AvaAdore

It's hard to be completely invested in this yourself and the other isn't, which is clear here. The problem with that is that you'll go beyond 100% in the hope they show 10%, but they keep on taking and taking, whether they know it or not.

Time to toughen up, Ava, and do what's best for YOU.

Is it worth leaving a secure job in France for something that (from the outside) looks hopeless? Are you going to end up mothering this man because he can't get off his backside? Are you just a replacement for his mother so he can continue living the sheltered, protected and comfortable life he (looks like he) has always had?

You need to work out if it's what you want - nobody here can tell you if it is or isn't, it's something only you know.

But from my personal point of view: I would be out of there quick smart.

Hello Tayurshu. My friend earlier was saying I have now be re-programmed by him to give my all, and expect nothing in return. What can I tell him to make him understand this?

Ava Try a leave of absence from your boss there, don't resign

You sound as if you are thinking str8 and petitioners dad seem a

very astute man.

Your fiancé sounds as if his parents have cushioned him 100% and now

he wants to add a fiancé, they knowing his ways of procrastinating & other

faults &will not sign on to his responsibility, one cannot blame the dad.

Getting a job now or now he will need a co-sponsor

Seem he would even find something fast-food to help for the moment,

I say come keep your job on ice, store some possessions with family or

friends, analyze the situation ..is he lazy, does he truly wants to work, is he

depressed, or is he about to trade in dependable enabling parents for a

dependable enabling wife and saddle you with quick pregnancy...How

would the baby eat when you have a new-born.You cannot work right away

Have a long talk with him, his family, and see the real deal this side. this way

you can return home at not much lost if you have to, cancel that K1 & not

mess yourself up for future travel to the US

His home situation with a houseful of family is not a good thing to leave

your home and stable job for, visit and return home , I garanttee that wont

be to your liking, they'll also gang up on you when things get ugly

Hello Jawaree. You see his father only co-signed for the I-134 Affidavit for the petition, because this one was not legally binding. And now, even though my fiance asked him to support us for our AOS, the dad refuses. Which makes me wonder...just as you said. He knows his son more than I do. His dad told me 5 months ago that I should 'kick his ### until he finds a job as he is very lazy'. I was shocked when I told me that then, as it seems harsh, but now, I see where he was coming from.

Yes I told him fast food places are recruiting, as there is a high turnover rate in such places. He just said he would drop his resume there, but didn't update me on it. I am also trying not to be a nuisance by reminding him of the necessity to get a job, but when I don't say anything, he lives his cozy life of leisure and doesn't even think of applying. Why can't it come from him?

I am planning on assessing the situation in person, but I KNOW, like I know, that he will say "I don't want to look for a job now, not that you're here...I want to focus on you and show you around".

they'll also gang up on you when things get ugly: this makes me cringe. But I know that many families do indeed side with their son/daughter even when the latter is wrong. And I would have noone to defend me, or be objective. he would have all the power, and more. me? defenseless.

I read through this thread and I genuinely feel for you. We all know the trials of being in love across oceans and it's heart wrenching. And to now be at the finish line and to see that things are not what they initially seem has to be a punch in the gut. I'm sorry *hugs*

From what you've written, you do seem very smart and reasonable. My countryman that you have fallen in love with seems like he doesn't deserve the prize that you are. You have a good thing going for you in France and it would be an absolute shame to give up a promising future for someone who is proving to not have half the maturity and wisdom that a marriage will require.

I know it hurts and no one faults you for trying to sort through your feelings to make a decision. At best, I would suggest coming here for a short visit if closure or 'just to see' is an absolute must for you. But, from what you've written, this relationship is a farce and you need to start your healing process to move forward with your life.

Everything is gonna be ok. You're smart and you'll get through this.

Best of luck

"And to now be at the finish line and to see that things are not what they initially seem has to be a punch in the gut" THIS is precisely how I feel. After all these efforts, this is what it is...and it feels like a nightmare. Every day I wake up and feel sick to my stomach because of this, every fiber of my being hurting, and there are times when he is so good at convincing me that I start to second-guess myself ('is it my fault for needing love, care and support? should I understand that he just doesn't have a job and be ok with it, as he PROMISED he'd get one soon?')

You deserve better and I think there are many others that agree here. It seems you have been committed 100% and he isn't. It's hard to let go of someone and the hope that you will have that person you fell in love with. But you have a lot of good things going for you there, and if I was him and you were coming to see me in 2 weeks I would he overjoyed!! But it seems there is only sadness.

Ultimately you will decide what you want to do for you, no matter what others say here. But there are lots of us out there who see the warning signs and are posting for you here, seems like rooting for you here. I think that regardless of starting the process over or not perhaps that is best right now since this man isn't being 100% committed.

You gotta do what makes you happy and what makes the best sense for you.

Yes it's the most soul-crushing feeling I've ever felt. It feels I am incapacitated because of my feelings, to just tell him off. And I know he sees that, and probably watches and rejoice of all the power he has over me.

People here are marvelous, you all care more than he seems to, as sad as it sounds.

I am very sorry for your situation and the pain it is causing you. It's very easy to be on the outside looking at your situation and wonder why you would stay. Ultimately though, it has to be your decision, as it is your life. The only thing I will offer, is advice that someone once told me; that simply is, when someone tells you something, listen to it. The fact he stated "I don't care enough to do so" and made a statement regarding that the K1 process has made him stop loving you, should tell you everything you need to know. I wish you the best with the rest of your journey and it's amazing to see the support that everyone here on VJ is able to offer.

Absolutely. As I told my friend earlier, if I was looking at that situation from outside, I'd tell the person to run. But alas my feelings are involved and this renders me, almost blinded to it.

Yes, when someone tells you something, listen to it, and take it at face value. The only reason why I didn't leave him is that he is unlike anyone I ever met before: everytime he profusely apologises. Which NOW makes me wonder whether:

1/ he is manipulating me, taking me for a ride

2/ has some more deeper, mental issue.

Ava, is that your name? Don't be sad because what we're all making you realize now is a blessing. Trust me, you don't want to realize this stuff once you're already here and kinda trapped. The fact that he only wants you (it sounds like to be his trophy wife) is very concerning. He wants you to play home while he goes and plays. I'm not saying he would cheat on you, but I do not think he's mature enough for marriage at this point and has some growing up to do. Maybe you can put this all on hold in a way? Tell him you refuse to come until he gets a job. Then you'll REALLY see his true colors.

Hello Shauna, no it's just a nick. Thanks so much for being so very kind, I am experiencing a severe hardship but I promise you and everyone that I will not allow him to abuse me any further. Telling him I refuse to come until he gets a job...I did hun. And his response was "well don't come then, if that's all you care about". So again, he put the guilt on me then.

I've read the whole thread and based on everything you have said, I think this guy is not comfortable or too afraid of the real world.

I think he likes to play video games and meet people online. He doesn't want to work, or really do anything outside of the comfortable bedroom at his mother's house.

I think he liked meeting you, getting to know you, having you fall in love with him, talking you into marrying him and having his children. But he doesn't at all seem to like the reality of the situation he created.

I agree that you should not leave France. He has not shown you that you can rely on him. He's even said that you shouldn't come.

You need to distance yourself from him because you deserve better. Let him see the consequences of his own actions.

If he becomes responsible, gets a job, creates a home for you two, and makes your happiness and well-being a priority, then you can reapply for the K1.

But I really wouldn't hold my breath.

You should not be the only one worrying about your future together.

Thanks ever so much, I am now certain I will not marry him, I am planning on getting there and see first hand how he is getting along with his job search, and if by miracle he found a job, I would re-consider this if he starts caring for me more. He once listened to some awful song that had lyrics as these "I respect your feelings as a woman", and I told him it was disappointed that he would enjoy such a song...now I realise he may just not respect women altogether.

Regarding what you said in your first paragraph, do you think it was all a game for him? just having me fall in love with him? What kind of person would toy with someone's heart like this?

Do you see how he manipulates you? He didn't behave properly, but in the end he says it's your fault?

Sad to say, but he simply doesn't care about you (doesn't ask how you're doing/feeling; doesn't put any effort in the process or prepare for a good life for you two by getting a job and planning properly...)

You sound like a resourceful and sane person - your heart will heal and you will be ready to meet someone as great as you are. Pour toujours with the wrong one is a long sentence.

Hi there. Yes, shifting the blame to another person, is according to my friend, typical of cluster B personality disorders, and sociopaths. I do not know whether he is one, but what she explained hinted at it.

Pour toujours...was all I wanted from the very beginning.

I know how you feel. It really break us apart when we're in an unbalanced relationship, where you're giving too much of yourself away and not getting the support and love you want and deserve.

There's a point in life that you need to ask yourself if you want to live like this. You're responsible for your own happiness and have the power to change and go after it.

Thanks so much, I know deep down you are right. I often ask myself why he does not give me the support and love I need, to reciprocate. Could it be manipulation, or a deeper problem. Guess I'll never know.

You shouldn't ever ask a person to change for you. If the person is so flawed that things have to change prior to you ever getting married, end this relationship and keep looking. This guy sounds like, from everything you've said, he's just not that interested in marriage, your arrival in the US, or putting effort forward in anyway. Why on earth would you expect that to change once you got here?

It's understandable that maybe you feel insecure, that you might not find someone to love you like he "did in the beginning", or that you are not prepared to be single. I promise you that your focus in life from this moment on should be on learning how to love yourself only. Figure out how to better yourself, hobbies that you like, what you want to do in life, etc.

Change your phone number, your email or any other method he uses to get ahold of you and move on.

Last - just because you love someone or gave them your heart does not mean they deserve it. I love my exhusband and always will. Doesn't mean I would ever talk to him again.

Thanks Margaret. I think you are right when you said he doesn't sound interested in what should make him over the moon...the marriage, and my arrival. But never does he communicated he was even glad about it. Why can't be be honest then? Is it definitely a way to lead me on? Perhaps because he can sense that no matter all the lies and betrayals he did, I still stayed?

I have been reading all the comments and this is so sad. You want to have a marriage like that?

Once I read "marriage is not 50% and 50% divorce is. Marriage is 100% and 100%"

It seems you are giving/doing 200% and he 0%. That sounds like a not very nice way to live. Please THINK. Listen to your heart and soul. You want to be happy. You want to be with someone who really loves you and treats you like you deserve. Not being far from home with that human being.

I thank you for your sympathy once again, really everyone here is making me see everything from a different perspective, and I no longer feel "bad" for needing him to have a job absolutely (when his mother thinks I shouldn't care about it).

I did indeed tell him I'm making all these compromises and sacrifices, and he seems to be taking that for granted. I said all this in the hope he'd realise all the efforts I put into it. But it has dawned on me that the more efforts I have made, the less effort he made. Why would that be? I jut don't understand the thinking behind it.

"marriage is not 50% and 50% divorce is. Marriage is 100% and 100%" is spot on.

Not if she doesn't have EAD. She can't have EAD unless he makes enough money to sponsor her AOS, or finds a co-sponsor, none of which he appears willing or able to do.

You're right that if he hasn't found a job by now, he won't.

It took her 8 months to find this job, she likes it, and is up for a promotion. She should leave this job to chase after someone who is "too stressed" to find a job and won't be able to get it together enough to make sure she has legal status in the US? And who wants to have a baby right away while taking zero actions to actually support the baby?

Also, OP--- why did his behavior change? Possibly because people change. Also, abusers (I don't mean beating I mean emotional abuse and manipulation) get you to fall in love with them, and then show their true colors. And one of their tricks is withholding their love from you to get you to work harder to "earn" it. And looks like it's working. You're talking about giving up your good life for the nothing that he is offering you, putting yourself at risk (legal status and financially) and he doesn't even treat you nicely, forget treat you equally (being willing to come to you, for example). That didn't happen by accident.

Catherine, actually my friend here told me to look into Cluster B personalities. She suggests he *might* suffer from that, or depression, or even bi-polar for the rapid and drastic changes in tone/moods. Which could all either be intentional, or not.

Hi Ava,

I know you have received a lot of different and great opinions here so far. My thoughts come from being married previously and learning life lessons.

Personally, I would suggest staying right where you are in France. Let him know gently that you just don't feel comfortable coming at this time since he has no home for the two of you to live in and no way to support you while you look for employment here. This is a big deal; what if you were to get sick when you get here? What if you did get pregnant with no way to support the baby? If he were to become angry with you or upset in any other way that didn't include complete understanding of your choice... well my advice would be to end the relationship and keep looking.

It's quite possible that your fiance is not quite as mature as you are, and doesn't understand the full scope of what you are putting on the line to come here. Find someone who wants to take care of you just as much as you want to take care of them.

He unfortunately has this ability to find excuses for this. He tells me that it's very hard to find a job in the US right now (which I know is true, though statistically, the US economy has been more prolific than the one over here lately). He also tells me he doesn't want to work in LA, as he "hates big cities" and he wouldn't want us to live there as it would be too costly. So anytime I try to remind me of his responsibilities, he just finds excuses as to why nothing has changed ever since he promised he'd find a job ASAP, which was a promise made as soon as the embassy approved our K1 visa.

I know his mother has told him that I should love him, even jobless. So it would be living in an environment where she sides with his vices, and I am not strong enough for that. Hence why I need changes.

I know why you're saying I should find someone else..it's just so hard to find someone that makes you feel at home. He did for me, before he became hurtful. And the innocence in me is still yearning for these early days.

Is loving him forever worth a life of misery and abuse? Not only for yourself but also for your children? Is this abuse the environment that you want to see your children witness? Do you want them to live in grandmom's house with their uncles and aunts while he emotionally abuses you in front of them?

Hi again Aaron. I had a grandmother that was abused by her husband, I know that abusers wreck any chance of a healthy relationship, even if the other person does her very best. I certainly don't want to be in this position, let alone expose children to this. I also know that abusers can abuse their spouse in front of their children, and I suppose years down the line, these same children would have no respect for the abused spouse, due to these evil sick patterns they witnessed.

From all the stuff you've said, I think you know this has no chance of working out?

He wants you to give up your job and your home, and bring your savings because he can't be bothered to get a job?

He wants you to be a stay at home mum, but he doesn't have a job?

He tells you the process has damaged his feelings for you?

He can't be bothered to learn your language and would rather be playing computer games?

I've just got married on my k1 visa. Being married involves a massive change in your life, and it takes time to work things out and settle into it. Moving to a new country is a stressful too. I would only advise even attempting it if you believe your relationship is perfect. If there are any cracks then its going to get shaken apart in no time. It involves compromise and give and take? So far you seem to be compromising and giving everything, and he's done... well... nothing? My new wife and me did whatever we could to be together - she sponsored me and got all the paperwork she needed, and I did my part, paying the fees and visiting often and getting all my paperwork like police certificates etc... and we worked so well on it together. That's what its all about.

I'm probably older than many here (i'm 43). I've been through a lot in that time - failed relationships, and one bereavement. One lesson I learned a while back was that it hurts to break up with someone, but often it hurts more to stay with them. If things aren't right, learn from it and move on. Staying in a bad relationship will just make you unhappy.

Hello. Your advice and everyone's precious advice has made me think a lot today at work. I emailed him yesterday and today, to expose my concern as the day we are supposed to meet is soon. All I heard back was "I've heard all of this before, I'm doing what I can. Good night". But alas it was followed with the 12 hour rest, and a day of gaming. Heck if I was in his position, I would treat the job search as if my LIFE depended on it. I'd apply everywhere, and I know Macdonald's are also hiring. But whenever I hint at all this, he just asks me to stop complaining.

I'm so glad to hear things have been much easier with your wife. After all these ordeals, you deserve the very best to heal from the past.

I 134

Hello again lovely people

The amount of support from you is overwhelming. I have a few close friends here, who don't really know him but they are very worried as they see he is not reaching out to me when he should, and not doing the basics to maintain a relationship. The stark contrast is that in person, he is all over me. But not here for me emotionally when I'm away, and in need of love and support. They say it can't be right, and perhaps his intentions aren't totally honest.

I will reply to all of you once I return from work tonight. But as per this quick question. To file the petition we only needed the I-134 form with the affidavit of support. His dad was our co-sponsor then, because he knew that signing these is not legally binding. Whereas the one for the AOS would be legally binding.

I'm trying to act fact as I have seen decently priced rountrip tickets...but their prices increase daily so if I book it, I must do so very soon. Also a one-way ticket is often more expensive than a roundtrip ticket, but I guess it makes sense. If I were to book a roundtrip ticket for a couple of weeks, just to be able to assess the situation first-hand and see if he changes in person (all this while keeping my job, in case things go badly, as I'd be using these 2 weeks off as my holiday), wouldn't the immigration officer at the airport find it suspicious that I have a roundtrip ticket and not a single ticket? Would he be able to see this, or would he solely see the "Paris-LA" ticket given by the airline upon checking in?

I have been reading the threads here and it sounds like it is very clear what you should do. I mean I don't want to overstep because ultimately the decision lies with you. So what have you decided?

Personally if you asked me I would stay there. My husband is there and we are still working through our paperwork to get him here. But there is nothing that he wouldn't do for me, and the process is tough but he hasn't been deterred. This man doesn't seem to want to do anything for you.

Also you can't change someone who doesn't want to change themselves.

Lastly, have you decided which way you are leaning? Staying or leaving?

Yes, same, I was excited about the process in fact, and the hurdles meant nothing to me. To me each step was one step closer to living together and I accepted that. While he just found it overly stressful.

Right now it is midnight, I haven't eaten, my eyes are still shedding tears from having to take that decision. And he isn't even calling me or asking about my day.Yes expects me to be on that plane in 2 weeks, with no affection before.

You're focused on the wrong "what if". What if you come over here, and you can't apply for AOS in the required 90 days? You know what happens then? You're here illegally in the US which is no joke. Sure, you probably won't get caught but anything can happen. And does happen. Even to French citizens: http://pinerivertimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/DU/20150310/NEWS01/150319959/0/NEWS05/Durango-nurse-facing-deportation&template=printpicart

(If you don't want to read it: French citizen, married while on visitor's visa, before the 90 day visa expired. Was "in the process" of applying for AOS---after the 90 day visitor visa was up, when an altercation got the police to come to the house. 22 days overstay resulted in her spending a month in immigration jail and was facing deportation and and a ban). What will he do if/when you're deported and banned? What will happen to your hypothetical children?

You won't be able to get a driver's license--which is important as an ID as well as permission to drive. Eventually your passport will expire and will no longer be a valid ID. You won't even be able to get on an airplane for a domestic flight (no valid ID, no airplanes). You won't be able to leave the US ever, not even to Canada, not for a cruise, not to go home to visit your family, because you won't be allowed back in.

What if you can't get your visa extended (you probably can). You apply for another one. You'll probably get that one, too. Explain the finances. If they deny the K1, get married and go for a CR1. More time apart, yes, but better than signing up for all of the above.

I know it's serious mayhem if that comes to this. I did mention similar scenario to him and he just said "there are many illegals here. You just want the AOS for your own piece of mind". Just hurtful.

Also he has never made the research for the K1 visa and never read anything about it, he doesn't seem to care about the process at all. Shouldn't he be interested in all the steps?

I greatly respect your stress over the situation. Far too many would come and increase the burden upon our system. I think you will have no problem finding a job just as easy if not easier than in France. Unfortunately if he hasn't found some kind of job yet I wouldn't rely on it, our market is good right now. On top of that California is crazy expensive to live in. I wouldn't say don't come, because you can always go back. I wouldn't stress about losing your job unless it is a once in a lifetime job. I would continue to tread with caution. It is odd a parent not supporting their child, that to me is the biggest sign of something not wrong. A strong family is important to me, and that doesn't sound like a strong family to me. Good luck in whatever you decide, California is great so at worst you could have a month or two vacation.

Good evening and thanks so much! to be honest, finding ANY job in France proves to be very complex these days. It took me 8 months to find that one, before that I was in other little jobs with exploiting bosses...but this job I have now makes me happy to wake up every day. So I have a LOT to lose here, and he isn't concerned about it to be fair, he doesn't ask any questions about it, he never once asked what I do at work!

Her mother will need him to pay rent because she doesn't have much money herself and she rents a big house for her and all her children. She used to share the bills with a man, who no longer is her husband.

It could have- people handle stress differently. But stress can pop up at anytime. What if you have to go back home to take care of a family member down the road, will he start acting like this again? Even if the distance made him act like this, once you came to the end of the process he should have been excited and start making preparations. You have a decent life where you are. If i were in your shoes, I'd ensure I have money for my return ticket home. Take a 2 week holiday and see how he is in person. See how dedicated he is to finding a job.

I remember when I first came here at 17, my mom told me if I'm searching for a job i need to treat the search like a job. She woke me up at 7am every morning and i wasn't allowed back in the house till 6pm. She would give me money for lunch and a stack of resumes and i could go places and apply all day- i found a job in two days. If he's dedicated he will find something. The fact that he hasn't might mean he's not and his mom is enabling him. That's a recipe for disaster- I've been there and it doesn't end well.

Hello, I thank you, and everyone here ever so much. I am feeling at my worst and you are here for me, lovely people <3

That is a good idea indeed. But I already know he will do as he does now. He sleeps for 12 hours a day, and then he wants to play his games, or watch his movies, or work out. He even told me "when you come here, I'll need my space". Which of course felt like a spear through my heart.

Your mother sounds wonderful and she's spot on. A job search IS a job. And yeah, it doesn't help that he lives with her still and she told him that she'd be here always even if he doesn't work.

No. It's his true colors.

We all behave quite well at the beginning of relationships. We are on our best behavior. After a while, the masks fall off and our true colors shine through.

Could he be why he has no longer any "energy" to be loving and caring? (his words).

I feel shattered.

We can only come here and offer our sincere opinion on this, but as we are not actually going through this, it's important that you take the time to really assess your feelings, hopes and dreams.

Sounds like you're young and yet you're (at least) bilingual and have a good job with a promotion offer on your way. You sure worked hard for it. Are you comfortable on leaving the life you have and worked for behind? Your family and friends?

Love is a powerful emotion that sometimes take our reason away and make us choose poorly. As much difficult as it is, try to reason within you: is loving him enough? Would you be happy being out of status? Living in his mothers house? Not being able to work?

Relationships take a lot of compromise and require that the people involved work together in order to make it work. So far you've done your part, why can't he do his?

I agree with everyone's opinion so far. Don't throw what you have away for someone that's not putting the effort to make this life changing situation comfortable and worth for you. Love and respect yourself, you deserve much better.

Hello, to be honest it terrifies me to live all that behind. But not once has he asked me how I felt about it. he sleeps 12 hours a day, knows how hard I work, and I always have to ask him for Skype chats. It's tearing me apart.

He's lazy and has no respect for you or your culture then. Or he's stupid. Sorry. Learning another language simply isn't THAT hard. Boring, maybe. But we all do things for love. Except him, I suppose. Because he's lazy and has no respect for your or your culture or he's stupid. See?

Everyone feels that way about their loves (that giving their heart is forever). It passes. Marriage is a partnership, not a fairy tale. You're not getting a partner. You would be signing yourself up for a lifetime of misery (or at the very least an ugly divorce) if you continue with this unless he makes some very serious changes. Sorry. Good luck.

Yeah..I have been very disappointed, but always gave him (and still do) give him the benefit of the doubt.

What changes should he make? Perhaps I can suggest him that

I think CatherineA has put it best. If you wouldn't marry this guy right now if he lived down the street due to some of the issues and behaviors, then don't go to the US to marry him. Relationships are hard enough, marriage doesn't make it any easier. And immigration certainly throws some stress into the mix.

It sounds like a lot of typical relationship hurdles independent of the immigration ones. If you want to work and be independent and not be a full time stay at home mom, those are huge differences in what you both have planned for he future.

Postpone or cancel this visa. Work through some of the other major issues. You can always re-apply for the K-1 or apply for a CR-1. But moving to a small town Ina new country with no way to work or travel or be yourself and potentially need to divorce if things don't improve would be much more difficult.

Or book a round-trip for just shy of a month from now. Come on the K-1 and see the situation in person. You'll know after 2-3 weeks if it's what you want..

Thanks Sarah. I don't know why he can't see how many sacrifices I have to make. He never commented on it, or said he appreciates it.

It's so tricky...even if I were to stay for a couple of weeks, maybe he would should me his loving side again in the beginning?

Oh, goodness. I'm sorry. But please re-read what you've written here and imagine a friend or sister or someone explaining it to you.

He wants you to be a stay at home mom and yet he is unwilling/unable to even support himself. Just *trying* to take the first step in supporting just himself (finding a job) was "too stressful". Can you imagine? That would be the beginning and end of that conversation for me.

From a quick google search, it looks as if there is nothing preventing him from being able to live in France if he were to marry you. He doesn't have to prove any savings, or at least not according to the French consulate in DC: http://www.consulfrance-washington.org/spip.php?article470 He doesn't speak the language? That sounds like a personal problem, to me. There is no requirement that he speak French to live in France (to become a citizen, I bet, but there's other legal status available). Furthermore, that is a very fixable personal problem. He can learn French. Literally billions of people on the planet speak more than one language. And with a little effort on his part he, too, may join their ranks.

"As a woman, it's different". End of conversation for me, too. If he'd feel like a slave as an illegal immigrant unable to work, he needs to understand you'd feel that way too. (PS, see above. He can get legal status). I don't believe in double standards, particularly not on the basis of gender and most especially not if the person talking that kind of nonsense isn't living up to the flip side of that coin (which is "as a man, he should be supporting himself, and not let "stress" keep him from being alpha-male provider". Instead, he's still suckling at Mommy's teet! Big man there). He wants a stay at home mom, sure. FOR HIM. He doesn't want a family to provide for....he wants a mother-wife to always take care of him.

Please. You are much better off living in a country with a job and legal status than you ever will be living illegally with someone who plans to "support you" as a stay at home mom but shows zero effort to actually provide that support.

yes, I know I condone too much, and I realise he may see this as a weakness to exploit.

He gave me several other reasons, such as he doesn't like the people here. The few times I tried to teach him, he would pronounce a word and then just give up. Another thing that is making my head boil is that he never asks how I'm feeling. I had a medical issue not long ago, and he never asks how things are now. I asked why and he said that if I wanted to talk about it, I would talk about it.

Why dd he change so much? sometimes I wonder if he didn't pretend to be someone else, just so I would fall for him. And now I can't remove my feelings.