embarrassed

For the record, I'm 26 and he's turning 60 in a few days. I have not given anyone my contact details, be it my cell number or my house address. I have not even RSVPed to the event because I did want to see how my husband felt about it. Unfortunately, whatever I said came out wrong and it sounded as if I had already made up my mind. If my husband had just quietly voiced his reservations, I would respect that. However, he now wants me out of the house and is telling me to make plans about staying elsewhere. He keeps on saying he can't trust me anymore. I would suggest counseling but he's been against going for it even before we married. I don't know what to do now. He told me to sleep in a separate bedroom yesterday but I slept in the same bed first and he came in later. So at least he didn't wake me up or push me out.

I think I remember you. If I remember right your SIL and your personality just don't match up, you didn't like her cats so I'm sure that didn't help. I also remember some other issues you were having with your expectations of them.

As for the meet up, you have no clue who the person is that you gave personal information too, you have no idea if the person you spoke to is not some nut. Just because he organized it doesn't mean the guy is going to be a safe person to be alone with. Heck I host a party every year for Canada here and the only person who ever contacted me was by email and then we swapped FB info to check each other out. Sure she could of be a psycho but neither of us were ever going to meet up alone.

The whole point of going to group meet ups is to not be alone with a perfect stranger. This is a safety issue and your husband went into the the protector mode. Now he did over react and then turned nasty and that was not called for.

Why did you not even ask your husband if he wanted to go, I mean give him the chance to say no at least?

Ok not the thread I was looking for but this makes more sense of why he acted the way he did. Still not acceptable though.

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/474677-anxiety-about-upcoming-aos-interview-due-to-a-secret/#entry6747944

I did tell my husband yesterday that I knew he wouldn't be interested and he agreed. He says he's perfectly fine not needing to meet new friends and I accept that. But he has had the luxury of knowing the same friends for 15-30 years whereas I'm generally new to the US and am trying to fit in somewhere. And I thought it'll be good to start with people who have been through the same experience of adjustment and transition. Perhaps I should have asked ahead but I don't want to appear as if I'm seeking his permission to make new friends.

Thanks for replying. My answers are in blue.

1. How long have you two been married? I assume not long? But apparently for more than a year apparently?

Since Nov 2013. We've known each other for about 5 years now.

2. Has acted this way before?

This is the first time he has overreacted this much. In fact, he just sent me a text telling me to "make alternate plans" and "hope that you had a productive day making online hook ups". I used to bring up meeting my fellow countrypeople before, and he'd complain that he didn't want to meet strangers but would go anyway.

3. If not, is there some new stress in his life? Maybe related to money? Or work? Both?

The only reason I can think of is that he is hitting the big 6-0. We are comfortable and there are no financial problems.

4. Similar question for the SIL: has her life had some difficulties pop up in the past year? That could explain the change in your relationship with her.

No idea. She seemed happy for us to get married but I think she was offended over little things like me not wanting her cats in bed with me when I was staying over. I don't know what's going on in her mind except that she may be jealous of me for whatever reasons.

5. Any reason why he would start acting insecure/jealous?

He's always been insecure about our age difference. And would tease me if I ever mentioned anyone who is remotely male, be it a grad student, professor or janitor ("I bet he was hitting on you!") I have never done anything to provoke suspicion. I'm not like some wild twenty-something who loves to club and party. I'm more of a homebody. If I'm not at campus, I'm at home with him. And if he's not at home, chances are he's at Home Depot picking out stuff for the house. We generally spend all our free time together.

Maybe you should explain meetup.com to him, show him the group page, etc. Maybe see if a female can provide you a ride. Just a couple suggestions.

He's already been to the site and actually checked out the organizer's profile page. But he still thinks it's for hook ups! I have no idea how to talk sense into him. I can't believe he's threatening to divorce me over this

This is going to sound so bizarre but I'll start anyway. My husband and I live in a sprawling suburban area. He's the USC and I'm the non-USC spouse. I am attending grad school and been doing well on that end. However, it's also summertime now and many of the people I know aren't on campus and many of my compatriots are in my home country. At the same time, the only people my husband and I see are his sister and her husband. My SIL and I used to have a rapport but my relationship with her has deteriorated over the past year for no obvious reasons. She does not acknowledge me or even thanks me for inviting her to join us at events and our conversations are transactional in nature ("Embarrassed, when was the last time we went to XYZ?" "I think last July" "Oh, that's right"). My husband knows and acknowledges that his sister is a b**** but keeps on telling me to "be the bigger person". He has only gone out of his way once to let her know that I was offended by her behavior last year but she just pretends like nothing has happened between us. Naturally, I feel invisible and decide to take matters into my hands. I joined Meetup.com to connect with other internationals like myself and it turns out that one of the groups is having a meet-and-greet this Sunday. Since I don't have a vehicle of my own (husband and I commute and he picks me up), I asked if I could carpool with anyone because the venue would be quite a drive for my husband and he isn't the socializing type. I just thought I didn't want to trouble my husband since this was going to be my thing. The organizer kindly replied that he wouldn't mind giving me a ride and I was happy thinking that yay, someone is willing to carpool! Unfortunately, I conveyed all this to my husband and it blows up in my face because he's upset that I would even think about joining a "hook-up service" and that I would get into a car with a guy whom I've never met to go somewhere where I've never been. My husband tells me there must be something missing in my life that I am doing this and when I tell him he's being insecure, he says he's pissed off because he doesn't know what my intentions are, and that his sister was right all along about me being a gold-digger etc. And I'm like, "Seriously, she said that?" and he goes, "No, but she suspected you in the beginning and so you deserve her treatment!" As you can tell, this has blown up in my face for no good reason. I have changed my mind about going to the meetup but my husband says even if I'm not going, he doesn't want to spend Sunday with me at all. He says he couldn't care less if I don't come home. And that I ruined his upcoming birthday because of this. For reference, there is a sizeable age difference between us which might contribute to his behavior but I am hoping that rationality will prevail. I just feel so bad that he is upset by this and I honestly thought he'd be supportive cos I really just want to widen my social circle with people who share my experience. It just didn't occur to me that he'd be freaked out by someone giving me a ride just because it's a guy and I don't know him. Any kind words?

You will be consumed until you come clean. Lying to your husband is not the way to proceed in your marriage. You shouldn't be ashamed of your name or your aunt even. She is the way she is. She isn't you and you aren't her. She doesn't speak for all Muslims, by the way, either. Everyone has a nutty relative. However, if your husband is anti-Muslim and you are agreeing with him about that, I can see why you are having such a hard time coming clean. Anyway, if religion isn't a part of your current life, why does it matter what your family does? Here in this country, we all have our own opinions and many people have families made up of various beliefs on religion. Some are very religious, while others are atheists. People can be different religions in the same family. It isn't the big deal here as it is in some other countries. If you explain to your husband what you have felt in your life and how it has impacted you, and why you have changed your name, he should be able to understand because he loves you.

Thank you Golden Gate. Your line about everyone having a nutty relative cracked me up! I would not say that my husband is anti-Muslim, but yes, we have both made terrible remarks about Muslims being the source of crazy airline security checks (I once had a brand new aerosol container of sunscreen dumped by a Muslim airport officer because I couldn't bring it on the plane, and I bitched to my bestie via text about it). To answer your question, it doesn't matter what my family does, but because they identified as Muslim, I ended up being identified as Muslim too...and I didn't even have a say in that, which pisses me off. If I hadn't been born to them, I wouldn't have to go to lengths to conceal a name which I hated. On some level, I just don't want my husband to think differently of me, because I really didn't have a choice, it was imposed on me, and I just hope he would understand that

Put yourself in his shoes. What would you think if your fiancé had done the same to you? Having kept it a secret this long, it might make him wonder what else you are hiding about yourself. (not saying you have)

That's the problem- I don't think it'd make him feel any better should he know now! Although I wonder if the USCIS folks do mention it, and he goes, "Huh, what?"..then would they think that we are not bona fide? That would be one compelling reason to reveal my past, but otherwise I still rather he not know, if given a choice. I changed my name precisely because I didn't want people to know me by my original name. Telling him I used to be "Embarrassed Binte Abdullah" contradicts that.

I have recently gotten my AOS notice to appear for an interview with my husband. My secret would sound a little silly to some people but it means a great deal to me. I had a deed poll done on my 21st birthday because I did not want to associate myself with my family's Muslim identity. Where I'm from, children are automatically assigned to the religion of their parents, which they can only "change" at the age of 21. Same goes for name changes too. A little context about how I grew up- I was born out of wedlock (never met my dad), and was raised by my mother's sister (they hate each other but are staying in the same apartment for lack of choice). I did not have a religious upbringing- completely secular education in school, and my aunt was too preoccupied with bread-and-butter issues.

For some reason, when I was around 18, my aunt started turning into a religious fanatic. I say that, because she started imposing her beliefs on me, and wanted to me to learn Quran verses, not let me out of the flat unless she recited something from the Quran, hanging up Quran verses everywhere in the house etc. Life for me became even more uncomfortable at home, because it wasn't as if religion cured her depression or anger management issues. I have always cringed whenever I heard my full original Muslim-sounding name, and have always wanted to change it for the longest time. So I did that on the very day that I could. I didn't even tell my aunt but she spotted my new ID the following month. Needless to say, she harassed me about it- not because it no longer sounded Muslim, but because I'd taken on a plant name for my last name! She's gotten over it though. Besides her, only friends from my senior high school know about my original name. The name that I've changed to has followed me since, and it is the only name my husband knows me by. He's asked me many times over the years about where my last name comes from, and I just can't bring myself to tell him about this.

I've worried about my secret since before we started on the K-1. But I took on assembling the package for the K-1 while I was in the US, and before I left, I slipped a copy of the deed poll into an envelope and clipped it to the photos packet. I had included my old name under "Other names used" for all the forms, and was hoping that he wouldn't go through the package. He just brought it to the USPS folks. Months later, he told me that we received an RFE, which worried me because I didn't know if it would ask for proof for change of name etc., knowing how USCIS screws up sometimes. The RFE was about a certified copy which he didn't provide, so phew! When the actual interview came up in my home country, I did show them my birth certificate and deed poll, and no one asked me any further questions. Even for the AOS, I managed to photocopy my birth certificate in secret at home, and he didn't check the package either.

My concern is that for the AOS interview, when we will be interviewed together, that this secret will come to light if they ask for birth certificates. I'm hoping that they won't. But then again, I know that they already have all the copies on file, so they might just mention it in front of my husband. He's already met my aunt once, who came to Starbucks, in full headgear. She didn't tell him anything, and he didn't ask. Later he did ask me, "She dresses like those Muslim women.." and I told him it's an Indian thing (her father was half-Indian), and he's like, "Oh, ok".

The one time he came really close to knowing, was when he picked up an old PO Box authorization card of mine which was set up in my old name. I snatched it from him, to his surprise (I panicked!), and he asked if I was leading a double life. I convinced him that they mistook another 'embarrassed' for me, and that they didn't bother reprinting it. I'm already terribly embarrassed about my aunt ("I knew from my meeting with her, that she's obviously got a screw loose..but she's nice" How comforting!) that it took me the longest time to allow them to meet (under the condition that she was not to reveal anything). Because of the AOS interview, I don't know if I can continue keeping this a secret. I don't want him thinking that I've been lying to him all that this while because he has asked if my name was on my BC and if I had added the first name he knew me by ("Did you always have that name or did you change it?"). I incorporated that name into the middle portion of my current name.

I know a lot of people will advise to just come clean, but obviously, I still want to keep this a secret! It's a complex issue for me, and I just needed to get this off my chest. I welcome any constructive thoughts and feedback- this has been consuming me...