuses to communicate with you, worse still, refuses to initiate communication. He does this to manipulate you, whereby you communicate your thoughts and feelings, making yourself vulnerable, but he does not, keeping himself safe. This is where trust comes in...

Relationships need trust to flourish. His refusal to make himself vulnerable is a sure indication that he does not trust you or himself. You said yourself he lied, did not follow thorugh with his commitments, and even flirted with other women. Clearly he cannot be trusted to be a man of his word or faithful to you. He can apologize all he wants, but that is only to make you feel guilty. Even worse he sometimes places the reasons for his deceit on you. What a horrible thing to do!

Relationships involve sacrifice on both sides. Remember my shopping example? I hate shopping but I go with my wife because I simply enjoy being with her. I am sacrificing my enjoyment to make her happy, while enjoying the moment with her. Just to see her smile is enough to make a tedious task for me worth while. If you were to marry him, you would be sacrificing all you know to be in the USA. You would be sacrificing your comforts, your family, your friends, and your great job. He has not even appreciated what you would be giving up by at least finding a job and a place you could both live in private. He is selfish and cares not for your needs or ambitions, which brings me to my next point on relationships...

Relationships are based on love and support. You want to be able to work and drive and have all the rights and privileges afforded to a legal permanent resident of the USA. Sadly, you cannot do that without his having a decent job to make that possible. Instead, he has vehemently noted you should live as an illegal alien, he does not love you, and made it pretty clear his mother will always have a final say in your relationship. Personally, I am 44 years old and while I sometimes take my mother's advice on things, as mothers are seldom wrong, I would not let her dictate the course of mine and my wife's relationship. I am the man of my own house and I will always support and defend my wife's honor, even if my mother has something to say about her. I will always support her want to work, and I'm really trying to get her over her fear of driving so that she may experience freedom to do things without me like going out with her friends, staying late at work if she wants overtime, or even just to take a drive to relax.

Now about the intercourse matter. As I said before, DO NOT have intercourse with him. In fact, do not do anything that is intimate save for a friendly hug or kiss on the cheek as you would a friend or relative. Part of his personality he so wholeheartedly admitted is one of dominance and power. He feels he has "conquered" you mentally, so there is only one last frontier for him to conquer on you and that is your body. Do not give him that, not let him guilt you into giving him that. If he loves you he will wait until marriage. That said, do not be alone with him if you value your virtue. On a personal note, my wife never had intercourse before she met me, she prided her virginity and I understood how important it was for her to keep herself until marriage. Even when she came over on her K-1, I respected her wishes, even though we had wedding plans months later. If he loves you, he will respect your wishes. He waited this long, he can wait till marriage. If he presses the issue, leave him, as he is only interested in "conquering" you. If he gets mad or passive aggressive, leave him. This will only get worse if you are married. Sex wont make your relationship better, even if he says it will. He may say he will cheat on you if you do not give him sex, if that is the case, leave him, as he will cheat on you regardless.

Now for some advice:

In light of your new comments about him, I truly believe your fiance is a sick and dangerous individual. He shows no emotional attachment to you. He sees you as an object to conquer. He has no concern for your dreams or ambitions. He wants to control you and dominate you and manipulate you into being with him. He takes your love and commitment for granted and will continue to do so by making false promises to change. He already admitted he does not love you and he conquered you. If you go to see him, you will only reinforce his dominant will over you, and things will get worse from there, as he already displays violent tendencies towards others. He even commented about hitting you, not a good sign.

That said, I would advise postponing your trip to see him for your safety's sake. My advice is do not try to extend the K-1, let it expire and have him refile. If you want to see his true colors, see if he will do all the paperwork and fees this time. If he feels you are worth his time, love and commitment, he will have no problems doing it, as he should be bending over backwards to be with you.

However, if you do not heed my advice, please do the following:

1. Get a hotel, but do not let him know where you are staying. This is for your safety.

2. Only meet him in public places like a mall or restaurant. Do not drive with him anywhere, take a cab. (see #3).

3. If you are to go to his house, rent a car or take a cab. This way you aren't trapped there if he refuses to drive you back to town or the airport.

4. DO NOT have intercourse with him. Of course, do not be alone with him, for obvious reasons.

5. Keep your round trip ticket open-ended so you can leave at any time. It may be a bit more expensive but worth it.

6. Give your family his name and address. If you are to meet him, phone family and friends before the meeting and call them when you are back at your hotel. Let them know where you are, or where you will be each meeting. Take pictures with him and send them to your family and friends.

7. Do not spend money on him. Let him pay for your "dates."

8. Do not let him manipulate you.

9. But most of all, do not let your love for him "spark," you need to be alert and rational. Treat him as an acquaintance, and not a fiance. Why? Because he hasn't proven to you that he is fiance worthy, he is less than an acquaintance at best, right now. Do not believe him if he says he loves you. Do not believe his "nice" charade. Do not believe his sweet and tender words until he has proven the following:

A. He has a job, or has been applying for a job every day.

B. He is securing an apartment or house other than his mother's for you both to live.

C. He can make sacrifices such as: 1. waiting to have intercourse with you, 2. giving up video games for a while, 3. spending his mommy's allowance money on you and your needs instead of his.

D. He initiates communication with you before you initiate it with him.

E. He tells his mother that id he gets a job, he wont be giving her rent as his money it will be going toward his future with you.

F. He tells his mother that you are his world, that you come first, and if she does not like it, she doesn't have to be a part of his life.

You need to understand that your life is important. This man is not worth your time or energy, and there are thousands of men out there who are good men, and would do there darnest to be with you. Once again, stay in France and stay safe. God be with you.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart. Your steps to follow are now my survival guide when considering visiting to see first hand.

The relationship you have with your wife sounds amazing, and I will remember that you cared for her so much that you waited. If he doesn't wait, I will leave.

Everything you've said resonates with me...the obvious abuse, the lack of communication, and the manipulation.

Today there is a news that makes it even more daunting to choose what to do, because it corrects the employment issue: he emailed me earlier to tell me he's just gotten a job offer that he accepted on the spot. This derives from the only interview he has had, which was 3 weeks ago (I strongly encouraged him to apply then and I suppose he got lucky and must have done well to have an offer from only one interview). Assuming this is correct, how should I approach a possible visit with my K1 now?

Many blessings your way. You're a star.

Listen up. Long distance relationships can be difficult, and at times, stressful. My wife and I were apart for 2 years before she came here. We had our fights, but we always, always, always worked it out together to find resolution. I never told my wife "I don't want to talk about it." That is the worst thing one can say as it stops communication. In my opinion, the long distance is not making him aloof and neglecting. He is taking your love for granted because he believes he "has you where he wants you."

We did our K-1 via a visa service, but we both still had our share of work to submit to the visa service. We worked together, stayed up late discussing our evidence and details. To tell you the truth, by working together, we became more close and committed to the idea of being together. What has he done to help your K-1 process? Nothing. As you say, you did all the paperwork. It is you who were committed to the idea of being together, not him. If he wanted you here as a loving wife, he would have gotten off his butt and helped with the paperwork. It's not like he had a job to go to, like I did, where doing the paperwork after a hard day's work could be immensely taxing. If he cared about your approval, he should have been the one working on the paperwork.

Oh and by the way, you can surely state that my wife is lucky, but in my opinion, I am the lucky one, I am the luckiest man alive to have such a wonderful woman like my wife. She is my world, my everything and I would follow her to the end of time. No task is too daunting, no conversation is too dull, and any time with her is time worth spending. For example, I hate shopping. I downright despise it. But my wife loves shopping. My wife cannot drive, she has this fear of driving. So guess who has to drive her and accompany her shopping? You guessed it! Now I may be a bit cranky when we shop and she will say things like, "You hate me, don't you for taking you shopping?" And I'll say, "I don't hate you, I just hate shopping. But I also love being with you, so it's not so bad."

Now If you go to the USA I can almost guarantee you the following scenario:

1. You arrive in the USA and decide to stay the 90 days.

2. You drive "home" to his mom's house where you live with his other brother and sisters.

3. He will be all nice and lovable, just as he was when you first met. But don't be fooled, this is an act.

4. After 90 Days, you may decide to marry him. (Big Mistake)

5. After you marry he will not file your AoS because you guessed it, he can't afford it because he still wont have a job.

6. You may think about taking "cash" jobs to help pay for the AoS, and when you have enough money, your AoS still wont happen because he is too busy saving the fantasy world of Aezeroth on his computer to fill out and sign the paperwork.

7. You will then be out of status, illegal, and jobless. You may have been foolish enough to actually have kids, and this is right where he wants you. Why?

8. Because now he can threaten to get you deported if you leave. And if you leave, you cannot come back because you will be out of status, and possibly banned from the USA. You also wont be able to take your children with you even if you decide to leave because he would have to sign permission for you to take them (the children would be US Citizens). As a non-Citizen, you have no say in their travel, and taking them to another state can be considered kidnapping.

9. He'll have you there as his own personal housewife and servant. Occasionally he'll do something nice when he feels you cant take it any more and want to leave, at which point you may "go back to him," hoping he will change, but he won't, trust me.

There are many scenarios not too different form this right here on VJ. As a psychologist, I can tell you, from what you told me so far, that his behavior is classic manipulative, and you should proceed with caution. If you do go to the USA, and want to see his true colors, I advise you to:

1. Use your $4000.00 to find a cheap apartment/rental/motel in his neighborhood and stay there. If you are in the "lion's den (his mom's home)," you will feel obligated to listen to him and his family. They may even coax you into marrying him. You need your own place any way to shower and have privacy.

2. DO NOT under any circumstances have sex with him. Tell him that if he loves you and are worth waiting for, he will wait until you are married. If he presses the issue, use your round trip ticket and go home.

3. Make it clear to him that after 90 days if he does not have a full time job, and an apartment/house of your own, it's over and you are on the next plane to France.

4. Tell him to give up video games for 90 days. If he can't make a small sacrifice for you now, he wont make big sacrifices later, like when he has kids. To ensure he gives up video games, tell him that his game console and PC must stay with you in your hotel room.

I give him 20 days before he shows his true colors.

I might also add, that as a real man, I am bound to behave like a man. A real man adores and respects his woman and would do anything for her. A real man cares enough to provide for his wife and children. A real man supports his wife's goals and ambitions. A real man thinks about the future of his family. A real man communicates his thoughts and desires so that nothing is misunderstood. Finally, a real man makes time for his wife and children, nothing is more important, not a job, not his parents or siblings, not even a video game. Think about it, do you want a real man or a little boy? You are a strong, independent woman with ambition. You need a strong, independent man who will support your goals as well as have his own goals to accomplish. Think about it.

Hello and I can't describe how much you've helped me! Thank you so very much.

The relationship you have with your wife is the one I desperately one...companionship, reciprocity, communication and honesty. You both are incredibly lucky and you give me hope.

I think you may be able to evaluate this, due to your profession. My friend suspects that my fiance might have a personality disorder (Cluster B type), or that he might be depressed, possibly bi-polar. Or she suggests he may simply be a sociopath. The latter came from his "technique" to make me fall for him, and then manipulating me. Also his lack of empathy, and sometimes instances when he showed no conscience. As well as his frequent angry outburst, and I realised he read a lot about serial killers, which still puzzles me. How could I know where he is, without an assessment?

Moreover, I will do just what you said. It is for me the best way to get closure (if need be) and see his true colours.

I just have an issue, regarding intercourse. When I first met him I told him I wanted to wait, but he manipulated me by telling me that if I loved him, I should want this. What if he says that again? or gets passive aggressive as a result?

As the mutual sediment is here....you should probably not go.

However, I can fully understand wanting to see for yourself and perhaps get full closure or a miracle. PLEASE purchase a round trip ticket. No they will not think its strange, as you just said it is cheaper. K1 visa's give you 90 days to see if you do want to stay in the USA and get married. No where does it say you have to get married....especially after arriving and seeing that this relationship is not in your best interest and bring nothing to the table for you. Matter of fact that is a great question! You offer so much to him....What does he bring to the table?? What does he offer in this relationship??

Hello . Thanks for confirming me that it won't be suspicious to have a roundtrip ticket and thanks for the support.

I don't know why he can't see that I invest myself 100% and that he should do the same. nothing I said make him be grateful.

You've had so much great advice already. You have got a lot of emotions rolling up and they make us focus on our dreams instead of reality.

Take a break, take a step back and think - if this was the "perfect" man for me what would he be doing now?

Don't go stopping and compromising in your life to realize it was one big mistake to then have to repair your life whilst he sits in a sofa all day and acts like a 12 year old.

Someone who says "marriage is for kids" I don't agree with and could say harsh words here. We are all different but at the end of the day our principles is what keeps our love for each other strong and makes the one whom you are with your soulmate. If you don't agree on the principles of love between yourselves then do you really think this will be your last relationship challenge with him? I'm not sure this is a sign of you building a happy life.

If my fiancee was from a different country I would learn her language even if she was the one coming to an English speaking country, firstly out of respect and secondly it's part of her - where she's grown up. I would want my fiancee to keep that part of her as it makes her her and if it helps by me learning the language then I don't care how hard it would be to learn!

Clearly you have beautiful dream in your mind but you need to check the dream with reality, if you really really really want to give him a chance then don't go to him, make him come to you! Ask him to show his seriousness! And don't pay! Even being unemployed, money is no object, if me I would find the money from where ever to show my seriousness if I was in the same position (I wouldn't actually get in this position). If he doesn't then wake up from your dream and find a man whom really will respect and support your dream.

Sorry that you have this dilemma, wish you all the best and stay strong and focused!

Hello . Yes when he said " marriage is only to have children otherwise there's no point" , it's actually insulting to people who can't have children, or just refuse not to. No, marriage should be about loving someone more everyday from understanding them better, and building a life together, and with children if both are able to offer them a good life.

He couldn't pay you see, and yet and finds the money to go to shows and buy things often. It does not add up.

I will stay strong and focused, I owe it to you all, for caring and being here for me when the one I deemed the man of my life isn't even paying attention.

I've been reading this post and it's wonderful to see the outpouring of support for your situation. It sounds like, from this post, that you've decided to maybe book the ticket and give it a shot?

As a person who was emotionally manipulated in the past, I know exactly how you feel. He was so great in the beginning, right? It was easy to trust him and you fell hard and fast. He changed and you're confused as to who the "real" him is. Is he the sweet, loving, attentive guy you met at the beginning? Or is he a lazy, manipulative abuser who makes everything your fault when you know deep down it's not. I've been there. I didn't listen to the advice of my friends or even a forum I posted on about it. I didn't think anyone could offer me any advice because they didn't know the "real" him. I don't know if you will listen. If you're like I was, you won't. You'll go, it'll be an amazing 2 weeks because he's got you now, directly in his control. He can sweep you off your feet again and make you feel like this was the right decision. But then, after you've married, maybe after you're pregnant, he'll show his true colors once again. You'll be heartbroken with no job, no security, and no foreseeable way out.

I've seen it so many times and I was a victim myself. Please listen to the awesome advice here and don't go. He's controlling you from afar and he can do it better in person. I didn't think I could ever move on, but I met an amazing man who loves and respects me. Now I'm happily married to the right person. Someone who doesn't need to "change" or "be fixed." Trust me, this guy is not your project and shouldn't be. It's not possible to change someone. They have to want to change on their own.

Best of luck with whatever you decide. Remember that if you do decide to go, you'll make yourself extremely vulnerable to being caught up in the romance of seeing each other again. You can only think rationally by staying in France. Congrats on your promotion. Remember that if he really loved you and wanted to be with you, he'd move heaven and earth to do so. He should have no problem moving to France. Ce n'est pas difficile d'apprendre la langue!

Sending my thoughts and prayers your way in this tough time.

Good evening This resonates with me very well. When you mention abuse, I never wanted to look at it that way before. But earlier today I remembered that he once got so angry about people he saw in town, and he said he wanted to punch them all. And my gut instinct lead me to ask him "would you ever punch him?" and what he then said was "Why? sounds like you want me to punch you". And at that time, I physically felt my spine go very cold and had an horror look on my face. Then I highlighted that and he said I just did not understand him.

That does leave us confused. Who is he? Was it all pretend, a facade? I asked him this directly and he said it was the stress of the paperwork. Another time he said "once you conquer a woman, there's no chase anymore so she has lesser value. To take someone for granted after a while is human nature.". Which again had me sick to my stomach, as essentially he was saying that since he "had" me, and got me to love him, his interest level dropped. And at the same time I caught him flirting with other girls. Which was then met with profuse apologies from him, and the "I'll never do this again".

Et ce n'est pas difficile, si on veut. Il faut vouloir

Ava, you sound like such a wonderful person. You deserve to be with someone who makes an effort to take care of you. Someone who is to stressed out to search for a job, or is stressed out just by a bit of paperwork will not make a good husband, unfortunately.

Sometimes we need to think about more than just love. It's not realistic to build a life with someone who will not look for a job, who wants you to fritter away your savings, who doesn't care if you are there legally or illegally. When you move to the US, you will be away from all of your friends and family, and nobody will speak your language. It may be hard for you to find a job, too. This process is difficult to begin with, it will be even harder with someone who cannot handle stress, and pressures you into things you are not ready for, like having children. It sounds like he is making all the decisions, and you are not even thinking about what is right for you. It's your life.

Everything you have told us about this man suggests that he is not ready to be a husband. He doesn't sound like he can handle the stress of marriage and parenthood very well. Please take care of yourself. At the very least, if I were in your position, I would wait a year or two for him to mature a little bit and look for a job. Good luck

Hello, I can't help but agreeing with you, on a gut-instinct level. Do you think there is anything I could tell him to make him realise all this for good?

Thanks so much for your kind words

Hi Ava, there are 8 pages of answers in this thread - and this is an true indication of how caring everyone is here to help you, as we are all independent and going through our own issues as we wook though this awful process.

Just from my own experience, I know how difficult it is to go back when you are so far through and committed your heart. But I want to give you the same advice my mother gave me when I was in a similar situation to yours some years back, (before meeting my wonderful Lauren).

I told my mother about all my plans and what was happening, and she said "go" "your heart will recover much faster when you see how it really is"

So I did, and I spent time with this girl, and when I was lying there at night wishing I could get an earlier flight back to the UK, it was very clear.

So - please go there for a couple of weeks, and once you are there, your heart will tell you truly this is a disaster, and you can come home happy that you made the right decision and look for someone else who will really care for you.

..and you will heal faster..

..and p.s. um..speaking as a Dad...don't trust HIM to take, ahem, precautions....don't get trapped...

Greetings Kevin,

Your words have helped me feel better, indeed people here are so very caring, and I am beyond grateful to you, I can't stress that enough.

What your mother told you, namely "go" "your heart will recover much faster when you see how it really is", is exactly what I have decided to do. I may end up wishing to be back home everyday, and I will trust my intuition this time, I know it's there for a reason.

I just hope he won't pretend to be all charming again like in the beginning, which is why I must observe him well and not give him what he might expect.

Hey there,

Sorry that you are facing this issue right now. Like others, it is difficult for us to give you our decisions as suggestions because afterall, it is your life.

What we can do is to try to give you our thoughts and opinions and what we see as an outsider.

After reading your post, most of all, this isnt solely about the visa anymore, visa can be reapplied but marriage can't. Once you're in its forever your talking about. Of course we do not want to end up bad ways. You should try to give yourself time to think about whether if he is really the one and whether if you trust him enough that he will eventually get a job and push for it. If one really loves you, he would try all ways to get a job just to be with you and secure your life in future.

Moving to a new country and starting a life together as newly wed, you would need alot of money without any support. Getting a rented apartment, buying toiletries, internet monthly payment, food and groceries, some furnitures, etc. If he doesnt get a job anytime soon it will be hard for you. You must immediately apply permit to work once you have done your documentations.

Pros:

- You can motivate him more to get a job when you are there

- You both love each other

- You both tried this far for K1 visa

Cons:

- Insecurity (financially)

- Is he mature enough to take this big step in life? He is no longer responsible for one person's life but both

- You lose your current job or you can take annual/marriage leave

- Will he be able to get a job anytime soon if you're there?

- You might have to live your life with his mom for a long time

If you are unsure about this relationship and have already giving thoughts and posting here, I think you have some insecurities already. If I were you, I would delay the visa and reapply when he gets a job and at meantime visit him as a tourist to see how his life is or just move on and find someone new. Also my dear girl, do not let him use up all our 4k savings or depend on it! You must love yourself first and care for yourself first!

Hello Roy & Chanel , all my blessings you way for caring and helping. Everything you've said is accurate. However, if I were to visit him as a tourist, I know things would be wonderful again, life when I visited him before. After much thinking, I think my situation can only be assessed from seeing how he lives daily, and for this I must visit, and use that time as holiday time off, so I keep the job I worked so hard to get. And between now and then, if he has a job, and treats me with respect, then I will evaluate. The only worry is that he may tell me he doesn't want to look for jobs while I'm there.

I am perhaps late to join this thread, but I think deep inside you know what's the right thing to do. That's why you have not used your K1 yet. If you do travel to the States, please make sure you can keep your job in France, so that you don't end up turning your entire life upside down if you do need to go back to France. Take care.

never too late, I appreciate everyone's words more than I can verbalise

Hi,

I am reading this thread as well as reading it out sitting here with my mother.

I'm about to move in a few weeks and she is sad to see me go, but said she would be terrified if I was in your situation.

As a loving mother, she asked me to tell you to look after yourself and stay in France !

My advice: the same. Everyone on here has read your words and are trying to look out for you. I don't think anyone has said anything inappropriate or to stop you from being happy.

France sounds like it will make you happy and safe. This man absolutely does not.

From personal experience I've dated a man who didn't care, never asked how I felt, never wanted anything except...you know and I'd eventually had enough and KNEW there had to be a better man out there.

Think about your future, if this is breaking your heart now, imagine feeling this way every single day for the rest of your life.

please look after yourself, dig deep down and make the best decision for yourself, but I really think either put it off u til he proves his commitment or move on and find a better, loving man who treats you the way you deserve.

Good luck !! <3

Hello Kate. Thanks for sharing this, and it helps me to see that my mother would react the same. You see, once all these issues started to accumulate, I just stopped telling my mother about it, because she would be too worried, and would start to resent my fiance.

Everyone here is a star that shines in my nearly broken heart..you all help me so much. I was in a different state of mind yesterday when I posted, and now after meditating on each individual response, I know that if I give him a change, it will be the final one. So this is what I will do, and then if nothing changes, I will unfortunately have to move on and heal all my wounds.

I hope you are having a lovely time before your move

Oh, Honey. I am so sorry you are in this situation. As mentioned above, the decision is yours. I work with families that have had their children removed due to abuse and neglect to help them get their lives together so that they can get their children back. Part of my job is challenging the dysfunctional thoughts/behavior of the person in hopes that they can recognize the behavior and make different choices.

I am very concerned with a few things you have written. If your fiance finds it "too stressful" looking for a job, it is not likely he is going to successfully handle stress/responsibility when he is responsible for a wife and a child. The stress for him is going to increase, not decrease. Secondly, you mentioned that his coping mechanism is escaping via video games and entertainment. This will also increase with increased stress. He does not seem to have the emotional maturity at this point to make different decisions. This will likely look like lots of "escaping" and emotional disengagement. Next, you have communicated how valuable this is to you, and the consequences of him not looking for a job are severe, yet it still has not motivated him. I see people make decisions to not correct behavior, even when it risks losing their children, every day. It's not on purpose. There is just not the capacity there to make mature, responsible decisions. Lastly, suggesting that you stay illegally is a major character concern. It puts you in danger. It puts your family and your future in danger. That is not a loving suggestion. That type of thought process will not be limited to your immigration status.

There are some major concerns here. Do you have people near you who love you and support you that could give you some feedback?

hello dear, this is why I do not wish to bring children into this world unless I know they won't lack or suffer. I am not inconsiderate and won't let him do this. Your job sounds very fulfilling, and you're helping vulnerable people which is a blessing. You get to make a difference.

The concern you raised are the reason why I started to be doubtful over the past few weeks. I also witnessed him once, when he was stressed from driving in heavy traffic, punching his steering wheel and getting hysterical. This scared me so much, but it didn't happen afterwards, which made me bury that incident.

I did suggest that what he said would be putting me in danger, and he didn't seem to respond.

Kudos to your mother! I wish more parent understood that coddling and enabling only produces dependent and unappreciative children.

To the the OP, I must ask- who paid for the petition? My heart truly goes out to you- please see this objectively (even though I know that's difficult). If he's saying these things to you, does he truly love you? It sounds as if he hasn't been made to be responsible... if he thinks it is stressful just playing video games, as others have said- what will he do when he is the one that is working and taking care of his whole family? I would tell him that you need to see some effort before you leave your whole entire life to come here.

My fiance leaves the house at 6am and comes home around 10pm just to be able to provide for himself because he knows what responsibility is. He is showing me that even when he gets here, I don't have to worry about whether or not he has good work ethic. I won't have to question if he's responsible or motivated. It sounds like your fiance doesn't have these qualities right now. I know that it is hard to leave someone you love, but you will never change anyone. They need to change for themselves. You need to make the best decision for yourself because it sounds like this guy has no idea what adult life demands.

Hello. it was his father who paid for the petition. My fiance asked him to, as well as asked him to be our co-sponsor for the I-134. My fiance then told me that his father was awful to deal with and that he wouldn't ask him anything for us again, and that having to ask was draining on him. And yet they get along fine, so I don't know the truth there.

You're right, I told him all this and he once told me he hates reality and needs "constant stress releases". Which baffles me, as to me, he lives a stress-free life.

Your fiance is doing exactly what he should: re-assuring you. That's a gem.

Avec l'amour vient toujours le sacrifice. You said that you have the visa already. How did he get support (I864)? I am sure that he is sincere and in this situation there are two choices: follow your heart or follow your instinct.

C'est vrai, mais pour l'amour, le sacrifice doit venir des 2 côtés (= in love, sacrifice has to be reciprocated). We only needed the I-134 for the petition, and his father co-sponsored us for it, because he knew it was not legally binding.

Have you told this story to any of your close friends? Do any of them see any positives? Does anyone encourage you to go right away because he sounds like the type of guy they would want to have? What advice would you give to a friend that tells you this exact story about themself?

You cannot "fix" him. He MIGHT change a few behaviors to encourage you to support him and allow him to continue on his current pathetic path. Your traveling to the US would only prolong his childish behavior, and becoming parents dooms your child to this unhealthy lifestyle. This story screams stay away!!

It seems that this boy has found an enabler (you). If you can't cut the cord now, imagine how difficult it would be after he sucks your money dry and fills your world full of excuses as to why he "can't do..."

If you wouldn't date him in his current circumstances if he lived in France, why would you consider marrying him in the US. Falling in love is wonderful and fills us with great hopes and dreams. A healthy relationship nutures those dreams. You do not have a healthy relationship with this person.

The responsibility for your happiness rests with you. If you give someone else that power, you are to blame.

Excellent advice. I am really giving him one last chance here. He has almost 2 weeks to find a job before I go there. And once I go there, I will assess the situation first-hand, see how he treats me, how it feels to be living with his mother and siblings. And then it'll depend on if he can demonstrate change and the ability to support us.

Hi,

I saw a lot of great VJ advise so far...

I think the thing you have to judge is whether your american fiance has grown enough as a man to qualify for this serious relationship.

I think you know the answer already but really like a lot of things about the guy and would love to see it work.

Sometimes both people are not ready for the same degree of commitment. Wishing it were different doesn't make it so unfortunately.

All people grow in many ways as they age, it is likely that from everything posted that your man has not had the personal growth to really enter into the type of serious relationship your seeking.

You could just continue your online relationship for a few more months and see if he truly will work things out on his end and then re apply for the visa.

I am 55 years old now and have lived on my own away from parents since 22 years old.

The first handful of years was a little hard for me and you know I had to develop some personal discipline & goals in life.

If you have some one that is not disciplined enough to go find profitable work without being told, they are not really ready for any serious relationship.

The point for me where I decided to get my act together or at least work hard on it was when i was 26 years old and my first wife was pregnant and I had to borrow money for the birthing expenses.

I was working most of the year but at a job that was "comfortable" more than it was profitable.

So on my own I realized "hey now I am in debt with an infant son, I need to get on the ball and expand my idea on being productive".

I decided I wanted to be in business for myself and started down that path.

It took me 7 years trying different activities until I found something I enjoyed and developed the discipline and drive with a passion that became and actual career.

Since 1993 I have run my own business.

Point is that people grow as fast as they want to grow.

But you should decide for yourself what qualifications you want to see in a man that you would marry much less have a child with.

Should you be seeking a man that has a track record of production in his field or career?

Should your man have more than just a work history but have actually set out and achieved something in his career so that he has a deep personal belief in his ability?

Should you be seeking a man that has a high degree of personal discipline?

Should you only consider a man with a high degree of ability to communicate-especially when times are challenging?

Do you want to be in a relationship with a man that would suggest you do something illegal?

It really comes down to your standards as to what quality of relationship you are willing to have.

If you do come to the US knowing that your fiance has some growing to do, it may or may not be a bit of a hard life and yelling at him will not help him "grow" faster.

The fastest way would be to support your man's efforts to grow which may or may not happen.

I know of a close someone that is 50 years old and living in a car because he never learned and hung out with people that were not growing but rather heading down.

Many people have to find themselves in life and get some successes to put the confidence there. It can just happen at different times for everyone, sometimes it may never happen.

If, and I am just saying "if" you decided to end the relationship with your fiance. That may or may not be the thing to make him realize he needs to start taking life seriously because he missed a big opportunity with you.

I really don't like to "tell" people what to do although it is quite tempting.

It is better you make the decision - right- or wrong and live and grow from it.

Just look at the factors in your decision so that if it is right or wrong you grow from it yourself.

Tomorrow I go with my wife and new daughter for our adjustment of status interview.

From what I have read, the USCIS officers have a certain amount of discretion in determining if the US citizen is earning "enough" income. I have read they want to see the last 6 months or so of income being earned.

So even if you came and used your money to fund the AOS fees and or to live on, the issue of no sustained income by the US citizen may end the journey at the AOS interview after your married.

If in doubt you may want to look into this further?

If you really do care for this man and want to be with him. Make sure you have a plan to succeed with him and not just crossed fingers is my suggestion.

Good Luck with which ever you decide.

Rudy USC

Hello Rudy,

Thanks greatly for your superbly insightful message. I wondered about maturity, but I also think it has to do with priorities. If someone puts another person as their priority # 1, even if that someone is immature, I know they would move mountains for that person they see as a priority. And THAT alone, along with the experiences they will share, would make that someone more mature. Perhaps I'm just not his priority? inspite of what he said in the beginning, right before I fell for him.

Congrats on all your achievements, and all the very best for the interview today. Let me know how it went.

.

What has life's experiences taught you about moving forward when in doubt?

For me, it has most often worked against me. On the flip side, when I exercise caution and move slowly without making hasty decisions, the situation usually works itself out.

My questions for you are (no need to answer - just ask yourself and meditate on the answers)

1. Why does your fiance' live with his mother?

2. What is his employment history like?

3. Why hasn't he found a job yet? If love was on the line, I would be working double shifts at a fast food restaurant.

Your story sounds all too familiar. I can only speak in generalities, but in our country, when a grown man lives with his mother, it is usually a sign that he lacks social skills, lacks occupational skills, he has mother-issues and is incapable of taking care of himself. Again, those are only generalities, but they often prove true never-the-less.

The bottom line is: you are in doubt for a reason, and you have been for a while. This isn't a new revelation for you. This is something you have been pondering and meditating on for some time. It sounds to me like you are looking for a good reason to stay in your home country.

Hello Gregory & Dyn. Yes, when in doubt, don't proceed is usually a motto I live by. It's just different now, because I am committed and in love with him, and I have never been like this before, it is as though the love is taking my "backbone" away.

I have no idea why he is living with his mother, I guess because he doesn't have a job and can't pay rent. But then again he's never lived on his own. As to his employment history, he used to very sporadically help his dad, who actually owns a business. But when he did he hated it, and said he couldn't take it anymore, so he hasn't been helping him in about a year. Apart from that, it is well...non-existent.

And your third question is the most revealing of all...I asked him a question along that line earlier and as I said before, his response was, word for word, only this "Well again. You've said all this a hundred times, and you'll get the same sort of response from me every time.".

Not sure why he can not play video games equally as well in France.

Just excuses, I know...

If he is well meaning and searching for a job truly stresses him out (I know it would stress me out very much), here are some things to ask him (and yourself)

• Is he at least trying to harness or gain some skill to help with another job and/or career (there are classes, volunteer opportunities, etc. -- there's always something to do)
• I understand you have a decent job and a decent career prospect. Why can't he come live with you in France? there's obviously going to be a compromise, and by the sounds of it, he doesn't have much going on in the US. If he's so close to his buddies (something tells me he doesn't have many of them), he can always contact them online. Also, if you two (and it sounds like mainly you..) collectively make enough money, there's nothing stopping an eventual relocation to the US
• It's not healthy for a 20-something man to be living with his mother. He has a way out - he can live with you. Why doesn't he take this chance. Does this mean he doesn't trust you? If I were in his situation I would move there in a heartbeat, as it would give me increased moral support and give me motivation to build a career and learn a language abroad.

Not willing to learn the language because it's too difficult is a very poor excuse. There's no reason why he shouldn't have at least a basic (albeit broken) command of a language within a few years even from just casual conversation and immersion. It's in his own best interest to move to France with you.

Some of the red flags that have been raised here are the lack of interest in the K1 process (he wants to have kids and get married ASAP, but isn't interested in learning about the process in actually getting you into the US sounds like a combination of immaturity, laziness, and generally not being interested). Also the "it's different for a woman" with respect to illegal status in the US sounds rather sexist (and I'm not talking traditional gender roles, I'm talking downright sexist).

Finally, as others have mentioned, if he expects you to be a stay at home mom and satisfy the traditional female gender role, he should fulfill his own traditional male gender role and not sit at home all day and play video games.

Hi Bluebook, thanks so much for your reply. Everyone here is wonderful, I am beyond grateful.

And no, he isn't doing any of that. As a practical example, I emailed him recently about the various ways he could gain employment,and his answer was solely "Well again. You've said all this a hundred times, and you'll get the same sort of response from me every time". That is the ONLY communication he has with me daily. How can I feel good with such a dismissive answer? why is he doing that?

As to living here, he kept saying he doesn't want to. Maybe it is because he needs to control me.

You gave him your heart and you r in love with him and keep the way it is till you two have a favorable condition to live in US. Right now, it is definitely not.

Analyze your situation:

1. If you come to US now, how would your and your finacee's life go? Right now he cannot take care of himself, imagine how he would take care of you once you come to US. You will have your expectations and he will have his expectations, once you two stay together with no job, no source of income, those expectation fade away and he and/or you both might get frustrated with each other. Talking about having a child in these circumstances is definitely a foolish idea.

2. If you wait even if you could not extend your K1 visa, you can apply for another K1 visa later on once he has a job, has a source of income to take care of you both. even if they deny K1 visa during that time for this reason, you two can get married in France and then he can apply for your sponsorship of your green card through marriage.

It's your choice you wanna sacrifice a lil bit for now and be happy later on or be happy now by coming to US now for a short period of time and be unhappy later....

Hi Arken, I really appreciate your insight, and my gut tells me you are right on this. I will go there and see if he does everything to find a job, and I will keep my job, so I can return home without losing what I worked hard to achieve. That way, I'll know if it's even worth to apply for another K1.

Man, the idea of moving to a foreign country to live with my fiancee and his mother is terrifying. If I were in this situation I would honestly wait.. you said so yourself, your life right now in France is good. You have a job you enjoy and are about to be promoted, don't take a chance on that. I would wait until he proves that he's willing to put in the work before coming here and getting married and possibly pressured into having kids.

It is dreadful. And I know I should wait, and to this day I'm still hoping to hear from him everyday that he has an interview lined up. But all he's said was "I tried". I told him trying isn't enough, do or do not. But nothing resonates.