sailormoon01

I will say it again: good men are hard to come by anywhere in the world.

I reiterate it because, OP, you keep insisting that this behavior is typical of men of a certain ethic or religious group. You think that people of this certain ethic or religious group are the most hardened in their beliefs of anyone and that they expect their mates of a different culture to assimilate without question. Your words, my summary.

The things your husband did to you are not exclusive to any ethnicity or race or nationality. I have a particular understanding of this because I am a longtime volunteer with rape crisis centers and battered women's shelters here in Brooklyn. I know women who were abused in ways you can't imagine for most of their lifetimes. One woman comes to mind - every single man who ever entered her life abused her in some way. Her father raped her from age 8 to 15. Her long-time boyfriend beat her every day and when she was pregnant he threw her out a window and fractured her hip. Her brother got her oldest daughter addicted to crack. Her more recent husband beats her, cheats on her, and ruined her credit. She was 45 years old before she started to reclaim her life for herself. Her background or her abusers' backgrounds are irrelevant though for the record they are varied. She could have let the anguish and anger swallow her whole but she didn't. She mentors younger women nowadays and tries to teach them about healthy relationships and self-esteem. She teaches taking responsibility and control rather than wallow in victimhood. You can never expect abusers to change - you're the one that has to.

Tangent aside... You may think you are a catch objectively but I have my doubts about your self-confidence. Abusive relationships can happen to anyone and don't think badly about yourself for falling prey to one. Abusers cannot be pigeonholed into categories like ethnicity, religion, class, creed or sexuality because they come from all walks of life. You should really take that to heart in the future, so that you don't become a victim again. Wasting this time over the last few days deriding all Arab or Muslim guys is doing you a disservice because it's not helping you move forward. Your weekend could have been better spent doing something for yourself. Seek support in getting through your divorce so that the anger doesn't consume you. Life goes on and you have a right to get back on track.

I'm not angry at all. I just don't appreciate the ignorant comments and attacks on my character. I am actually very content at this point and excited to be starting my single life again. I was sad and angry this winter. Now, I am completely over it and I can talk to him on the phone civilly without even caring. The thing is I AM INDIFFERENT NOW!! You and the other women on here obviously have self esteem issues to attack anybody that says anything about MENA men. If you are comfortable in your relationships, why care what anybody else has to say or why read the negative stories??? I know because I used to do the same before my relationship fell apart. I would attack every woman who had a negative story or tried to warn me. I used to say the same would never happen to me and that the bad relationship was her fault.

Coexist? LOL, Wow, you need extreme help with your dark sarcasm. Get better soon. I come from a country where there are North Africans everywhere and we never even think about stuff such as someone's religion. I do have a right to my own personal preferences though and to have a partner who respects my beliefs as I respect his. This thread obviously pissed you off and got you where it hurts. True love accepts whoever you are as long as you are not hurting yourself or others. Comparing a thuggish motorcycle club to returning to Christianity or whatever religion the women here were born into? Really?? This might be my last response to you. You must be very young and immature. You are obviously closed minded. Be yourself from the beginning? Did you ever hear about people changing their minds?? Maybe they were themselves from the beginning, but they simply decided to change.

The fact that you have to swear is also really sad. I haven't swore once. You are truly an angry young woman unable to accept anybody with a different opinion from your own.

OMG, wishing people ramadan karim, there's a game changer. I didn't realize we were dealing with someone who hands out ramadan karims. Why didn't you say so from the beginning?! Don't tell me you have one of those "coexist"

stickers on your car too!!

Anytime anyone, Muslim or not, makes a drastic lifestyle change or radical departure from formerly held religious or non religious beliefs there is always going to be a possibility that this departure may be unpalatable to their spouse or SO. If my husband started hanging out in bars or joined a thuggish motorcycle club, I wouldn't stay with him. Why would he be obligated to stick with me if I suddenly, randomly embraced unpalatable to him lifestyle choices and behaviors? It's less a MENA thing than a be yourself from the very beginning with your spouse and don't paint yourself as someone you're not. And neither should either partner expect to change each other in fundamental ways.

I'm missing how your sh1tty husband's behaviors means that no matter what, myself and everyone else here married to guys from MENA who aren't MENA themselves will never be part of their husband's inner circle, whatever that means. Your ####### hasn't kept me and my children from being as close to my husband as his own blood, in every possible way, and I know way too many people here in the exact same situation to believe it is any kind of anomaly. Your getting ####### doesn't mean everyone else got it too.

Coexist? LOL, Wow, you need extreme help with your dark sarcasm. Get better soon. I come from a country where there are North Africans everywhere and we never even think about stuff such as someone's religion. I do have a right to my own personal preferences though and to have a partner who respects my beliefs as I respect his. This thread obviously pissed you off and got you where it hurts. True love accepts whoever you are as long as you are not hurting yourself or others. Comparing a thuggish motorcycle club to returning to Christianity or whatever religion the women here were born into? Really?? This might be my last response to you. You must be very young and immature. You are obviously closed minded. Be yourself from the beginning? Did you ever hear about people changing their minds?? Maybe they were themselves from the beginning, but they simply decided to change.

Doh, there it is again.

What's funny is that over the years, the very same people you've ranted and railed against in this thread have had countless discussions here about things to look out for in imported fiances and husbands, what signs or red flags could exist in MENA, things that look like American women are being majorly scammed or treated crappy or second rate by MENA people and allllll that, but without all of the ethno-religious baiting bs you flung out here from the very beginning. Whatever points you wanted to make, or experiences you wanted to share were irrevocably tainted by your own ####### you chose to spew all over your posts. Sorry you picked the wrong place for that particular kind of baiting, and had the misfortune of dumping it where some people don't swallow that brand of #######. You might find some better camaraderie on those Daniel Pipes forums. Best of luck!

Can you honestly say if women on here left Islam or resisted the religion and/or culture in some way that their husbands would stay with them? However, as I said before, convert or no convert, it doesn't matter. Nobody can change that they grew up as Westerners. Women who grew up as Westerners (with the exception of those from actual MENA backgrounds who grew up in the USA) will never be part of their husband's inner circle in the way a wife from his own background would be.

Doh, there it is again.

What's funny is that over the years, the very same people you've ranted and railed against in this thread have had countless discussions here about things to look out for in imported fiances and husbands, what signs or red flags could exist in MENA, things that look like American women are being majorly scammed or treated crappy or second rate by MENA people and allllll that, but without all of the ethno-religious baiting bs you flung out here from the very beginning. Whatever points you wanted to make, or experiences you wanted to share were irrevocably tainted by your own ####### you chose to spew all over your posts. Sorry you picked the wrong place for that particular kind of baiting, and had the misfortune of dumping it where some people don't swallow that brand of #######. You might find some better camaraderie on those Daniel Pipes forums. Best of luck!

I am the furthest thing from an Islamophobe or a racist. I respect all people and I wished every Muslim person I came across a "Ramadan Karim" when Ramadan started a week or more ago. Simply, I am a realist. Only a fool would deny or ignore that there are clear differences between cultures and that no obstacles exist. Ultimately, in many MENA cultures it is very important that the kids follow the father. You can't deny that. Many men marry wives and want them to follow them in every way, including but not limited to religion and political beliefs. Some women are cool with following the husband 100 percent. Many women can't accept this. The ones who stand up for themselves and/or resist from following 100 percent or even question anything about the culture or religion are usually the ones who end up being victims to violence.

Dear lady friend,

I'm sorry of your troubles, but speaking from a mans point of view and of a different culture than my wife, I'm very happy to say, I am not one of those many men you speak of. I wish you not think of us MENA men like troubled people with only green cards in our mind. You seem young and a bit immature to come here and speak so terribly about us. Have you considered maybe you are apart of the problem, I personally think you thought you could change him once you got him here with ultimatums and that didn't go so well. Your written communication here is hostile and I only imagine how the two of you communicated when a problem came up if you cannot take the criticism here. Trust me, I learned the hard way here and have tried very hard to learn from my mistakes when speaking. My English is good but I find hard to write how I want to speak here.

I would never ask my wife to do anything like convert to Islam, actually, nothing that she didn't want to experience. We have been together more years than you have college years plus some, so your degrees are not important to me. What is important to me, is that you please don't generalize your sloppy marriage to mine which I adore every day and my soon to be baby girls that I work so hard to make sure they come into this world with love and peace.

I'm a happy peaceful MENA man with love to my wife and family.

I gave him no ultimatums. I know my family and me let this man do what he wanted and we gave him a big house to live in and all the freedom in the world. You are nobody to call somebody else "sloppy" and again, I am one girl in thousands who has had an awful experience with a MENA man. I love how you write that you are sorry for my troubles and then proceed to insult me. A man who only looks for Western women online is out for only a greencard and nothing more. Do some of these men eventually fall in love with their wives? Yes, but their original intent was always to come to the USA. A woman is blind to believe her being an American had NOTHING to do with the attraction. At the end of the day, I am happy to end this nightmare because I realize I deserve a lot more than a man who originally sought me out because of my passport.

I went through almost the exact same thing and my husband never laid a hand on me. He was a scammer from minute one and was an expert at hiding it. I believe he comes from a good family but the point remains, many of these men are EXPERTS at what they do and rarely do they operate alone. Typically they are being coached by family and/or friends who teach them how to get done what they want to get done. My husband got his citizenship April 24th, my daughter turned 18 on May 16th and he made a pass at her on May 30th. Needless to say, he was out the door that day. There were no "warning signs" with us. He came from an upper middle class family, was a teacher, never married before and no kids. He turned out to be the scammer supreme. Poll the women you meet on here and in 5 years 90% of the marriages will be non-existent. There's a reason the embassies look at these marriage closely, because most of them are fraudulent.

AMEN! My ex was coached by both friends and family. I also strongly believe that if the guy isn't a bad apple to start off with, he becomes one through other people. I find that MENA men are a lot more easily influenced by friends and family than any other guy would be. Not to say I haven't met Western mamma's boys or guys obsessed with their bros.

It's sweet that so many people have tried to reason with this nonsense, and really telling about how kind and patient so many MENA contributors are. But getting through to the op and their ####### has been Sisyphean since the first page. Convincing one's self that everyone around them is covered in the same ####### they got covered in, or will be soon, to cope with the mess their life has become is certainly easier. And she seems to be having fun with it. I haven't heard such badas$ digs since middle school anyways.

Again, I NEVER once tried to convince anybody on here that their story is the same. You must have insecurities to believe I was implying that. I was referring to my story since OP and then defending MYSELF against the backlash I received when people try to say culture had ZERO to do with it. Culture does define our behaviors and influence us in many ways, whether we want to admit it or not. You have been the most hostile in this entire thread. AGAIN, I NEVER POINTED ANYBODY OUT. I WAS TALKING ABOUT MYSELF AND THE HUNDREDS AND THOUSANDS OF OTHER STORIES ONLINE THAT ARE EXTREMELY SIMILAR TO MINE!!!!

I agree with Sandinista....trying to reason with someone like the OP is folly. Her frequent mentions of her "attractiveness to western men", extensive education, and cultural savvy, are nothing more than a sad, and desperate attempt to set herself above us all, and give herself credibility and authority...a vain grasping attempt to conceal tragic insecurities that are glaringly obvious to everyone but her. "Methinks thou doth profess too much." She is desperate to validate her bad choice, by laying full blame on all MENA men. And anyone who has received one of her delightfully venomous replies, surely can sense that perhaps there is much more to this "tragic" tale, that just a scummy husband who went awol. At first it was the lowlife scammer "sometimes abuser" that left her to live and do business with some old man....then suddenly she was the confident champion who could have stayed with him, but chose to leave him. With each story change I am more confident that the we are not actually getting the real story at all.

I'm sure its enraging have her theory shattered. A theory which I'm sure at one time probably made her feel better, and less foolish. The theory is that "the majority" of MENA relationships are as dysfunctional as hers was. It must be awful to learn that in fact, it was actually your own poor choice that landed you a bad egg, and not be able to blame MENA men in general. Because as long as she came blame the lot of them, then she doesn't have to acknowledge that perhaps she was just foolish, and made a rotten choice for a husband. Misery loves company. And I'm sure our stories, and our wonderful, good MENA husbands & relationships must just irk her to the core....hence the defensive lashing out, and desperate attempts to belittle and discredit everyone who disagrees with her. I think the nature of the OP's replies (and original post to begin with) gives us more insight than anything to the truth behind the words ....if you catch my drift.

Also, God bless you if you have a positive relationship with a MENA man and if that relationship lasts forever. I, personally would never ever get involved with a MENA man again or any man from outside my ethnic background.

I agree with Sandinista....trying to reason with someone like the OP is folly. Her frequent mentions of her "attractiveness to western men", extensive education, and cultural savvy, are nothing more than a sad, and desperate attempt to set herself above us all, and give herself credibility and authority...a vain grasping attempt to conceal tragic insecurities that are glaringly obvious to everyone but her. "Methinks thou doth profess too much." She is desperate to validate her bad choice, by laying full blame on all MENA men. And anyone who has received one of her delightfully venomous replies, surely can sense that perhaps there is much more to this "tragic" tale, that just a scummy husband who went awol. At first it was the lowlife scammer "sometimes abuser" that left her to live and do business with some old man....then suddenly she was the confident champion who could have stayed with him, but chose to leave him. With each story change I am more confident that the we are not actually getting the real story at all.

I'm sure its enraging have her theory shattered. A theory which I'm sure at one time probably made her feel better, and less foolish. The theory is that "the majority" of MENA relationships are as dysfunctional as hers was. It must be awful to learn that in fact, it was actually your own poor choice that landed you a bad egg, and not be able to blame MENA men in general. Because as long as she came blame the lot of them, then she doesn't have to acknowledge that perhaps she was just foolish, and made a rotten choice for a husband. Misery loves company. And I'm sure our stories, and our wonderful, good MENA husbands & relationships must just irk her to the core....hence the defensive lashing out, and desperate attempts to belittle and discredit everyone who disagrees with her. I think the nature of the OP's replies (and original post to begin with) gives us more insight than anything to the truth behind the words ....if you catch my drift.

My husband left and treated me bad because I did defend myself and stand up for myself. He even offered me that he would come back and gave me all these ultimatums. I am the one who ultimately said "no" because I can do better than a guy who leaves me for some old dude that sexually harassed me. Finally, I was never trying to put myself above anybody in my OP. Anybody with half a brain can understand what I meant about not falling into the typical category of either an older woman, being extremely overweight, or frumpy. I was trying to say that I wasn't the type of woman that didn't have options when it came to men. It is not a theory. There are hundreds of other stories online. They all started off lovely and turned into nightmares, some a year down the line and some 20 years down the line. Research online. Then, go and attack those women the same way you attack me.

By your guidelines? You've done nothing but beat people over the head here with your ideals for living which are hardly universal, and in many examples have said downright bigoted things about Arabs and Muslims in the name of advancing your ideals which plenty of people don't give a damn about. Zidane's kids' names are not at the forefront of most people's priorities in navigating inter-cultural and in many cases inter-religious relationships. Out of all the big picture stuff, that is many times discussed here with all kinds of intelligent and nuanced perspectives, your harping about the stupid ####### you've been harping about has turned you into a joke. Pitiful, and silly. Which isn't what you wanted, but people have responded to what you gave them.

I feel awful for you because I haven't said one bad word about Islam or Muslims. I am just acknowledging the reality and complexity that comes with these relationships. Either way, anybody who completely changes the identity they are born with has serious issues, whether they change for a MENA man or any reason. Just saying.

Saying we have all changed for our husbands, saying we are insecure in our relationships, calling someone "genius," and calling people bitter and pathetic-- you're right, that is not an attack at all.

OK, I'll toss a country out there for you. Italy. Italian identity. Italian culture. You really should consider some basic history...

So true.

I said you were all insecure after I was attacked as stereotyping and generalizing. I called her "genius" after she attacked and assumed things about me. I don't have to explain myself. I actually am Italian and I just got back from Italy. All Italians will tell you how new "American" culture is when compared to Italian culture. Historically, we are multicultural in Italy from Albanian and Greek communities in the South and even North African influences to many Germanic influences through out the country and of course Roman culture. We also have many recent immigrants through out Italy. The fact remains, we are united by a unique cultural background and most of us adhere to Roman Catholicism (unlike the USA where there is no dominant religion). We are connected by Latin culture and share a bond with countries who also speak the Romance languages and/or are united by the Roman Catholic Church like Spain, France, Portugal, and even Romania. Latin culture of course extends to the Americas in Spanish speaking countries and Brazil. You can't compare culture in Europe to culture in the USA. I am not saying the USA is less than Europe, but it is very multidimensional and multicultural and "mixed" when compared to European countries that have more of a defined national identity. I also have many problems with Italian men and I will be the first to say that many of them do not respect women. Does that mean I don't like Italian guys? Of course not. I love them, but they just have different ways of interacting with women than I am used to growing up in the USA where men are not as forward as Italian men. I have traveled in over 15 different countries and I appreciate all cultures, but there are obvious norms we can't ignore for the sake of being PC.

I wonder if Zidane welcomes his wife home with a kiss or "coup de boule?" I'm sure it doesn't matter because he let her give their kids real names... Not crappy algerian muslim names like his.

No name is less than any other name. I am just referring to this man's open mindedness to go against tradition and do what his wife wants.

I like that it's not good enough that I wanted to marry a guy that's Muslim like I already was, because some people like that kind of agreement and arrangement, but he needs to be more like an Algerian soccer player who married a woman who is not Muslim and they have their own way of raising their kids THAT ALL THE MENA SHOULD ASPIRE TO even if no one in the couple isn't Muslim. Nevermind MY Muslimy Muslimness or my Muslimy Muslim husband letting me name our daughter whatever I wanted, I didn't name her something American so now I'm some big spineless jellyfish.

Wow, you are both very one sided. I am trying to say that a man who really truly loves a woman will realize that kids are usually what there mother is!!!! This is why we use terms like "motherland". LOL. Zidane is a good man for not worrying about pride and tradition (as most MENA men seem to do) and just compromising with his wive's culture, as marriage should be a compromise NOT about going completely to one side.

It's sweet that so many people have tried to reason with this nonsense, and really telling about how kind and patient so many MENA contributors are. But getting through to the op and their ####### has been Sisyphean since the first page. Convincing one's self that everyone around them is covered in the same ####### they got covered in, or will be soon, to cope with the mess their life has become is certainly easier. And she seems to be having fun with it. I haven't heard such badas$ digs since middle school anyways.

How about minding your own business and avoiding the thread if it bothers you??

I'm actually not bitter or pathetic, but you have decided that everyone who misinterpreted your unclear statement is in fact bitter/attacking you. That advice was from Creative Writing. I didn't think my professor at the time was bitter and pathetic.

What did you want from people? People expressed their condolences for your situation, then focused on the person present in this thread-- you. They saw a potential problem and thought that they could help by helping you to see the same problem. It's clearly not going to work, as you're really immature in your ability to take criticism or assistance. You need to consider this as you go through law school. Clarity of thought in writing, ability to not fly into personal attacks, not making assumptions without evidence, and ability to not be hampered by your personal beleifs and prejudices seem like areas of issue for you.

Re-reading the thread, it reads like you wrote X, then people respond with Y, and you come out swinging and calling everyone bitter, pathetic, and insecure because they disagree. That reads like a tantrum. You make a LOT of assumptions about everyone in here.

Its so funny because immediately I was attacked as judging you guys and your stories when I never pointed out any individual on this thread or attacked anybody's relationships. I just pointed out problems which are widespread in many (but not all) MENA/Western relationships.

Well, I tried. The above only shows your total ignorance and prejudice about all cultures and peoples. It floors me that you think other cultures are so unified and that there is no American culture... or that America is particularly young in comparison to other nations. You maybe need to take a step back from your own socialization and consider the facts on the ground. Pick any other country and examine it against your statements.

America (not just the US but all of the Americas) are often referred to as the New World. Besides for the original indigenous cultures of the countries here, we are new.

If the man asks, it's still the woman who says "yes" or "no" (I'm actually the one who first suggested marriage in my case). It doesn't matter who asks anyway, you both still married each other.

At least you admit that you were: blinded by lust, naive, and lonely - and fell for his ruse. That's a promising sign. Yes, he's a jerk who took advantage of you - no one is disputing that (as far as I've seen). But we can't change a-holes. All we can do is protect ourselves. I don't think anyone here is 'blaming' you - we're just saying that you fell for him for whatever reason, and if you figure out how to prevent that in the future, then you'll be better off. It's much easier to 'warn' others than figure out how to 'warn' ourselves sometimes. Trust me, I look back at my first marriage and can't believe how stupid I was! I'm just happy I didn't repeat my mistakes (we can't change the past).

I think the over-the-top courting would've been a red flag to me. When a man tries to dazzle a woman, I can't help but wonder what (if anything) he's trying to hide. Kind of along the line of "if it seems too good to be true...." Not saying a man can't spend money on a woman, but if that's how he 'makes' her fall for him, then there could be a problem. I fell in love with my husband's heart, his consideration for me and my feelings, and the way he treated me (without money). Yes, the visa is an additional risk, which is why I made sure to carefully listen to what he did (and did not) say, and how he felt about different things. Most importantly, I am aware of his strengths and weaknesses. No one's perfect, but we have to decide what flaws we can and cannot tolerate, and we need to be realistic about what we are/are not, and what our spouses are/are not.

Best of luck to all of us!

Your dad is still financially responsible for him.

Also, I have made peace with the culture. Before I couldn't listen to Arabic music or even hear the language without crying. Now, I can enjoy the music and even speak the language with other people and not feel the least bit bad or bitter. I am just trying to say that being with a MENA man is more likely to bring a whole different set of issues to a relationship that are less likely (although not impossible) to be present with a man from any other culture. It doesn't mean that MENA men are the only abusive men or that there are not nice MENA men, as I stated in my original post, if you have a positive story or relationship with a MENA man, then your story is equally important. However, to ignore other people and dismiss them as being wrong for truly looking at the situation for what it is, is stupid.

If the man asks, it's still the woman who says "yes" or "no" (I'm actually the one who first suggested marriage in my case). It doesn't matter who asks anyway, you both still married each other.

At least you admit that you were: blinded by lust, naive, and lonely - and fell for his ruse. That's a promising sign. Yes, he's a jerk who took advantage of you - no one is disputing that (as far as I've seen). But we can't change a-holes. All we can do is protect ourselves. I don't think anyone here is 'blaming' you - we're just saying that you fell for him for whatever reason, and if you figure out how to prevent that in the future, then you'll be better off. It's much easier to 'warn' others than figure out how to 'warn' ourselves sometimes. Trust me, I look back at my first marriage and can't believe how stupid I was! I'm just happy I didn't repeat my mistakes (we can't change the past).

I think the over-the-top courting would've been a red flag to me. When a man tries to dazzle a woman, I can't help but wonder what (if anything) he's trying to hide. Kind of along the line of "if it seems too good to be true...." Not saying a man can't spend money on a woman, but if that's how he 'makes' her fall for him, then there could be a problem. I fell in love with my husband's heart, his consideration for me and my feelings, and the way he treated me (without money). Yes, the visa is an additional risk, which is why I made sure to carefully listen to what he did (and did not) say, and how he felt about different things. Most importantly, I am aware of his strengths and weaknesses. No one's perfect, but we have to decide what flaws we can and cannot tolerate, and we need to be realistic about what we are/are not, and what our spouses are/are not.

Best of luck to all of us!

Your dad is still financially responsible for him.

Obviously I did figure myself out thats why I left and thats why I am alerting USCIS about everything that has happened and getting a divorce. Even if I left too late, at least I was smart to leave the relationship eventually which is more than what I can say for women on here. He is not accepting any type of welfare, so nice try with my dad. I'm happy I don't have kids and I can easily move on. I wish everybody else the best in their endeavors and in realizing why they have to be so nasty in attacking a woman they do NOT know. I have the right to my own opinion even if it is not very PC and I am not the only one who shares the opinion about MENA men. Wish they could all be like Zidane, maybe the world would be a better place. Zidane who allows his kids to have whatever name his Christian Euro wife wants and doesn't force religion.

It is unproductive to be angry with people just because you cannot write in a clear manner. Chances are if everyone misinterprets something, then it's the writer's fault. Also, if it was after it still does change the fact that you should have canceled the petition.

Bitter and pathetic much??? Insulting writing style. Maybe you need to improve your comprehension skills???

No one is blaming you for being abused. But the bottom line is, you alone bear the responsibility for continuing a petition for a man who physically abused you. That's not BLAME, but it is the truth. Your job, imo, is to figure out WHY you did that.

I must admit I read the abuse as having been prior to marriage. It was a bit vague. But ok, you were married when it started but it was before he came here.

No one is 'at fault' for being a victim/survivor of physical abuse....HOWEVER, you need to figure out how you rationalized it as being acceptable enough to get past it, and not immediately canceling his petition. We all tend to ignore warning signs...some more dire than others. This was a big one for you, and I believe your path should involve getting the root of how you were able to ignore this. For your own peace of mind, I suggest focusing on that so you don't repeat a similar pattern in future.

However, he didn't scam/assault/whatever you because he was from MENA. You're bootstrapping (imo) as way of dealing with this in a way that I don't think is fair to yourself, to truly be able to put this behind you. I see you clutching at straws....'I'm not fat, I'm not ugly, I converted, I did blah blah blah'. It's not formulaic...none of those reasons will help you really put this to bed and deal with it. It's not as if any of these listed reasons could or would justify what happened to you.

Again, I wish you well and I'm very sorry you had to go through this. I hope you can see that I'm not posting here to 'pile up' on you, rather to offer you another perspective, that I feel will *truly* help you on the road to healing.

Thank you very much. I have figured myself out, which is why I had the courage to post on here, despite the fact that I knew I would get flooded with notifications from angry, insecure women trying to rationalize what happened to me as being a problem with me. I left the relationship, have moved on with my life, and I am attending law school in addition to having a ba and a masters. Think I am doing pretty good despite what happened to me. I am NOT the only woman this has happened to and I won't be the last. Most lawyers will even tell you this stuff is common with men from the MENA region and that they prey on insecure women. I am happy I got myself out of that bind and found myself again.

I know a woman whose husband changed (drastically) after 20+ years of marriage. They're both "white Americans".

I am not surprised or too angered by the comments on here. I used to say the same to women who told me their stories about MENA men. I used to tell them that they were stereotyping and that not all men are the same until I seen how all of our stories are virtually the same in one way or another. It is easy to blame the woman and to keep telling yourself the downfall of the relationship or the fact that she ended up with a bad guy has to do with some personality flaw or emotional problem, but the truth is anybody can fall victim. Are there abusive non-MENA husbands? Of course. However, the thing is that most of the Western men who screw women over know they are wrong. They know what they are doing is not acceptable. On the other hand, MENA men will try to justify their behavior and unfortunately many of them use Islam as a scapegoat, truly believing God will not punish them for their actions. Am I saying all Muslims and/or MENA men are bad? No, but there are MANY who twist and use the religion to justify their bad behavior and this is fairly common among men looking for green cards. Many of them believe God will reward them for hurting infidel Western women. Sorry to break it to everybody.

Maybe the abuse started after marriage but you still brought him to the US. You would have been out filing fees and the cost of a divorce had you left his butt in Lebanon. Now he's in another state with a man who harrassed you while your dad is on the hook for the AOS. You have to see some responsibility in this part of your situation, right? This is what everyone is saying. Until you realize this, you'll continue to find yourself in similar relationships regardless of what country they come from.

He paid for everything.

I'm done with going back and forth but re-read your original post. Good luck with everything. For what it's worth, I wasn't attacking you. I was encouraging you to figure out your own stuff so you don't repeat a pattern. You on the other hand made tons of assumptions and snide comments about the posters who don't agree with you. Take care and good luck.

Excuse me, or you are assuming things? First off you and the other posters have tried to justify the bad behavior done to me by painting me as the one with a problem, rather than looking at the situation for what it really is, a man who was a scam artist and played in my head, as dozens of other men have done on here to other women. You guys paint the woman as the culprit as a defense mechanism to convince yourself that the same won't happen to you because you are "mentally stable" and able to choose a good partner. Good luck. Remember that princes can turn into frogs overnight. Mwahhhh

As a general comment, religion should be a very personal and serious choice one makes with his/her God. It should never be about choosing a religion for your SO. It should never be about doing it for someone else...it's not like getting a new haircut to entice your husband.

I am sorry that this happened to you, my heart goes out to you. I would probably have never commented had your topic been as you stated in your OP 'this is not universal but this is my truth'...yet the posts are filled with multiple generalizations and just look at the title you chose. This is not the first time a topic like this has been on here, and I would suggest you think back to the you of yesterday, and imagine how receptive you would have been to reading something like this. It seems like your intentions are innocent...you're just trying to 'warn' people...but at the end of the day, it's NOT a universal truth of MENA. You're not Martin Bashir with some groundbreaking expose that's gonna blow US/MENA marriages 'wide open'.

I think if you want to help women, a universal truth definitely is that if a man physically abuses you, you should not marry him. There is no excuse for that, but that is not exclusive to MENA men. Or even if you want to focus on never losing yourself in a man, no matter what the nationality....by blindly adopting his views, by excusing reprehensible behavior with thoughts like 'oh it's cultural'. Many women have lost themselves to some degree to men, and there are many horror stories out there...and guess what? Not all those men are of MENA origin.

I wish you well.

I am not trying to blow anything wide open. Just trying to share and express my views and hopefully anybody who has any doubts about their own relationship and the sacrifices they made can make some sense of their problems like I made sense of mine. Thanks

You're flipping your own script. Go back and read your original post and when you noted the physical abuse started.

Didn't say there are not difficult issues in inter cultural relationships. I said that if you blame them on your issues you and ignore that you married an abusive man you will likely repeat that pattern. Nobody here wants to see a woman be abused. Ergo, why I encouraged you to look at that aspect of your choices.

Before I married him, there was NO abuse so don't say I married an abusive man. Why don't you become secure in your own relationship and stop attacking anybody who tells their story or doesn't agree that the majority of MENA men have good intentions. Its like you subconsciously know what I am saying is the truth and you want to fight it because you think that by downing every woman who has a bad story or making it seem like it was HER problem, you are preventing the same from happening to you.

Although your degree in International Relations, is no doubt as impressive as the fact that you were "an attractive girl who got lots of Western guy's attention and did not fall into the stereotype of being frumpy, obese, or an older woman desperately in love with a younger man" - your knowledge about the demographics of Islam is not so impressive. In point of fact, only about 15% of Muslims are Arab. So the correlations you keep making with Islam and Arab culture is, quite frankly, rather ignorant to the breadth of Islamic culture. It appears that you are basing the vast and sweeping generalizations regarding Islam, (and your obvious disdain for "non-ethnic white girls" raising their children as Muslims,) on a classically ignorant stereotype that all Muslims must be Arab. A rookie mistake for a Master in International Relations.

And for all your degrees, in continuing to make correlations with MENA men and Arab culture, you seem surprisingly unaware that there are entire ethnic groups in the MENA region that are not even Arab....and there are plenty of women here that are married to non-Arab MENA men. The Berbers for example, are not Arab, and make up a good percentage of the actual ehnic make-up of North Africa. Iranians are not Arab. So clumping all men in this region into the Arab ethnicity and culture shows, yet again, a lack of real understanding about the region you claim to have such insight into.

And that's to say nothing of the nonsense of stereotyping ANY ethnic group in its entirety, period. The Arabic "cultural norms" you claim to understand, are in reality, so diverse and varied depending on the country, its ridiculous to suggest that your isolated experience with an Arab from Lebanon gives you insight into all Arabic men. Its like someone marrying a guy from the Southern U.S. claiming to understand how all American men behave. Its totally different in different regions, families etc.

Clearly you have a lot more internal healing to do. You may want to start by forgiving yourself for being duped by the lowlife you married. Railing on MENA men is only a temporary fix. Once you stop blaming everything else, you can own your part in the disaster, and realize you were too young to see the screaming red flags (for any relationship, MENA or not). I think only then can you forgive yourself, and forget him, and stop letting this relationship poison your life. And I know, you are over it already. But the fury with which you write would suggest otherwise. Best wishes in your journey.

I am well aware of the fact that not all Arabs are Muslims and there are many non Arab Muslims like Chechens and Turks, etc. Sorry you thought you were telling me something new. Get help girl and stop trying to attack a woman you have never met based on one thread. You are the one with insecurities obviously, so you have to attack somebody who just might be telling you something you don't want to hear, as I did to women before who told me their horror stories. Its easy to paint somebody as being a racist or culturally ignorant, but when you have lived something, you can talk. Also, in all reality, I could have done everything the guy wanted and still been with him. I am the one who ultimately chose to move on and fortunately, I found happiness again and I don't give a damn if I ever see my ex again. I am not even attracted to him anymore. lol. Sorry to disappoint you, but I am well past the heartbroken stage. Peace out.

OP, in your original post you said

That indicates that the abuse started much earlier than you are claiming now.

I think several of us are concerned by the casual way you referred to the physical abuse in your relationship. This is a problem. Being truly introspective about why you put up with bad behavior and coming up with standards for what you will not put up with in a relationship in the future will serve you much better than blaming the end of your marriage solely on culture and religion.

Hey genius! AFTER our marriage, after the visa paperwork was filed, while we were still waiting, I visited him many times in his country and in Europe. Anybody who blames a woman for physical abuse is also disgusting.

Although your degree in International Relations, is no doubt as impressive as the fact that you were "an attractive girl who got lots of Western guy's attention and did not fall into the stereotype of being frumpy, obese, or an older woman desperately in love with a younger man" - your knowledge about the demographics of Islam is not so impressive. In point of fact, only about 15% of Muslims are Arab. So the correlations you keep making with Islam and Arab culture is, quite frankly, rather ignorant to the breadth of Islamic culture. It appears that you are basing the vast and sweeping generalizations regarding Islam, (and your obvious disdain for "non-ethnic white girls" raising their children as Muslims,) on a classically ignorant stereotype that all Muslims must be Arab. A rookie mistake for a Master in International Relations.

And for all your degrees, in continuing to make correlations with MENA men and Arab culture, you seem surprisingly unaware that there are entire ethnic groups in the MENA region that are not even Arab....and there are plenty of women here that are married to non-Arab MENA men. The Berbers for example, are not Arab, and make up a good percentage of the actual ehnic make-up of North Africa. Iranians are not Arab. So clumping all men in this region into the Arab ethnicity and culture shows, yet again, a lack of real understanding about the region you claim to have such insight into.

And that's to say nothing of the nonsense of stereotyping ANY ethnic group in its entirety, period. The Arabic "cultural norms" you claim to understand, are in reality, so diverse and varied depending on the country, its ridiculous to suggest that your isolated experience with an Arab from Lebanon gives you insight into all Arabic men. Its like someone marrying a guy from the Southern U.S. claiming to understand how all American men behave. Its totally different in different regions, families etc.

Clearly you have a lot more internal healing to do. You may want to start by forgiving yourself for being duped by the lowlife you married. Railing on MENA men is only a temporary fix. Once you stop blaming everything else, you can own your part in the disaster, and realize you were too young to see the screaming red flags (for any relationship, MENA or not). I think only then can you forgive yourself, and forget him, and stop letting this relationship poison your life. And I know, you are over it already. But the fury with which you write would suggest otherwise. Best wishes in your journey.

I am well aware of the fact that not all Arabs are Muslims and there are many non Arab Muslims like Chechens and Turks, etc. Get help girl and stop trying to attack a woman you have never met based on one thread. You are the one with insecurities obviously. Also, in all reality, I could have done everything the guy wanted and still been with him. I am the one who ultimately chose to move on and fortunately, I found happiness again. Peace out.