SCOTTANDVICKI

Many thanks for the sarcasm TBoneTX.

Following another conversation with husband, I'm pretty much set that life in the U.S. just isn't for me. Luckily he can work from wherever and will continue to tour and it looks like I'm off back to my lovely country where prioritising sustainable development is the law!

I'm glad so many of you have found happiness here, I'm certainly glad I gave it a try!

TBoneTX - I do have my drivers license and I appreciate that public transit is 'not the way' here. I personally choose to avoid driving as far as possible (hence the concerns about walking and cycling here) for reasons of environmental conscience. I worked in climate change education and community engagement for the government in the UK so it's not that I get irritated that people 'don't agree with me', it's that people - particularly in Texas, from what I've been told by other Americans - don't accept the facts. Anthropogenic climate change is very real and people need to act and change their behaviour NOW. President Obama's Climate Plan, while admirable and better than anyone else has done thus far, needs to go much further. This is a big source of frustration to me.

Natonstan - That's exactly the kind of thing that I mean! What are you expected to do?! I saw a wreck the other day when I and the car in front of me were waiting to go into the filter lane to turn left started a little way down a road. We were in standstill traffic and both waiting for the solid line to finish before merging over, but of course as you said, a guy in a big pick up truck comes thundering down the lane - over the solid line - into oncoming traffic and hits the back left of the car in front of me that was moving over at the right time. I'd seen people do that so many times in that spot but that was the first time it actually caused a crash - though not the last I'm sure. Be safe out there!

No, actually - people who spend a trifling amount of time looking into the culture of the place they are planning on living for the rest of their lives don't think this at all. That's why they do their homework, which for an educated person certainly ought not include television as a source of credible information.

On the one hand you've claimed to have an open mind, but on the other hand put down a pervasive culture by saying it is half a century behind yourself. I have never said such a thing about the Muslim culture so predominant in my wife's region where we have women in full burka's being escorted by male members - it is the only way they are allowed outside the house. I don't even think that, let alone say so. This is their belief system and it is not my place to judge them.

I knew more about the history of my wife's region than she did before I met her. I read extensively, traveled to six different islands, knew some of the other mixed-race couples - a godfather for one couple's daughter - the culture was one of the strongest reasons for considering a wife from her region. She is not Muslim - but we have a house on the border of the Autonomous Region of Muslim Mindanao so it is mixed. We have neighbors on two sides that are traditional Muslim and upon meeting them I could empathize with them about the history of the US slaughters of Muslims in the Philippines; the hundreds that were tortured by waterboarding, the burning of crops and destruction of homes, etc. - so this is why they don't hate me like they hate the arrogant Americans who think the only good Muslim is a dead Muslim.

This is just so pervasive in these "struggling to adjust" types of threads - "Oh golly, after doing no research on the place I was moving, I am surprised to find out how little I knew" Well whose fault is that?

Were you to have done a parallel investigation into Texas culture you would be able to talk with them about a hell of a lot more than the weather, like the history of the Native, French, Spanish, and Mexican periods prior to the Republic of Texas - and why the culture evolved as it did. You'd empathize with them in the same way I do with the Muslim neighbors we have, even though I am an atheist.

Look before you leap.

I don't think that's entirely fair. I'd visited the US about 10 times before I moved here and have been to 13 different states so far. What I was trying to say is that visiting and living here are entirely different things. Firstly, you don't get as wide an exposure to the population as you do when you have to work in a country. I'd mostly (as you'd expect) spent times with friends that live here and with my husband's family and friends who are pretty liberal. I hadn't realised how the extent to which they were the exception rather than the norm here in Texas.

For me, the primary issue is things like climate denial because it makes me so angry that people wilfully ignore the facts and refuse to act. I think I've pretty much accepted that living here doesn't suit me - but if you don't take a risk in life and try things you'll never know. Luckily my husband has a job that travels!

The reliance on driving was something I forgot to bring up! Like yourself I didn't drive for a long time back in the UK, I replaced it with cycling, when I moved here my wife has a car so she drove me if I needed to go anywhere, then I also purchase a bike, big mistake trying to cycle around here, people seem to be either completely rude and just honk for no apparent reason other than to be idiots, or from what i've found certain areas are unreachable unless you take a highway (Cycling on 287 isn't fun at all)

Isn't it nuts? Good grief, we have cycle lanes here in Austin (which city are you in?) but there's no way in heck I'd use them because people drive like loonies! I used to enjoy cycling or walking to work in Cardiff.

I've tended to find that speed limit signs are just decorative street furniture here, but I guess they don't have the speed cameras that we have at home! I always drive the speed limit and people are constantly overtaking me, even with Police around, and nobody seems to pay any attention at all! I also can't get used to turning right on red. I've been honked at a couple of times when there's been a red light and I've got my indicator on.

It is rubbish that you can't get places unless you take the highway - I've been trying to find ways around it too, but no such luck! Traffic is truly miserable here in Austin. My husband tells me that drink driving is still a much bigger problem here than in the UK because there are no bars / pubs within walking distance unless you live really firmly in the middle of a city. There's definitely nowhere to walk to where we live, not even a shop!

Thank you so much everyone! It's nice to know this is a common phenomenon! There was no real reason for us to live in Texas other than the fact my in laws are here (4 hours' drive north of us) and I'd liked Austin when we visited, plus it's a hub for live music so we thought that might present some new opportunities for husband. He left Texas to go to college in the early 90s and hadn't lived back here until now either. When we moved from the UK we had to pick somewhere so that was about it!

So I told husband (bless him, he's away on tour until November so there's sod all he can do about it right now!) that I'm going to go home to the UK in 2 weeks to regroup then we're going to figure something out. If he really doesn't want to go back to the UK we're going to move to the Pacific Northwest and I'm going to concentrate my job search in that area.

TBoneTX - I'm genuinely sorry if you feel that I and others are bashing Texas. I can only speak for myself but as a very liberal, relatively heavily tattooed, environmentalist woman TX just isn't the place for me. I work in communications and engagement around climate change and sustainable development and have done for the past 10 years. I just can't do that here because a large proportion of the people I've met (and the job market!) don't place as much importance on those things as I do. Plus the car reliance here is driving me mad! I didn't drive for years in the UK (again, for environmental reasons) and I feel guilty every time I get in the car. I'd like to live somewhere more walkable, with more accessible public transit so I don't have to drive as frequently.

The USA is far more right wing than England and, to add spice to your food, you moved to Texas of all states. Texas is crazy in many ways. It's actually entirely legal to shoot a person to death for stealing something if it's night time and you fear they are going to run away. Google it.

As far as racial segregation is concerned, England is plenty segregated, too. If you didn't think so, you weren't paying attention. People across the world, even in "racially tolerant and progressive societies", are highly segregated. The difference may be you're seeing more non-whites in Texas, so the separation is more glaring.

Moving from England to Texas is a substantial adjustment.

Even if it's just a fantasy to a large degree in practice, the notion of individualism is alive and well here in ways you are going to have to learn to accept, or reject with friction. This is a country born from a revolution, and to this day the sense that the man is out to get people is still strong, and in some people intense.Or eventually you may change a bit. As I tell people the left wingers in the US are like right-wingers in other countries. I grow increasingly conservative each year, and more sympathetic to the "traditional" American values. I don't believe I could tolerate the political culture of the UK, as much as the one here needs work.This was an unwinnable argument because you were arguing--even though you didn't know it--a religious point with a proponent of a religion that you are not a part of. This is a common view and, in fact, not as crazy as it sounds on the outset. Any functioning group dealing with difficult situations always has a hierarchy. Always. They just codified it. Every married couple has a boss, whether one of them wants to pretend otherwise or not.

I also agree with the last guy--quit your job and travel with your husband. Being alone in a new country is particularly difficult.

Sadly, though a nice idea, we can't really afford for me to travel with him full time because I need to work. He only earns when he's on tour which is about 8 months of the year. Plus I've spent all the time since university developing my career and I don't really want to give that up at 32!

I do consider myself a Christian, it's just that the 'brand' of Christianity around here seems so different to what I was taught! I don't think there's a boss in our marriage, or in my Mum and Step Dad's marriage as another example of a relationship I've seen. My husband and I are equal partners. We make all our decisions together and thrash it out even when we don't agree (which isn't often in fairness, we have very similar values). We have a fair division of labour around the house - we do the chores we prefer (cooking, bill-paying and laundry for me; cleaning/vacuuming, car stuff and trash/recycling for him and we grocery shop together).

Perhaps I was just spoiled living in Cardiff which is a particularly multi-cultural city. We lived in a fairly afflent suburb of north Cardiff and many of our neighbours were Indian, Pakistani, Chinese. I suppose I'm just used to it and have noticed the difference.

I have a very liberal friend who lives in Seattle and she seems to fit in very well there! I don't know too much about it, but she doesn't seem to be the odd one out when it comes to trying to be environmentally friendly and progressive in some aspects.

That may be a really good place for ya'll!

I agree on the belief that everyone has the right to an opinion. It seems that for the most part, there's been a shift as to what opinions mean to people. I personally think that as long as you value my ability to have an opinion on something, that I should value yours. I can't stop anyone from having an opinion and others shouldn't stop me either.

BUT, as a generalization, in America there seems to be an issue where the fine line between, person A simply voicing an opinion that person B doesn't agree with, and Person B feeling personally attacked by person A's opinion. A debate on a topic quickly becomes a feeling of being personally attacked, even if the other person still thinks you're merely debating a topic. I'm sure it happens everywhere, but I do believe it's more common here or is at least becoming more common.

Your last point, be it a generalisation or not, definitely made me think. I wouldn't personally attack another person's opinion, I would just tell them (if they asked) why I didn't agree with it and how I came to be of that opinion. I didn't realise that they'd think that I was attacking them because I'm used to having those kinds of conversations back home.

Absolutely agree with this. Europeans, for some strange reason, think Americans, and only Americans, are racists, homophobes, etc. I have traveled extensively and I can assure you that we (Americans) did not invent these things or even come close to having a monopoly on them. Everywhere you go some group is at odds with another group. It is just a human thing, and I don't think we will ever be fully free of it. Is there racism here? Absolutely. Do we have problems? Certainly. But not other country has attempted to do what the U.S. has: Integrate a bunch of different cultures and races, as political and social equals. Is it utopia? No. Is it Utopian? Yes. So why not cut us a little slack and give us some credit for not being in a constant state of civil war.

Personally, I don't think that Americans are the only people with race, homophobia, sexism etc issues, I was just pointing out that it's a great deal different than in the UK where I'm from.

There does seem - from my own experience because it's all I can speak from - to be some very strong views presented (just look at the Kim Davis case) from that standpoint. A lady I'm acquainted with whom I was talking about my son quickly ended our conversation when she learned that my son's Godfather was gay (and a clergyman!) for example. That hadn't happened to me outside the UK. The husband of a good friend of mine (from before I moved to the US) who lives here and I got into a very heated discussion too when I disagreed with the fact that he said he is the 'leader' of his home and his wife and daughter defer to him in decision making because they are women and that the Bible says women ought to be silent. I've known his wife longer than he has - she is a highly educated woman and I completely disagreed with his point of view. Again, never had this type of conversation outside of the US. My views expressed here are just a product of my experiences.

Also you are here while the country is going through a particularly polarized time in its history.

I've been here 8 years now and the last few years have definitely been getting steadily worse for the 'take one side or the other' politics and the vehemence of how people argue their political points.

Also the thing I noticed straight away is that many people who are considered liberal or left-leaning here in the USA would be right of centre in the UK.

And I agree the individualism vs community mindset is hard to adjust to but there's not much getting away from that - it becomes something you just have to adjust to.

This is so true. I was raised by a left wing, trades unionist single mother in south Wales in the early 1980s and for the past 10 years I've been a civil servant to a Labour government so that should tell you a lot about me! The left here would absolutely be slightly right in the UK!

I'm very liberal personally but believe that everyone has the right to their own opinion as long as they're prepared to accept that someone else has a different one and it's not necessarily 'wrong'. I will debate with anyone (I enjoy a good debate!) and respect their opinion as long as they have the facts to back it up.

I know I'll have to adjust to the propensity towards individualism over the benefit of the whole community but it's going to be a tough one!

Thank you so much for your replies everyone, the majority of you have made me feel much better - particuarly as regards the fact that 3 months is about the time people start to get disillusioned with the whole thing! The first 6-8 weeks were so busy in terms of finding somewhere to live, buying a car (and taking my drivers' test - I hadn't driven in the UK for 6 years before moving here!) and getting all the paperwork in order that now everything is just normal I have more time to notice how 'different' I feel.

I have talked to my husband about moving elsewhere - we're considering Oregon. He loves California but it's just too expensive. We're just renting our apartment right now so another move won't be too much of a big deal but it will be a shame to be that much further from his parents who live on the Texas / Oklahoma border. I've found what people have said about San Antonio fascinating. That's where my husband was raised and, although he is hispanic and I am white, I just didn't realise that was 'a thing' before I moved here. Generally speaking, people in the UK don't even notice (with the exception of elderly people, really) mixed race relationships, it's just a non-issue. Since we've been here a few people have said 'mixed race relationship' to or about us and I really don't like it.

I would have loved to not have political conversations with that person I mentioned earlier, but it's one of those things I couldn't get away from as easily as I'd hoped because he asked me a lot of questions. That kind of belief structure is just really alien to me, I guess I was just not as prepared as I thought. If I'd been moving to the middle east or south east Asia then perhaps I'd have expected more of a difference, but since my husband and I have been married for 2 years, together for 3, I've been back and forth here a lot and thought that I understood things. Being here on holiday is a totally different ball game to living here, I just wasn't prepared for how much so!

Maybe I'm just a European person and my beliefs are so strongly held that I'll never settle here. I've committed to trying it for at least a year and not making any big decisions about going home until then anyway. Thank you again everyone for all your thoughts!

Hello everyone

On the USCIS site it says that I've paid June 17 and that my Green Card was produced but the last status update was July 30 and I still haven't received it.

At my POE they said it would be with me within 6 months so I didn't really worry but seeing as it says 'produced' should I have had it by now? Has it gotten lost in the mail or something?

You will never get your head around the 'obvious' racial segregation, its a joke that the US regards itself as a melting pot, there's no melting, there are pockets of people from various racial groups...I was as shocked as you when I moved here from Canada 8 yrs ago...I went through what my husband lovingly refers to as my 'I hate America' phase about 3-5 months in. The food sucked (I could never find certain things readily available back home and the taste was dreadful), customer service sucked at stores and restaurants, people's attitudes sucked...it was like everyone loved to hate on some group. It didn't feel comfortable here, I felt like I couldn't be my usual jovial, Canadian self.

And Politics?? OMG - heaven forbid we have friendly banter at lunch, no such thing here...it must be a fight to the death and you MUST take sides!

It really helped me once I encountered like minded people through work, what a relief! Many times I've found myself more comfortable with other immigrants who have an actual perspective about the world.

Remember, these are my opinions and impressions....please no one bother to try to argue the points I made.

Yes. It's the polarization and the hating on individual groups that really bothers me. While I really (really!) disagree with, for example, Tea Party politics I respect their right to have a very different opinion to me as long as they don't keep insisting I'm wrong and that everyone else but them is causing the fall of humanity!

I've met 2 people who I've clicked with as friends - both from California and very new to Texas...I wonder if that's why!

Rest assured that homesickness is prevalent and is very, very natural. When Mrs. T-B. got here, she cried frequently. She now views the U.S. as her happy home.

As for you, you say what you say in 1. above, but then you say 2. As one example, if you internally consider yourself to be superior because of your political or sociologic views, and this comes across to others, they might keep you more at arm's length than otherwise. Differences can make the world go 'round. Think of how you might be perceived by others, and consider modifications.

Consider why 3. is. There might be more reasons than you think.

As for 4., observe your successful or well-rated colleagues and begin to emulate what they do.

You're obviously intelligent and have the time, so you can make a personal game of the above: "1./2. How many consecutive people can I accept, and how many can I get to accept me? 3. How many reasons can I come up with? 4. How quickly and well can I emulate my colleagues' successful patterns?"

Why can't your husband take you on some of his tours? What has he been doing to help you become acclimated?

Honestly, I daren't talk about my political or sociological views! Just as one example, there's a guy (a pastor) that shares the same co-working office space I use and he is constantly talking about how liberalism is ruining the world and how Europe is so terrible because it's allowed liberalism to 'take over'! Personally, I believe that quality of life is better in Europe - universal healthcare, 20 days legal minimum in paid vacation, paid maternity and paternity leave that can be shared between both partners, the Working Time Directive so no one works over 48 hours per week etc. So believe me, I simply talk about the weather with 99% of people I meet and as an educated and (I admit it freely!) opinionated woman it takes a lot of restraint!

The biggest fundamental cultural difference I've noticed, and that troubles me most is that the US is very focused on the individual, whereas Wales is very much about making good decisions for the best of the whole community and looking out for its weakest member. That was always a very big part of what makes me incredibly proud to be Welsh and, while I know I have to acclimatise, it flies so in the face of my personal beliefs I'm just finding it difficult.

The religious element is tough for me too. The UK is very much secular and religion has little to do with government. Our elected representatives are from all faiths because the country is made up of people of different faiths and they must be represented! I, personally, consider myself a Christian, but the brand of Christianity peddled around here is nothing similar to what I'm used to from my Church in the UK (most people here I've talked to about it were shocked that I was used to having a female pastor, for example). There is just so much judgment around and the recent Presidential debates and the whole ludicrous Kim Davis circus has really troubled me. While I personally have faith, I would never feel right about assuming that people should believe as I do. I believe religion is a very personal thing and that people should be free to believe or not believe whatever they wish. For a super Christian state, very little of what I have heard from Christians in Texas represents what I believe as Jesus' teaching (help those in need, love your neighbour as yourself, do not cherish money and possessions etc)

Husband and I are both pretty heavily tattooed (him more than me, but it doesn't seem to matter in the music industry!) and having to wear a cardigan in 104 degrees has been wretched! I used to wear short sleeves for 10 years working for the Government in the UK! The Minister I worked for (equivalent to a Secretary of State here) also had tattoos so no big deal! That's a big part of why we chose Austin in particular to move to, more acceptance of alternative type people but again that has been in pockets rather than overall.

The problem work-wise is that I was the Executive Director (I say was because I just handed in my notice) so I didn't have anyone to emulate! Culturally, it wasn't a good fit for me so I'm going to go back to looking in the environmental nonprofit sector where I belong! My husband couldn't take me on tour because I was working full time, plus he's in a tour bus with 9 other guys for the next 7 weeks! I guess he has faith that he married a self-sufficient woman and that I'll be fine on my own! Hahaha

Thank you! Texans really are a breed unto themselves! I really just feel so like a fish out of water and like I'm really obviously different.

If my husband was around more it may be easier but he's a musician and by the end of this year we'll only have spent 6 weeks together at home because of his tour schedule. At least if I was in Wales still I'd have friends / family around... Sorry, I'm being a bit pitiful and sorry for myself!

We live in southwest Austin and pay $1,245 for a very standard 1 bedroom apartment (nothing fancy and definitely more than we were paying in the UK for a 2 bedroom). We have one car between us and pay about $75 a month in gas, about $400 a month in groceries for the two of us. Our last electricity bill was $125 (thank you AC!) and gas was $50. I hope that helps!

Hi everyone

Well, I've been here in Texas for 3 months now and I'm still finding it really difficult to adjust. It isn't helped by the fact my husband goes away for weeks at a time for work and we're both new to Austin so no network to speak of.

I guess, for me as a British person in particular, you don't realise how huge the cultural differences will be because we're so exposed to American TV/film/music/literature, we speak the same language, dress similarly etc that you think we're largely the same - we're not!

The people I've met so far have been great, but Texas in particular is very Christian and right wing. We moved to Austin because it's more liberal and has the 'Keep Austin Weird' thing that really appealed to us but so far the people I've met have been taken aback by the fact I'm a left leaning environmentalist with a passion for social justice. There are areas of liberalism, but perhaps just not where we live / I work. People say things to me sometimes and I'm just taken aback at how prejudiced and judgmental they are - it's like 50 years behind Europe in some ways!

The other thing I can't get my head around is how racially segregated things still are in the U.S. There are 'black neighbourhoods' and 'black colleges' and people seem aware of specifically race related characteristics that definitely weren't as front and centre in Cardiff as they are here!

I'm really worried about not doing well at work. I work in the nonprofit sector but was given some feedback recently that I'm not pushy enough and 'too British'! Has anyone else struggled with this kind of adjustment? As it stands right now, I just want to go home!

Hello everyone!

So it's been a very, very busy 2 months since we arrived! I learned to drive, we got an apartment and I've got a lovely job as Executive Director of a non-profit.

I have one question that I'm sure has come up for others so I'm hoping for some advice - how do you build credit? I have a checking, savings and joint account with my husband - our car and apartment lease are in my husband's name because they had to be owing to the fact I hadn't received my SSN by the time we needed them. I've applied for two different cards about a month apart but not been approved.

I don't need the credit so I could happily have a $100 limit or something to start with, I just need to get a start on it because we want to buy our own house next year - the only reason we can't now is because I don't have credit!

Any suggestions?

Thanks so much!

Can anyone point me towards a thread or threads on here that discuss this sort of thing further, want to see what others have done and which services people have used for transferring my savings to the States when I get there.

I've been using Transferwise and they've been flawless so far. I'd definitely recommend them.

I don't have a UK one to use unfortunately. I haven't driven in about 6 years, never needed to coming from a city with fantastic public transport networks!

Hello all

Just arrived in Texas yesterday and I really need to get my drivers license sorted asap. Do I need to wait to receive my SSN / Green Card or will my stamped visa suffice?

Husband is going out of state for work soon and I'm interviewing for jobs so this is getting quite urgent!

You have definitely had a lucky escape here. And believe me, she is not 'the better woman', she's a pushover at best. He might decide he doesn't like the weather in Switzerland and try to take up with a Spanish or Italian woman (heck, why not both?!) and do the same to her in a little while.

DEFINITELY inform DoS and the Jamaican embassy of the situation though.

I'm in a very similar situation. I just moved to the U.S. from the UK this week and I had to leave my son with his Dad.

My husband moved to the UK but just couldn't find work in his (fairly specialist) field there. He was a highly educated person working in a minimum wage, zero hours contract job just because there was literally nothing else. I was then made redundant from my job in the civil service so it made sense.

I have joint custody with my ex husband but my son lived most of the time with him because I worked long hours in a high pressure job and was the main earner when he was born so was the one to work full time while my ex worked fewer hours for childcare. This arrangement has always suited our son and I gave him the option to come with us. I would have loved him to, and I still hold out hope that one day he will. Leaving him was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever had to do but overall this is the right thing.

I will be flying back 3 times a year and we will regularly talk on Skype too. I do strongly believe (in reference to an earlier point) that we get the most criticism for it because of being mothers. Men move away from their children all the time for work, new relationships - even many fathers who are still with the mothers are away from their kids a lot. I know 3 women personally whose husbands work in mining, on an oil rig and in the military and are away at least 75% of the year. They don't seem to get as much of a hard time. So much for gender equality...

What?! So basically he was involved with two people just seeing which visa arrived fastest?! I'm so, so sorry for you and all the heartache you must be feeling. Sounds like you had a lucky escape overall - although I know that will be of little comfort right now!

What does he mean 'she's ok about you'? Like you're supposed to be fine with being used???

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