Army wife

Thanks again for all the advise. This is where everything stands as of right now. We used a lawyer to process out K1. I got a hold of him today and updated him on my situation, he immediately drew up the letter to withdraw my petition for AOS. He also is sending me tomorrow to a local Uscis office here that has a fraud unit. At this point I still don't know where my husband is, and I am thinking I might never know. For many reasons this might be the best thing for me due to some of the threats, but to be honest it really is driving me crazy. I am taking advise of others and attempting to put my emotions on hold and do what I have to do to protect myself right now.

Sorry but I myself am a survivor of domestic violence. I now have the confidence and self love I need today to not let it happen to me again. It wasn't my fault I was being abused but it was my choice to let it continue. I took my power back and so can anyone who's been abused. the reason I posted is because i have first hand experience with abuse and am living proof you can overcome. It helped me to not think of myself as a poor victim. I knew something was wrong when it started with a push, and that's when I should have put my foot down. So I'm saying to anyone and I believe this with my heart....If the signs are there don't ignore them!!! You are worth more than that.

Nicole she suffered domestic violence and domestic violence is a crime by the perpetrator, not the victim! IT'S NOT HER FAULT!!!!!.The batterer is the only one responsible here not her. If you do not understand the dynamics of abuse please educate yourself. It's cruel, to say the least.

It's not about vengeance or about seeking validation for it, is about justice, that's all it is!. Why would you allow people to wreck your home, play with your emotions, scam you,treat you and hurt you?. I truly believe we have to respond to any violation or abuse and not let people rob your peace and wrap your heart. Vengeance does not call for punishment. We have a system to protect us,many people are saying "oh Immigration won't do anything against him blah blah blah", well they are wrong! I go to the Immigration Court almost every day of the week for the past 10 years and I saw thousands of people being deported!. In 2011 the United states deported 396,906 people, 54.6% of them were criminal offenders, but 46% of the deportees were people out of status, illegal, fake marriage, people caught at the border etc, they are not sleeping, they work hard!
I am an attorney and I own a non profit organization who helps victim of domestic violence as well and our message is SPEAK OUT!!! To say let go, move on, forgive him/ forget him is not constructive. We build a strong society with moral values when we demand Justice! She said she was psychological and physical abused by her husband then she must not let him get away with freedom.We need to teach our kids to demand justice and respect because without justice a society would fall apart.
Report a fraudulent marriage to the ICE, call at (866) 347-2423.
"The moral arc of the universe bends at the elbow of justice".
(Martin Luther King, Jr).

IF BY ALL OF THIS IF U START NOW WITH THE RESTRAINING ORDER AND GETTING THE POLICE INVOLVED SOON OR LATER HE WILL APPLY FOR A U.S. CITIZENSHIP AND EVERYTHING WILL COME BACK TO HAUNT HIM. IF I WAS U I WOULD KEEP EMAILING HIM AND KEEP HIM MAKING HIS THREATS AND TURN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM IN TO THE POLICE AND IMMIGRATION THERES NO WAY IN HELL I WOULD LET SOMEONE GO FREE WITHOUT A FIGHT. IS THERE CONDITIONS ON THE GREEN CARD I THOUGHT IF MARRIED TWO YRS OR LESS THERES CONDITIONS ON IT. I SAY U FOUGHT TO BRING HIM HERE FIGHT TO GET HIS *** OUT OF HERE AND DO IT FAST IM SURE HIS FRIENDS HAVE SOME FEMALE FRIENDS WILLING TO MARRY FOR MONEY IT MAKES ME PISSED WHEN THINGS LIKE THIS HAPPEN...IF MY HUSBAND TRIED ANYTHING LIKE THIS HE WOULD GET A FREE TICKET TO STAY ON A ABUSE WAIVER CAUSE I WOULD PUT ALL MIGHT INTO WHOOPING HIS ***

There are so many posts about unhappy relationships in these forums.
Perhaps those of you who are experiencing such problems should be asking yourselves a different set of questions.
Instead of asking "Why is my spouse treating me like this?" perhaps you should ask yourself "Why am I allowing this unhappiness to continue?"
If you are unhappy only YOU can put an end to it.
If one builds and another tears down what do you gain but hard work?!

Here are a few suggestions for assisting one in determining if a relationship is sincere, prior to making a visit.
1. Can you talk on the webcam regularly and always on time.
2. When you talk on the webcam, are others (family members, friends of the foreigner, etc.) included in the conversation?
3. Is there interest in meeting the US Citizen's family on the webcam? Does this actually happen?
4. Does the foreigner completely answer detailed questions about their family, work, education and life experience?
Others have pointed out some red flags. The biggest ones to me are how the couple initially became acquainted, the lack of full explanation of status in South Africa and the ability to remain in SA for an extended time without a job. The most recent red flag is changing the goal from marriage to pursuing a K1 visa. What is the foreigner's reason for this?

The truth is that you're being scammed.
First of all, a random guy contacted you on FB, you told him that you weren't interested. Then he suggests you meet his friend???!!! This just screams scam. Anybody can BS anything online. You haven't even met this guy yet and want to marry him?
We, regular people, see this a scam. Imagine what a consular officer will see???

You've just fallen for a classic scam. I hope this guy is simply a scammer and not a violent person who wants to hurt you or your mom once you get there.

Responses in Purple

Your story had much more potential for success as:
1) You went to college together
2) He was in your country and you spent time TOGETHER getting to know each other
3) The Immigration process allowed the time to see if the relationship would survive.
This other young lady has not had the same advantages as you...
The 2 stories cannot be placed on the same parallel.

You know I want everyone to have their happy ever after. But truly as a mother this screams warning warning warning . The flags are up and my stomach turned over reading your post. PLEASE however well intended and as good as this may feel now every relationship lives in a "honeymoon" phase and the ONLY way to move past the happy endorphine filled phase is to spend time together and really learn each others daily life and habits. It truly is much different. I would not be comfortable with my daughter going off like this alone. I commend you on your planning and researching but please think this over deeper. He might be a most loving caring and your Mr right, but then it might not be all it seems.
I hope you will do as others suggested and not do this alone. In any country it is not the best situation. The people here care what happens as we all have a very tough road by having long distance relationships heed their words and learn from their experience.
I wish you all the best...
Terri

Being snippy isn't really going to help you get the support you need here on VJ.
Also, I'm a planner too, believe me, and it is certainly good to think ahead of time about what the process will require if you should mutually decide to pursue a life together. But I would really question the motives of a guy who is willing to commit to someone from the other side of the world, sight unseen. Ask yourself if a reasonable adult would make a decision like this if he A) had an occupation, a good income, and a full life in his home country (I'm making an assumption that he does not, since you mentioned that he is in another country without a work visa), and B) involving someone from his home country. I would guess not. So, if he is willing to suspend the usual processes of being careful and cautious about something that will impact the rest of his life, why is this? The consular officers will assume that this is due to your nationality and potential to bring him to the U.S. (I'm also intrigued by the insurance settlement that you mentioned, which if he knows about it, could also be assumed to play a role in his decision-making processes.)
I'm also in the situation of making a gamble on someone from a mostly unfamiliar country, but we made that decision together after hitting it off in person and having our connection to each other attain "critical mass" through spending enough time together that we were willing to make sacrifices to pursue being together. Having interacted with someone online would not be nearly enough to justify making those sacrifices, for me. What if you go through all of this planning and traveling to visit him, and when you get there, find that he is really just not who you thought he would be, or vice versa? I wouldn't want you to go ahead with your plan just because you have constructed this Epic Love Story that must culminate in riding off into the sunset together, and would find it too jarring, upsetting, or embarrassing to deviate from the script.
Another issue that you haven't discussed is your potential to support him once he gets here. You say that you are 20 and unemployed. Co-sponsors are definitely an option, but I've read that co-sponsors may not be enough if you do not have the potential to generate a higher income yourself in the future. At 20, many people are enrolled in college and can be expected to earn more after graduation, but I'm not sure what your situation is or whether this is the case for you.
Just some food for thought: if the shoe fits, and all...

How/where did you two meet each other online? Why is there such a rush that you would get married on the same visit as meeting each other? Reading your story, I feel really skeptical that you know what you are getting into and that this guy is legitimate if you have planned out this entire sequence of events before ever even meeting him, and if I am skeptical, a consular officer is going to be even more skeptical. Please be careful. (In other words, everything newlyweds2010 said.)

Just my two cent, and please don't get offended: regardless of (or in addition to) the immigration process, be very careful. Would you really cross the world and go to Nigeria to marry a person that you have never even met face to face? And add his name to your bank account? I would rather travel and meet him (no strings attached): you can spend some time together, get to know each other a little better, take a few pictures of you two (useful for the immigration process, btw), and then you return to the US. THEN, after all of this, you will think whether you still want to pursue this path. In the meantime, you will have educated yourself on the immigration process, the difficulties with consular interviews in high-fraud countries, the affidavit of support and the 125% rule. Best of luck.

Get with the present?? Really???
I think some people should get REAL!!!
Texting and emails have their place to be sure especially for long distance relationships but for people who actually LIVE TOGETHER under the SAME ROOF I think it's quite reasonable and more "present" (and real) to say they should talk face to face.
OK so maybe I'm old fashioned but I still believe that seeing a smile IN PERSON on a person's face stand or sitting in front of me is much better than a little cartoon smiley emoticon. Or maybe you think I'm behind the times for preferring to actually see tears in a person's eyes rather than see this ----> .
Nothing beats seeing the actual body language and expressions on people's faces rather than hiding behind a screen.
It's too easy to hide real feelings and expressions behind a computer screen and if more people came out face to face then maybe more truths would come out indeed.
But hey...that's just me. I like to keep it real when it comes to real life! So call me old fashioned - sticks and stones.

Hi Saylin,
I'm sorry for what you've been going through. You were one of the first people who talked to me here and I've always seen you being kind and helpful to other people.
I hope everything works out for you the way you want. I can't resist giving my opinions on a couple things though.
I never fight for anyone. Not friends, not men, not anyone. I don't compete for people's love. Anyone who would put me in a position of needing to compete for them is not someone I want in my life. Saying "fight for him" sounds romantic, but you really shouldn't have to fight for someone who loves you.
Facebook, and other online communities, are very tempting to someone who's confused about their feelings. Marriage is a huge adjustment, it's stressful, and there was a girl there offering stress-free fun, looking all perfect, free of marriage-related annoyances. I'm not saying what he did was ok, but it might be understandable, particularly if there was no in-person follow through. I hope that's all it was for him, and now he's gotten out of his system and realized she's not what he wants. It also sounds like he has an easier time connecting to people at a distance (i.e. online) than in person. He might be struggling with that. Then again, he might just not be ready for marriage. You'll have to watch and see.
Lastly, I want to say that you shouldn't feel bad about "snooping" on his facebook. I believe everyone has a right to privacy, but you had good cause to go looking. You needed information and you got it.
Those are my opinions, I hope it all works out. You seem like a good person who's genuinely in love. And there are few things more painful than being in love with someone who doesn't love you back. Good luck.

This is the problem with pornography!
It erodes intimacy and kills marriages...

Well my dear Saylin...
First of all, let me say that I am sorry to hear about this and it breaks my heart to know that you have to go through this....
ooohhh, the things I want to say about him right now...
Everyone can only give you advice based on their life experiences. I as a strong Caribbean woman, would have put a 'certain thing' on lock-down a while back! (wink) lol
After having given up your life for this man, I can imagine the frustration you must be feeling... all of us may have been there at some point or the other.
The only thing I can tell you is listen to your heart... and NEVER let a man disrespect you like that!!! ALWAYS remember HOW MUCH you are worth! Think about what you would tell your daughter in that situation.
Talk to your family, if you can, and see how supportive they may be.... You never know.
It is either he wants to work it out, or he doesn't. That would include some counselling perhaps, and for that, you need a willing partner. I am a firm believer in that once a man wants a woman, he will fight for her. However, if a man can get what he wants from a woman, he will take it.
As my husband says; a man will only get away with what his woman allows him to do. You state your standards and what YOU want. He will respect you for it. Don't put off talking for long periods of time. It will only get worse.
AW

This is the problem with pornography!
It erodes intimacy and kills marriages...

I am going to guess that I am old enough to be your father (I am 52).
Upon reading this, I have a couple of emotions for you which I probably would go through if you were my daughter.
1. Anger for you: can you not see he has played you and he is being a dog? Victims ALLOW themselves to be victims. You have a choice. If you were ten years old, I'd spank you and I'd go to his home and kick his ####, his father's ####, and his dog if his dog barks at me.
2. Sadness for you: betrayal from a loved one hurts the most, and I know when it comes to love, logic flows out the window. At this point, I'd hug you and tell you 'sweetheart, I know this is hard and I know you've heard it before, but time will heal. Find your inner strength by praying for clues to get your life back on the straight and narrow'.
There are 7 billion people in this planet. Let's say one third are marriage age material, which leaves about 2+ billion. Half of that are men, which leaves one billion. Less than half of that are on the Western Hemisphere, which leaves about half a billion. Less than half of that are single. Trust me. Out of 250 Million available men on the Western Hemisphere, that moron is near the lower half of the heap.
Who'd want to marry a liar? Odds are in your favor that you will find a MUCH better person. Trust me. God works in mysterious ways.

Well my dear Saylin...
First of all, let me say that I am sorry to hear about this and it breaks my heart to know that you have to go through this....
ooohhh, the things I want to say about him right now...
Everyone can only give you advice based on their life experiences. I as a strong Caribbean woman, would have put a 'certain thing' on lock-down a while back! (wink) lol
After having given up your life for this man, I can imagine the frustration you must be feeling... all of us may have been there at some point or the other.
The only thing I can tell you is listen to your heart... and NEVER let a man disrespect you like that!!! ALWAYS remember HOW MUCH you are worth! Think about what you would tell your daughter in that situation.
Talk to your family, if you can, and see how supportive they may be.... You never know.
It is either he wants to work it out, or he doesn't. That would include some counselling perhaps, and for that, you need a willing partner. I am a firm believer in that once a man wants a woman, he will fight for her. However, if a man can get what he wants from a woman, he will take it.
As my husband says; a man will only get away with what his woman allows him to do. You state your standards and what YOU want. He will respect you for it. Don't put off talking for long periods of time. It will only get worse.
AW

Because he's procrastinating. Making every excuse why he is not ready. "i don't know if i can get my medical done that quick" "i just started this new job, its short notice to be taking days off so soon" a few others I'd rather not post, but I am so angry with him that I have decided that its all him now. He has to be a big boy and hold up his end of the bargain...like i said, he's known all along how things would go. It's his turn to show me how much he wants this.

:star: :dance:
Hey guys!!
I finally got a Case Closed!!! Whoohoo!!!

Sometimes, i wonder how grateful we all are to this website. There is nothing like this anywhere on WORLD WIDE WEB known as the INTERNET!
I mean the sheer amount of information we get from VJ. So much so that i just couldn't imagine tackling this journey w/o VJ.
So much so that I wouldn't mind paying a membership fee for it. NOT THAT I'M SAYING VJ should start chargin.
I'm JUST SAYING how immensely helpful VJ has been to me on this long, difficult and unpredictable journey.
Thank you VJ.